Vent mostly... (long)

QueerFemme · April 2012

Hey everyone

I haven't spent much time on the September board... but, I hang out on some of the other boards. I just mostly wanted to vent and sort of write down my freak out !

I never really thought much of the "money dance" before I started planning my wedding. I've been to lots and lots of weddings, and almost ALL of them had the money dance. I normally would go dance with the couple and give them each a 5 dollar bill. I never considered it overwhelmingly rude or tacky... it was just a "normal" wedding activity.

I had no intention of having a money dance at my wedding anyway. Not because I thought it was horrible or rude or tacky... but, because we don't really need the money. We are hosting our wedding on budget for sure, but most of my friendswork in nonprofit or social work fields, and make significantly less money than I do, so it wouldn't occur to me to even suggest that they should take out their wallets and give me a few bucks.

THEN, I started hanging out on TheKnot... and saw how many people are VERY adamant that it is rude and tacky and horrible, etc. etc. etc      So, I was like WOW, I dodged that bullet. Lucky for ME, I wasn't planning on having one anyway!

Fast forward a few months... and we are very much in the heart of planning our wedding. Our wedding is going to be beautiful, but very casual. We are having buffet Mexican food, (my sweetheart is mexican and its my favorite food).  The venue is at a facility run by the parks district... so, its indoor/outdoor ... right near the water in the San Francisco bay area... the building itself is very pretty, but you know... it's still a park.   So, again... pretty, but casual. Probably 75-80percent of our guests are friends... very few family members. No random neighbors that knew us when we were 6. Nothing like that.

So, now, when talking to my friends/bridesmaids about wedding planning, how things are going, etc....  every single one of them have said "I can't wait for the money dance!!!"    I have told them all I am not planning on having one... and they were all saying "boooooooo how come??? it's tradition !! You have to have one... blah blah.   And, "Geez Christina.. you do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE.. all the time... you can't let us come dance with you and give you few dollars in celebration of your wedding?   Some of us might be too broke to get you a gift... but, we would be thrilled to put a five in your lil money bag and dance with you for a minute".   My best friend (who also is the person walking me down the aisle) has said jokingly, "well, when I give my toast to you... I'm going to say "I'll give my toast, right after the MONEY dance!".   I told her, don't DARE do that !!   Another friend said "well, if you don't have an official money dance, I'm still coming to dance with you and tuck a 10 dollar bill in your corset! We can have an unofficial money dance".

I've explained how its considered rude and tacky in a lot of circles (although, not necessarily my circle), and that I wasn't going to have one anyway... but, after hearing how rude so many people they are... I certainly didn't want to !!

I guess the point of my post is... how in the hell did something that is so traditional in so many circles become so tacky and horrid in others?   And, how in the hell am I going to keep my friends from coming and dancing with me and shoving a dollar in my hand??

LauraLarry · April 2012

I don't really have an answer as to why some things are considered tradition to some people and tacky to others. I think that's why there are so many bitchy people on here is that they don't understand EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. not necessarily wrong or right, just different. I do not like the dollar dance and think its tacky myself, just because I feel like its asking for more money when weddings are an expense to begin with! I think if you really don't want to do a dollar dance, just be straight toward with your friends and say, "I really want you guys to dance with me regardless of money or traditions. Please don't put me in an awkward spot by sticking money in my hand/corset/dress during my wedding." If they realize its important to you and they are good friends, they'll understand its about you on that day! Tell them to use the money to buy you a drink, either at the wedding if your doing a cash bar, or maybe the night before the wedding if you guys plan on going out after the rehearsal. Good luck with your wedding though! September brides are clearly the best ;

Trins · April 2012

Well i can't help you out a whole lot - I personally have never heard of this so called "money dance". But I think that if you feel adamant about not having one then yes, speak with your friends and explain that while you appreciate that they want to do it, it's just not something that you want at your wedding. I would also encourage your wedding party to spread the word for you, as that's kind of what wedding parties are for.

jessa1228 · April 2012

There are a lot of people on TK that don't share the same point of view as you and are very vocal and adamant about it, sometimes to the point of being rude. My advice would be to stay away from them.

As for the money dance specifically, I had never heard of them until I started posting on TK. Honestly, my first thought was "why would people pay to dance with me? I'm not a damn stripper". But apparently it's fairly common in certain circles. If your circle enjoys and expects it, and it seems they do, then I don't see the harm in doing it. But you seem uncomfortable with the idea, and it's your wedding, so there's nothing that says you HAVE to do it just because people expect you to.

SCogs18 · April 2012

Sometimes the ladies on TK can be a little brutal. I generally think money dances are pretty tacky, but they are also not common in my social circle. If you want to have one and it's common amongst your group of friends, go ahead and have one. But, it sounds like you are not too keen on the idea, it's your guests that want one. I'd suggest you talk to your parents and FI about it. And the end of the day, the money dance won't make or break your wedding, if you have one or not.

LittleMonkey1 · April 2012

I have never seen a money dance done at a wedding so I can't help you too much with that. But I do know that Jack & Jills (or Stag & Doe's) are extremely common and very much expected in my circle. But on TK they are very tacky and rude (kinda like the dollar dance, as most TK people see it). We are still having a Jack and Jill. Not because we need the money, because we have budgeted for our wedding. But because it is a great night out with friends. Also, around here, people don't think of them as tacky, they just want a chance to have a great night, help out the bride and groom a little bit, and celebrate their upcoming wedding.

I personally think etiquette has to depend on what your group of friends/family expect and consider appropriate. Every social circle is different and what is accepted and encouraged in some, is highly inappropriate in others. And I know some Etiquette people might disagree, but really, etiquette is not the same everywhere.

So its really up to you if you want to have it or not (which it sounds like you don't, which is fine) But don't worry too much about what some people post on here.

Sorry that no one probably knows who I am. I am mainly a Lurker but am getting married Sept 8th!!!!!

Callmefia · April 2012

I have been harassed by friends and family to have a dollar dance too. I refuse. I am in the its tacky boat and I NEVER participate in them at others weddings. In most cases people have already given very generous gifts and my view is that it is rude to ask for more. I also hate how it stops the party and the rest of the guests don't have as much fun then. I was so disappointed when one friend said "you HAVE to do it! That's how we paid for our dj!" that just seemed so rude. My mom tried to tell me we have to do it since its a way to see your guests. Ugh, no mom. We will visit each table instead and thank them all... Without charging them a dollar for our time. If your friends want to give you ten dollars, they can put it in a card like everyone else!

PrettyInPearls23 · April 2012

For my first wedding, I was adament that I didn't want to do the garter or bouquet toss. I even gave my grandparents my toss bouquet for being the "winners" of the anniversary dance. Later in the evening, all of my girlfriends kept coming up to me asking when I was doing the bouquet toss. So, I told the DJ to play a song and caved into my friends wishes.

I know it's not the same, but if your friends have clearly expressed they're looking forward to it, and it's common/expected in your group of friends...then DO IT! Who cares what some uptight brides on TK say?

BMcLeodTeam · April 2012

I think that you need to think long and hard about what YOU want... not what the ladies on TK want in this case, and not about what your friends want. It sounds like in your circle the dollar dance wouldn't be considered 'rude' or 'tacky', however if you're uncomfortable with it (which it sounds like you are based on your post) then you certainly don't have to do it because its the 'norm' in your circle. Be honest and be firm with your friends so they know you're not joking if you don't plan on having one.

"I am sorry if this disappoints you, however I will not be having the money dance. Please don't put me in a situation that will make me uncomfortable by trying to arrange for one yourself during my wedding. If you are interested in giving me a couple dollars you can place it in an envelope in the card box."

SCogs18 · April 2012

What is a Jack & Jill or a Stag & Doe? I've heard of Jack and Jill showers, but I just thought that was a bridal shower where guys were invited.

QueerFemme · April 2012

thanks everyone... I think the thing for me... is originally, I just hadn't thought much about it. Before I started lurking around on TK, I didn't even realize it was even considered "rude" in some circles... Its just such a normal part of weddings.

With that said though... I don't really want one because of the "I make so much more than you" scenario. I'm just going to have to continue to remind them over the next few months not to do something stupid that will embarrass me. I am pretty sure my BM was kidding (with a hint of seriousness) when she said she was going to do it anyway. I'll just continue to reinforce not to do it.

thanks for letting me vent everyone.

celticmyss · April 2012

Simply tell them that you do not want to have one and ask them to respect your wishes. Explain that you would be very uncomfortable if they forced one on you. Real friends should be able to put your own wishes above their own.

You don't even need to bring up the fact that other people find it tacky if it is something you are simply not comfortable with.

smartlypretty · April 2012

If they are so common/expected in your area, how about a variation on it? I've heard that instead of giving mOney, guests have to write well wishes on a card and give that to the bride. Then you'd have them as keepsakes!!!

AriesAngel86 · April 2012

Hey now, I'm a social worker and if I wanted to participate in a dollar dance I do have $5 to spare. I'd take that part out of the equation because if they don't want to do it, they don't have to. Just think about what you personally want and go with that! Your friends should respect your wishes and if they insist in giving you the money... just tell them to buy you a celebration martini at a later time or something.

CowgirlK39 · April 2012

I think you should def do what YOU want, but also talk to people from YOUR area and YOUR curcles. If I had a dime for everything that TK has called me out on and told me NOT to do, yet my family and traditions indicate otherwise, I wouldn't have to use my credit card for my wedding. Do what you think is right and what people around you are ok with.

side rant: there seriously some people on the general boards who think their opinions are the rules and that no matter WHAT you say, you are a selfish bride and do not deserve a wedding. That's why I only come in here. [/end rant].

Vent mostly... (long)

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