Biggie E-gift

SmallSails · September 2010

So we had our engagement party awhile back and I didn't think to get an opinion here because I'm still feeling a little uneasy about it all. We had a very casual affair and it was all great! We received some gifts; none of which we were expecting! Being an inexperienced bride when it comes to attending weddings, I had no idea the couple receives gifts at an e-party.

Anyway, the evening winded down and we opened the gifts after many of the guests had left. My FI's parents shell shocked us in the nicest way possible! In a simple card, they explained that they had put money down at a local jewelry store to pay for our wedding bands. We were thrilled obviously but also like... whoa, you're helping out enough already!!! I was really shocked.

I felt bad for my parents, as they threw the party and my mom said she felt sad afterwards that she didn't get us anything. I said it didn't matter at all.

Here's the thing: My FI's parents are mega nice and great people, they just tend to go over-the-top a lot and like to buy flashy things. Thinking back, it should not have surprised me so much that they did that. They love to own the moment and the wedding bands being such a big symbol, it kind of makes sense now.

Since then, I just feel a little weary and bad for my parents. They are not competitive people at all and have taught me to be very sensible with my money. My heart sunk when I saw the look on my mom's face when I opened the card. Am I crazy for being really happy but also just a little worried about having my parents feel inadequate? They are being such a big support and all because my FI's parents are basically throwing money at us, I think my mom and dad's support is priceless.

I just don't know how to ensure this type of situation doesn't happen again...

[Deleted User] · September 2010

I would have your FI talk to his parents about what they did and how it made you and your parents feel.

quotequeen · September 2010

I think it's normal to be a little concerned about how your respective families feel when they are not in a position or not the type of people to give the same amount in the same situation. However, if you're really concerned about it, you shouldn't be sharing the gifts that your FILs give you with your parents. It isn't their business anyway, and probably nothing good can come from telling them that.

I would have your FI talk to his parents about what they did and how it made you and your parents feel.

I don't understand what you think he should say to his parents: Your gift was too generous and made my FI's parents feel bad? Why make his own parents feel bad about the gift that they gave? There was absolutely nothing wrong with what they did.

Birdie1483 · September 2010

My FI and I were just in a similar situation when his parents gave us a small engagement gift and my mom didn't. I felt bad and didn't want her to feel like she needed to give us anything or that we were even expecting anything, because she is helping us out so much with the wedding.

If you are worried about how your parents feel after such a big gift from your FI's family, I would sit down with them and explain that your love is not bought with money or flashy gifts. Explain that you appreciate everything they have done for you and how much they have given to you throughout your life. A flashy engagement present will not overshadow all of the love and support they've provided you in your life. This is a situation where I think having open communication and a conversation about it can really make everyone feel better in the end.

I would also appreciate how much your FI's family is willing to do for you. I would see these gifts as a blessing and not a burden. Many couples struggle with how they are going to pay for aspects of the wedding themselves. It really is a wonderful thing that they are willing to help you guys out.

I would also try to do what quotequeen says and keep the gifts private if you feel like it might become a problem with hurt feelings.

thesuninherhead · September 2010

I love your sig pic!

(sorry, got distracted!) :P

As for the situation- honestly, even if your parents were a little sad they didn't get you something, I'm sure they're happy that you have supportive in-laws. All you can do is reaffirm how much you appreciate the help that your parents are providing and how fantastic it is that you've got two sets of supportive parents helping you along with this. Make it clear that neither set of parents is regarded as 'better' than the other through the way that you discuss the generosity of both families and hopefully your mother will feel less threatened.

Manwaithiel · September 2010

Seriously.

This is borderline high school. Life shouldn't be a competition and your mom does not need to get all hurt about your in laws getting you a nice gift. Your mom threw the party. Your in laws gave you a gift. What is the problem exactly? I think it's rather crappy the way you talk about your in laws. They chose to get you a nice gift and you're going to say "They went way over the top and love to own the moment." Really...that's ungrateful of you in a very passive aggressive sort of way.

Be grateful for the gift...which, by the way, is none of your parents' business. As in all things aside from birthday parties and showers, you should not have opened gifts when anyone else was around, including your parents. It's just easier and saves you from situations like this one. DO NOT OPEN WEDDING GIFTS AT YOUR WEDDING. Please.

You DO NOT say anything to your in laws. It is completely inappropriate and will most likely hurt their feelings. As someone who likes to get her friends nice things, I get really hurt when they accuse me of going over the top. I think "I went out of my way to get you something nice and you're going to be upset about it?"

Think about that for a second. Really, this whole situation is your own fault. Gifts that are not your shower gifts (if you get a shower) should only be opened in the presence of your FI and yourself. Parents need not be there.

heyimbren · September 2010

If all she had said was "they love to own the moment" I would have thought it was catty. But the rest of her post didn't suggest to me that she meant that in a catty way at all.

Perhaps she shouldn't have, but she did. I don't see how your post with berating her for doing so was helping. I agree that her mother doesn't need to be upset about these things, which is what OP was asking for advice on. And honestly, I think when someone is close to their parents I don't see why the parents should absolutely not be involved in seeing what gifts are received. Yes, they're adults and on their own, but I'd think that parents would be interested in seeing what gifts had been given. OP had no way of knowing how her mother would react to this very generous gift. I really don't see that she did something so atrocious, but I think that she has now learned that to avoid this problem in the future (as she asked for advice on) to refrain from involving her parents in gifts if they'll feel like this.

Manwaithiel · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_big-time-e-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19e1378e-4199-48e9-996e-50c7d06f9b8cPost:a577272e-cc04-4690-b415-04e310234baa">Re: Biggie E-gift</a>:
[QUOTE]If all she had said was "they love to own the moment" I would have thought it was catty. But the rest of her post didn't suggest to me that she meant that in a catty way at all. Perhaps she shouldn't have, but she did. I don't see how your post with berating her for doing so was helping. I agree that her mother doesn't need to be upset about these things, which is what OP was asking for advice on. And honestly, I think when someone is close to their parents I don't see why the parents should absolutely not be involved in seeing what gifts are received. Yes, they're adults and on their own, but I'd think that parents would be interested in seeing what gifts had been given. OP had no way of knowing how her mother would react to this very generous gift. I really don't see that she did something so atrocious, but I think that she has now learned that to avoid this problem in the future (as she asked for advice on) to refrain from involving her parents in gifts if they'll feel like this.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

I'm not trying to berate anybody and I'm sorry if you see it that way, but I'm just telling it how it is. I have no patience for people getting upset about being outdone by gifts. None. That is just my view on that. It's completely senseless.

She did not just say, "They love to own the moment." She also said, "They love to go over the top and buy flashy things." Which sounds a whole lot like jealousy to me than anything else. I'm not saying the OP's jealous, but she could reevaluate how she describes things. As I've said, if someone said, "I think that was really over the top and you bought this flashy thing to own the moment," I would be REALLY REALLY upset. And I think most people would be. I think it's really unfair on the OP's part to assume that's the reason the parents bought the gift or that they buy things like that in general as opposed to out of the kindness of their own hearts. If anyone is making unfair assumptions, it's on the OP.

heyimbren · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_big-time-e-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:19e1378e-4199-48e9-996e-50c7d06f9b8cPost:fc1134b9-e5d7-4817-a8aa-ad5580eb3966">Re: Biggie E-gift</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Biggie E-gift : I'm not trying to berate anybody and I'm sorry if you see it that way, but I'm just telling it how it is. I have no patience for people getting upset about being outdone by gifts. None. That is just my view on that. It's completely senseless. She did not just say, "They love to own the moment." She also said, "They love to go over the top and buy flashy things." Which sounds a whole lot like jealousy to me than anything else. I'm not saying the OP's jealous, but she could reevaluate how she describes things. As I've said, if someone said, "I think that was really over the top and you bought this flashy thing to own the moment," I would be REALLY REALLY upset. And I think most people would be. I think it's really unfair on the OP's part to assume that's the reason the parents bought the gift or that they buy things like that in general as opposed to out of the kindness of their own hearts. If anyone is making unfair assumptions, it's on the OP.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

I guess the way I read the entirety of her post gave me a very different vibe. I agree that her mother needn't feel outdone by the gift, but that shouldn't be taken out on the OP.
OP also said her FILs are mega-nice and great people. She also said she was very happy to receive this gift. And right after saying they like to go over the top, she also said that it made sense to her now that they'd give something as big and important as the wedding bands. To me, that sounded like she was saying they're generous and are very involved.

I suppose we just have very different vibes from the OP. I think some of her phrases could have been phrased better, but I'm just saying the impression I got from it. Either way, I think she got some advice she can use in the future.

Manwaithiel · September 2010

OP,

It's perfectly okay to be swept off your feet by what your IL's did. It was a very big gesture. But the way you're talking about your in laws in the first post did not sound very nice. I know you probably are not even remotely trying to come across that way, but your first post sounded like you thought your in laws only did what they did to show off and flaunt their riches as opposed to doing something nice for their son and FDIL. Your follow up post explains better, but I still would be careful in what you assume about his parents. Some people just like to give nice surprises. It's just what they do. And you can strive for equality and balance, and that's great, but the world is not equal as I'm sure you realize. And if you get bent out of shape about this stuff, you might end up really offending some people who are just trying to help you.

Manwaithiel · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_big-time-e-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19e1378e-4199-48e9-996e-50c7d06f9b8cPost:621b0134-d195-4a45-b55a-f0611b5df0be">Re: Biggie E-gift</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Biggie E-gift : I guess the way I read the entirety of her post gave me a very different vibe. I agree that her mother needn't feel outdone by the gift, but that shouldn't be taken out on the OP. OP also said her FILs are mega-nice and great people. She also said she was very happy to receive this gift. And right after saying they like to go over the top, she also said that it made sense to her now that they'd give something as big and important as the wedding bands. To me, that sounded like she was saying they're generous and are very involved. I suppose we just have very different vibes from the OP. I think some of her phrases could have been phrased better, but I'm just saying the impression I got from it. Either way, I think she got some advice she can use in the future.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Her follow up post gives me a very different vibe from the first one. I see what you're saying.

heyimbren · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_big-time-e-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:19e1378e-4199-48e9-996e-50c7d06f9b8cPost:5118851e-73b2-411b-bbf0-e6afed7fc46f">Re: Biggie E-gift</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Biggie E-gift : Her follow up post gives me a very different vibe from the first one. I see what you're saying.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

To be fair, I also saw some of your valid concerns as well.

brookelynpaisley · September 2010

Um... your situation is very much like my sister's. They have quite a bit more than my parents do and his mom (who is super type-A) tends to try to take over everything and make a big to-do about it.

It's okay to feel protective of your parents' feelings when money is being flashed in front of them. I wouldn't have your fiance say anything to his parents. It isn't going to do any good. I would just make sure to reassure your own mother that all the support, love, and contributions she makes mean the world to you.

I would advise you, however, that your comment about being big on equality and fairness concerns me some. Tallying and keeping track of everything can be exhausting and detrimental to your relationships. Things aren't going to be even all the time. If you're constantly keeping track, there's bound to be resentment. Let that go.

SmallSails · September 2010

I have to laugh at some of the assumptions made here! Good thing I don't take all of this too seriously! Especially Manwaithiel, whose thoughts were unfortunately off the mark in the beginning... but I think you are now enlightened regarding the situation? Otherwise, I will go sit in the corner for a timeout because I've apparently been an awful, awful bride.

My future in-laws are amazing people and I love them! They are just different when it comes to showing their generosity and I'm still adjusting to that. I am very grateful and thankful they are so kind. Saying jealously is a part of the equation is just silly. Why would I be jealous when I was the one who recieved such a large gift?

Yes, they are flashy - my FMIL's slogan is "Never be a conformist!!!" They'd be the first to tell you this. Not that it will make much of a difference in any of your minds, but his parents did want us to open their gift in front of the guests but we said it wasn't the appropriate etiquette.

As well, it would have been incredibly rude that after everyone cleared out of my parent's house and when mom asked if we could open the gifts in front of her and dad, I had said, "Ummm... no mom and dad, while you hosted a beautiful evening, I will not open my gifts in front of you... I'm just going to go pack them up in the car and never speak of it again." Let's be realistic here. That's just plain rude. The wedding is a different story as no one will be hosting it in a house or anything. Gifts will be opened alone.

Parents show generosity in different ways and I'm learning that. Good thing I have lots of time to adjust to having two sets of them! And I don't think my mom is being immature at all. Weddings can be a bit of a confusing time for the couple, let alone the families as well. Throw in the fact that my Grandmother had just died 2 weeks before and my mom had been majorly emotional anyway... very confusing time for her.

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