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Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...

now that we may have to cancel the wedding what is a nice way of letting people know that we've eloped and the wedding will be canceled? I hate to do this because everyone is looking forward to it but this may be the only way at this point (which my fiance I are okay with).

Thanks!

Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...

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    hoffsehoffse member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    If you elope you need to send out announcements to your guests who got invitations that say "the wedding of chanel & justin will not take place as planned."  No explanations necessary, just make sure to get these out ASAP if you need to elope so that people don't book flights.
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    In Response to Re:Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...:[QUOTE]I didn't know what catagorynbsp;to post this to ask for help but I'm in a real pickle! My fiance and I are suppose to be getting married in less than 3 months, September 29th. But yesterday my mother who offered to pay for the whole wedding is now threatening to not pay for any more of the wedding it has nothing to do with budget 2500 under. Although my fiance and I are okay with having a small ceremony and eloping, everyone got their invitations to the wedding yesterday and I feel bad canceling but we are in no way capable of paying for the wedding ourselves... what do we do?!!! If we do decide to elope what is a nice way of telling people that the wedding day has been canceled? Posted by chanelnjustin[/QUOTE]
    Send a postcard "wedding of John and Jane will not proceed on sept 29th as planned".
    What is your moms reasoning for backing out of paying?
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    You call or mail something saying that the wedding and reception have been canceled.
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    Did she say why she is threatening not to pay?  Is it something you guys can come to an agreement on or is it totally non-negotiable?
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    Meegles4Meegles4 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited July 2012
    There's got to be more to the story here and I think that's where you should start. WHY did she rescind her offer? Is she unhappy with some element of the wedding and can you address that? Have her finances suddenly taken a turn and there's nothing that can be done? I think helping us understand the why will help people better advise you.

    If you did decide to elope, you would just send out announcements saying something like "The wedding of Chanel and Justin scheduled for X DATE will not take place as planned. They will be married in a private ceremony."

    Before you go that route though, are there things you can cut down or cut out to make it affordable for you and your FI so you can still have your guests?

    ETA: OR, if you can't afford a wedding (even with cuts) in 3 months, and you didn't want to elope, could you postpone?
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    HockeyFan4HockeyFan4 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited July 2012
    you said she is threatening to not pay for it...not that she isn't going to pay for it.  Before you send out anything to your guests, I think you need to sit with your mom and figure it out.
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    pkontkpkontk member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-mother-stopped-paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f5f6102a-30a6-461d-b63b-f43d82c3cf5bPost:a496ca26-26c1-43d1-8778-a77e6f962538">Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I didn't know what catagory to post this to ask for help but I'm in a real pickle! My fiance and I are suppose to be getting married in less than 3 months, September 29th. But yesterday my mother who offered to pay for the whole wedding is now threatening to not pay for any more of the wedding (it has nothing to do with budget $2500 under). Although my fiance and I are okay with having a small ceremony and eloping, everyone got their invitations to the wedding yesterday and I feel bad canceling but we are in no way capable of paying for the wedding ourselves... what do we do?!!! If we do decide to elope what is a nice way of telling people that the wedding day has been canceled?
    Posted by chanelnjustin[/QUOTE]

    You say threatening, so she has not pulled it yet.  Is there something missing that she wants?  If it is a deal breaker at this point I might just suck it up and listen to her.  Could your FI and you swing the $2500?

    If not, then I agree with PPs you can send cancellation notices and elope, but be sure to do this ASAP as people are likely making travel plans.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-mother-stopped-paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f5f6102a-30a6-461d-b63b-f43d82c3cf5bPost:0d431e31-7978-4a64-955d-52adb2e149f0">Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]you said she is threatening to not pay for it...not that she isn't going to pay for it.  Before you send out anything to your guests, I think you need to sit with your mom and figure it out.
    Posted by HockeyFan4[/QUOTE]

    This is exactly what I was going to say.
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    IAWPP, 

    You need to have a sit down with your mom and discuss why she no longer wants to pay for your wedding.  If you can resolve it or come to some sort of compromise, great.  If not, it's her money and she can spend it how she wishes.  You'll either have to come up with the money yourselves, or cancel your current plans and send out notices that you're postponing/eloping instead.  PPs gave good suggestions for wording.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    my mother is bi-polar and every other day willing to do this or that and then the next day changing her mind about it which I'm sure with you all would be super stressful in the last few months of your wedding not knowing if your having a wedding or not. I HAVE talked to her about this but at the moment we're not speaking so obviously for my fiance and I to be happy (because this is still about us) we are willing to elope.

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    It sounds like this is a pattern of behavior for your mom, so you're going to have to assume there is no money and go from there.

    Is there any possible way for you to still hold the wedding?  Change timing so you can just do cake and punch reception?  Cut the band/DJ if you were having one, not do favors, return things you've already purchased - anything at all?  If you can find a way to still hold it, do it.  If not, you need to either send out cards that it will not take place as planned OR send out cards that the wedding is being postponed, depending on what you choose to do.
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    I'm sorry you're going through that. My sisters bipolar, I get where you're coming from. Is your mom medicated? Is it possible for you to make cuts that would make this wedding affordable for you and your FI? I don't want you to regret canceling the wedding if there's a possibility you can afford something, maybe not quite what you'd planned. If not, send out a postcard to guests letting them know that the wedding has been postponed or that the wedding has been canceled and that toull be eloping. Whichever you go with. Good luck!
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    runpipparunrunpipparun member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited July 2012
    As I posted on the other board, if your mom is truly, clinically bipolar, and not just "moody," then you need to get over this being about your wedding and be more concerned about your mom. However, just "changing her mind" does not signify BP. As someone who is BP II, I find it extremely offensive that you would call your own mother "crazy." It's a serious medical disorder that, when left untreated, has a high rate of mortality (read: death), due to suicide, accidents from risk-taking during hypomanic states, etc. (This is why I can't get insurance, despite the fact that I've been stable for 6 years and run friggin' marathons.) Not to mention the fact that during hypomanic periods, BP sufferers often go on spending sprees with money they don't have, leading to debt that they have to deal with when they crash into depression. Perhaps this factors in to why she keeps changing her mind on the money. Maybe she promised it when she shouldn't have.
    Cancel, elope, and be supportive of your mom. Stop judging her and pressuring her.
    Edited for clarity.
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    andrea2473andrea2473 member
    First Comment
    edited July 2012
    If she has a disorder that is that debilitating and unpredictable, than I'm surprised that you were relying on her financial assistance for the wedding anyway.   My friend's father is BP and he was a huge issue for her during wedding planning and refused to walk her down the aisle at the last minute for no particular reason.   Having dealt with him like this for years, she was hurt, but wasn't surprised and had not involved him with anything that relied completely on him ($).  Knowing how sporadic people with BP can be, I would say that you should move on and not take any more offers to pay for the wedding from your mother even if she changes her mind.  Which, from my limited knowledge of the disorder, she likely will.   I would start planning for what you and your FI can afford.  If that's an elopement, then you need to get those cancellation announcements out ASAP.  Good luck.

    ETA:  My advice and assessment is based on the fact that OP presents her mother as someone who is struggling with her disorder and does not have it under control right now.  I know that people who are BP can function without being 'out of control' as long as they have the proper treatment.  
    I also understand that I have limited knowledge of the subject so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong based on my few experiences. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-mother-stopped-paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f5f6102a-30a6-461d-b63b-f43d82c3cf5bPost:57027dd8-e656-4a9a-a9ab-a85394f7b232">Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]my mother is bi-polar and every other day willing to do this or that and then the next day changing her mind about it which I'm sure with you all would be super stressful in the last few months of your wedding not knowing if your having a wedding or not. I HAVE talked to her about this but at the moment we're not speaking so obviously for my fiance and I to be happy (because this is still about us) we are willing to elope.
    Posted by chanelnjustin[/QUOTE]

    <div>You need to stop "not speaking" and talk to her.  If she comes around, great.  I would get a check this time just so this doesn't happen a week before your wedding.  Sort of like the saying "don't count your chickens before they hatch", you shouldn't depend on funds until you have money in hand.  If she still refuses, go ahead and elope but send out cancellation announcements ASAP before any of your guests make non-refundable travel plans.</div>
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-mother-stopped-paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f5f6102a-30a6-461d-b63b-f43d82c3cf5bPost:617a918c-6deb-4dc7-8216-84e0c04131cd">Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding... : You need to stop "not speaking" and talk to her.  If she comes around, great.  I would get a check this time just so this doesn't happen a week before your wedding.  Sort of like the saying "don't count your chickens before they hatch", you shouldn't depend on funds until you have money in hand.  If she still refuses, go ahead and elope but send out cancellation announcements ASAP before any of your guests make non-refundable travel plans.
    Posted by flutterbride2b[/QUOTE]

    Even if my mother and I were on good terms she wouldn't just out right give me a check for the wedding but thank you for the suggestion.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-mother-stopped-paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f5f6102a-30a6-461d-b63b-f43d82c3cf5bPost:ece840f4-2748-40f7-bb3f-6df9ea655fad">Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds like this is a pattern of behavior for your mom, so you're going to have to assume there is no money and go from there. Is there any possible way for you to still hold the wedding?  Change timing so you can just do cake and punch reception?  Cut the band/DJ if you were having one, not do favors, return things you've already purchased - anything at all?  If you can find a way to still hold it, do it.  If not, you need to either send out cards that it will not take place as planned OR send out cards that the wedding is being postponed, depending on what you choose to do.
    Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

    This exactly.  I am sorry to hear what you are going through.  GL.
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    I would need more from this story. Have the feeling that you are holding some info back.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-mother-stopped-paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f5f6102a-30a6-461d-b63b-f43d82c3cf5bPost:d3bff81c-121e-4057-ad72-abb468ef9fa7">Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding... : Even if my mother and I were on good terms she wouldn't just out right give me a check for the wedding but thank you for the suggestion.
    Posted by chanelnjustin[/QUOTE]

    Then I would start acting like the money doesn't exist and carry on with what you can afford.  
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    You knew about your Mother's illness and you knew how she acted because of her illness so I do not know why you are so surprised that one day she is willing to pay for your wedding and then the next not.

    I would never have accepted her money in the first place knowing that her disease causes her to go back and forth on her decision making. 

    You know your Mother and you know that she has a disease that causes highs and lows and you know how she reacts because of that disease, and even with all this knowledge you still went forward with your decision to use her funds knowing that something like what has occured could happen.

    Either pay for the wedding yourself or do what PP have mentioned and send out announcements stating that the wedding has been canceled and elope.

    But above all, you need to be supportive of your Mom.  She has a illness, she isn't being this way or treating you harshly on purpose.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-mother-stopped-paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f5f6102a-30a6-461d-b63b-f43d82c3cf5bPost:99e2b88b-0a46-4400-b799-d3991f36574b">Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]As I posted on the other board, if your mom is truly, clinically bipolar, and not just "moody," then you need to get over this being about your wedding and be more concerned about your mom. However, just "changing her mind" does not signify BP. As someone who is BP II, I find it extremely offensive that you would call your own mother "crazy." It's a serious medical disorder that, when left untreated, has a high rate of mortality (read: death), due to suicide, accidents from risk-taking during hypomanic states, etc. (This is why I can't get insurance, despite the fact that I've been stable for 6 years and run friggin' marathons.) Not to mention the fact that during hypomanic periods, BP sufferers often go on spending sprees with money they don't have, leading to debt that they have to deal with when they crash into depression. Perhaps this factors in to why she keeps changing her mind on the money. Maybe she promised it when she shouldn't have. Cancel, elope, and be supportive of your mom. Stop judging her and pressuring her. Edited for clarity.
    Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

    This. This this this this this this this. I hate it when people use 'bipolar' as a negative descriptor of a person. Manic depression is a serious condition and throwing it around, using it incorrectly, et cetera is not cool at all. So many of us function normally through medication and lifestyle changes.

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    If your mom is actually bi-polar, do you know if she even has the money to give?  Bi-polars are notorious for being impulsive with money, so unless you know your mom has a large savings or something I would be suspicious about accepting any amount from her.
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    edited July 2012

    Why on earth if you know your mom has a history of going back and forth on decisions or other issues would you count on money from her?

    This is ALWAYS why you should plan the wedding you can afford without help from others. 

    That being said, is your mother getting the help she needs?  You need to be there and patient with her if she truly has issues.

    What are you and your FI contributing money-wise?  I suggest seeing what you can afford and maybe change the time/place and just have a cake and punch reception if it's important to celebrate with these people or getting married on that particular day.  If not, postpone the wedding until you can afford what you want, or elope and send notice ASAP that the wedding plans have changed to those guests you already sent invitations to.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-mother-stopped-paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f5f6102a-30a6-461d-b63b-f43d82c3cf5bPost:ca3a4fed-6973-4d6f-a4d3-95d125f64cb9">Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding... : This. This this this this this this this. I hate it when people use 'bipolar' as a negative descriptor of a person. Manic depression is a serious condition and throwing it around, using it incorrectly, et cetera is not cool at all. <strong>So many of us function normally through medication and lifestyle changes.</strong>
    Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

    <div>:) Thank you.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-mother-stopped-paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f5f6102a-30a6-461d-b63b-f43d82c3cf5bPost:ca3a4fed-6973-4d6f-a4d3-95d125f64cb9">Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding... : This. This this this this this this this. <strong>I hate it when people use 'bipolar' as a negative descriptor of a person.</strong> Manic depression is a serious condition and throwing it around, using it incorrectly, et cetera is not cool at all. <strong>So many of us function normally through medication and lifestyle changes.</strong>
    Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

    <div>I couldn't agree more.</div><div>
    </div><div>And this. </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-mother-stopped-paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f5f6102a-30a6-461d-b63b-f43d82c3cf5bPost:ca3a4fed-6973-4d6f-a4d3-95d125f64cb9">Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! mother stopped paying for the wedding... : This. This this this this this this this.<strong> I hate it when people use 'bipolar' as a negative descriptor of a person. Manic depression is a serious condition and throwing it around, using it incorrectly, et cetera is not cool at all.</strong> So many of us function normally through medication and lifestyle changes.
    Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

    THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!  I get so annoyed when people take the names of disorders and throw them around like adjectives, including retard/retarded (I'm a special educator with an Autistic brother, so I get reallllll annoyed by this one), OCD, and schizophrenic (I know I just butchered that spelling). 

    OP, if your mother has diagnosed bi-polar and either doesn't take medication or isn't on the correct medication to help her, I agree with those who said that you shouldn't have counted on the money in the first place.  In fact, you should never accept money from anyone without having a B-plan (hey, anyone can have unforeseen financial issues!).  I would send out postcards like others have suggested, elope in a beautiful way that you can afford and will have meaning to you and your fiance, then send out wedding announcements to your friends and family.  And support your mom so she gets the help she needs (medication, lifestyle changes, therapy, ect).
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    Ignoring the issues with you and your mother, If you do elope than just make sure you communicate will everyone so that they aren't any hurt feelings.

    My FI was supposed to be the best man in his friends wedding, and they eloped one day without telling him or the rest of the wedding party until after it happened. He was pretty peeved. I think he felt someone left out, I mean, whatever reason they had for eloping would have been fine, but he would have liked to know before hand so he could have been there to support them!

    You might find that some of your friends and family memebers feel the same way, and some of them might want to go down to the courthouse with you or celebrate afterwards.

    Also, like a PP said, I wouldn't send out annoucements blaming your mother, but I think you should be honest about whats going on to the rest of your family members and close friends. Not in a "this is all Mom's fault" way, but if this is related to her Bipolar disorder your family should know in case she needs help.
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    I'm sorry some people on this board seem to be beating you up and judging you for the very painful situation you are in. It can be very difficult and hard to understand mental illness. And sadly, not every case is mangable with medication. It's as serioius as cancer and you, your mother and your family deserve compassion, not judgement.
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