Not Invite the Grandparents

poemgirl7 · March 2010

I'm a newbie on here, so forgive me if I'm in the wrong section.
I just need to vent and get some perspective, perhaps.
My grandparents on my dad's side are grouchy generally.
I'm spending about $5000 on our wedding total out of my own pocket and my grandparents asked how much I was spending and then practically exploded after hearing. They said that there's nothing to celebrate & spend that kind of money on since my fiance and I have been living together already. Then proceeded to dictate how that money could be spent on my mortgage payments (which are fairly low), and how the drive to the wedding was too far. It's a 4 hour drive and they take roadtrips across the country pretty often.
I told them it sounded like it was a hassle for them to bother with, and to consider not coming then.
The rest of my family is great, but I think my grandparents are beyond rude and incredibly hurtful now.
Am I wrong?

sophistryliz · March 2010

You still have to invite them.

nhelene · March 2010

Invite them and let them make the decision to come and support you or to stay at home and be bastards.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_not-invite-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9d17bcf-94f8-4cd6-a84f-54b7a662da33Post:3d1bc278-8070-476a-a3d2-2da0e4d04bbc">Not Invite the Grandparents</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a newbie on here, so forgive me if I'm in the wrong section. I just need to vent and get some perspective, perhaps. My grandparents on my dad's side are grouchy generally. I'm spending about $5000 on our wedding total out of my own pocket and my grandparents asked how much I was spending and then practically exploded after hearing. They said that there's nothing to celebrate & spend that kind of money on since my fiance and I have been living together already. Then proceeded to dictate how that money could be spent on my mortgage payments (which are fairly low), and how the drive to the wedding was too far. It's a 4 hour drive and they take roadtrips across the country pretty often. I told them it sounded like it was a hassle for them to bother with, and to consider themselves not invited. The rest of my family is great, but I think my grandparents are bastards right now. Am I wrong?
Posted by poemgirl7[/QUOTE]

Wow! As someone with no living grandparents left, I'd gladly have "bastards" as GPs. I would have given anything if they had been alive to come to our wedding. You should be ashamed of yourself coming on here and calling them that. You also have to remember that they come from a different generation and their views on money and life in general are different than yours. What's it really hurting for them to throw in their opinions? It's not like they're forcing you to change anything. Just take it in stride.

scoetto · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_not-invite-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9d17bcf-94f8-4cd6-a84f-54b7a662da33Post:6efca973-9c4f-4f0f-9b26-d3723b686847">Re: Not Invite the Grandparents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Not Invite the Grandparents : Wow! As someone with no living grandparents left, I'd gladly have "bastards" as GPs. You should be ashamed of yourself coming on here and calling them that. You also have to remember that they come from a different generation and their views on money and life in general are different than yours. What's it really hurting for them to throw in their opinions? It's not like they're forcing you to change anything. Just take it in stride.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

I agree with MrsB 1000%. I would never even THINK to call my grandparents bastards. And they're not even alive. But I can think of about 500 other names to call you.

BecW2be · March 2010

I think my grandparents are bastards right now.

I'm betting they are sitting and thinking the exact same thing about you, and rightly so. I would have given anything to have any of my grandparents at my wedding. No matter how they felt about my finances and budget. Did they overstep in giving their opinion of how you spend your money? Yes. But bastards? Hardly. You need to show some respect and compassion and apologize to them. Then invite them.

opalsky007 · March 2010

My maternal grandfather can be a difficult, crotchety old man sometimes, and given my family's tradition of JOP ceremonies, I'm sure he would have rather I spent the money on something else too. But I still wish he could have come to my wedding instead of being at home on oxygen.

You really need to learn how to change the subject when people ask questions about finances.

Samwise16 · March 2010

I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say we don't know the whole story with her grandparents... One of my grandparents will not be invited because he is pretty much dead to me (but there is a history there that I won't go into here). So I can understand not wanting certain grandparents at a wedding.

However, if there isn't really any animosity besides the statements that OP noted, then yeah... a little ridiculous. Invite them and let them decide.

poemgirl7 · March 2010

Thanks Ladies.

I don't think that they are intentionally mean, but they don't seem to care about the way that they speak to people, and I don't know anyone in my family who hasn't left their house in tears at least a couple times. My father didn't invite them for last Thankgiving because of something they said to his girlfriend.
FI is ready to cut them off entirely for how they have spoken to him or I in the past, but I can't seem to get to that point, no matter how upset they make me.

I will invite them and let them make their own decision to come or not.

xoxob · March 2010

I think people need to set their opinions about how they feel about their (living or deceased) grandparents aside. I had a horrible relationship with my grandparents (except my step-gma) and I'm glad that they won't be attending my wedding. I would never say this to my mother (whose mother called me a sl*t in front of my date on prom night, spit in my face on my 12th birthday and locked me in a car when I was 7) who would be really hurt.

Just because you wish your grandparents were at your wedding, doesn't mean that everyone needs to feel that way, or that she can't say she feels her GPs are being bastards, right now.

But, OP, I think you're making the right call for you, if that's how you feel. If they continue to disregard your feelings then maybe you should address that issue separately and removed from your Wedding Day. You don't need that kind of stress.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

[QUOTE]I think people need to set their opinions about how they feel about their (living or deceased) grandparents aside. I had a horrible relationship with my grandparents (except my step-gma) and I'm glad that they won't be attending my wedding. I would never say this to my mother (whose mother called me a sl*t in front of my date on prom night, spit in my face on my 12th birthday and locked me in a car when I was 7) who would be really hurt.[/QUOTE]

Well, yeah. Your gparent being borderline physically and emotionally abusive is one thing. Her gparents being crotchety opinionated cranky pants is another.

ETA: basing solely on the info we've been given

tidetravel · March 2010

Personal attacks on someone's character are WAY different than voicing one's opinion on wedding plans. The comments made by the grandparents in the OP are their opinions. They may have been unsolicited and contrary, but IMO weren't cause for exclusion from the wedding.

However, if those comments included name calling or verbal abuse of some kind, then by all means, cut them out of your life. (I do have a toxic grandparent, who is all but dead to me because of how she treated my family and I in the past)

ZoeTheDog · March 2010

I would agree, this is a, "send the invite and let THEM decide" situation.

$5k paid for my FMIL's wedding back in the day, so I can't imagine how FI's grand-parents would feel about our $20k to $30k budget today, but I don't know because they all passed away before we started dating.

drileybubeck · March 2010

It was a bad move on your part to answer the "how much are you spending" question in the first place. If they aren't contributing, it's none of their business, IMO. That's so incredibly rude.

I'm inviting my megalomaniac grandma even though I already know she's going to be bitchy about my spending more on my wedding than she did hers (she got remarried 5 years ago). She can eye roll and mentally price all she wants; I'm not going to forgo my grandparents at my wedding because they might irritate me. It sounds like you have a pretty tense relationship with them, but I think you'll regret it later if you don't invite them. It certainly won't make things any better if you've already spoken about the wedding with them and they don't receive an invite.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · March 2010

I have to agree with PPs. The one thing that would make my wedding even better would be if either of my grandmothers were alive to see me get married. It's literally something my mother tears up over. FI's only remaining grandparent will be unable to travel from out of state, but she is STILL invited as a courtesy.

Old people are judgemental. Deal with it. If this isn't related to a history of estrangement (and since you were hanging at their house, I assume you were on fine terms before this), yes, suck it up and invite them. When this blows over, you'll very much regret not doing it. And don't talk finances with anyone except FI.

suz62984 · March 2010

Yep your wrong. Keep in mind that prices have changed since they planned a wedding. My grandmother's ring cost my grandfather $75 and it wasn't a cheap ring! $5,000 is a ton of money to them. Eveyrone is entitled to their opinion; hear them out and then do what you want with your money. Don't act like a child an uninvite them. Grow up and stop being a brat!

zippityb · March 2010

You just have to remember that old people are old. They are probably cranky because they're old, and you'll probably be cranky at that age too. Invite them and you'll look like the nice one.

Blueyed228 · March 2010

Invite them. You will be happy one day when they are gone that they were a part of your day.

snoangel79 · March 2010

I wish I could invite my stepgrandmother but my aunt (dad's sister) would be at the wedding with a gun so I am not inviting her. I feel I have an obligation to my aunt since she is blood and my "Gram" is not. My Gram will understand because my Aunt called her out at a funeral once and ended up knocking over the casket. They cannot be in the same room without a possible huge fight. So sometimes you just cannot invite people but if they are just not nice then I'd send the invite, they may come, they may not.

Trae021 · March 2010

I'm probably going to get ripped to shreds for this but who the hell cares if she calls her grandparents bastards? You guys don't know the back story about them or her life so stop judging. I call my dad's parent's bastards all the time, I won't even call them my grandparents because they are evil bastards. It's all abou the situation, if she doesn't want to invite them, then don't I'm not inviting anyone on my dad's side except 2 cousins. It's her wedding and she can do what she wants. Every one has the right to their own opinion and they have every right to it because it IS theirs. So can I assume that all of you who are bitching her out have never called anyone in your famiily a bad name? Think about it.

MeaghanandMichael · March 2010

Maybe your rant is justified, but I would need much more to make that judgement than the information provided which is over money. We go off the information provided and I think you are being judgy for expecting more of the responders than that. It sounds like you are taking this personally and maybe you need to work that out.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_not-invite-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9d17bcf-94f8-4cd6-a84f-54b7a662da33Post:314d0e3a-afff-478e-95d2-450e9b4a9172">Re: Not Invite the Grandparents</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm probably going to get ripped to shreds for this but who the hell cares if she calls her grandparents bastards? You guys don't know the back story about them or her life so stop judging. I call my dad's parent's bastards all the time, I won't even call them my grandparents because they are evil bastards. It's all abou the situation, if she doesn't want to invite them, then don't I'm not inviting anyone on my dad's side except 2 cousins. It's her wedding and she can do what she wants. Every one has the right to their own opinion and they have every right to it because it IS theirs. <strong>So can I assume that all of you who are bitching her out have never called anyone in your famiily a bad name?</strong> Think about it.
Posted by Trae021[/QUOTE]
Not on a public message board, no.
The only back story we have is what OP gave us and the only thing she's told us is that they're old and crotchety so that's what people are basing their comments on.
As you've said : <strong>every one has the right to their own opinion and they have every right to it because it IS theirs</strong> so we have the right to think she's being insensitive and disrespectful to come on a national forum and call her grandparents bastards.

wcvsb3b5 · March 2010

Wow. Extremely disrespectful! My grandparents have pissed me off before but I would never consider saying anything like that about them. Seriously from the sound of your post it would be normal to get a little irritated about but I think you are overreacting..

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_not-invite-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9d17bcf-94f8-4cd6-a84f-54b7a662da33Post:69b0bc53-d63b-4751-89d2-3d8d1e6644d3">Re: Not Invite the Grandparents</a>:
[QUOTE]. It sounds like you are taking this personally and maybe you need to work that out.
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

Agree, especially since OP has already come back on hours ago and said in so many words that their behavior probably isn't intentional and that she would send the invite. If OP seems to be okay with the advice offerered to her, then that's really all that matters.

Trae021 · March 2010

I was just trying to give the girl a break, it was her first post and you guys just tore into her.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

She needed some perspective.

MeaghanandMichael · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_not-invite-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c9d17bcf-94f8-4cd6-a84f-54b7a662da33Post:c5fe8996-8385-4a92-94ae-8c2a0c40df4e">Re: Not Invite the Grandparents</a>:
[QUOTE]I was just trying to give the girl a break, it was her first post and you guys just tore into her.
Posted by Trae021[/QUOTE]

And we did. We asked her questions about her realitionship with them and asked her leading questions to gleam more information on the issue. I can totally understand that not every one can have a perfect relationship with familty members, but I think you need to keep in perspective what it means to post on a public board. You have no right to be offended on any number of posts that exercise free right to speak opinions and respond in kind. By putting yourself out there you command a response and in this day and age you should be ready and willing to accept that challenge rather than cowering in the realm of grammar school seclusion. Your mommy can't call the moderator of this board.

riverjib · April 2010

So what? Invite them. Let them decline if they choose to do so. You won't regret having done the right thing, and you shouldn't worry about what they think.

cmeinla · April 2010

ask yourself if 10 15 or 20 years from now you will regret not inviting them, and give it some serious consideration. If you don't think you'll regret them not being there , screw em. It's not their life, it's not their party, and it's not their money

cmeinla · April 2010

unless they have been living in a bubble, they know that today's social standards are not the same as when they were younger. And just because someone is related to you doesn't mean they're worth inviting to your wedding. I doubt she suddenly decided they were bastards, just because they reamed her out about her choices for her wedding, they were probably the same judgemental bastards for her whole life leading up to this point too.

bridgeeboo · April 2010

Like some other posters, I really wish I had living GPs to have come to my wedding. They may disagree with you, and may have their comments, but they are your family. You should invite them. Be the bigger person. If they decide not to come, then they don't come. I think they will, and I think on your big day they will forget about all the small stuff and just be proud of you. Just to get some perspective for you, my fiance's dad is a true bastard. He cheated on his mom, and hasn't seen or called my fiance for over 10 years. We are inviting him to the wedding, and not only that, we are flying to Sweden to go get him. Forgive your grandparents, invite them, and move on. Be happy, it is your big day!

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