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Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!!

dianacalhoundianacalhoun
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I have a male friend who started dating this girl the same week my fiance and I got engaged. The friend proposed to his girlfriend after only 4 months of dating.  They set their date for one week after ours in the same city. About 50% of our guests are going to be overlapping. My fiance and I have been dating for almost 5 years. The friend's fiance has been making my engagement such a nightmare. She is picking the same vendors, places, and even wedding party! It's really hard to feel special when everything is getting duplicated. She is very new to our group of friends, but seems to be controlling everything. It is really affecting my fiance and I. We have been tempted to fly to Vegas and get married, just to be done with it. How do I handle this? I really want to tell her and her fiance, my friend, that they are making us feel very uncomfortable.
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Re: Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!!

  • midgetthemightymidgetthemighty
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    Stop talking about your wedding with her/them.

    Everything else is out of your control and my guess is that your guests will either go to both or to yours since they knew about it first.
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  • musicalsunlightmusicalsunlight member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    Is she SERIOUSLY picking all of those exact same things? That just seems a little exaggerated.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Stop talking wedding with her.  And since her wedding is a week after yours, she will look like she copied your ideas, not the other way around.
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  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mutual-friend-wedding-thunder-stealing-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f49d2998-9d87-4fea-9943-4e46c862d9c3Post:8077fec8-c9be-4da7-bbdf-0b8cf5dfdb60">Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a male friend who started dating this girl the same week my fiance and I got engaged. The friend proposed to his girlfriend after only 4 months of dating.  They set their date for one week after ours in the same city. About 50% of our guests are going to be overlapping. My fiance and I have been dating for almost 5 years. The friend's fiance has been making my engagement such a nightmare. She is picking the same vendors, places, and even wedding party! It's really hard to feel special when everything is getting duplicated. She is very new to our group of friends, but seems to be controlling everything. It is really affecting my fiance and I. We have been tempted to fly to Vegas and get married, just to be done with it. How do I handle this? I really want to tell her and her fiance, my friend, that they are making us feel very uncomfortable.
    Posted by dianacalhoun[/QUOTE]


    You need to step back and breathe.  Your wedding is no more important than theirs is and to imply that yours is more important puts you in the bridezilla territory.  I don't understand why you're letting this girl have so much power over you to the point where you would elope.  You really want to not have your friends and family watch you get married just because this girl is using the same vendors and has some of the same WP members?
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  • Habs2HartHabs2Hart member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    And is she is picking all that stuff, at least they'll see it at your wedding first.

    Try your best to ignore her and tell your Fl to stop talking wedding details with either of them. 
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  • AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mutual-friend-wedding-thunder-stealing-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f49d2998-9d87-4fea-9943-4e46c862d9c3Post:8077fec8-c9be-4da7-bbdf-0b8cf5dfdb60">Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a male friend who started dating this girl the same week my fiance and I got engaged. The friend proposed to his girlfriend after only 4 months of dating.  They set their date for one week after ours in the same city. About 50% of our guests are going to be overlapping. My fiance and I have been dating for almost 5 years. The friend's fiance has been making my engagement such a nightmare. She is picking the same vendors, places, and even wedding party! It's really hard to feel special when everything is getting duplicated. She is very new to our group of friends, but seems to be controlling everything. It is really affecting my fiance and I. We have been tempted to fly to Vegas and get married, just to be done with it. How do I handle this? I really want to tell her and her fiance, my friend, that they are making us feel very uncomfortable.
    Posted by dianacalhoun[/QUOTE]

    1 - The length of a relationship does not really have anything to do with people getting married.  For example - just because you've been with your FI for five years, does not mean your friend shouldn't marry his lady after only four months.  My bff's parents got engaged after three months of knowing each other and well, 33 years later...

    2 - If your wedding is a week before theirs, and a bunch of the guests are overlapping - chances are people will be able to see that she's copying you.  If so, who cares.  It just makes her look psycho.  Don't worry about it.

    3 - If you really want her to quit stealing your wedding shiit, then shut up about your wedding.  People can't steal your ideas if they don't know what they are.

    4 - If this is really, really having that much negative impact on your life, I really think you need to relax.  Yes, weddings are important events in people's lives.  But remember, it's one day.  I think you want a wedding, so if you say "screw it" and run off to Vegas, you will regret it.  Try not to sweat this stuff.
    panther
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  • MiksChick23MiksChick23 member
    First Comment
    I would be SO ANNOYED!! One week after yours with the same stuff? Ugh! Stop discussing details with her or her FI. If it was me, I'd probably make some snarky comment about "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" if she mentions a detail that she copied.

    I have a friend who copies me all the time, she has bought the same car as me on TWO separate occasions among other things.
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  • Habs2HartHabs2Hart member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    Andplusalso, I agree with Mrs. B.  Your wedding is no more important than theirs just because their relationship wasn't as long.  Some people know sooner.  Don't judge them for that. 
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  • Habs2HartHabs2Hart member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    "well bless your heart.  You loved my idea so much you chose the same thing!  How flattering". 
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  • cpm1223cpm1223
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mutual-friend-wedding-thunder-stealing-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f49d2998-9d87-4fea-9943-4e46c862d9c3Post:71f04cf8-f18d-4d9a-a724-a0f812f4007e">Re: Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!! : 1 - The length of a relationship does not really have anything to do with people getting married.  For example - just because you've been with your FI for five years, does not mean your friend shouldn't marry his lady after only four months.  My bff's parents got engaged after three months of knowing each other and well, 33 years later... 2 - If your wedding is a week before theirs, and a bunch of the guests are overlapping - chances are people will be able to see that she's copying you.  If so, who cares.  It just makes her look psycho.  Don't worry about it. 3 - If you really want her to quit stealing your wedding shiit, then shut up about your wedding.  People can't steal your ideas if they don't know what they are. 4 - If this is really, really having that much negative impact on your life, I really think you need to relax.  Yes, weddings are important events in people's lives.  But remember, it's one day.  I think you want a wedding, so if you say "screw it" and run off to Vegas, you will regret it.  Try not to sweat this stuff.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

    I agree with ALL of this!
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  • baystateapplebaystateapple member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    H and I got engaged two months after BIL and SIL did.  We got married two months after they did, as well.  It really upset me when people made comments about  how we were "stealing their thunder" because they were dating for six years before they got engaged, and H and I were only dating a year and a half. 

    Just because someone was dating for a shorter period of time does not mean that their wedding is any less valid or important to them as yours is to you.  Stop talking wedding with her, ask your FI to stop talking wedding with her, and just get on with your own plans.  Chances are your weddings will be MUCH different than you think right now.
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  • chrmunchrmun member
    First Comment
    You do not have any thunder to steal.  You have a wedding and it will be lovely.  The sad fact is that no one is going to care about it as much as you do and no one is going to give a crap that she bit off all your ideas.  (Seriously.  It's not personal.  No one cares about ANYONE'S wedding as much as the people getting married.) It's not a competition and it's not a reality show.  If you want to "win", do it by having a great time at your wedding and living happily ever after.
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  • DelBride2012DelBride2012 member
    First Comment
    Are there a dearth of good vendors in your city? A lot of places outside of big major cities, it seems like "copying" would be all but inevitable. 

    I don't think thunder is something that can be "stolen." It's not like the excitement and joy of your mutual friends is in limited supply. But even if there was a risk of getting "wedding'd out," it'd impact the second wedding and not really the first one, I suspect. 
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mutual-friend-wedding-thunder-stealing-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f49d2998-9d87-4fea-9943-4e46c862d9c3Post:c5c61a24-34a7-4e1d-9b7c-45cd08d6edf2">Re: Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You do not have any thunder to steal.  You have a wedding and it will be lovely.  The sad fact is that no one is going to care about it as much as you do and no one is going to give a crap that she bit off all your ideas.  (Seriously.  It's not personal.  No one cares about ANYONE'S wedding as much as the people getting married.) It's not a competition and it's not a reality show.<strong>  If you want to "win", do it by having a great time at your wedding and living happily ever after.
    </strong>Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]

    Totally agree with this. You know what they say, living well is the best revenge. She's either doing it because she likes your ideas (which is flattering) or she's doing it to annoy you. If it's the latter you can best get under her skin by refusing to let her get under yours.
    Lizzie
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  • froggatt.clarefroggatt.clare
    First Comment
    Don't tell them they're stealing their thunder.  That will make you appear to be the underhanded bride.

    As pps said, if she truly does take all of your ideas, and their wedding is only a week after yours, it will be blatantly obvious to those who notice such things that she duplicated your ideas.  And those who don't notice wouldn't have noticed it no matter how far apart the weddings were.

    As for the BP - if they're in the same group of friends, the groomsmen will overlap.  It happens.
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  • mandysmearmandysmear member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    elope.

    "It's shart week." -georgiabride
    "This post is seriously retarded." -Stackeye210
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  • baystateapplebaystateapple member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    Holy crap, Mandy's here!  How are you?
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    MANDY. You need to be here like all the time dude.

    OP, get your save the dates out asap if your weddings are a week apart and you share 50% of the guest list.
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  • Habs2HartHabs2Hart member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    Mandy's here and Daff has a crazy colourful creature on her shoulder.  This makes me happy.
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  • AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited March 2012
    I think if you really want to win, you're going to have to get married on top of a mountain, with flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs.  And then dance until the sun rises!  And then your children will form a family band, and tour the countryside... AND THEY (thunderstealers) WON'T BE INVITED.

    Ps, I love your sig daff.
    panther
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  • musicalsunlightmusicalsunlight member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    mandy!!!
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  • baystateapplebaystateapple member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mutual-friend-wedding-thunder-stealing-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f49d2998-9d87-4fea-9943-4e46c862d9c3Post:55eabebb-a1a2-4bc9-913c-33042f3cf457">Re: Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think if you really want to win, you're going to have to get married on top of a mountain, with flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs.  And then dance until the sun rises!  And then your children will form a family band, and tour the countryside... AND THEY (thunderstealers) WON'T BE INVITED. Ps, I love your sig daff.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

    I <3 you.
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  • AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mutual-friend-wedding-thunder-stealing-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f49d2998-9d87-4fea-9943-4e46c862d9c3Post:eb00d6c4-47f0-4ae2-b4cf-ee7a2d6483ee">Re: Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!! : I <3 you.
    Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]


    I'm hopelessly transparent right now... lol :)
    panther
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  • mandysmearmandysmear member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    hey ladies!

    what's the word?


    "It's shart week." -georgiabride
    "This post is seriously retarded." -Stackeye210
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  • musicalsunlightmusicalsunlight member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    the word is that TK is ruling with an iron fist and arbitrarily deleting entire days worth of threads.
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  • Bonzo2011Bonzo2011 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Whenever someone talks about stealing thunder, I think back to eight grade when my middle school drama teacher was told by the district we could not do Romeo and Juliet because the high school English teachers felt it was stealing their thunder. Really? Getting eighth graders into Shakespeare is stealing your thunder? OP, one of two things will happen. 1) Everyone will see that your friends FI copied you, and only she will look bad. 2) this is more likely - no one will notice. You each will put your own personalities into these things. Have the same DJ? He'll probably play different music though right? Same florist? Pick different flowers.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I'm curious how it's possible that 50% of the guests are overlap - are neither of you inviting, like, ANY family?  We had a TON of friends at our wedding, but they still made up will less than 1/3 the guest list...

    image

     

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  • dubirddubird
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mutual-friend-wedding-thunder-stealing-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f49d2998-9d87-4fea-9943-4e46c862d9c3Post:28109c2c-273c-48a0-b5bc-e5c325fb013a">Re: Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]"well bless your heart.  You loved my idea so much you chose the same thing!  How flattering". 
    Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry, this always makes me think of this local commercial.  XD
    <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BfqouJvpCk" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BfqouJvpCk</a>




    Anyhoo, OP, take a deep breath and chill.  Stop talking about your wedding around either of them.  Just smile and nod and go about your planning.  You and your fiancee will have an awesome wedding, and even if she's using the same vendors as you, doesn't mean it'll be the same as your wedding.   I know there are lots of people that use our venue and vendors, but no one will have the same details as we're having, so it doesn't bother me.
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  • mandysmearmandysmear member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    yeah, i tried to list threads by the most recently posted IN, not in order of which they were posted.  and it brought me to like 2009 when suninherhead asked us if we withhold sex from our spouses. 

    "It's shart week." -georgiabride
    "This post is seriously retarded." -Stackeye210
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    being healthy. blog.
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  • musicalsunlightmusicalsunlight member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mutual-friend-wedding-thunder-stealing-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f49d2998-9d87-4fea-9943-4e46c862d9c3Post:7875bb13-85f1-40ec-ad9d-4abd7fc061b4">Re: Mutual friend - Wedding thunder stealing, HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]yeah, i tried to list threads by the most recently posted IN, not in order of which they were posted.  and it brought me to like 2009 when suninherhead asked us if we withhold sex from our spouses. 
    Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]

    hah! Yeah they fixed the sorting issue but they fixed it backwards. But we had several threads going on today but they all went into oblivion, unless you look at your post history to find it. It has been going on for weeks now. Oh and TB and TN are apparently being formatted to fit TK format so that is the "reason" why this is all happening. Good times.
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