MIL, SFIL, and SIL - oh my!

taylorpretzel4 · October 2010

Hey Knotties! I'm sorta new to this, but I did post an introduction, so I at least know how to submit a comment, ha.

I have this huge concern, and I figured there was no one better to ask for advice than the Military gals. I posted this on another board about a month ago, but I was WAY too detailed and I never actually got an answer to my question. >_>

Anyways, my FI and I are engaged right now. We've been talking about marriage for a couple of months (eee!) and the silly guy even wants a mangagement ring (d'aww!). Currently, he's at BMT in San Antonio until early December - yep, he's in Air Force - so we're going to hold off on announcing the news to our families for a little while. I'll probably tell mine the first week of November, but they basically already know. His family, however, is another story.

FMIL and FSFIL don't like me. Period. Once they discovered I have a couple of tattoos, among other things, and that Aaron and I were actually getting serious, they really pulled out all the stops. They've done everything from charging him rent for the last two months he was living with them before BMT (wtf?!) to proclaiming that he has to choose between them and me, backing down, however, once he told them he'd pick me every time.

But seriously, I can't stand confrontation. I've got no idea whatsoever as to what to do to remedy this situation. At one point, they really did like me - I mean, I go to church, I'm working twenty five hours a week to pay for my tuition, and I'm a full-time student. There's not a whole lot to not like about me, imho. I mean, I'm not a prostitute or a drug dealer. C'mon, that's got to count for something, right?! Ha.

I just want to know if it's out of line for me to contact his mother and ask her out to lunch to try and smooth things over, and maybe figure out why there is so much tension. I mean, it could be she just doesn't want to lose her only son. Or is there something else I should do? Should I just let it go and be okay with the fact that his family can't stand me?

kara811 · October 2010

Hi Taylor. Welcome to the board! I'm sorry about your situation. It's definitely not a nice position to be put in. It sucks. I think that it is very nice and sweet of you to want to ask your FMIL out to lunch and have a deep conversation with her. You should do this, it doesn't hurt to try right? Maybe it is what you are thinking, that she is afraid of losing her only son. It's always better to try and fix things and relationships than not do anything at all. It'll be better in the long run, especially once you 2 start having children. Hope everything works out!

Beachy730 · October 2010

I'm sorry they aren't supportive of you. I have no idea how old are you, but do think they you and he are too young to get married possibly?

I think it woud be nice to invite her to lunch. I wouldn't say anything about smoothing things over or anything when asking her though, as that could automatically put her on the defensive and make her decline your invite.

calindi · October 2010

I'm really sorry you don't feel welcomed by his family. It's got to be tough.

From a positive side, it's great to hear that he stood up for you and your relationship. That's really all we can ask for - we can't change his parents minds right away. Hopefully overtime they'll come to realize you aren't going anywhere (obviously) and they can either play nice or lose out on valuable time with their son.

In the meantime, he should be the one to tell them that you're engaged so they know there's no wiggle room. Obviously it's sad that you won't get the, "Oh really? Yay!" response that we'd all hope for. But at least they'll know where you both stand, and that he's firm.

Good luck!

taylorpretzel4 · October 2010

Thanks, guys.

Called her. She basically told me he's been cheating on me from the get-go. With two other girls. And that he's pulling this crap with one of them, currently. Gave me names and times. Said he told them he broke up with me a week before he left and that I was a stalker because he invited me to church the day before he left and gave him a hug goodbye.

He also has another facebook - one with hundreds of friends and his FAMILY linked to it, that he updated right before he left. He told me he didn't have one before, so I had made him one. That motherfucker had two. One for me - and one for everyone else.

I don't know what to think. I can't talk to him until Sunday at the earliest. I've talked to my mom and various friends about this. I'm numb; I'm hurt; I'm ashamed of myself for letting this happen, if it DID happen. And if it didn't, I totally just doubted everything we stood for. j;adfslkjfdskljsdlkjsdf;sdf

Help me, ladies. I feel like curling up under the stairs and just waiting to be excavated in twenty years. I know I can't do anything until he talks to me - MAYBE on Sunday - but the waiting is still killing me.

Victoria2013 · October 2010

Oh my that is difficult!!! All you can do is wait and talk to him, see if he will tell you the truth and go with your gut. Only you will know how you feel about it and what you will choose to believe and not believe. Either way I wish you all the luck with that and be strong. If it turns out to be true, yes it hurts but then obviously God had another plan for you and it doesn't seem to include him.

kara811 · October 2010

Oh wow, well that was something then wasn't it. What she had said. That's just so terrible! Especially if it is true. I'm so sorry all these things are happening to you right now. It's just so terrible to be put in a position like this. I'm curious though, did you check to see if he did have another facebook account, cus if you alread know that part is real, then who's to say the other things aren't true? But for now, yes all you can do is wait and talk to him. And he better lay it all out there, and tell you the truth. And if it turns out that it's true, then you've got a lot of decisions to make. Just take this time to reflect on your feelings, and on the possible decisions you'll have to make, that way come Sunday you are atleast ready and prepared. I wish you luck and all the best. And I really hope everything works out for you!

Beachy730 · October 2010

I'm really sorry that you had to hear that from her. This is a serious issue, whether it is true or not. If its not true, then you have a serious issue with his mom making all of this up.

I hate to say this, but from just what you have posted, I would have to believe it is true. Of course I don't know your situation, and you won't know for sure until you talk to him, if he admits it, but this is a lot. Did you see the FB page for yourself? Honestly, if you did, then I think its near impossible not to believe the rest of it. Being an independent person is one thing, but he is keeping you a whole seperate part than his own regular life. And theres a reason for that, most likely which is other girls. If thats not the reason, you still have another big issue with the lying and hiding things from you.

I know the next 2 days will seem to take forever until you can talk to him, but try to keep yourself focused on something else. If it is true, you have to remember that you are a strong enough person to move on from this. You are in school full time and you are working, which means you are a pretty strong chick. You can get through this, however it turns out.

calindi · October 2010

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that! Try to reserve judgement (as hard as that may be) until he gets back. But the evidence sounds rather damning, to be sure. If he had a Facebook and lied to you about it, that's deceptive.

Unfortunately, there are always those men. I met and briefly dated a guy I was crazy about, only to find out by chance that he was married the whole time. He had used his military background to explain the lack of communication (we met while we were in the same city, but we both lived elsewhere, so it was long distance and thus easier for him to be deceptive). However, it wasn't military training that kept him from calling, it was his wife! I felt sick to my stomach when I found out.

Present him what you know, ask him for an explanation, and be skeptical of his answer. If it doesn't make sense why he lied about having a Facebook, there's probably something he's hiding.

I'm sorry this is happening, no one deserves to be lied to and misled, and at least she had the heart to tell you the truth.

However, if it turns out she's causing problems and he's innocent, I'd be hella pissed at her. Just a side note, since I know there are people manipulative enough to try something like this.

taylorpretzel4 · October 2010

Thanks for the support, ladies.

Yes, I saw the facebook with my own eyes. It says he's single *heartbreak* but I can't see his wall, so idk if he was involved with another girl or not.

I sent him two letters - one was hurt and flat-out asked him allthe questions I want to know, and the other was after I'd calmed down a little, and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Even if he truthfully responds, though, I don't know if I can live with trusting him after this. If his mother lied about those things to get me to leave him, and I end up staying with him, she'll still have planted that seed of doubt in my mind, and I'll always wonder.

Plus, she said he called me a stalker in front of his family and church members, so that would be absolutely embarrassing if that were true.

Idk, ladies. I have a lot of thinking to do. But today was a lot easier to get through than I thought it would be. I guess I am pretty strong. :]

Seriously, though. Thanks for the support. I needed that extra boost.

kara811 · October 2010

You saw the other Facebook and it says he's single? I think it's safe to assume now then that all those other things his mother said are true. I can't take being lied to. Having a whole other FB account with all those people and those are the things on there is very hurtful and deceiptful. Talk to him and see what he says for himself, but this is not right. If he's lying about this FB account, then he must be lying about other things as well. You can find someone better. You deserve better. Once a liar, always a liar. And once a cheater, always a cheater. You are a strong girl. You will get through this. And I really do hope everything works out for you. You don't deserve this, no one does.

Beachy730 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_mil-sfil-sil-oh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:7bd25e77-0528-457d-a7fb-564e60d5d2e4Post:d23825d6-f4df-4f08-ae13-ca1c14b15aaa">Re: MIL, SFIL, and SIL - oh my!</a>:
[QUOTE]You saw the other Facebook and it says he's single? I think it's safe to assume now then that all those other things his mother said are true. I can't take being lied to. Having a whole other FB account with all those people and those are the things on there is very hurtful and deceiptful. Talk to him and see what he says for himself, but this is not right. If he's lying about this FB account, then he must be lying about other things as well. You can find someone better. You deserve better. Once a liar, always a liar. And once a cheater, always a cheater. You are a strong girl. You will get through this. And I really do hope everything works out for you. You don't deserve this, no one does.
Posted by kara811[/QUOTE]

Ditto all of this. Even if by chance his mom was only correct on the FB thing, its pretty evident there are further issues is he lied to you about having a FB, and is listed as single even though he is engaged.
Its probably actually a good thing that you can't talk to him right away because it gives you some time to think about whats going on with the situation and to get your thoughts and words together before you finally talk to him. Don't let him turn this around on you, and don't let him sweettalk you into thinking you made this all up in your head. I'm not saying that there isn't a chance he is innocent, but its very unlikely given what you found with FB. Ultimately, its your choice how you want to handle it, but if you choose to stay with him, you guys will have some serious work to do on honesty and trust.

taylorpretzel4 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_mil-sfil-sil-oh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7bd25e77-0528-457d-a7fb-564e60d5d2e4Post:1293ed2a-d4f7-43ed-8c06-2326ecd5064f">Re: MIL, SFIL, and SIL - oh my!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MIL, SFIL, and SIL - oh my! : Ditto all of this. Even if by chance his mom was only correct on the FB thing, its pretty evident there are further issues is he lied to you about having a FB, and<strong> is listed as single even though he is engaged.</strong> Its probably actually a good thing that you can't talk to him right away because it gives you some time to think about whats going on with the situation and to get your thoughts and words together before you finally talk to him. <strong>Don't let him turn this around on you, and don't let him sweettalk you into thinking you made this all up in your head.</strong> I'm not saying that there isn't a chance he is innocent, but its very unlikely given what you found with FB. Ultimately, its your choice how you want to handle it, but if you choose to stay with him, <strong>you guys will have some serious work to do on honesty and trust. </strong>
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>First: THANK YOU for agreeing with me on this. I told a couple of my friends this, and they said it was no big deal; it's just facebook. >_></div><div>
</div><div>Secondly: Yeah, I am really bad about doing that. I tend to blame myself for things that couldn't have possibly been my fault.</div><div>
</div><div>Thirdly: I agree there, wholeheartedly. I mean, I have some personal trust issues as it is, and compounded with this, it's just a nightmare. But I talked to a friend of mine who's super close to one of Aaron's exes, and she told our friend that Aaron's mother did this sort of thing to her, too, and that's why they ultimately broke up. So..??</div><div>
</div><div>But, yeah, this is more than just his mother. Because no matter what the result is on that, he lied to me about having a "second life," and I <strong>won't</strong> put up with that. So he has a lot of work to do on himself, and I really am going to push him to making his mother behave. Because she has no right to control his life, and be in his business. I wonder if he even knew she does all of this.</div><div>
</div><div>Idk, idk, idk. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt until we talk. Talking to our mutual friend put me at ease, because I'd rather have a FI who lies about a facebook and has a horrible mother than one who is a serial cheater. We can work on trust and honesty. I refuse to tolerate infidelity.</div>

Beachy730 · October 2010

Yes, I agree it is only a FB, and not everyone is up to date on changing their relationship status. But the FB issue is more that he completely lied to you about having one. There is a reason for that. Nobody lies about having a FB unless they don't want people to see it. Perfect example, I used to tell all of my students that I didn't have one because I didn't want them to find it and see pictures of me at bars and drinking. And then I would set it to private just in case they did find it.

That is really odd that the mutual friend said the mother did a simlar thing to her. If she really did make everything up, then you definitely have some mom issues to deal with, or FI to deal with. And you have the lying and trust issue too. Especially being a LDR trust and honesty are a huge part of making it work. My H had the problem where he used to think by omitting information, he wasn't really lying when we were living apart and first started dating. It took many "conversations" before he could finally understand what I meant. And having a life outside of your relationship is fine, but not if he hides that life from you.

Good luck when you talk to him. Let us know how it goes. And if needed print this thread out so you have reminders to yourself.

truegirl89 · October 2010

PP, Totally agree.

Def don't let him turn this around on you. I use to date someone that did that, and by the end of the convo, it was my fault. Think about what you are going to say. If you have to make a list of things to talk about so you don't get off topic.

The FB thing is a big deal, and not a big deal. It's a big deal cause he lied about having it. Usually if you if you lie about something like that then your hiding something. It's not a big deal, because like PP said, sometimes the status is not up to date. Still a lie.

I believe in forgiveness, but with that being said, being military GF, FI, or wife, there has to be a lot of trust there. They are often away, and you have no clue what is going on, that's when you fall back on that trust. It's not helping that he is already being distrustful.

I hope that things work out. Even if it is a lie, and FMIL is not being truthful, then you have a BIG problem on your hands. I would worry about that once you get the other things worked out. GL! Keep us updated.

calindi · October 2010

The ONLY way I can see this as forgiveable is if his mother made the Facebook account to scare you off. It's possible.

But if he had a separate Facebook that he didn't tell you about, and it said "Single", and he used that one regularly and only made a new one so you didn't find out about his real Facebook... that's too much. It's deceptive, dishonest, and a horrible way to treat someone you care about.

Good luck!

ThomasKezar · January 2011

Sorry for being devils advocate here, but anyone can make a facebook page with anyone's name and put any status they want.... his mom could have made that page to do just what you said... place that seed of doubt. If that is the case he has to deal with his mom. If he really does have that FB page and there is other issues to deal with.

Whatever happens I hope you find happiness.

Beachy730 · January 2011

This post was from over 2 months ago, and this girl has already found out it was all true, and has broken up with her FI. You should check the dates before you post.

MIL, SFIL, and SIL - oh my!

Re: MIL, SFIL, and SIL - oh my!

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