Faux Pas

LuckyAloha · February 2013

So what is the worst breach of wedding etiquette you've ever witnessed/experienced? I can't think of any that I've personally experienced, but a coworker of mine has been talking about the multiple weddings she is going to this year where they not only have a money dance (never heard of that until she told me this), personally ask for all of the guests to "sponsor" x amount of money for their wedding, and bring food/favors/drinks/etc for the reception. She said this is very common in her circle.
I would love to hear any horror stories anybody has, thanks!

(Boring night, FI is studying and my cable isn't working)

mlg78 · February 2013

I think the most COMMON one is adding registry info to invitations. I think the one that makes me cringe the most is a dollar dance or anything similar to that.

AmJam04 · February 2013

Went to a wedding with the dollar dance.

Went to a wedding at dinner time where only food provided was basically lunch meat, cheese, and crackers. And a cash bar. UGH. lol.

But my biggest peave was with FI's cousin's wedding. FI and I had been together for 4 years by then and living together on our own. Cousin sent invitation to FI's MOTHER, and didn't invite me. Keep in mind he'd have to travel across the country for the wedding....
Needless to say, he didn't go, and I'm still bitter about it.

AJuliaNJ · February 2013

The dollar dance is tricky, etiquette-wise. In many cultures this is a tradition. Because of this, the guests at a Polish (or other culture that does this) wedding typically expect and enjoy it. However, out of context, like if a bride and groom just adopted it for the sake of getting money and for no cultural reason, it would be rude.

AJuliaNJ · February 2013

I was once in the bridal party and showed up to see all the other bridesmaids (the bride's family members) getting their hair and makeup done. I was not invited to have mine done. I just felt so insulted by this. I did my own hair and makeup and looked like crap next to these girls who had their hair and makeup professionally done.

beardownbchs · February 2013

I'm not awake at night over it, but a few months ago I was invited to my cousin's wedding. I had been with my FI for 5 years, living together for 3 years and engaged for a few months. He was not invited. The invite had their honeymoon registry info on it and "adults only reception" right there on the front of it. There were probably 40 + kids at the reception. The wedding was on a Sunday (a FOOTBALL Sunday) and had a 3 hour gap. I left at 10:15 and they still hadn't even cut the cake.

harper0813 · February 2013

I was a personal attendant at my friend's wedding, thinking it might be fun. But it wasn't, and I work up very early on the morning of the wedding to run errands and did my hair and makeup in a gas station bathroom. And then. months later, I found out that I was not invited to the rehearsal dinner, while the bride and groom's entire extended family was. That hurt.

beardownbchs · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_faux-pas-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05ed24f2-d197-46a8-98bf-d1ca611481f6Post:0280e0b5-1c75-41e9-8fac-a3e5b8ed4f08">Re: Faux Pas</a>:
[QUOTE]I was once in the bridal party and showed up to see all the other bridesmaids (the bride's family members) getting their hair and makeup done. I was not invited to have mine done. I just felt so insulted by this. I did my own hair and makeup and looked like crap next to these girls who had their hair and makeup professionally done.
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>LOL I'm pissed for the opposite reason. I was a BM in my brother's wedding and bride had been saying for months that her friend was doing our hair and makeup and our friend would help. Week of, she emails us and says that she can't afford to pay for it so we need to have $60. I emailed her back (after calling my friend who was going to help and my friend said she'd do my hair for free) and said I couldn't afford it and friend would do my hair. Bride insisted that she wanted her friend to do everyone's hair and that we'd "figure it out" day of, she looked right at me when she said she needed everyone's money. I knew this would happen so I paid it, but took the check out of the card I gave them. THEN another bridesmaid showed up an hour before the ceremony - hair and makeup done elsewhere. I was livid. </div>

LuckyAloha · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_faux-pas-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:05ed24f2-d197-46a8-98bf-d1ca611481f6Post:fb1cdfd7-b430-4977-a6a2-bd37da70eaaf">Re: Faux Pas</a>:
[QUOTE]The dollar dance is tricky, etiquette-wise. In many cultures this is a tradition. Because of this, the guests at a Polish (or other culture that does this) wedding typically expect and enjoy it. However, out of context, like if a bride and groom just adopted it for the sake of getting money and for no cultural reason, it would be rude.
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]
That's what my coworker said, and she said they all have fun doing it. I just had never heard of it and was a little surprised.

Xstatic3333 · February 2013

The worst for me has been when there are not enough seats. I went to one wedding that had formal-ish invitations, so I wore a cocktail dress and heels. It ended up being casual cocktail-style, with passed aps and seats for about 1/3 of the people at a time. All the older guests plunked themselves down and didn't move (not that they should have to). I was most frustrated that the bride and groom's best friends seemed to know it was going to be this way, and were all wearing flip flops.

Later that summer, I went to a wedding that had plenty of seating EXCEPT for the cocktail hour. I probably wouldn't have thought anything of it except that my parents were also in attendance. My mom had an arthritis flareup, they both were very grouchy for the rest of the night, and they will never remember that event fondly even though it followed all other etiquette rules properly. When we picked my venue, plenty of seating for all portions of the evening was our one deal-breaker.

Jen4948 · February 2013

At my cousin's wedding (he was the groom) his mother walked back up the aisle at the close of the ceremony talking on her cell phone.

Jen4948 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_faux-pas-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05ed24f2-d197-46a8-98bf-d1ca611481f6Post:95d797e8-97b7-451d-b5cc-52175b36d0de">Re: Faux Pas</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the most COMMON one is adding registry info to invitations. I think the one that makes me cringe the most is a dollar dance or anything similar to that.
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

I agree, but I'd add cash bars to this list.

walgrrl · February 2013

Well, I went to two weddings last year.

The first one was in May. We got an invitation to their engagement party which came from the couple (instead of someone else hosting) and included their registry information right on the invitation. Then, at the bridal shower, they had us write out our own addresses on the thank you card envelopes. When the wedding invitation came, it said "Adult-only reception." Also, my entire family was invited except for my brother: myself and my fiance, my sister and her boyfriend, both of my parents, but not my brother. This isn't a case where the couple didn't know him. They know him and my sister equally well. I'm not sure if this is an actual breach of etiquette, but my parents were so pissed that they didn't attend the wedding. I thought it was very weird and my brother's feelings were definitely hurt.

The second one was in October. I attended her shower in July and just got a thank-you note in January. (I guess it's better late than never.) Never got a thank you note from the actual wedding.

LuckyAloha · February 2013

I'm sorry, these just all sound horrible!! The mom talking on the cell phone reminded me though...at my uncle's wedding everybody had drinks during the ceremony which I thought made it wonderful and laid back, but during the vows the mothers were whispering loudly and then laughing really drunk...and then one of them dropped a glass which broke and wine got all over the place.

Sassenach1743 · February 2013

1) My first cousin didn't invite me to his wedding. Instead he sent one invitation addressed only to my mother to the apartment we shared! Of course I saw the invitation! I was 25 at the time and figured I'd receive my own invitation. I didn't. My mom's invitation did not have a guest added either.

When my mom called my aunt to find out why I wasn't invited she was livid, because she gave my contact info with my mom's to her son. He played dumb. LAME.

2) I received a save the date for my friend's wedding. When I realized, months later, that I'd never received an invitation and the date was in 2 weeks I called to inquire. He apologized and said they had to cut their guest list to stay in budget. Gee, thanks for calling!

walgrrl · February 2013

Oh, I forgot one! This happened years ago, so it's ancient history, but it's still a good one.

This girl was my best friend all through middle school and high school, but we had a falling out when we were about 19 or 20 and completely stopped speaking. When we were 22 she got married. At that point, we still weren't speaking, so even though I'd heard it through the grapevine that she was engaged, I wasn't at all surprised that I didn't receive an invitation.

Imagine my surprise when one of her friends (who I never liked and who had been hostile toward me in the past) called me up and told me the friend wanted me to come to the wedding. (I can't recall for sure, but I think it was only about a week or two before the wedding.) She told me when and where it was, I said I'd think about it, and then I hung up. For about a split second I considered it, then I came to my senses and thought:

a) if she wanted me to come that bad, she could have sent me an actual paper invitation! I was still living with my parents at that time, she knew my address!

b) if she really wanted to be rude enough to invite me verbally instead of with a real invitation, she could have at least called me herself

c) if she was too much of a coward to call me herself, she could have at least had someone make the phone call that was not someone I hated!

That's three strikes, you're out! We've since patched things up, but I still don't regret not going because I think the way I was invited was beyond rude. I felt like I was B-listed times 1000!

Chloeagh · February 2013

Mine was definitely FI's second cousin's wedding.

First, invitation was addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. FI's Parents and family." FI was 21, we had been together over 3 years, and his sister (who didn't receive her own invitation either) was 25 and living on her own. Then the wedding was outside in July and it started 15 minutes late. We were all bused over there and the buses arrive early, so we were standing in the 90 degree weather for over half an hour before the wedding even started. Then after the wedding (and the receiving line that happened outside AFTER the bride bustled her dress), we all got back on the buses. But, oh wait, the bus we were on was for the WP, so we all had to get off and move to different buses with poor air conditioning. At this point, I'm dehydrated, but I don't want to miss the bus leaving. Well, I could have gone and found water because the buses didn't leave for another 20 minutes. We get there, and during the hour and a half long cocktail hour, there is a full bar displayed, but only one beer hosted (and I hate beer). There were 3 apps that weren't available for the whole time, all consisting of foods I don't eat. There was not seating for everybody, so we squated on cement walls and stairs. Dinner was fine, but there was no dancing (even though I really wanted to) because all the kids were on the dance floor and everyone was just watching. Then the groom took the garter off with his teeth. (those last two things aren't etiquette issues, they just bother me)

AJuliaNJ · February 2013

I have one that I unfortunately was part of. We were at a wedding where most guests us included were from out of town. FI's college friends and we all chipped in for a taxi van to get to the ceremony from our hotel. His friend's gf was taking forever getting ready and then they got in a fight. Long story short we end up showing up to the ceremony as the bride is about to walk down the aisle. There were about 10 of us. I was so embarrassed for us. Most of us knew to hang out towards the side but 2 of the girls including the one who held us up proceeded to climb over guests to get seats. If I knew any of these people I would have freaked out and made the taxi leave without them or had our hotel call me my own cab.

daria24 · February 2013

Two of my college friends had a DW in Costa Rica. They invited over 300 people, thinking most would decline. Well 275 booked 5 days at the resort and the reception room only held 150. Over 100 people traveled all the way to CR to get no seat and no food. Family got the food first, so my group of friends ended up sharing one plate of food between 8 people. Never forgave them.

emilykathleen511 · February 2013

Definitely a friend's wedding about a year and a half ago.

First the invitation said "adults only reception." This was after she had publicly asked for advice about this issue on Facebook. I private messaged her and let her know that it is perfectly fine to have a child-free wedding, but to make sure she just addresses the invitations to only the people invited and not to put "adults only reception" on the invitation. Well, I'm so glad I took the time to answer your open solicitation for advice.

Then, their website had a full page about the honeymoon fund they were soliciting for, complete with all the activities they were planning to do on the trip. Then, at the bottom of the page, they made a note saying how they understand that some people would rather give traditional gifts, so they made a registry at Sear's too (oh, how thoughtful).

At the wedding ceremony (in the bride's back yard), they only had chairs for about 1/3 to 1/2 the guests, which they planned for by putting reserved for "guest's name" signs on every chair so that their VIPs and the elderly would have a seat. I stood at the back in heels. The ceremony started about 20 minutes late and seemed kind of disorganized. The pastor rambled quite a bit.

Next there was about an hour and a half long gap before the reception started. I ended up going to Applebee's for appetizers with some mutual friends of the bride. They were all just as put off by the standing at the back and the gap as I was.

When we finally were able to go in to the reception, things were still seeming to move quite disorganized and running late. Cash bar. I didn't stay long past dinner.

I really can't look at the bride the same way anymore.

cfreesquared · February 2013

I was the maid of honor in my best friends wedding but she didnt feel it nessecary to invite my fiance.

StephJean83 · February 2013

The wedding hasn't happened as of yet but a girl I know keeps posting on FB every detail of her upcoming wedding. She asked for ideas of venues, which is NBD, helps get ideas outside of hotels and KC halls. Once they picked a date, she posted a FB "Save The Date. We're getting married XXXXXXXX!" Some relatives started in on her how horrible her date is and she should reconsider, apparently a decent wedding can only happen in April. Both the BG tell everyone who asks if they are invited, they definately are invited. I cringe every time I see her post something WR, and feel bad when she realizes how hard it will be to include all 400 people on FB.

StephJean83 · February 2013

Years ago my cousin got married and my aunt called my mom a week or so before the wedding and uninvited my family. Apparently, my parents and 3 kids would be too many people and she needed the space for some coworkers of hers. I found out years later my aunt uninvited us because she over invited and lied to the couple that we called her and declined. We weren't the only people uninvited, she called her exH and told him to uninvite all of his DW's family and as many of his relatives as he thought he could.

tiny speck · February 2013

1. A family friend and neighbour who babysat me and my sisters when we were all younger got married about 6 or 7 years ago. We were still in touch, and our family knew she was getting married, but evidently we weren't invited. Ok fine. Then a couple days before her shower her mom calls up my mom and invites us to the shower (my mom, me, and my three sisters), which my mom insisted we go to. Most boring few hours of my life, sitting on a couch with my family all in a row, watching her open presents and chat with much closer friends and family members. Still weren't invited to the wedding.

2. My mom remarried a few years back and didn't give invitations to her own children. It's not like I wanted a piece of paper for sentimental reasons... we were expected to be there, but I had to keep asking her where and when the wedding and reception would be. My sisters and I only made it to the reception because I was able to follow another guest driving from the ceremony. Thanks mom.

efmcc67 · February 2013

I'm going to go along with adding adult children to an invite. One of my cousins included me on my mother's invite when I was 27 and living 500 miles away. They also didn't include my fiance on the invitation, even though we'd been together for seven years. Being treated at as a child when you're an adult is hurtful. Just spring for the extra invite.

StephJean83 · February 2013

In Response to Re:Faux Pas:[QUOTE]2. My mom remarried a few years back and didn't give invitations to her own children. It's not like I wanted a piece of paper for sentimental reasons... we were expected to be there, but I had to keep asking her where and when the wedding and reception would be. My sisters and I only made it to the reception because I was able to follow another guest driving from the ceremony. Thanks mom. Posted by tiny speck[/QUOTE]

When my brother got remarried only the bride's guest received invites. My parents had to call everyone they wanted at the wedding to let them know when and where, including my sister, BIL and myself. I was expected to make most of the food for it with my mom. Since I made most of the sides for dinner, my dad roasted a pig for the entree, I gave them a card but no gift/cash, and the bride b!tched to her family how horrible I am for now spending MORE money on them. I was doing a happy dance the day their divorce was finalized!

Jen4948 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_faux-pas-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05ed24f2-d197-46a8-98bf-d1ca611481f6Post:d699969e-e992-49b3-82f9-cfaf5cac0446">Re: Faux Pas</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Faux Pas : Who the heck was she talking to? "Oh hey, what's up? Am I busy? No, Paul just got married! Yeah, like 5 seconds ago! We're formally processing out now. So, how are Dave and the kids?"
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

I don't know.

thejucheidea · February 2013

My younger sister missed her first weekend at college in Colorado because she was attending my cousin's wedding. When she got to the hotel in Annapolis, she wanted to go see our female cousin who was in the bridal party. She went to the suite where the bride and bridesmaids were getting dressed so she could see her and give her a hug, and the bride's response was to bodyslam my little sister and shove her out of the door because she was incensed that anyone but the bridal party would see her in her dress prior to the wedding. She made my sister cry.

The night before, we went to the rehearsal dinner, and when it came time for speeches, the bride had my cousin's step-grandmother introduce herself as his grandmother and go on and on about him but did not give our grandmother a chance to speak. This was hard for our biological grandmother because she and my grandfather raised him.

We were also never introduced to any member of her family, and at the reception, they completely separated the two families on opposite sides of the dance floor.

Summer2011Bride · February 2013

Honeymoon Tip jar set out on the gift table. Yuck.

Kate61487 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_faux-pas-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:05ed24f2-d197-46a8-98bf-d1ca611481f6Post:b567ae3c-3147-439d-95c0-ad0eb92def3a">Re: Faux Pas</a>:
[QUOTE]1) My first cousin didn't invite me to his wedding. Instead he sent one invitation addressed only to my mother to the apartment we shared! Of course I saw the invitation! I was 25 at the time and figured I'd receive my own invitation. I didn't. My mom's invitation did not have a guest added either. When my mom called my aunt to find out why I wasn't invited she was livid, because she gave my contact info with my mom's to her son. He played dumb. LAME.
Posted by brita722[/QUOTE]

This really isn't a breach of etiquetteor even a faux pas. Your cousin wasn't required to invite you and he did what was proper to invite his aunt. Unless he or the bride implied directly to you in some way that they were inviting you it was YOU who was rude for calling your aunt to demand where your invitation was. Your aunt may have been fully aware that you didn't make the guest list and just felt uncomfortable being called out and so shifted blame to her son.

Kate61487 · February 2013

I've seen my fair share of registry info on invitations and cash bars. Worse yet was one I went to with hosted beer but cash bar for the rest with no indication of the situation; so after our friends got their free beer I went up to get a cocktail with no money and was stuck frantically flagging H (then BF) across the room to bring me cash for the already-made drink sitting in front of me.

I also attended one last winter with a FOUR hour gap. There was no indication of the gap on the invitation; it actually just said "reception to follow". We didn't find out about the gap until we were AT the ceremony; the back of the programs had the start time and address of the reception. We were OOT, but in my home town so we went to my parents' house for the gap. If we'd been OOT in an unfamiliar area I have no idea what we would have done.

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