Nasty BM

Jessica2ny · August 2010

I'm getting married in May 2011. One of my bridesmaids(I have 2 bms and my cousin is my MOH) has been really nasty the last few weeks. The dress I chose for them came to a total of $210.00 without the alterations. My shop gave them 10% off as well as capping the alterations at $80 instead of the $95 that is their normal fee. Everyone said they loved the dress and were good on price. Then the shop called in June to say that the girls needed to be measured and order/put a deposit on the dress before July 1st b/c the designer was discontinuing the dress. Everyone did this. The last few weeks this particular BM (who has been my best friend since 10th grade) has been saying nasty remarks such as "Your bridal shower is going to be at chucky cheese or a bagged lunch on someones lawn b/c I don't have the $ for this sh*t" (The sh*t being my wedding). I was actually so upset I didn't even want a bridal shower b/c she made me feel so awful. Then I got a call on Friday, that the dresses are in and that the girls have from now until October 10th to pay the balance that would be sending them all a letter stating that. Her balance is $100 dollars. When I relayed the message to her she started bad mouthing the wedding and saying "She doesn't even want to think about it, b/c it makes her mad and that its not easy to save up $100 in a month". When I suggested that I would get it and she could pay me back later she said "she is not a leech and I don't need your pity money" So i suggested that maybe she put aside $20 a week and she laughed in my face and said that was "easier said then done" and that she was done with this topic. I just don't know what to say or do, and needed a vent. My parents and fiancee say she is just jealous with sour grapes, but I don't feel as though I can put up with this for another 9 months. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
~Thanks All~

Always_a_Bridesmaid · August 2010

I wouldn't mention it again. If she doesn't get the dress, she has voluntarily removed herself from the wedding party.

Viczaesar · August 2010

Yowza, that's an expensive dress + alterations. Did you individually ask your BMs for their budgets before you chose the dress?

Jessica2ny · August 2010

I did ask them multiple times (and privately b/c I didn't want to feel as though they were pressured) if they were good with price and they said they were. I also don't have any specifics on shoes, makeup, hair, jewelry... its whatever they want on that and completely up to them.... I also had some less expensive dresses pulled and they all said they didn't like them as much as the one I picked, including her...

Beachy730 · August 2010

I would just let it go. You've relayed the info and the shop is sending it to her as well, so she knows what she has to do. As a PP said if she chooses not to get it or pay the balance then she has taken herself out of the wedding,

Try talking to her about non-wedding stuff. Maybe she has something going on right now in her life that is costing her money that she wasn't planning on spending. Talk to her as her friend not the bride and see how it goes.

mbcdefg · August 2010

Ask her if there's something bothering her.

Otherwise, just let it go and let her handle it.

gottahavashorti · August 2010

Stop discussing it with her. She'll get the dress when she's ready and able to get it. $80 sounds like a ton for alterations.

Saving up $100 in a month can be much easier said than done. You're not her personal accountant, so let that one go.

mbcdefg · August 2010

Oh, and let her know that she can get alterations at a local tailor instead of the salon (tailor alterations are usually a LOT cheaper than bridal salons).

MairePoppy · August 2010

"The last few weeks this particular BM (who has been my best friend since 10th grade) has been saying nasty remarks such as "Your bridal shower is going to be at chucky cheese or a bagged lunch on someones lawn b/c I don't have the $ for this sh*t"

This statement makes me wonder if someone has been pressuring your bm to pitch in some $ for a bridal shower. Is there a way to discreetly find out if that is the case?

Jessica2ny · August 2010

I guess it's possible but I don't think anyone was even talking to her about it since the wedding is still 9 moths away... it's the hurtful comments that are so upsetting, nobody should have thier wedding being called sh*t all the time.... and when I asked her if she still wanted to be a BM she asked why would I think she didnt want to be one anymore... :sigh:

gottahavashorti · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nasty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d58b813a-97eb-45fe-9b79-ee75058aba05Post:8ad63e2d-bd8c-44af-af1d-9a1bdab3800d">Re: Nasty BM</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess it's possible but I don't think anyone was even talking to her about it since the wedding is still 9 moths away... it's the hurtful comments that are so upsetting, nobody should have thier wedding being called sh*t all the time.... and when I asked her if she still wanted to be a BM she asked why would I think she didnt want to be one anymore... :sigh:
Posted by Jessica2ny[/QUOTE]
9 months? Unless the bridal shop only holds the dresses for a certain amount of time, she has plenty of time to finish paying.

Asking someone if they want to step down tends to be interpreted the same way as hinting that you no longer want someone in your wedding party, and it does appear that your BM feels that way.

gottahavashorti · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nasty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d58b813a-97eb-45fe-9b79-ee75058aba05Post:cd571629-b266-49b0-9e3a-8b7b9a00a8f8">Nasty BM</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm getting married in May 2011. One of my bridesmaids(I have 2 bms and my cousin is my MOH) has been really nasty the last few weeks. The dress I chose for them came to a total of $210.00 without the alterations. My shop gave them 10% off as well as capping the alterations at $80 instead of the $95 that is their normal fee. Everyone said they loved the dress and were good on price. Then the shop called in June to say that the girls needed to be measured and order/put a deposit on the dress before July 1st b/c the designer was discontinuing the dress. Everyone did this. The last few weeks this particular BM (who has been my best friend since 10th grade) has been saying nasty remarks such as "<strong>Your bridal shower is going to be at chucky cheese or a bagged lunch on someones lawn b/c I don't have the $ for this sh*t" </strong>(The sh*t being my wedding). I was actually so upset I didn't even want a bridal shower b/c she made me feel so awful. Then I got a call on Friday, that the dresses are in and that the girls have from now until October 10th to pay the balance that would be sending them all a letter stating that. Her balance is $100 dollars. When I relayed the message to her she started bad mouthing the wedding and saying "She doesn't even want to think about it, b/c it makes her mad and that its not easy to save up $100 in a month". When I suggested that I would get it and she could pay me back later she said "she is not a leech and I don't need your pity money" So i suggested that maybe she put aside $20 a week and she laughed in my face and said that was "easier said then done" and that she was done with this topic. I just don't know what to say or do, and needed a vent. My parents and fiancee say she is just jealous with sour grapes, but I don't feel as though I can put up with this for another 9 months. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. ~Thanks All~
Posted by Jessica2ny[/QUOTE]
It does sound like she's feeling financial pressure from somewhere. If the dress was decided on before she was asked for her budget, she may have not wanted to be that one person who says that it's too expensive. $210 for a dress plus $80 for alterations plus any travel/hotel/gifts/showers/bachelorettes adds up really quickly. Are you sure none of the other BMs have started talking showers and bachelorettes yet, even if they're doing so in passing without set plans?

Jessica2ny · August 2010

I didn't ask her to step down... I asked her if she still wanted to be a BM since she seemed like she is miserable and that is the last thing i wanted was for her to be when this is a happy occassion.... as for the dresses the shop gives 1 month from the time the dresses are in to pay off the balance that is the policy and they informed them of that when the dresses were ordered....

mbcdefg · August 2010

Maybe she's lost her job or is on thin ice at work ... or maybe she just had financial troubles recently (credit card debt, loaned money to someone and never got it back, gambled all her money away or lost it another way).

You could invite her out to coffee and say, "Is everything O.K.? You don't seem like yourself lately and I'm worried about you." (Leave the wedding out of it entirely.)

Jessica2ny · August 2010

I asked her privately before we went dress shopping what she was comfortable with and she said as long as it is under 400$.... I really don't think that anyone has said anything to her yet as my MOH has a newborn and just moved to VT and my other BM has not been in touch with her at all.... I have also offered to help her with $ costs as well as my Mother offered to help her with naything she may need....

Jessica2ny · August 2010

I know she still has a job because I got her the job at my company... but your coffee plan is good.... I think I will try that... I called her yesterday to see if she was ok and she said yes but face to face may work better... it is just hard to talk to her when she seems like she is trying to intentionally hurt my feelings ya know?

Jessica2ny · August 2010

point taken.

cmmosley81 · August 2010

OK well I kind of had the same issue with a BM not that she was nasty to me but after we dicided on a dress she started talking about the money. First of all if the dress that you all agreed was so perfect had to be ordered so super early then I think you should have said to them all listen I know this is sooner then planned but ar eyou all prepared to pay for the dress now instead of the first of the year? I think that if they all couldnt have met that amount right now then maybe you should have changed the dress. She may have been thinking that she could use her taxes to pay for the dress. I think it is a very soft conversation about money.

As far as her comments about the party does she know she isnt the MOH? It sounds like she thinks she in is charge of that. MAybe she thinks because your MOH is in VT with a newborn that it is in her hands now.

baystateapple · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nasty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d58b813a-97eb-45fe-9b79-ee75058aba05Post:d892699d-b481-4b2c-afb0-33cbcd7e196e">Re: Nasty BM</a>:
[QUOTE]You could invite her out to coffee and say, "Is everything O.K.? You don't seem like yourself lately and I'm worried about you." (Leave the wedding out of it entirely.)
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

This. She might just be feeling hostile because there's something going on in her life and all you've talked about with her is wedding, wedding, wedding. If she still won't talk to you, or she keeps on being hostile, then you've done what you can. If she chooses not to get the dress (and I agree, 9 months out is really early for the store to be demanding the full amount), then she's removed herself from the party.

tldh · August 2010

It sounds to me like she is feeling some financial pressure. Just because she has a job doesn't mean money can't be tight. A credit card could have jacked up it's interest rate, she could be noticing car problems, she may be getting an uneasy feeling in her department that layoffs are coming. She could even have some medical bills that she can't pay. These are all things that most people don't discuss with others, even their closest friends. When you have these worries, paying for things that are not necessary for physical or financial survival can make you extremely bitter.

As for the cost of the alterations, $80 is what I paid a seamstress who works out of her house to alter my wedding dress.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

There's no way I'd be getting alterations on a dress nine months before the wedding, even if I had plenty of money lying around to do it. Bridesmaid alterations can be done in a matter of days, and in the interest of efficiency, I'd personally put it off until as close to the wedding as humanly possible, so as not to have to do it again if I go through major size changes in the meantime.

cmmosley81 · August 2010

good point aerinpegadrak and lets face it in 9 months someone could be pregnant then they would have to find a whole new dress.

Trishes · August 2010

I wouldn't mention it, either. It does sound like she's got more issues going on than just the wedding finances.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

She can (and should) get alterations elsewhere. $80 is a lot for a BM dress. And if the wedding isn't for 9 months, it's too early to shop for dresses, let alone pay for them. If you picked out the dress, let her order it at her leisure. She has plenty of time. If she buys now, it's only going to collect dust in the closet for the next 8 1/2 months. She may be able to find it cheaper online or at a discount shop.

And ditto others that you two should spend some non-wedding-related time together. If you've been talking about the wedding all the time (and believe me, it's easy to talk about it more than you realize and to assume people are more interested in the details than they actually are), she may be withdrawing. Frankly, if I were a BM and the bride was making me buy my dress and talk about the wedding almost a year out, I'd see it as a preview of what the next 9 months would hold for me and start withdrawing too. It's of course not right for her to make comments, but I wonder if she's being pushed to be more involved and at an earlier time than she'd anticipated. Talk about the friendship, each other, current events, movies, TV, January Jones's hideous Emmys outfit, you get the idea. For awhile only bring up the wedding when someone asks you about it--and even then keep it to a one-to-two sentence update. If people want to know more they'll ask you. If they were just being polite, they'll change the subject.

C*Mia · August 2010

Sounds like a stressed out person and shes taking it out on someone else. I was in a wedding this year that cost me a lot between a 400 dress (thats including alterations) travel, hotel, hair, shoes and etc. I started feeling the financial pinch but never enough to feel resentment towards the bride. She is one my best friends and money isn't going to get in the way. I would let it go and if she caves finally and tells you what is going on then let it happen on her timeline.

dieknoop · September 2010

Same thing happened with me. Well not the dress payments, but the distant behaviour.

It turned out it was jealousy issues, it's sad but this sometimes happens. Stop talking wedding, and spend time on the friendship. She has her own issues to work through, best that you can do is relax and wait for her to get excited for you. Wait for her to ask the questions about the wedding.

Good luck sweetheart!

fabshelly · September 2010

I don't get the matching bridesmaids thing; never did. I told my bridesmaids to wear something nice, comfortable, that looks good and that they can wear again. Who's going to wear a floor-length coral satin gown again?

The problem sounds like money, attitude, and mayhap a touch of jealousy?

You're no psychiatrist, but I agree with the aboves that a face-to-face talk might help - or at least she'll quit, which isn't good, but at least the pressure will be off you.

britlamb20 · September 2010

If she didn't want to pay any money she should have stated at the beginning when you had asked her to be a bridesmaid. If she doesn't buy or pay for the dress, she has removed herself voluntarily from the wedding. Anybody with a job right now (even part time) should be able to set their priorities to pay for a dress.

I'm in my brothers wedding and there are 4 BM's. Two of the girls are 20 and are paying for school and had part time jobs and still found the money to pay for bridesmaids dresses, bridal shower and the bachlorette party.

If they are really complaining a lot, maybe you could offer to pay for shoes and jewelry? I would definitely tell them how it makes you feel when they threaten that you're going to have a bridal shower at Chuck-E-Cheese, no one deserves to be treated like that for their wedding!

JBMarq3 · September 2010

I totally agree, leave it alone and if she doesnt want to take your offer for purchasing it for her and she can pay you back, just wait to see if she buys it and if she doesnt then technically she cannot be a BM

awdatglitterz · September 2010

I had an issue like this. I finally had enough and said "If being a guest rather than a bridesmaid would be easier for you, my feelings wouldnt be hurt" She jumped on it and thought it was all her idea. I am now rid of her negativity and didnt ruin the friendship

mazinggrace · September 2010

You know what, I would pay for the dress yourself and hope that she comes through with the money. If not at least you already have the dress for a replacement bridesmaid. My bridesmaid dresses are about $200 or so a piece without alterations but my bridemaids picked the dressmaker and styles themselves. And then I would have the bridal shower at Chuckie Cheese, just to be funny. Or at least a bridal lunch, and give everyone tokens and tell them that this is a cheer up lunch. But whatever you do I would say clear the air now rather than later. You want your wedding experience to be the best and you cannot do that when you have BM's like that.

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