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Etiquette

Wedding vs. Celebration

FI and I are looking at a health situation which may cause us to decide to run to the courthouse for our wedding instead of waiting for the party we're planning for 8/4... The issue is that we will not necessarily know what we will be choosing to do before we send out invitations. I know we need to be upfront with our guests if the wedding celebration essentially becomes a VR, so how do we address that down the road if it does become reality?
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Re: Wedding vs. Celebration

  • You're just going to have to wait until the last possible moment to send out invitations or face the possibility of running out of time and not doing the JOP. I definitely wouldn't suggest sending out the invitations as normal wedding invitations and then later deciding to be married early, because that would be deceitful. If you do get married first, use PPs' wording for the VR. If you don't get married by the time you send out invitations, then I'd say you're stuck and you'll have to wait.

    I'm sorry about your health issues. :(
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  • SnippylynnSnippylynn member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2012
    In Response to Re:Wedding vs. Celebration:
    [QUOTE]I think you need to decide before you send out invites, personally. I would be fine getting an invite to a reception after the couple had a private ceremony earlier, especially in a case like this. But if you send out wedding invites and then announcements later saying you got married already, you're going to owe your guests some sort of explanation and some may be offended, regardless of your good reason. Also, if you go ahead and get married now, I would cancel the ceremony and just have a reception. That will be something you'll want to do sooner rather than later to save as much money as possible.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
    I agree with all of this. Also, typical 'celebration' stuff applies.  No bridal party, no wedding dress, no tuxes, etc.
  • To clarify, we are planning to wait as long as possible to get necessary answers before sending invitations out... But if the week after they get mailed we are told FI needs brain surgery, we will not put off the surgery and we will want to be married before it. I'm really wanting to know how to deal with that situation. Our VIPs know about this scare, but we don't want to put the health issues out there to worry others... If the celebration becomes a VR, the surgery would be obvious if we are able to even attend, and then it would not be such a big deal that it's 'common knowledge.'
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  • I would do what others have said.  Ceremonies are easy to cancel, receptions aren't.  So go ahead with your plans.  I would wait until 6 weeks out to send invitations, and if you just send them to your reception, that's fine.  Like others said, you don't get the white dress, wedding party, etc. 
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    Is your ceremony and reception already scheduled to be in the same place? Or are they in different spots?

    If you do send out invitations and then you end up needing to be married before the date, you could just send out a card to everyone with the "B&G were married in a private ceremony" wording and then people will just show up to a reception instead of a ceremony. If they're scheduled to be in different places that gets a little trickier because given the short timeline you'll probably need to personally contact everyone to be sure they understand the change -- you don't want anyone to show up at the church only to have nothing going on!

    Lizzie
  • If you send out wedding invitations, then decide to get married in a private ceremony before the planned wedding date, you could always send out postcards saying something like "Because of unforeseen circumstances, the bride and groom were wed in a private ceremony on DATE.  We hope you will still join us to celebrate our recent marriage on ORIGINAL WEDDING DATE at RECEPTION LOCATION at RECEPTION TIME."  Then, skip the vow renewal - you'll have been married at most 6 weeks by that point, it'll look really silly to be "renewing" vows that are only a few weeks old.

    I'd definitely make sure to reiterate on the postcard that the reception is still happening - otherwise, guests might mistakenly assume the reception's been cancelled if you just tell them "hey, we're already married."
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  • In Response to Re:Wedding vs. Celebration:[QUOTE]Is your ceremony and reception already scheduled to be in the same place? Or are they in different spots?If you do send out invitations and then you end up needing to be married before the date, you could just send out a card to everyone with the "Bamp;G were married in a private ceremony" wording and then people will just show up to a reception instead of a ceremony. If they're scheduled to be in different places that gets a little trickier because given the short timeline you'll probably need to personally contact everyone to be sure they understand the change you don't want anyone to show up at the church only to have nothing going on! Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE] Thank you! It's all in the same place at my parents' lake house, so they can even entertain everyone and just host a fun party if we're in hospital or something. I'm just mentally and emotionally all over the place with this, so your suggestion is really reassuring in my mental list of backup plans for all potential outcomes. I really appreciate everyone's help in this, I know I'm having a total special snowflake moment!
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2012
    In Response to Re:Wedding vs. Celebration:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Wedding vs. Celebration: Thank you! It's all in the same place at my parents' lake house, so they can even entertain everyone and just host a fun party if we're in hospital or something. I'm just mentally and emotionally all over the place with this, so your suggestion is really reassuring in my mental list of backup plans for all potential outcomes. I really appreciate everyone's help in this, I know I'm having a total special snowflake moment!
    Posted by Jenni8412[/QUOTE]

    That sounds like it will work out just fine then -- you have enough to worry about; don't let it be this stuff!
    Lizzie
  • Good point! I feel bad about the possibility of letting down some of our family members with expectations of the wedding, and want them to still have a chance to celebrate. Thank you!
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  • In Response to Re:Wedding vs. Celebration:
    [QUOTE]Good point! I feel bad about the possibility of letting down some of our family members with expectations of the wedding, and want them to still have a chance to celebrate. Thank you!
    Posted by Jenni8412[/QUOTE]

    I'm usually so anti-special-snowflake it's ridiculous, but honestly, "we'd like to be married before FI's brain surgery" sounds perfectly rational to me, and I imagine your friends and family will completely understand.  Sending positive vibes your way - I hope everything works out for your guys!
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  • OP, I think the PPs have given great advice -- I think it's completely okay for you to have the ceremony before the surgery if needed, and send out the postcard or whatever letting your guests know that the party is still happening.

    I'm so sorry that you have to be worrying about this. My best friend's husband will be having his second brain surgery this year in just a couple weeks. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it.
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  • In Response to Re:Wedding vs. Celebration:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Wedding vs. Celebration:I'm usually so antispecialsnowflake it's ridiculous, but honestly, "we'd like to be married before FI's brain surgery" sounds perfectly rational to me, and I imagine your friends and family will completely understand. Sending positive vibes your way I hope everything works out for your guys! Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE] Thank you! I thought we had enough potential trainwreck stress living out of a hotel, trying to sell one house while buying another, following FI's job and me hunting for a new job, while planning longdistance. This is putting it all in perspective! I honestly can't put into words how grateful I am for the support of our families, but I also really appreciate the kind words and help here to ease my mind.
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  • In Response to Re:Wedding vs. Celebration:[QUOTE]I'm so sorry that you have to be worrying about this. My best friend's husband will be having his second brain surgery this year in just a couple weeks. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it. Posted by tpender13[/QUOTE] Thank you, we don't have a good local support system in our new town, so I may take you up on that!
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  • pkontkpkontk member
    500 Comments
    PPs gave you great advice but I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you and your FI are going through this.  My FI has had a couple health scares over the past year and I cannot imagine getting to the point where he might need brain surgery.  Stay strong!
  • ginadogginadog member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    "The issue is that we will not necessarily know what we will be choosing to do before we send out invitations"

    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!

    How far apart is the date you like to send out invitation to the date you will get the necessary info about the surgery?

    If relatively close, I'd wait until getting the info.  If no surgery needed, then mail the invitations late even if it's not in the nice 6-8 week window.

    I think you're doing a great job!
  • In Response to Re: Wedding vs. Celebration:
    [QUOTE]"The issue is that we will not necessarily know what we will be choosing to do before we send out invitations" I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! How far apart is the date you like to send out invitation to the date you will get the necessary info about the surgery? If relatively close, I'd wait until getting the info.  If no surgery needed, then mail the invitations late even if it's not in the nice 6-8 week window. I think you're doing a great job!
    Posted by ginadog[/QUOTE]
    Hopefully, even if we cut it close, we'll have a treatment plan before I absolutely have to get invitations in the mail... but some tests have yet to be scheduled and we're 10 weeks out. At least for now I can preoccupy myself with thinking through potential plans-B, -C, and -D so I feel prepared if plan-A isn't going to feel right.

    I want to thank you especially for your kind words... I remember lurking your previous posts and running the gamut of emotions for you, but mostly admiring how strong you are.Thank you!
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  • bongebonge member
    100 Comments
    edited May 2012
    In Response to Re: Wedding vs. Celebration:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding vs. Celebration : Hopefully, even if we cut it close, we'll have a treatment plan before I absolutely have to get invitations in the mail... but some tests have yet to be scheduled and we're 10 weeks out. At least for now I can preoccupy myself with thinking through potential plans-B, -C, and -D so I feel prepared if plan-A isn't going to feel right. I want to thank you especially for your kind words... I remember lurking your previous posts and running the gamut of emotions for you, but mostly admiring how strong you are.Thank you!
    Posted by Jenni8412[/QUOTE]

    I am sure you would love things to work out so that you get married on your date etc & i do believe you are a special snowflake (no ill words meant by it) but you truely have a real reason to get married first i would just get married in the courthouse & have the reception at your parents place. This way it just takes a ton of stress off your shoulders. 
    Normal vow renewals you shouldn't have wedding elements but i would not have a vr in your case & just a celebration. I would have the cake, dj etc. Maybe no nearly as close as a wedding reception but you can have some of the things you would like. 
    Your invitations could then be informal  say due to circumstances you had to get married but are having a celebration in your honor etc etc 
    Sorry you guys are going through this. I hope it all works out for the best. 
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