Bridesmaid's child at wedding

wowand135 · January 2012

One of my bridesmaids has a 4 month old baby. She will be a year old by the time of the wedding. BM already knows I am not inviting kids. She just replied to my online save the date email with this:

Hi! So I will be bringing someone with me, just not sure yet so it will be BM and guest . Also, I will have Baby with me, I know you dont want kids there but.... Whoever I have with me can be with her until the ceremony is over, things may change but as for now thats how it will have to be. I'll make sure she isnt the kid that ruins your wedding!!! haha!

What am I supposed to say?! I cannot tell my family no kids and allow hers to come! BM is a single mom with dad not in the picture, and not financially well off. I feel sooo bad but don't know what to do! Help!

dumdumfroggie · January 2012

Honestly, though you're ok in not having children, since she is going to be with you for the entire day for the wedding (or nearly the entire day), I don't think it's fair to have her separated from her child the entire day.

I'd let her bring the baby.

Girlie1030 · January 2012

So a girl that you're close enough to that you have her standing up with you at your wedding, you won't make an exception for?

chumlee7478 · January 2012

She's a member of the bridal party, so you can make an exception. We ran into the same issue with a groomsman. Either the kid comes, or we lose a groomsman. It's not a deal breaker for us. I'd be fine inviting her, you're doing the right thing. Bridal party members are an exception to the rule.

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

Personally I think I would be okay with making an exception - you could always say that you decided to only allow children of the bridal party and no one else (assuming the rest of the bridal party either doesn't have children or is allowed to bring them if they do have them).

ETA: I do agree with Duds though that BM was rude for approaching the situation this way.

monkeysip · January 2012

I'm not saying you HAVE to, but it would reasonable to allow an exception for the wedding party members.

What I mean is that if you let her bring her baby, you can just tell any critics that no children were allowed except for the bridal party. People usually understand exceptions like that.

But it's your choice.

Simply Fated · January 2012

She might not feel comfortable leaving her 1 year old with a sitter for what ever reason.

You have a choice. You can tell her, sorry, but the baby can't come and risk your friend not coming. Or you can allow 1 year olds and under to attend. Most mothers might thank you for that.
It's up to you, but just think through the consequences carefully.

daveANDkristen · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-child-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:06febb9e-dcab-4133-a467-708bf2eec787Post:dea2f058-bfa3-47cf-9e24-18ca4635fe79">Bridesmaid's child at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids has a 4 month old baby. She will be a year old by the time of the wedding. BM already knows I am not inviting kids. She just replied to my online save the date email with this: Hi! So I will be bringing someone with me, just not sure yet so it will be BM and guest . Also, I will have Baby with me, I know you dont want kids there but.... Whoever I have with me can be with her until the ceremony is over, things may change but as for now thats how it will have to be. I'll make sure she isnt the kid that ruins your wedding!!! haha! <strong>What am I supposed to say?! I cannot tell my family no kids and allow hers to come! BM is a single mom with dad not in the picture, and not financially well off.</strong> I feel sooo bad but don't know what to do! Help!
Posted by wowand135[/QUOTE]

Then what is she supposed to do with her child all day? Typically children of the WP are an exception. So I think it is still appropriate if hers is the only child there. Some of your guests might be ticked if they had to leave their kids at home and she didn't, but they'll get over it.

achiduck · January 2012

I'd just let it go and let her bring the child.

wowand135 · January 2012

I agree with making an exception for her, but I'm just really worried about my family's reaction. Like why would she be more important than my family? There are some young kids in the family that would not be invited... still think an exception just for her would be ok? (Also she initally told me that her mom would be babysitting for the weekend.)

jessicabessica · January 2012

It sounds like your bridesmaid could have phrased it better, since it's not polite to just inform someone that you will be going against their wishes and brining an uninvited guest. When a parent is invited somewhere without their kid, they can either make childcare arrangements or decline to attend. If you tell your BM that her baby cannot come, which you are allowed to do, she may decline to attend, but you cannot tell her her baby cannot come, and she has to attend.

Habs2Hart · January 2012

I think you should wait to see how she feels closer to the wedding. It's still 8 months away.

chumlee7478 · January 2012

She's a member of the bridal party, she's not a "typical" guest, know what I mean? That was one of the two exceptions we made. We are having an adult only reception, with the exception of children of the bridal party (1 child) and nursing mothers (1 child). That's it. We would either lose a groomsman and a good friend, or we could understand that these are the exceptions to the rules. If guests have an issue, that's their problem. I know my guests would understand, so I'm not worried.

MyNameIsNot · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-child-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:06febb9e-dcab-4133-a467-708bf2eec787Post:c1c545d2-f6b1-4f60-aa72-580ce4ad1055">Re: Bridesmaid's child at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with making an exception for her, but I'm just really worried about my family's reaction. Like why would she be more important than my family? There are some young kids in the family that would not be invited... still think an exception just for her would be ok? (Also she initally told me that her mom would be babysitting for the weekend.)
Posted by wowand135[/QUOTE]

<div>I would tell people you are making an exception for breastfeeding mothers. (Assuming she is BFing.) This is a pretty common exception and doesn't make her more important than family.</div>

wowand135 · January 2012

Great idea re BFing mothers! Turns out there is one other of those so two is not so bad. Thanks all!

jemmini6 · January 2012

I think the bridesmaid was really rude and presumptious to approach the situation the way she did. Even if you decided to make an exception for her, that's your call, not hers. I dunno, her message just rubs me the wrong way, especially since this is 8 months before your wedding.

Regardless, you have a few options. You can tell her that unfortunately, it would be unfair to the rest of your guests whose children aren't allowed, so you'd prefer that she find a sitter. Or you can just let it go and let her bring the baby, anyone that asks, you can just let them know that you made an exception for members of the bridal party, since they'd be there the whole day. Whichever way you decide, I wouldn't do anything until the wedding gets closer....you never know, she may change her mind as well by that time and it will become a non-issue.

ElisabethJoanne · January 2012

I agree with the consensus, especially those saying to wait a few months and re-address the issue then. There's a big difference between a 4 mo. old and a 12 mo. old, both in how easy the baby is to baby-sit and how comfortable parents are in hiring a sitter. [The majority of American mothers breastfeed to 6 months, for example. Babysitting a nursing infant, especially all day, is very different from baby sitting a 12 mo. old, a toddler, on solid foods.]

I've invited even experienced mothers [as in, nursing their 4th baby] to events requiring a sitter, only to have them mis-judge how long they can be away and cancel, but in a few months, all was well for a bit of a girls' night.

Another thing you can do is strongly hint that this other person is her nanny-for-a-day, not her date. Respond to her by saying, "I think hiring a nanny-for-a-day or a come-along babysitter is a great idea. We'll arrange for places at the ceremony and reception where she can be with Baby nearby, but out of the way." Then she hasn't really brought the baby.

cindyn9178 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-child-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:06febb9e-dcab-4133-a467-708bf2eec787Post:3e28d29f-4aed-4fc9-80e0-c1b7581741da">Re: Bridesmaid's child at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I<strong>t's rude of her to basically tell you, "i know you don't want kids there, but I'm special so mine is coming.</strong>" I'd tell her you are sorry, but her child can't be accommodated.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with this.

I'm sorry, but I don't agree that wedding party members should be any kind of special exception. if you are having NO kids, then it is NO kids, regardless of who thinks they are special enough to be able to bring their kid. Why should your BM bring her kid, but your cousin or nephew can't come? KWIM?

Since she is bringing this up now, I would say something to her as soon as possible, so she has months to prepare and find a babysitter for the day.
I've been in many weddings and bringing your 1 year old child with you when you are a BM makes absolutely no sense to me. It isn't a newborn, there is no reason she needs to have her 1 year old with her all day.

I understand that some people don't like leaving their kids with anybody or have a rough time finding a babysitter, but if you aren't having kids then she needs to accept that and deal with it. I really don't like when parents think that the entire world should involve around what is most convenient for them when it comes to their kids.

tenofcups4me · January 2012

Unless she has no friends or family nearby who can take care of the baby, I don't see any reason to even think about making an "exception" for her. She's got 8 months to make arrangements. I doubt I'd respond in writing, but would call her and basically give say WTF? You know kids aren't invited. I can't have your kid there and not the kids of my family, etc. etc. etc. (I'm assuming that she's a good friend since she's a BM so I wouldn't stand on ceremony about it -- address it now and get it cleared up.)

Summer2011Bride · January 2012

Wait until closer to the wedding to bring this up again. As others pointed out, she may feel completely different with a 1 year old than a 4 month old baby. Personally, I probably wouldn't make an exception.If you aren't requiring them to get their hair and makeup done, you could probably get away with her being there an hour earlier than guests for pics (but talk to your photographer). I don't really think being away from her cihld for one hour longer than other guests who leave children with sitters necessitates an exception.

Plus, if she wanted to, she could have her child with her at the hair appt. and beforehand for pics (but would still need someone else to sit with him/her). So really, I don't see the need for an exception. She already pointed out that she would have someone there to take care of the baby wihle she is doing WP stuff, so I don't see why she can't leave baby at home with said person. Doesn't make sense.

banana468 · January 2012

Ditto ten This kid will be a YEAR and she's already saying that shes bringing the baby? Someone needs to tell Mommy Dearest that her children aren't welcome everywhere she is.

pzavecz · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-child-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:06febb9e-dcab-4133-a467-708bf2eec787Post:65031020-2c7a-4d49-adf8-15a205c21a68">Re: Bridesmaid's child at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid's child at wedding : I completely agree with this. I'm sorry, but I don't agree that wedding party members should be any kind of special exception. if you are having NO kids, then it is NO kids, regardless of who thinks they are special enough to be able to bring their kid. Why should your BM bring her kid, but your cousin or nephew can't come? KWIM? Since she is bringing this up now, I would say something to her as soon as possible, so she has months to prepare and find a babysitter for the day. I've been in many weddings and bringing your 1 year old child with you when you are a BM makes absolutely no sense to me. It isn't a newborn, there is no reason she needs to have her 1 year old with her all day. I understand that some people don't like leaving their kids with anybody or have a rough time finding a babysitter, but if you aren't having kids then she needs to accept that and deal with it. <strong>I really don't like when parents think that the entire world should involve around what is most convenient for them when it comes to their kids.</strong>
Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ditto!

</div>

cindyn9178 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-child-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:06febb9e-dcab-4133-a467-708bf2eec787Post:8bf582f9-1534-4c0d-a5ed-567ba7359d0a">Re: Bridesmaid's child at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Wait until closer to the wedding to bring this up again. As others pointed out, she may feel completely different with a 1 year old than a 4 month old baby.</strong>Personally, I probably wouldn't make an exception.If you aren't requiring them to get their hair and makeup done, you could probably get away with her being there an hour earlier than guests for pics (but talk to your photographer). I don't really think being away from her cihld for one hour longer than other guests who leave children with sitters necessitates an exception. Plus, if she wanted to, she could have her child with her at the hair appt. and beforehand for pics (but would still need someone else to sit with him/her). So really, I don't see the need for an exception. She already pointed out that she would have someone there to take care of the baby wihle she is doing WP stuff, so I don't see why she can't leave baby at home with said person. Doesn't make sense.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

I really think that the OP runs the risk of upsetting the friend even more if she waits to talk to her about this. If she doesn't nip it in the bud now, the friend is going to assume for the next few months that the OP is ok with her bringing the kid, and won't be looking for or thinking about a babysitter. If the OP tells her a few months from now "oh by the way, you can't bring your kid", the friend might say "why didn't you say something sooner? Now I don't have anybody to watch her and I can't attend your wedding".

sweetcanadian1979 · February 2012

She is a bm, her child will only be a year which to me isn't a toddler yet, she is a single mom, has very ltitle money.

What is important to you? Her being there or you having no children present?

I get the no children thing but if your family can't understand that your bridal party & babies have to be an exception than there is something wrong.

You asked her to stand beside you because you care about her, which means you should care about her plight too.

I agree that she went about it the wrong way but maybe she wanted it to come out that way to make light of it instead of getting upset & in a panic because she doesn't know what to do? Not sure but either way i would still accomodate her.

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