Just needing to vent...sorry it's long

MistyLou23 · August 2010

I just needed to vent....I'm sorry.

Okay the story...so my mom and sister have hated my FI since day one, even before they met him they hated him. My mom and I , at the time that me and my FI started talking, we a little closer than we are now. My mom and sister have just had negative attitudes about my relationship with him the whole 2 years that we have been together. They have treated him like crap. He lives in Georgia so when we first started dating we would swap out every weekend him coming here and I going there...but now I'm always trying to go there just to get away from them because I know when he comes here...how they will act. Every time he is here they will lock themselves in their bedrooms until he leaves and then they will come out.

My mother and I have never really had that mother-daughter relationship that most mothers and daughters do. The past 2 years my mother has become someone whom I feel that I do not even know anymore. I have 2 children and she doesn't want to spend any time with them knowing that they'll be leaving next year.

Well, this week has got me thinking about my mom and sister and my wedding and I've almost made up my mind to tell them that they really do not have to come to the wedding if they do not want to. They think it is just a big joke. I overheard them talking about me last night and laughing about how I'm getting married...I do not need that in my life...what kind of family does that crap?! I am really afraid that my mom and sister are going to try to get me all upset on my special day. My mom's attitude is everything has to be about her...and if it's not then she will make it about her and all attention needs to be on her.

christinelyn0131 · August 2010

Well, they're not very nice people!

I don't think you should tell them they don't have to come. I do think you should consider treating them as guests, and not as mom and sissy. Think of them as your Aunt Faith, who you don't like but have to invite anyways.

I would stop including them in your wedding plans. If you need advice/a shoulder to lean on, you've got knotties!

IF YOU LOVE HIM, IF YOU CAN SPEND FOREVER WITH HIM, MARRY HIM. F/uck your mom and sister.

Pardon my french.

Don't say "you don't have to come" because there's a good chance they might not come, and that might be worse than dealing with their attendance.

I hope this helps!

MistyLou23 · August 2010

Thanks for the advice!

I actually haven't had to worry about them with the planning of the wedding. When I told my mom I got engaged, her first reaction was, "Does that mean that I have to help pay for it?!" So, needless to say my mom and sister haven't been included in any of the planning details...all they know is when it is and where.

That is very true...having them not show up probably would be a whole lot worse than dealing with them actually showing up.

christinelyn0131 · August 2010

Psht. Well, screw her.

I would hope you'd decide to not invite your sis to be a bridesmaid, and don't have your mom enter as an honored guest (i.e. during the processional)

We're totally here if you need to vent, so please let out the frustration.

I worry that if you say "you don't have to come", they'll say "I'm not coming" and that might be really depressing.

Invite them. Hope they bring a gift. Treat them as a distant guest.

Let us know if you need anything!

MairePoppy · August 2010

You should sit down with your mom and have a talk. Ask her why she disapproves of your fiance and really listen to what she tells you. Consider whether her opinion is valid in any way. Let her know that her emotional support is important to you.

It sounds like you are still living in your mom's home, along with your 2 children. If your fiance is staying there on alternate weekends, that is a huge imposition for your mom and sister. Your fiance should be trying to show what a nice guy he is by: contributing to the meals, picking up after himself, helping you with the children and being sociable and polite to your family. He should also take you and the children out for family friendly dates, don't leave the kids for grandma to watch. If he is consistently helpful, your mom may change her opinion about him.

ReneeJacob · August 2010

Why don't they like your FI?

MistyLou23 · August 2010

Christine - thanks...I've been contimplating on putting this post up for a couple of days and am now glad that I did.

MariePoppy - when he comes up here to visit he just comes for the day. He has helped out around the house many times. He has helped with the yard work, does little odds and ends jobs that my mom needs done, and has helped with cooking dinner and cleaning up. He is always trying to be polite and talk to them but everytime they give me snotty attitude replies. And when he is here, he too has 2 kids, so we all go out together...don't really like leaving my kids at home with my mom and sister when I don't have to.

ReneeJacob - ha! I have asked myself this question many, many times. He is a very good man. He has two kids...which HE has custody of, has a great job, has a house of his own, his own vehicle, a good Christian man...I mean I think most mothers would LOVE for their daughter to be getting married to someone like him. When me and him first started dating, I remember asking my mom why she didn't like him...she couldn't give me a good, justified reason as to why she doesn't like him...she jsut doesn't like him. That's just the way she is though...she's NEVER liked anyone that I had ever dated, so I'm kinda used to it...but it would just be nice to have some type of relationship with her. It's to the point now that I might say 2 or 3 sentences to her a week.

ReneeJacob · August 2010

Ugh, sorry to hear that. He sounds like a great guy - your mom sounds a tad wacky. Sorry youre dealing with this!

christinelyn0131 · August 2010

I agree with Renee. Maybe she's whacked.

MistyLou23 · August 2010

LOL...I have to laugh at that because that is EXACTLY what he says. He swears I was swapped at birth and there is NO WAY she can be my mother...LOL.

christinelyn0131 · August 2010

Hey....it happens!

I read this book once that said "the courteous learn to be courteous from the discourteous."

So rest assured, you are not crazy. She might very well be. You seem like a good person. HE seems like an excellent person. Learn from her mistakes

ps- I totally understand the hesitation to post on here.

MistyLou23 · August 2010

Thank you so much for the advice and for letting me vent!

MairePoppy · August 2010

He really does sound like a great guy! It's too bad that your mom can't see it.

I think your best option is to move out, really.If your mom has always been that way, she isn't going to change now. It must be awful for all of you to be living together, when you can't even have a conversation. Once you have your own place, you won't have to tolerate the negative behaviour.

If you want to have some kind of relationship with your mother, don't exclude her from the wedding. You'll never be able to undo that deed.

MistyLou23 · August 2010

I've thought about moving out and everything that goes along with that...the only thing that really scares me is that I am not completely financially able to move out, which is the only main reason I still live with her. I don't think that my paycheck could cover all the finances involved with having my own place plus all my other bills that I already have.

As for my relationship with my mother...I'd love to have some kind of relationship with her but at this point I think that relationship flew out the window 10 years ago when she started calling me a whore. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that she doesn't want to be involved with the wedding or anything like that...she hasn't said anything to me about or anything...and didn't even ask to see my ring until 2 days afterwards...it's okay though. I just have this feeling that when I get married and move to Georgia that that will be it. My sister has already made the comment about not coming to any of the kid's birthdays...joking or not...I don't think that is something she should have said in front of the kids. I'm just rambling on..sorry.

christinelyn0131 · August 2010

Don't apologize. Your situation SUCKS!

When you move to Georgia, you'll be starting over COMPLETELY. And it's a wonderful place; I grew up there and am so happy for that

If your mom and your sister don't want to be in your life, forget them. If the time you have to live with them teaches you anything, let it teach you that you don't need them in your life.

MistyLou23 · August 2010

AMEN girl!!!!!!!!!! I totally love that advice! And I am truly learning that every day that I live in that house. Not only is Georgia a wonderful place...I'll be with the man I love and all our wild children...I can't wait. I will be absolutely craziness in that house with all 4 of the kids but I can not wait....sounds crazy...but I honestly can't. Now I'm all excited again...thank you soooo much. I have honestly been so down with the whole mom and sister thing that I have let it get the best of me...but now I'm back on track! Thank you!!!!!

christinelyn0131 · August 2010

That's what we're here for!!

kikibaby · August 2010

If you have 2 kids and still live with your mom, you should have higher priorities than a relationship.

christinelyn0131 · August 2010

Kiki, I really think that that was uncalled for.

Two kids are expensive, and a lot of places in Alabama aren't cheap, despite stereotypes. Also, have you ever tried to pay for a wedding in Georgia? Not. Cheap. Either.

You don't know her financial situation, her priorities, or her issues. I know PLENTY of people who move out, and end up moving back. It's not a kiss of death. If she thinks that she should marry this man, then who cares if she lives with her mom?

What if she moved in when her mom had cancer? What if she moved in because SHE had cancer? Is that the same?

Okay, sorry for the rant, but I think it was uncalled for...

ashley1721 · August 2010

wow, im sorry you have to deal with that.
I would sit them down and ask what their issue with you FI is. Then I would tell them that you LOVE him and you are marrying him and you would love their support but either way you are going to marry him. Then I agree with still inviting them as guests only, like you said you dont want them bringing you down on the big day, so make your room bridal party only.
My family did not like my FI when we first started dating but after a while they finally warmed up to him. I hope they end up supporting you and see that what matters is that you are happy.

MistyLou23 · August 2010

Thank you for that Christine!

Ashley - Thank you. I'm not even sure how to start a conversation like that with them...my family is messed up and I've never been to were I feel comfortable talking to them. I've had stuff happen to me in my life that I didn't feel like I could talk to my mother or anyone else...and now it's all coming back to get me. I'm just afraid that no matter how hard I try to reach out to either of them, that whatever type of family thing there was is gone. Sometimes I just feel like I live with two roommates, not family memebers...I dunno. I'll try to talk to them and then if that doesn't work, then oh well, I'm going to be marrying into a great family so I guess it will all work out. Thanks for the advice!

Just needing to vent...sorry it's long

Re: Just needing to vent...sorry it's long

Choose Another Board

Search Boards