Need to Vent/Get Advice - very long

**Mutley** · December 2009

Sigh. I don't know if I posted about my best friend and her bridezilla/unrealistic friend expectations lately.

Back story -
She got engaged Dec '08 and is getting married April '10. We been best friends for almost 15 years. We went to school together in Maryland. This summer they moved to SF and we now live about 1.5 hours from each other.

Before Thanksgiving, we were supposed to go bridesmaid dress shopping. She got the swine flu the week before. She stayed home from work Monday-Thursday. We had a big weekend planned. She and another bridesmaid were supposed to stay at our house for the weekend. I told her that I didn't feel comfortable seeing her due to us trying to get pregnant. I couldn't risk getting the swine flu. She got really mad at me and wrote a crazy email. It somewhat blew over and another weekend was planned. Then, her FSIL screwed that one up.

Fast Forward to Thanksgiving - she and her FI came to my in-laws that weekend. I find out that part of the reason she went BSC on me was that she hates her FI's work schedule. They had a big fight the night I told her that I couldn't risk getting the swine flu. We had a great time that weekend. Everything seemed fine.

When I called her on Monday to tell her that I was pregnant, she was less than enthused. She almost sounded disappointed. Then, she brought up us coming to the city for NYE and that they are probably hanging out with FSIL and her DH. I said that I wasn't sure due to DH traveling a lot of the week and how tired I have been. She gets even more down. DH and I had both lived in big cities for awhile. We made the choice to move away from them for a reason. We are just over it. On the weekend, the last thing we want to do is go to SF and deal with the craziness. I really don't want to do anything big on NYE due to not drinking and just generally being really tired. Plus I really don't want to spend the night on a couch.

I feel like she is mad at me for getting pregnant, and even before that for getting married and putting my husband/us first. She is very much not ready to have kids/unsure if she ever will. She even told her FSIL (who is 32) that she has to wait to get pregnant. (And yes, I told her she was being really rude.)

I love her. She is like a sister to me. However, I feel like she expects our relationship to stay the same forever. DH said he will rally and go to SF for NYE because he knows she really wants to see me. I told him that I just don't want to go there but that they are more than welcome to come here. We have 2 extra bedrooms with actual beds. I know she is going to decline and then blame us not seeing each other on me.

I feel like I am being punished for going on with my life. My husband and our relationship comes first. She is getting married soon, shouldn't she understand this? What would you do?

notquiteblushing · December 2009

That sucks but I so know what you mean about not wanting to be pressured into having to go out, especially on New Year's, just because your friends still think we're in college. I was actually forced to do car bombs a few days ago and my body is still mad at me.

And sleeping on a couch isn't my idea of a good time and I'm not even pregnant. Just say no. Put your foot down.

In all serious though, this happens between friends. I think if you tell her that she is more than welcome to come see you guys for NYE but that you aren't up for traveling she will know that you can't be pressured into doing things just to please her. It might take her a while to come to terms with the fact that you're not in the same exact place in your life as she is, but hopefully she will.

Button5807 · December 2009

I can't really say it better than NQB did.

It sucks though being in that situation. I'm currently in the limbo where I don't really want to hang out with my single friends because they're still acting like they are in college and my married friends either have kids and are busy or don't seem to find their single friends relatable anymore. It's kind of lonely...

pinkpinot · December 2009

A friend of mine is a few weeks pregnant and SO tired she can't even make it through the day without a nap and also sick all.the.time. Your friend should be more understanding and it sucks she isn't.

Do what you want for NYE, enjoy the last one before you become a mommy :-).

**Mutley** · December 2009

Pink, I am not quite sure why they call it 'morning' sickness. Tell your friend that it is better if you eat small meals every 2 hours or so. I keep saltines on hand when I leave the house. Just a couple of them and the queasiness subsides.

Thanks for the replies. I was starting to wonder if I was being selfish.

hetshup · December 2009

I wonder if this has something to do with the speed of your relationship, she may still be adjusting to it. She might be thinking, well, next year they won't be able to come b\c there will be a baby so hopefully we can have one last blowout before the baby comes. I know you are hurt about her not being happy, but likely she is still adjusting. Give her some time to come around and learn to accept your new relationship dynamics. As for NYE, I understand her wanting you to come there, SF during new Years is super exciting, nuts but exciting. I personally am not so much for the insanity, but i see their point of view.

I also wonder if you have some anger towards her about not being as excited as you would like about the baby. In my family (it may be the Danish in us) we tend to be very reserved until things are a little more concrete. I am happy for my preggo friends, but I don't get REALLY excited until 2nd trimester. Just some food for thought.

Oh and I am happy to hear you are so tired and feeling sick, those are both great signs.

jeanacorina · December 2009

It's sometimes hard for friendships to change when they are really old. My best friend from high school and I are not as close as we once were, mostly because she got a divorce and reverted to acting like she did when we were 15. Boy-crazy, going out to bars (well, that wasn't like 15, but still), irresponsible, immature.

It was fine in high school, but I just didn't see how our friendship could remain as close as it was when I disagreed with everything she did and did NOT want to spend 2 hours talking to her about all the guys she was sleeping with.

It's sad, because we were friends for like 10 years. But friendships have to evolve or they just fizzle out. I am settling down for probably the first time in my life. I used to move all over the country, date a lot of guys, and do things on the spur of the moment. But I found FI, and we're happy, and now that I'm happy I want to stay that way. She doesn't want to slow down, and I don't want to be an insane person. We're just different.

Try not to let her drama get to you. You SHOULD be putting your marriage and pregnancy first. You're stable, happy, and pursuing your goals. She has different ones. It's not bad, but it may mean that you guys have a harder time staying close. It happens.

**Mutley** · December 2009

Hetchup, what do you mean by speed of relationship? Do you mean getting pregnant 2 months after being married? Or going from meeting to married in a year and a half?
I would be quite intrigued if this was part of her problem considering she met her current FI about 3 weeks after ending her 1st engagement and was talking to me about engagement rings a couple of months later. While it hurt that she isn't excited, I am not mad at her. This week has just been more of the same when it comes to her attitude towards me and my choices.

I guess I am just tired of having to be the understanding one all the freaking time.
I understand she finally moved away from 'home' and to a big, new city.
I understand that she is not ready for kids. That doesn't mean that I have to wait for her.
I understand that we are at different points in our lives but I don't think it is that drastic.
I understand that her in-laws suck monkey balls and mine don't. That doesn't mean she gets to glom on to all of our holidays.
I understand that she wants to continue to work for a long time. That doesn't mean that I have to have a burning desire to work.

Typing all of that out. Maybe I am a little mad, but the pregnancy unexcitement is not part of it.

**Mutley** · December 2009

Exactly, Jeanna. I am willing to put in the work to make our friendship work because at her heart she is not a bad friend. However, it is getting increasinly difficult when I am made to feel like a bad person for having my priorities in line.

And deep down, it makes me wonder about her relationship. He should come before me. And right now, I don't think that is the case.

Ana_2985 · December 2009

If I were you, I would just keep doing what you are doing. Make the decisions that are best for you. You are absolutely not wrong to feel that you shouldn't have to put your life on hold until she is ready to "catch up" with you.

When you talk to her again, just tell her what you told us - that you would really like to spend time with her, but right now the best option for you and your husband would be to stay closer to home.

And maybe once your body gets used to being pregnant and you start to feel better you could try visiting her for the bridesmaid weekend thing again. It will probably help her feel like you are still a part of each other's lives even though they are different right now.

Ana_2985 · December 2009

Also- I bet you're right about the real problem being about something else in her life. Whether it's her relationship or family, like you mentioned.

My sister had a job, was married, and was 9 months pregnant before I got engaged or finished school. So we clearly aren't in the same place in our lives right now. But I don't think we've ever been closer to each other than we are now.

It just seems like something is up for her to be so weird considering you've been friends for so long. But you know that already.

hetshup · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-ventget-advice-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:25e5b48a-4b4f-46b0-8ac4-fcf73541c2f7Post:127e59b7-fea4-45b5-909a-927c537bc9ba">Re: Need to Vent/Get Advice - very long</a>:
[QUOTE]Hetchup, what do you mean by speed of relationship? Do you mean getting pregnant 2 months after being married? Or going from meeting to married in a year and a half? I would be quite intrigued if this was part of her problem considering she met her current FI about 3 weeks after ending her 1st engagement and was talking to me about engagement rings a couple of months later. While it hurt that she isn't excited, I am not mad at her. This week has just been more of the same when it comes to her attitude towards me and my choices. I guess I am just tired of having to be the understanding one all the freaking time. I understand she finally moved away from 'home' and to a big, new city. I understand that she is not ready for kids. That doesn't mean that I have to wait for her. I understand that we are at different points in our lives but I don't think it is that drastic. I understand that her in-laws suck monkey balls and mine don't. That doesn't mean she gets to glom on to all of our holidays. I understand that she wants to continue to work for a long time. That doesn't mean that I have to have a burning desire to work. Typing all of that out. Maybe I am a little mad, but the pregnancy unexcitement is not part of it.
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]

Well, the whole thing. You had a friendship dynamic that was one way, after 15 years, in the span of two years you went from single in the city to meeting a guy to engaged to married to having a baby on the way. I don't really know either of you, but that's really a lot in a very short time frame. She sounds like she's just not there, and while you and all of us understand that's fine, she may think that she needs to be in the same emotional space as you. It may be that she feels that you are growing apart and it scares her. Maybe she's jealous.

In any case, she's being pretty selfish, b\c your life is no longer just you and hubby. She should understand that, but if she recently moved out, she might be a little immature. You need to do what's best for you. I hope that helps

desertsun · December 2009

You're both going through some major life events. A lot of times, I feel like these type of events don't coincide, so friends get used to focusing on one person for a while, and then switching to the other. You're kind of both in the spotlight right now though, if you know what I mean? You both need to be able to split your focus from time to time so that you're both giving each other what you need.

Keep in mind that people are different, have different priorities, deal with things differently, etc. Be understanding and respectful of each other's differences. Communicate about what you need from each other.

Basically, reaffirm the importance of your relationship to each other and make sure you're making time for each other, but also being flexible and understanding. TALK to each other openly, honestly, respectfully.

All relationships are work, not just romantic relationships. Sometimes we have to be able to shift our focus for a little while when someone needs us.

Hope this helps. Keep us updated, please!

pinkpinot · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-ventget-advice-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:25e5b48a-4b4f-46b0-8ac4-fcf73541c2f7Post:734930aa-aae2-4aff-8eaa-77dbd0d6efe6">Re: Need to Vent/Get Advice - very long</a>:
[QUOTE]Pink, I am not quite sure why they call it 'morning' sickness. Tell your friend that it is better if you eat small meals every 2 hours or so. I keep saltines on hand when I leave the house. Just a couple of them and the queasiness subsides. Thanks for the replies. I was starting to wonder if I was being selfish.
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]

My friend said the exact same thing because she is so sick all day/night. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll pass it along to her.

I don't think you're being selfish at all. I honestly don't understand people, like your friend that take things SO personally. Get a real problem! I do mean that in the nicest way possible to your friend
<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

ashleyjo09 · December 2009

I agree with hetshup. I have a friend who is very much like this and it sucks! We were inseparable in college and now that we've graduated and are at different points in life, we aren't nearly as close. It hurts because every time I make the effort to drive 2 hours to see her or give her a call, she either bails on me or doesn't call me back. And god forbid she return the favor to visit/call me on her own. I understand that Grad. school is stressful and it's obviously not going to be like old times, but I thought our friendship was more than just convenience. I've come to learn that loyal/true friends are few and far between.

You're completely right to think about your FAMILY (aka hubby and baby!) before committing to have a "wild" evening in SF with your friend. Even if she is engaged to be married, you definitely are at different points in your life and you will grow apart. All you can do is try and stay friends until she catches up, so to speak. She actual could be jealous of your relationship or unhappy with some current situation in her life and just want to go back to the way things were before you grew up!

Just continue to try and be her friend and let the rest work itself out.

Good luck and remember, you've always got your BEST friend (hubby) by your side.

desertsun · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-ventget-advice-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:25e5b48a-4b4f-46b0-8ac4-fcf73541c2f7Post:b6ec94b7-36fd-4855-bf72-c8b172e7261f">Re: Need to Vent/Get Advice - very long</a>:
[QUOTE] In any case, she's being pretty selfish, b\c your life is no longer just you and hubby. She should understand that, but if she recently moved out, she might be a little immature. You need to do what's best for you. I hope that helps
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

I think that if you're truly interested in maintaining the relationship, it shouldn't be about who's in the "right," who's being "selfish," etc.

Just figure out what you both need to do so you both feel good about the relationship. Compromise and trying to remain nonjudgmental are important to achieving that.

**Mutley** · December 2009

Thanks for all of the responses.

We had a decent talk a little bit ago. It was a step in the right direction. I think that time and adjusting to the new scenario is part of it all. She is checking with her FI because she doesn't know if he has already made concrete plans with his sister and BIL. Either way, we are going to make plans for one of the next couple of weekends.

She admitted that she is having a hard time with me being pregnant but followed that up with that she knows it is what I want in life and that she is happy for me.

jeanacorina · December 2009

Sometimes it's just hard to accept that the people we love are experiencing things without us.

Sometimes it's hard to understand why they'd want to.

Maybe she's feeling left in your dust. Maybe inviting her to take part in some normal things along with pregnancy-related things would show her that not only are you still yourself, but you want to share this new chapter of your life with her, not leave her behind.

Good luck. I'm sure you'll get it all figured out.

katanne9 · December 2009

Sorry Mutley, that's a crappy situation. You are a newlywed and newly-pregnant! You're not being selfish at all. Besides, sleeping on couches gets old after you're... 16. I agree with PP. She is probably struggling to relate to where your life has taken you and maybe she's concerning that since things are changing so much for you that your relationship will change too. Even though she's being rude, maybe she just needs some confirmation from you in your friendship (which does NOT mean you have to hang out on NYE, but maybe you can do something else soon together). If she's a friend worth keeping, it might be worth it to stick it out. Eventually she will come around.

oceana919 · January 2010

I'm a little behind on joining the conversation, but I figured I'd throw my two-cents in anyways...

I don't think you're being selfish. You and your husband worked long and hard (hehehe wink wink) to start a family, and right now, you're a) feeling the effects of the first trimester, and b) are just getting to enjoy the first few days of knowing you're pregnant. I don't blame you for wanting to curl up with your hubby and have a quiet night.

Yes, your life has changed dramatically in the last two years, and your friend may be having a difficult time coming to terms with it. However, if she's a true friend, she will do just that - come to terms with it. While you need to give her time and patience when it comes to this situation and her adjustment to it, she also needs to lend you a bit of understanding and patience herself.

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