Future FIL insitisting on being Best Man

erikanyc · April 2012

My future FIL (and his wife) keep calling me and my fiance saying that he is supposed to be the best man and it's just wrong that my fiance asked his brother. He is now threatening to not come if he is not the best man. Has anyone else faced this situation? Would you let him be the best man/co best man just to keep him happy? Or stick to your guns and what you really want for your day?

mari0225 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-fil-insitisting-on-being-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f4fca874-5006-4eb3-81a0-11040fa5ee5bPost:88d947de-b2c7-4477-9c16-07a831cccc59">Future FIL insitisting on being Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]My future FIL (and his wife) keep calling me and my fiance saying that he is supposed to be the best man and it's just wrong that my fiance asked his brother. He is now threatening to not come if he is not the best man. Has anyone else faced this situation? Would you let him be the best man/co best man just to keep him happy? Or stick to your guns and what you really want for your day?
Posted by erikanyc[/QUOTE]

If your FI wants his brother than that is fine, I have never heard where the father of the groom is supposed to be the Best Man.

monkeysip · April 2012

I'm confused. Why is FIL calling you? It's your FI's best man, so it's up to your FI. Sorry, but let FI deal with his own dad on this.

I agree though that this is weird. I mean, no one should demand to be a best man, and the father of the groom is not typically the groom's best man (not saying he can't be--but it's not usually expected).

MrsKathyC · April 2012

I've never seen the FOG be the Best man! Stick to your guns!!!!

juliebug1997 · April 2012

I think it's silly for your FFIL and FMIL to say they're not going to come if their own son won't pick him to be the BM. In all honesty, I would call their bluff.

redheadfsu · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-fil-insitisting-on-being-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f4fca874-5006-4eb3-81a0-11040fa5ee5bPost:88d947de-b2c7-4477-9c16-07a831cccc59">Future FIL insitisting on being Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]My future FIL (and his wife) keep calling me and my fiance saying that he is supposed to be the best man and it's just wrong that my fiance asked his brother. He is now threatening to not come if he is not the best man. Has anyone else faced this situation? Would you let him be the best man/co best man just to keep him happy? Or stick to your guns and what you really want for your day?
Posted by erikanyc[/QUOTE]

It is the groom's choice. FFIL is just throwing a temper tantrum and it is very sad. It is up to your FI, but personally I would call his bluff.

Megan+Adam · April 2012

I'd probably stick to my guns because I believe in nipping things in the bud as soon as possible.

If it were me I'd call his bluff, but this is really up to your FI.

TaraMc728 · April 2012

I had never heard of that. Stick to yuor guns, and do what you and your FI want to do.

aragx6 · April 2012

I've seen a grandpa as a groomsmen and thought it was cute, but having the father of the groom act as best man is certainly not expected. It's a weird thing to flip out about -- is there more to this story? Do the two have a history of problems?

Regardless, I'd stay super far away from this and let FI do whatever he wants to do.

angelstar975 · April 2012

This is just weird to me. I guess I've heard of the FOG being the best man, but I don't know anyone who's actually done it. It's much more common for it to be a brother or a close friend. I wouldn't make him the best man because he's manipulating you into it. I'd call his bluff on this one... it would be absolutely ridiculous for him to not go to his son's wedding because he isn't the best man.

adamar15 · April 2012

Your FI should be able to decide that. His father needs to grow up. My friend's FIL was her H's best man, and her MIL pitched a fit so she was a bridesmaid. It was kind of weird.

sleepyb · April 2012

My dad was my brother's BM but it was because that is who my brother chose. We all thought it was really sweet, but it certainly wasn't expected or demanded.

RupertPenny · April 2012

I think this is something that is more common in the South. I've seen it several times. However, I have never heard that the father is supposed to be the best man, I just know that some people consider it an option. I would have your FI say that being the father of the groom is a very important position and that he really appreciates his father for everything blah blah even if he isn't standing right next to him during the vows.

Maggie0829 · April 2012

Wow, how the heck old is your FFIL because he is acting like a three year old with the temper tantrum he is throwing.

Tell your FI to stick to his guns and call their bluff.

littleluckypenny · April 2012

A friend of mine's husband had his father as BM, but because his dad is truly his best friend. Haven't heard of a dad "forcing" himself in this role.

Let FI talk to him. And call their bluff about not attending. He would be a pretty sh**y dad for using the fact that he's not BM to not attend his son's wedding.

SparrowSong · April 2012

If anything, I think the role is usually a brother. And if not, then a best friend. Of course it can be a father, but I think that is far from traditional or assumed. His role is already father of the groom, which is an honor in itself.

And anyone who threatens to not to come to the wedding at all should hardly be in contention for best man in the first place. I agree FI should stick to his decision and call his dad's bluff, because he's being ridiculous.

AceTT · April 2012

The Father of the Groom is the Father of the Groom. He is already a guest of honor/VIP guest. If the groom wants to make him the Best Man, then by all means, but there is no "requirement." Your FFIL is acting like a bratty child; call his bluff. If he really would skip his own son's wedding because he didn't get his way, then he has issues.

ootmother2 · April 2012

I've attended two weddings where FOG (one was a SFOG) was the Best Man. It never crossed my mind that it was strange.

I did see someone on here once say that it was a Southern custom but too many things are held up to "Southern custom" to believe that as fact.

This FOG sounds pretty childish with his demand

chelseamb11 · April 2012

Call his bluff. That's messed up.

chumlee7478 · April 2012

I've seen it done once. One of my best guy friends had his brother and dad as co best men. His mom had passed away young, and it was the 3 of them on their own until their dad remarried. They were their dad's best men as well. It was very sweet, but I figured it was something I'd only see once given their situation.

It's certainly not required to have FFIL to be the BM. Your fiance gets to choose his BM. It's not like he chose some guy off the street, he chose his brother.

Have your fiance call his father's bluff about not attending. That's just way too much drama for his dad to be causing. He's already a VIP at the wedding given that he's the groom's father.

mica178 · April 2012

It's up to your FI to decide who will be his BM. Leave that decision up to him.

FWIW, H's oldest brother had his father as BM. My FIL was so touched.

Kristin789 · April 2012

1. It's wrong that FFIL and FMIL call you about this. If I were you, I'd screen their calls and let them go to voicemail, but if you want to answer the phone, you could wait until they get to this subject and then say simply, "Oh, that subject is not for ME. That would be KEVIN's business because it deals with YOUR FAMILY." And then drop it.

2. It's wrong for anyone to expect or manipulate like that. FI should tell them so.

3. FI should tell them that the groom's parents are traditionally the hosts of the Rehearsal Dinner, so they need to schedule a dinner meeting where they get working on THAT. THAT's what needs to be talked about. They need to go to different restaurants for tastings and talk to the catering director about menu options and napkin colors, etc. And then they need to pick one and design the contract and sign the contract, etc. And FFIL will be front and center on that event. Then at the wedding, FFIL needs to be the escort for his wife, because his wife is the next to last person seated before the wedding processional.

Kristin789 · April 2012

And, although I'm IN the South, I have never heard of this "cultural tradition." I have never attended a wedding where the FFIL was the Best Man - and DH and I go to about three weddings every year (we're both teachers).

SomethingBeautiful08 · April 2012

Yep he is being unreasonable. Who the best man is should be your FI's choice... the way they are going if you give in they might start bugging you about the wife being a bride's maid. If your FI and FOG have any sort of good relationship then FOG is and should be an honor in and of itself, though not always. My BIL and his dad were not close at all, so while he was in some pictures, otherwise he was just a guest.

If he will be honored it might help to remind him that FOG is an honored guest and that he will be... fill in the blank... i.e. given an boutinere, part of the processional, special dance, named in the program... what ever that means to you.

Future FIL insitisting on being Best Man

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