WWYD? Hiding something from FI (vent sorta, long...sorry)

happe2gether · September 2011

OK so let me first say it isn't THAT BAD!! I promise! But I am having an issue with the decision I think FI wants to make about our cocktail hour/reception. In a nutshell, FI is an non-drinker - nothing at all, never! I, on the other hand, am a social drinker. So when it comes to the bar for the cocktail hour I believe we should at least provide some type of alcohol. FI's mom was/is onboard with me but now kind of wavering. His parents have offered to gift us some money for this specifically but I think they are going to pull back now. My FMIL is now saying that since the wedding is on a Sunday, people probably won't drink that much. Plus on a side note the cake maker told us at the tasting that people tend to eat less cake when alcohol is involved (IDK about that) so FI has hinted at cutting back on alcohol because of this all.  BUT here's the thing - our wedding is on a Sunday, YES but it's LABOR DAY weekend!! AND folks are planning vacations around this wedding since we are having a DW.

I am having issues with FI's stance and think I might just funnel this into our costs and pay for what I think is right for us to provide. I know that could be wrong but I'm not down for just beer and wine. Plus I think FI is forgetting that the cocktail hour bar tab will include bottled water, sodas, EVERYTHING. On a side note I think I feel this way because one of FI's cousin's got married this past weekend, another cousin who attended the wedding will be a bridesmaid in my wedding. This cousin told me that at the wedding they had a limited bar and some other family members went acroos the street from the venue to a liquor store and bought a little somethin somethin. I do not condone that nor do I really want folks to be doing it either.  From what I'm hearing, his family is REALLY looking forward to our wedding and plan on partying hard. I'm not trying to get people sloppy drunk but I really feel like we should do something.

So what do you ladies think?? Am I really that wrong? This is really the only thing we have struggled with so far. I'm ready to pay the venue so we can knock our bill down.

My head hurts! Wedding Planning (smacking forehead)!!!

Carla1019 · September 2011

I agree with you and I'm in a similar situation. FI does not drink and I do.

Depending on how strong your FI feelings are about this I would consider just having the beer/wine and maybe two signature drinks. One dark liquor and one clear liquor. I'm sure your guests will have a blast. This is one of those things that you don't want to make your FI feel resentful about. Put the money saved into something else.

faithlady · September 2011

Hmmm...I really don't think you NEED to hide this from him. If you explain it to him (not that you haven't tried, but sometimes communication requires several tries before sticking) the way you have explained it to us while showing that including a signature drink or one cocktail won't hurt the budget (beer, wine, one cocktail may be a good compromise)

My issue is reversed, FI and his family are big drinkers and have never been to a dry wedding. I on the other hand as a PK am very used to dry weddings and they don't bother me. I wanted a limited bar, FI wants a full. He's wavering a bit now that he sees the cost of providing that lol. At any rate, we are still discussing it but doing it as sort of a give and take type thing. It is a long process but further discussion continues to shed light on WHY each of us want what we want and that makes it easier to come to some sort of agreement so each person feels satisfied.

HTH!

2010Bride2be · September 2011

Definitely don't hide if from your Fi. You need to explain your feelings to him just as you explained it to us here. As with anything in marriage, there has to be a compromise here. I'm sure if you told him he absolutely could not have something that he wanted at the wedding, he'd have a fit. So for him not to have alcohol at the reception just because he doesn't drink is kind of selfish on his part.

Also, the fact that your wedding is on a Sunday doesn't mean people won't drink. Especially since it's Labor Day weekend. Trust me, they will party, they will drink, regardless of the day of the week.

happe2gether · September 2011

Thank you ladies!! I will try to discuss this from another perspective. I DO NOT like the idea of hiding anytihng from him. I'm just feeling like we should have some middle ground on this. I know cost is a big factor and I know our budget doesn't provide for a full open tab but I also know I would be disappointed to just provide beer and wine. We would also be charged per bottle fees for the wine so that would seem pointless for me because we wouldn't get the full bang for our buck.

TBD with the FI I guess. Lord knows I see his side but IDK if I understand.

mikimoto6 · September 2011

I agree that you should not hide that cost from him. His feelings will be hurt about that and it could create a larger issue. My FI doesn't drink at all and I am a social drinker. Our venue only allows beer and wine (park space) but thankfully FI was always on board about hosting the soft bar. Our signature drink is non-alcoholic (pineapple juice and ginger ale) but we are serving beer and wine all night.

I wanted to spend more on the flowers than him. I told my BFF and florist that I would just pay for the extras above what we budgeted and she said no to that. She has been married for 10 and said she would not assist me in hiding costs from him. I thought she would be on my side given we been friends for 25 years. She said that could cause a bigger issue later and that she did not advocate. From that point on, I started discussing any and all budget modifications with FI. It is not easy because he is an accountant by profession so he doesn't always get why these little things are necessary.

djscat · September 2011

Maybe a good compromise could be an open bar during the cocktail hour but after the cocktail hour it is a cash bar. I have been to quite a few wedding where this is the way they did it. It works well. Easier on the budget for you and FI.

FI and I had our first big agreement over the bar. He was dead set against an open bar because of the cost. Also because he is a police officer he didn't want to be responsible for serving drinks to folks who would drive after. His family does not drink. My family DRANKS! LOL In the end we talked it out and I gave in on this so I could get something else I wanted in the wedding. Looking back on it now I am glad we are doing a cash bar. It really wasn't in the budget but folks will still be able to drink or not. Its up to them. We are providing champagne and apple cider for the toast. I know that this isn't the popular way to do things but it works for us.

The most important thing is that you talk it out with FI until you come to a resolution you both can live with. Welcome to married life. LOL

daniandron · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_wwyd-hiding-something-fi-vent-sorta-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:4314c92e-ab63-4cc5-90f2-77b5e95681a7Post:5c97fa09-9e48-4a43-ad12-209a03bc3c36">Re: WWYD? Hiding something from FI (vent sorta, long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that you should not hide that cost from him. His feelings will be hurt about that and it could create a larger issue. My FI doesn't drink at all and I am a social drinker. Our venue only allows beer and wine (park space) but thankfully FI was always on board about hosting the soft bar. Our signature drink is non-alcoholic (pineapple juice and ginger ale) but we are serving beer and wine all night. I wanted to spend more on the flowers than him. I<strong> told my BFF and florist that I would just pay for the extras above what we budgeted and she said no to that. She has been married for 10 and said she would not assist me in hiding costs from him.</strong> I thought she would be on my side given we been friends for 25 years. She said that could cause a bigger issue later and that she did not advocate. From that point on, I started discussing any and all budget modifications with FI. It is not easy because he is an accountant by profession so he doesn't always get why these little things are necessary. :)
Posted by mikimoto6[/QUOTE]

I don't normally post, but I must say this made me smile. I genuinely appreciate when our married friends give advice that will benefit the couple, and not just him or me, regardless of who they're closest to.

WWYD? Hiding something from FI (vent sorta, long...sorry)

Re: WWYD? Hiding something from FI (vent sorta, long...sorry)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards