Selfish or not??

SheenaNash1 · December 2010

So I'm wondering if my FMIL is being selfish or if I'm just being a bridezilla. Heres the short backstory:

FMIL and FFIL divorced almost twenty years ago when FI was 8 years old. It was a nasty break up. They don't speak often and they don't have very nice things to say about each other when they do. FMIL is disabled and in a wheelchair and has self-esteem issues and depression surrounding this. FFIL has remarried recently and the new stepmom is very nice. Well, my FMIL is not wanting to go to the rehersal dinner because her ex and his new wife are paying for it and will be there. They offered very nicely to foot the bill for this, it was not asked of them and I am so appreciative of them for offering. FMIL has already expressed lots of worry about going to the wedding because she's worried about seeing her ex and him looking down on her for not remarriying, being in a wheelchair (she was ill when they were married but not in a wheelchair), and seeing him happy with his new wife, etc.

So, is it wrong of me to be thinking that she is being a bit selfish and should attend because its her son's wedding and the night really isnt about her and her ex husband of twenty years? Or should I just comfort her and understand where she is coming from and not put up an argument if she doesnt show up?

FutureMrsTR · December 2010

My mom isn't a fan of my dad or my stepmom (whom he started seeing while he and my mom were still technically married) but she came to everything because it was important to me. His mom is an adult and should be able to handle herself accordingly.

AdeleDazeem · December 2010

This is just me and maybe I'm wrong, but if she's uncomfortable coming to the rehearsal dinner, then I wouldn't put up an argument. It's not like she's refusing to go to the wedding. She just wants to skip one meal that is hosted by her ex husband and his new happy wife. I'd give her a pass.

Stackeye210 · December 2010

You have to let the grown up make their own grown up decisions. Of course you can feel like she just needs to suck it up and be there for her son, but you can't make her do anything. She is going to feel how she's going to feel regardless, I think the best thing you can do is to stay out of it. It's between your FI and his mom. Just be supportive of your FI and how he feels it should be handled.

FutureMrsTR · December 2010

Oh and I wouldn't argue with her if she doesn't come, there's nothing you can do about that and it will only make things worse. Let FI handle his mother and let her know if it's really important to him that she be there.

IrishBrideND · December 2010

crap. I accidentally deleted it.

Anywho, its the rehersal, not the reception. Its not a big deal IMO.

And really, you should'nt be involved at all. Let your FI handle it. Its his mom.

ohwhynot · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfish-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f98eea3-3a7e-40f1-bcce-e85afbdb35c9Post:f2f01b36-3518-43c2-aefd-16c3f37ec1ab">Re: Selfish or not??</a>:
[QUOTE]I can understand her not wanting to see her ex in his shiny, happy new life while she is unhappy with her own. If she is coming to the wedding, I wouldn't push her about the rehearsal dinner. It's just a dinner anyway. Seeing you two get married is far more important.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Ditto. Also, give it time. She may be venting her worst fears right now, but she'll rally when the time comes. You might want to ask if she wants to bring a very close friend of hers as her companion for one or both events.

danieliza1127 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfish-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f98eea3-3a7e-40f1-bcce-e85afbdb35c9Post:aa9e80e5-399b-40cb-a699-39b2b07b15d6">Selfish or not??</a>:
[QUOTE] So, is it wrong of me to be thinking that she is being a bit selfish and should attend because its her son's wedding and the night really isnt about her and her ex husband of twenty years? Or should I just comfort her and understand where she is coming from and not put up an argument if she doesnt show up?
Posted by SheenaNash1[/QUOTE]

Both, both are right. She is being self-centered and should be an adult and deal with it already. Also you should just comfort her and be understanding when she talks about this in front of or with you. If she decides not to attend the RD, you and your FI can tell her how much you really want her to be there, but in the end, it's her decision. Getting mad or holding a grudge about it won't do anyone any good.

salt78 · December 2010

On one hand I can see your point. My parents divorced like 25 years ago and my mom was single at my wedding and my dad was there with his girlfriend/now wife. But my mom also has what sounds like a much happier existence than your FMIL has. It's just a dinner. If she wants to opt out, don't be hard on her. She will be at the wedding, right?

SheenaNash1 · December 2010

Thanks ladies! Oh and I should have mentioned that we did suggest she bring a guest with her to everything so that she wouln't feel so uncomfortable. She's bringing a guest with her to the wedding, but she hasnt mentioned anything about the dinner. But you guys are right, its just a dinner, not the wedding. So not a big deal. And I WISH FI and her would talk about it and leave me out of it, but she goes over his head right to me and calls, texts, emails until I answer her!

TIffany Caldwell · December 2010

I think this is something your FI should talk to his mother about honestly. I know you want to be helpful to her and be the good future Daughter In Law but it is his mother and he needs to sit down with her and express how he feels about it. If it is going to upset him and hurt his feelings for her to not come then he is the only one who can make that clear to his mom. Also be careful to not let yourself be put in the middle of his family as much as you care about your FI it is in your best interest sometimes to just let him deal with them so you don't end up with Mom, stepmom, or dad mad at you for over stepping "boundaries". Just my thoughts take it how you want but please be careful to not end up in the middle of his family issues it will only make the planning more difficult on you both!

SheenaNash1 · December 2010

BTW Irishbride, your daughter is ADORABLE!

jemmini6 · December 2010

As long as she is willing to put up with her insecurities for the wedding, I'd probably let her do what makes her comfortable for the RD. If it's really important to your FI that she be there, then that's his responsibility to discuss it with her.

Beachy730 · December 2010

She is being selfish, but you can also be a little comforting about. Hopefully she has no problems with it at the wedding and she can be an adult about it. Just make sure you don't seat his parents together at dinner and things should be fine.

salt78 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfish-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f98eea3-3a7e-40f1-bcce-e85afbdb35c9Post:15590a74-b6d7-4d05-bfbe-3b4160e25d08">Re: Selfish or not??</a>:
[QUOTE]And I WISH FI and her would talk about it and leave me out of it, but she goes over his head right to me and calls, texts, emails until I answer her!
Posted by SheenaNash1[/QUOTE]

<div>Well the silver lining in all this is that it sounds as if she likes you! :)</div>

SheenaNash1 · December 2010

Thanks for the sliver lining Salt!

Yes, she does like me. She very much wants me to be her daughter and I'm glad for that.she can just be..suffocating at times.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfish-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f98eea3-3a7e-40f1-bcce-e85afbdb35c9Post:cda046ba-d0f0-4776-8513-cb245ef4b17e">Re: Selfish or not??</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom isn't a fan of my dad or my stepmom (whom he started seeing while he and my mom were still technically married) but she came to everything because it was important to me. His mom is an adult and should be able to handle herself accordingly.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

This. My parents were very uncomfortable having to see each other at the RD and the wedding, but they got through it because they 1) both wanted to participate in their daughter's wedding festivities and 2) knew it was important to me.

phut_action · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfish-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f98eea3-3a7e-40f1-bcce-e85afbdb35c9Post:15590a74-b6d7-4d05-bfbe-3b4160e25d08">Re: Selfish or not??</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies! Oh and I should have mentioned that we did suggest she bring a guest with her to everything so that she wouln't feel so uncomfortable. She's bringing a guest with her to the wedding, but she hasnt mentioned anything about the dinner. But you guys are right, its just a dinner, not the wedding. So not a big deal. And I WISH FI and her would talk about it and leave me out of it, but she goes over his head right to me and calls, texts, emails until I answer her!
Posted by SheenaNash1[/QUOTE]

<div>Well at least she likes you enough to share these worries with you! Be supportive, let her know she's very important to you both and you want for her to come but if she's too uncomfortable you understand.</div><div>
</div><div>Thats a very tough situation, it'd be differnt if she had more confidence or more self-esteem. </div><div>
</div><div>Has anybody talked to the FFIL about this? Does he know she's in a wheelchair, and if not would he be compassionate about it? I would hope so but you never know, it sounds like they're pretty bitter with each other... Maybe someone should let him know that she's in a wheelchair and she's self-conscious about it.</div>

marleylikeair · December 2010

Oof. It's great that she likes you, but she sounds like a bit of a PITA as well. Don't let her smother you. Firmly, but politely, keep to your boundaries. She should NOT be calling, texting, emailing, and basically hounding you until you respond to her, nor should you be her ear for her insecurites and frustrations. She is an adult, wheelchair or no wheelchair. If you give her special attention and coddling, she'll keep coming back for more.

I'm saying this not necessarily to apply to the current situation, but in general. Take it from someone with an extremely emotionally needy mom: don't feel like you have to hold her up. She'll respect you more if you stay true to yourself. Your FI should tell her he'd like for her to be there, but it's up to her, and leave it at that. She's lonely and sad, and looking for attention and validation. You can be supportive, but please don't let her have more of your energy than a MIL should!

I know this sounds harsh. Please know I'm just trying to help--I don't want to see you set a precedent and be suffocated for the rest of your time with your FMIL. Good luck!

chaplainswife · December 2010

In my first wedding, I had some similar problems. I'd just tell FMIL that you would love for her to be there, and it would mean a lot to your DF, but after that, let it go. It's not worth wrecking your relationship with her over it. She and FFIL have old issues that you are never going to fix, and you're going to have this problem again, I promise, so you might as well accept it now. Just let her make her decision & be sincerely OK with it. She'll come to the wedding. Just let it go. She may have regrets, but they are her regrets. Just go enjoy your nice rehearsal dinner & don't fret any more about it.

SheenaNash1 · December 2010

Thanks Marley - I totally see what you are talking about. I am a people-pleaser so before I knew her well I really tried to get her to like me, and that worked a little too well. So now I try and keep my distance but she is a master manipulator and really plays off of her disability to get sympathy. Its hard for me to keep her at a distance but I try. Its like she wants to take over my real mom's title and have me be the daughter she never had. But I already have a mom, thanks. I'm sure it will just get much worse when we have kids! lol But thanks everyone for your advice on this topic!

SheenaNash1 · December 2010

Oh, and yes, FFIL knows shes in a wheelchair. I dont know that he cares too much, but he does know about it. Its not a new development, shes been in one for many years. she can still get around with a cane short distances, but long travel is done with her chair.

MaeganAndKevin · December 2010

Although, I'm sure it's rough on her, this is HER SON'S WEDDING! She can't miss it because she doesn't want to be around her Ex. This will never happen again and she would be horribly upset if she missed it. I have a situation similar to yours and I tell you if my fiance's brother doesn't make it...he will resent him for it. Could possibly happen with your fiance and his mom!

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