Guest list plus one dilema

MissKate2011 · April 2011

Educate yourselves on what the common practices are. Look it up online if you have to, but I didn't post this to hear anyone tell me that I am "rude" when they don't seem to have any grasp on what the etiquette truly is. Just in case you'd like to see some proof that this is not such an out there idea: http://www.wikihow.com/Create-a-Wedding-Guest-List
Posted by janlguthrie[/QUOTE]

Wiki How is NOT a proper ettiquette site. If you are interested in learning real Ettiquette please read Emily Post.

About the B list:
http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/wedding-invitations-and-announcements/341-essential-invitation-dos-and-donts

Duties of Best man:
http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/646-inside-weddings-the-wedding-party

Reception Invitation Courtesies:
http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/521-receptioninvitationcourtesies

hlq2011 · April 2011

MissKate, please please please remove that link about duties. While it may be tradition that the MOH and BM do those things, it's not required and that makes it sound like it is.

jessicabessica · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-plus-one-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2095b95-af60-4473-bd5f-86b745b636d6Post:b0cfe878-d57d-43dd-9a15-92b2dcd15174">Re: Guest list plus one dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]for some reason people can't seem the grasp the concept that we have said we don't mind if he brings a date. It was the fil comments that made us worry about what other people were going to do about bringing plus ones. I never said that we didn't have our bridal party bringing plus ones. I was only stating that it may be necessary to have a young and irresponsible best man be around his family that night instead but I never tried to make this a law. As for delegating the duties to the best man, I think it's crazy to say that the only thing you expect of your bm is to show up. We don't want to help after the wedding because we just paid a ton of money for our wedding and we have to be on an airplane at 7am. I don't think that's rude to ask for help from bridal party members after your wedding so you don't have to worry about doing it yourself. The backup list people don't even have any clue that we are even having a wedding. They were people that our family members asked us to invite if we had the space. They are not in limbo about whether they are being invited to the wedding. They are not invited! I'm not saying that this is the nicest thing for people to do but sometimes it's necessary when you are trying to fill free spaces. I see that you should use wiki as any definite source but your telling me that I am supposed to use a bunch of people opinions as THE source? <strong>I just think that if your going to claim you are the wedding etiquette guru, you should know what the other majority of people are going to say.</strong>
Posted by janlguthrie[/QUOTE]

So because "the majority of other people" (I'm skeptical about the majority part) say something or did something, that's the right approach?

There's a difference between saying:
1. "I didn't have a B list because it's not proper etiquette and I didn't want to be rude."
2. "I am having a B list, because I can't figure out what else to do, but I know I'm breaking an etiquette rule."
and 3. "I am having a B list, and it's ok because that's what I want and my guests don't care anyway."

When you post on an etiquette board, it's #3 that is not going to be well-received. There are people here who are not following every etiquette rule, me included, but I'm not going to tell an anonymous poster to fudge it on a particular issue because I've decided to do so.

MattsPenguin · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-plus-one-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2095b95-af60-4473-bd5f-86b745b636d6Post:0675a3a0-d792-49fb-8cf5-98aec7fe1ca0">Re: Guest list plus one dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest list plus one dilema : There's a certain irony there, though, isn't there? This board being the internet, and all?
Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]

Yeah, it wasn't lost on me either.

Miss Kate, thanks for finding those Emily Post links about the B list and invitatio courtesies. I wanted to find them to show the OP what the internet can also say, but apparently didn't dig deep enough.

janlguthrie · April 2011

and vice cersa right?

I'm not sure where the irony is in that because you were the one who said that I should not trust all of the online resources.

Again, if everyone heard me the "first ten times" about the BM then people would stop posting about that.

You're also assuming that I didn't ASK the bridal party for their help.

I didn't ask anyone whether or not they thought a back up list was appropriate. If you read the other posts, that was NEVER a question. So yes, when someone attacks me for using one when they do not know the reasoning behind it or how I feel about using one, I am going to get defensive about it.

My question was and I'll ask it again, what do you say to someone who believes we should be inviting all of our guest (not the bridal party), with a plus one because she has never attended a wedding where SHE wasn't allowed to. She is the mother of the groom and she should be representing OUR idea of the wedding if anyone ever asks about bringing a date or anything like that, so we would like her to be understanding of what kind of wedding we would like to have. The other part of my question was how do you explain to friends who we are inviting, but haven't received a wedding invitation yet saying who exactly is invited, that it is not polite to be telling us that they already have a date lined up and shouldn't ask people to be their date to our wedding unitl they have recieved the invitation telling them they can have a plus one because our decision about that has not been made yet.

MattsPenguin · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-plus-one-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2095b95-af60-4473-bd5f-86b745b636d6Post:532facd2-078c-42a3-bf1b-743f744d05d0">Re: Guest list plus one dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]The only etiquette rules that you will get here regarding guests are:

If someone has a signifcant other (even if they've only been dating a few weeks), then they should NOT be split up as a social unit. That person should be allowed to bring their date.

For other people, it's a judgement call for you. And if someone rsvp's with a guest that you weren't anticipating (and does not fit into the above categories), you have every right to call them and inform them that space is limited and that the invitation was only meant for them.
Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

My original answer to you!

janlguthrie · April 2011

I would appreciate it if people only responded with advice on the original questions. I do not need anyone's help explaining to me what a bm or moh or bp's duties are. Or tell me that the bridal party should be allowed to bring a guest. I've already got that part covered.

Although I do wonder what makes the Emily website the true etiquette over all of the others you say I should not see as being reliable?

MissKate2011 · April 2011

hlq2011 - I'm sorry if you disagree with the duties of the wedding party. Those are not my words but the words of one of todays top wedding ettiquette experts. If I can't post those in a forum dedicated to proper ettiquette then there's a problem.

I don't 100% agree with everything they say but I can assure you if they say it's so then we're not in the position to argue with them about proper ettiquette.

OP just an FYI - FI and I have not attended certain weddings because of poor ettiquette and it has affected our relationship with those people. Please think of that before making any decisions.

hlq2011 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-plus-one-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2095b95-af60-4473-bd5f-86b745b636d6Post:1cb26b7b-56fc-4b83-9ec6-4b9f3336ea2f">Re: Guest list plus one dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]and vice cersa right? <strong>I'm not sure where the irony is in that because you were the one who said that I should not trust all of the online resources.</strong> Again, if everyone heard me the "first ten times" about the BM then people would stop posting about that. You're also assuming that I didn't ASK the bridal party for their help. I didn't ask anyone whether or not they thought a back up list was appropriate. If you read the other posts, that was NEVER a question. So yes, when someone attacks me for using one when they do not know the reasoning behind it or how I feel about using one, I am going to get defensive about it. My question was and I'll ask it again, what do you say to someone who believes we should be inviting all of our guest (not the bridal party), with a plus one because she has never attended a wedding where SHE wasn't allowed to. She is the mother of the groom and she should be representing OUR idea of the wedding if anyone ever asks about bringing a date or anything like that, so we would like her to be understanding of what kind of wedding we would like to have. The other part of my question was how do you explain to friends who we are inviting, but haven't received a wedding invitation yet saying who exactly is invited, that it is not polite to be telling us that they already have a date lined up and shouldn't ask people to be their date to our wedding unitl they have recieved the invitation telling them they can have a plus one because our decision about that has not been made yet.
Posted by janlguthrie[/QUOTE]

Um, that part was the irony.

You say that you are only inviting plus-ones when a guest is in a relationship. The wedding party is an exception to the rule, but you don't need to explain that to anyone.

No one attacked you until you started attacking us for telling you the proper etiquette. You were told that a B-list is a violation of etiquette (which it is, and again, I'm saying this as someone who's having one), at which point you started arguing that no one here knew what they were talking about.

MattsPenguin · April 2011

Because it is Emily Post. She and Miss Manners are THE authority on etiquette for any situation.

hlq2011 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-plus-one-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2095b95-af60-4473-bd5f-86b745b636d6Post:2248401f-e294-4869-9a02-d2e8d80bbe90">Re: Guest list plus one dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]hlq2011 - I'm sorry if you disagree with the duties of the wedding party. Those are not my words but the words of one of todays top wedding ettiquette experts. If I can't post those in a forum dedicated to proper ettiquette then there's a problem. I don't 100% agree with everything they say but I can assure you if they say it's so then we're not in the position to argue with them about proper ettiquette. OP just an FYI - FI and I have not attended certain weddings because of poor ettiquette and it has affected our relationship with those people. Please think of that before making any decisions.
Posted by MissKate2011[/QUOTE]

No need to get so defensive. I just didn't want the OP (or anyone else) claiming that as justification for demanding their WP do those things.

I personally think that's more an interpretation of tradition, rather than an etiquette rule.

mica178 · April 2011

Jan -- Please be aware that this is a public forum, so it is difficult to control who posts or on which part of your thread they comment.

I will reiterate that you should lurk a bit on these boards.

hlq2011 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-plus-one-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2095b95-af60-4473-bd5f-86b745b636d6Post:f698b298-7152-488e-9185-24dd212a0d21">Re: Guest list plus one dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]I would appreciate it if people only responded with advice on the original questions. I do not need anyone's help explaining to me what a bm or moh or bp's duties are. Or tell me that the bridal party should be allowed to bring a guest. I've already got that part covered. Although I do wonder what makes the Emily website the true etiquette over all of the others you say I should not see as being reliable?
Posted by janlguthrie[/QUOTE]

This is a public message board. Trying to dictate what people post is not going to get you anywhere.

janlguthrie · April 2011

What was the point in stating the irony in the conversation? Because I never said I trusted any online resources. I only said that people should read all of the opinions; there will be conflicting opinions about etiquette and you cannot just filter out the ones that make you seem correct. In turn you said that this was a forum for people who "know etiquette"; on online source that you feel I should trust. Yet, you then called this an online source and "how ironic". Didn't you just make yourself sound unreliable?

MissKate2011 · April 2011

Sorry OP -
To answer your question about Emily Post, the family has been the top ettiquette experts (on everything not just weddings) since 1922.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emily_Post

Sorry that all the answers got out of hand.

You'll find your answers here:
http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/158-wedding-guest-list-faqs

Send to the MOG for reference as well!

hlq2011 · April 2011

That post wasn't talking to you. It was talking to someone else, and had nothing to do with anything you specifically said. I was commenting on myself, for pete's sake.

But since you're asking, quoting online sources to back yourself up implies you're trusting online resources.

The girls here go by Emily Post, who is widely considered the authority on etiquette. That's what you should trust. That's why you can trust them. That is all.

Beachy730 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-plus-one-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2095b95-af60-4473-bd5f-86b745b636d6Post:1cb26b7b-56fc-4b83-9ec6-4b9f3336ea2f">Re: Guest list plus one dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]and vice cersa right? I'm not sure where the irony is in that because you were the one who said that I should not trust all of the online resources. Again, if everyone heard me the "first ten times" about the BM then people would stop posting about that. You're also assuming that I didn't ASK the bridal party for their help. I didn't ask anyone whether or not they thought a back up list was appropriate. If you read the other posts, that was NEVER a question. So yes, when someone attacks me for using one when they do not know the reasoning behind it or how I feel about using one, I am going to get defensive about it. My question was and I'll ask it again, what do you say to someone who believes we should be inviting all of our guest (not the bridal party), with a plus one because she has never attended a wedding where SHE wasn't allowed to. She is the mother of the groom and she should be representing OUR idea of the wedding if anyone ever asks about bringing a date or anything like that, so we would like her to be understanding of what kind of wedding we would like to have. The other part of my question was how do you explain to friends who we are inviting, but haven't received a wedding invitation yet saying who exactly is invited, that it is not polite to be telling us that they already have a date lined up and shouldn't ask people to be their date to our wedding unitl they have recieved the invitation telling them they can have a plus one because our decision about that has not been made yet.
Posted by janlguthrie[/QUOTE]

<div>First of all, it's an international public forum, people can answer however they want, whenever they want. If you don't like that concept, don't post on a message board. It's simple. However you might want to reconsider your other sources of "proper etiquette." If I really wanted to, I could go on wikipedia and write that it's perfectly accpetable to require $200 gifts from all guests. Would you come quote that?
</div><div>
</div><div>While you may have said you'll away your FBIL to bring a plus one, you're still defending why he shouldn't get one. Forgive us for not believing you that the issue is resolved.</div><div>
</div><div>If your FMIL is not paying, she gets no say in who gets guests and who does not. Not everyone needs a guest, but it's always nice to do if it's possible. </div><div>
</div><div>B lists are just rude, plain and simple. Whether or not you asked for our opinion, we can give it. Again, the beauty of a public message board. </div><div>
</div><div>For people who ask whether or not they are getting a guest, or telling you who they will bring, just say "we haven't even begun to figure out a guest list yet, but we will be sure to let you know if we are able to accommodate guests." </div><div>
</div><div>Also, your wedding is 5 months away still. It's a little harsh to already determine who is and isn't getting a date. While your friend may only be dating this woman for a weeks, if they are still together when your wedding comes, that's 6 months, and considered serious to most people. </div>

janlguthrie · April 2011

What are Emily's credentials?

It was my understanding that this was a message board for people to ask questions and get answers. If someone is going to just start randomly posting things that dont pertain to the subject of the original post, I think that I can ask that people start giving attention to what I was asking so I don't have to sift through all of the stuff to get my question answered. If that's not how this message board operates, and I can't get my question answered without everyone throwing out their opinions on everything else I am doing, then I am not going to look at the opinions on here as being very valid.

MissKate2011 · April 2011

hlq2011 - I appologize for getting defensive.

MissKate2011 · April 2011

OP - I posted that info 3 posts above.

Beachy730 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-plus-one-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2095b95-af60-4473-bd5f-86b745b636d6Post:0351a22d-d3e4-4586-9bea-7c8a561f1eeb">Re: Guest list plus one dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]What are Emily's credentials? It was my understanding that this was a message board for people to ask questions and get answers. If someone is going to just start randomly posting things that dont pertain to the subject of the original post, I think that I can ask that people start giving attention to what I was asking so I don't have to sift through all of the stuff to get my question answered. If that's not how this message board operates, and I can't get my question answered without everyone throwing out their opinions on everything else I am doing, then I am not going to look at the opinions on here as being very valid.
Posted by janlguthrie[/QUOTE]

<div>You are a joke. You are going to question Emily Post's credentials, then tell us you aren't going to believe our info to be valid because we don't just answer you questions and nothing else? You should go check out your month board. They give validation there. Good luck with your wedding. Come back in October and tell us how many people you offended. </div>

janlguthrie · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-plus-one-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2095b95-af60-4473-bd5f-86b745b636d6Post:415c2c02-46e2-40d8-8f12-335a81073b48">Re: Guest list plus one dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest list plus one dilema : First of all, it's an international public forum, people can answer however they want, whenever they want. If you don't like that concept, don't post on a message board. It's simple. However you might want to reconsider your other sources of "proper etiquette." If I really wanted to, I could go on wikipedia and write that it's perfectly accpetable to require $200 gifts from all guests. Would you come quote that? While you may have said you'll away your FBIL to bring a plus one, you're still defending why he shouldn't get one. Forgive us for not believing you that the issue is resolved. If your FMIL is not paying, she gets no say in who gets guests and who does not. Not everyone needs a guest, but it's always nice to do if it's possible. B lists are just rude, plain and simple. Whether or not you asked for our opinion, we can give it. Again, the beauty of a public message board. For people who ask whether or not they are getting a guest, or telling you who they will bring, just say "we haven't even begun to figure out a guest list yet, but we will be sure to let you know if we are able to accommodate guests." <strong>Also, your wedding is 5 months away still. It's a little harsh to already determine who is and isn't getting a date. </strong> While your friend may only be dating this woman for a weeks, if they are still together when your wedding comes, that's 6 months, and considered serious to most people.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

It's amazing to me that I have to be so precise with my wording for people to not feel the need to criticize. I just said we haven't made the decision yet! but if in 3 months from now, we decide that they shouldn't bring a date, thats where the dilema lies. This is a friend who has been dating this person online for 2 weeks. If they are still together, our wedding could possibly be the first time they see each other. That to me, does not seem like a serious relationship. I'm sure everyone will say that's so rude of me but if I'm going by the etiquette that only couples engaged, married, living together, or seriously dating should bring their plus one, I don't feel as though he falls in that category.

opalsky007 · April 2011

Please don't cut it off at engaged couples only. That's very judgmental of other people's relationships. Some people are together for years without getting engaged or married, or moving in together.

My husband and I were together for four years before we would have met any of those criteria. And I would have been furious if one of us had been invited to a wedding without the other.

hlq2011 · April 2011

I suggest you read this for Emily Post's background: http://www.emilypost.com/about-us

Jan, this is why it's a good idea to lurk on a web site before posting. If you did, you'd understand better how this message board works.

hlq2011 · April 2011

MissKate - no problem. Tone doesn't travel well through the written word

janlguthrie · April 2011

WOW!! Just because I've never heard of Emily's posting and ask why that is a realiable resource thats a joke?

janlguthrie · April 2011

I said serious relationships also.

hlq2011 · April 2011

Emily Post is an institution, Jan. Literally. Read the link I posted on the previous page, and spend some time on that site; it should clear a lot of things up.

Beachy730 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-plus-one-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2095b95-af60-4473-bd5f-86b745b636d6Post:a313d721-515a-4cd5-b4bc-0bb55a8da8d9">Re: Guest list plus one dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]WOW!! Just because I've never heard of Emily's posting and ask why that is a realiable resource thats a joke?
Posted by janlguthrie[/QUOTE]

<div>No, because you have had countless posters telling you the proper etiquette, and you are insisting that what you read on Wikihow is the better source. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, your questions have been answered multiple times, just apparently not to your liking. This is clearly not the board for you. The validation boards can be found listed under "wedding month boards." </div>

8daysaweek · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-plus-one-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2095b95-af60-4473-bd5f-86b745b636d6Post:a74fc05c-adfc-4da3-bec7-a5321f19d1e0">Guest list plus one dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]I have read all over the internet that the proper etiquette for inviting guests is that if you have decided to not allow your guests a plus one, you state that clearly on the invitation that it is just to them. But what do you do if you have just sent out save the dates and already, people are telling you who they plan to bring as their date when you werent going to allow them guests? These people aren't in serious realtionships and one of them is the best man. When I discussed this with my mother-in-law to be (whose son is the best man trying to bring the guest) she said she had never heard of people not being allowed to bring a guest and said we were going to have a problem with people if that's what we decided to do. What do you say to something like that?
Posted by janlguthrie[/QUOTE]

Your FMIL is right: If you do not invite guests with a plus 1, you probably are going to have a problem with some people. You will likely get rsvps back with uninvited plus 1s or phone calls or questions about it. That's just how it is. You'll have to deal with it by being prepared to explain your reason for not including +1 and being ready to call the guests who do add someone to the rsvp to explain that you are sorry for the confusion but the invitation is only for them. It might be uncomfortable and it won't be fun, but it happens.

You also should understand that you are not the judge of whether a person's relationship is "serious." For example, I have friends who were serious with their significant other within a couple months of starting to date; FI and I dated for a year before we became "serious." How will you determine what qualifies as a serious relationship?

As for the rest of your comments in this post, you're coming off really poorly. Emily Post is a highly-regarded etiquette expert; wiki is a source that can be amended and written by anyone and its advice should be taken with a grain of salt. You're also way off base in saying that etiquette is what the majority of people would do. Just because a majority believes something doesn't make it right.

Guest list plus one dilema

Re: Guest list plus one dilema

Choose Another Board

Search Boards