Last Name Question

KJeffs · July 2012

I got married a couple weeks ago. I am taking my husband's last name, But I am keeping my deceased husband's last name too so it will stay the same as my kids....so it will be Firstname Kidslastname Newlastname.
My question is, My son got a birthday card with my new last name. I'm not sure why but I am really bugged. My kids are keeping their dad's name..how do I let people know? I don't want to make it a big deal but my son felt really bad.
My kids love my new husband but they love their dad too.

lyndausvi · July 2012

I find that actually very strange. I don't know many people who would think a child from a previous relationship would be changing their name.

Does the person who sent the card know you personally? Or was it a case where the card was from a classmate or something and the one doing the invites just got some bad information?

mmmendi · July 2012

I can't wait to leave my old exH name behind...but I really understand why it is important to keep yours. I think all you can do is make sure you have a clear signature, and depending on the relationship with any person this repeats with - explain you want to make sure that is never an omission. Goid luck! What a bittersweet situation

lauraanne9 · July 2012

I find it odd that the person would send a b-day card to your son with your new last name on it, honestly. But I would just politely mention to them that you are not changing your son's last name. Although I am still trying to figure out how/why that happened.

KJeffs · July 2012

The person and I have been friends since we were 6, so about 33 years. She knows how much I love my husband who died. She saw the last 5 years and what we went through with out him. And she knows my kids are not changing their names...so I am just not sure what to do?

Simply Fated · July 2012

I think it's super weird that they thought the kid would change his last name.
How do you know these people that gave him the card?
You could try something like... "This is K, how are you doing? Oh, that's great! I'm doing good, too. I'm just calling because blah blah blah.... By the way, while I have you on the phone, I guess I should let you know that Little K has decided he is going to keep his father's last name... " And then start talking about something else.

I'm not sure why but I am really bugged.
Because it's a super weird assumption. Why would he be changing his last name? I mean, yeah, his father died, but he's not the one marrying the new guy, you are. Some kids do opt to change their names, but I think it's weird to assume he's going to and just start calling him by his stepfather's name.

ETA: I think I had a reading fail here. I thought you meant that she called your son by his new stepfather's name. I don't know how I got that from your post. Ignore what i posted.

lyndausvi · July 2012

I find that very, very strange.

My MIL changed names after getting remarried. When Mil remarried, DH's dad dis-owned both kids, saying "you have a new dad now". He has not seen his dad since he was 8. Sad I know, but whatever.

My point is, MIL has been called by DH's name, but not the other way around. I think it's pretty presumptuous to think kids would change their name just because their mom got married. Sure it happens, but not something I would assume.

I would definitely say something to her. Not be mean, but "hey just to let you know my son's last name is still X"

lyndausvi · July 2012

Simple _ I think you had it right. Mom remarried, added new husband name to her deceased husband's name. Friend addressed son has her new husband's name.

I agree with a lot of what you said. But I would not say "son decided to keep his name.". There is no reason to think taking his step-dad's name was even up for discussion for him to decide. Unless adoption was on the table the kids names would not be changing just because she got married.

Simply Fated · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_last-name-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5a3f379-9fab-484e-b62f-13eb96f92e88Post:3409b2bb-8277-4977-9f51-aabcaa7c3cb7">Re: Last Name Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Simple _ I think you had it right. Mom remarried, added new husband name to her deceased husband's name. Friend addressed son has her new husband's name. I agree with a lot of what you said. But I would not say "son decided to keep his name.". <strong> There is no reason to think taking his step-dad's name was even up for discussion for him to decide. </strong>Unless adoption was on the table the kids names would not be changing just because she got married.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
I completely agree with the bolded part. My wording is definitely not the best.

KJeffs · July 2012

My husband would adopt the kids, and I think my youngest will want to go by my new name ( he was two when his dad died so he doesn't remember his dad at all, my oldest was twelve and my middle son was seven) So to the older two it is a big deal. I guess I just need to balls up and call her...I just don't want to sound bitchy about it. But it is a big deal to us.
Thanks for all your advice, I wasn't sure if I was just over reacting.
And simply you did get it right

jessicabessica · July 2012

I would casually mention it--thank her for the card, and say that your son still have their dad's last name, even though you added on your new H's last name. You could also mention what your other kids are doing, and acknowledge it's complicated, since it sounds like your youngest may end up adding on the new last name as well. I don't think that would sound insulting or accusatory at all. You could also use it as a teaching moment for your son about things people do that may be unintentional that can hurt nonetheless.

specialk84 · July 2012

SIL has two kids from a previous marriage. When she remarried, she changed her last name to her new husband's last name. Her older two children did not (as there was no reason to do so). Her daughter has the new last name because her dad is the new husband.

H once addressed a birthday card to the middle child with his mother's last name. I caught a glimpse of it as it was being tossed into the mail box at the post office. I was livid. H said he just wasn't thinking, and he doesn't know why he did it. I called his sister and explained that H made a mistake, we knew her son didn't change his name, and we were really sorry.

She appreciated the heads up, and she was able to explain something to her son. We sent a replacement card with the proper name on it. Occasionally, our nephew still teases H about it (oh, you got my name right this time!).

MyUserName1 · July 2012

I would not just mention it casually. If she's that good of a friend, she should know that your son was upset by being addressed by the wrong name. "Friend, I know you didn't mean to be hurtful, but Jimmy was very upset to be addressed with his step-father's name. He loved his father very much, and we never want him to feel like my new husband is replacing his father."

KJeffs · July 2012

Thank you all...I will be calling her today. It helped to have all of your responses before I called, it definitely helped me not be as upset.

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