Thank You Notes for Out of Town Guests Even if They didn't give a gift?

skwasniak · August 2012

It's been two months since our wedding and we have all the thank you notes for gifts mailed. However, about 50% of our guest were from out of town and spent a lot of money to get to our wedding. Many of the out of town guests did not give gifts (probably because they spent all their money on travel). I would like to send them thank you notes for making the trip. My husband thinks doing that would appear we are reminding thos people to give gifts. What would you do?

zizibet · August 2012

I'd send them. I think it's a nice gesture on your behalf, and I personally wouldn't think of it as a gift grab.

MyUserName1 · August 2012

I agree with your husband, personally. The reception is the thank you for attending.

achiduck · August 2012

I'm generally of the opinion that a TY note for someone that didn't give a gift is a reminder of that.

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

Technically, the reception is the thank you to them, and in MOST cases I agree with your husband that it can come across gift-grabby. I think, personally, my exception would be if someone traveled a long distance to come (like not a 3 hour drive but a cross-country plane flight or something). In that case I probably would write a TY note thanking them for making the trip to attend our wedding and letting them know it meant a lot that they were willing to do that. I think not sending a TY note if they did not give a gift is perfectly fine though too.

Starmusica · August 2012

I actually disagree entirely with the above posters. Yes, the reception is the traditional thank you, but if they paid money to come- I think a card is in order. You simply say something like "Thank you so much for making the trip to our wedding. It meant so much to us to have you there celebrating our special day bla bla bla." I would personally find it incredibly rude if I spent a ton of money to travel and then did not get a thank you card.

Kate61487 · August 2012

I'm with your husband; unless you had a secondary reason to send the card (like maybe giving a photo sharing site or something?) I'd find it a little awkward.

You could always just send a non-TY 'thinking of you' note or email to tell your friends and family that you enjoyed seeing them.

Kate61487 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thank-you-notes-for-out-of-town-guests-even-if-they-didnt-give-a-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d87739fe-2934-405a-8cc2-ac2024f08dd2Post:28a4b4ff-eaef-42a4-a64b-4b2db4246834">Re: Thank You Notes for Out of Town Guests Even if They didn't give a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually disagree entirely with the above posters. Yes, the reception is the traditional thank you, but if they paid money to come- I think a card is in order. You simply say something like "Thank you so much for making the trip to our wedding. It meant so much to us to have you there celebrating our special day bla bla bla." <strong>I would personally find it incredibly rude if I spent a ton of money to travel and then did not get a thank you card.
</strong>Posted by Starmusica[/QUOTE]

really? I could *maybe* see this if you traveled to another country or something, and even then only if you were an exception. You chose to travel, you benefited from it in some way (seeing family, seeing friends, mini-vacay), the bride and groom don't owe you an extra thank you for choosing to travel.

shaunajos · August 2012

I agree with starmusica. I would consider it incredibly rude if I came to a wedding and got no thank you. And I personally don't know anybody who would be offended for receiving a thank you. In fact they would probably appreciate that you took the time to thank them even if they weren't able to buy a present. I think that would be rediculous to be offended. But maybe I'm just more laid back than most.

Peledreamsofrain · August 2012

Hrm, I'm on the fence about this one. I think if the thank you note was very promptly delivered after the wedding, it would be well recieved.

However, now at the two month mark, it's kind of awkward, and looks like you're tapping your toe waiting for the gift while sending them a subtle poke.

But I think we're seeing that it's all in the eye of the beholder here.

Giaspo · August 2012

We had a few guests that didn't give gifts for different reasons (one traveled a great distance to be in our wedding, a few were/are going through financial hardship, etc.) and we sent them thank you notes. We were genuinely happy they came to our wedding and wanted them to know that. I don't think it is gift grabby if it is sincere and I would feel awkward if I singled them out and didn't send a note. I wouldn't want them to feel badly either if they found out they weren't acknowledged (ie: cousins who talk to each other and would know if one got a note and the other didn't.).

MyNameIsNot · August 2012

I agree with your husband. If I went to a wedding but couldn't give a gift, I would consider a thank you note to be a passive aggressive reminder of that, and I would be put off. Anyone who is expecting a thank you when they didn't gift anything is remiss in their etiquette.

As long as you took the time to talk to them and thank them for coming at the reception, there's no reason to send a note.

Kristin789 · August 2012

>>I would like to send them thank you notes for making the trip.

You have already thanked them.
The reception is the THANK YOU FOR ATTENDING.
You fed them and provided a big dance party, etc.
That's worth gobs more than a little TY card, and they already had this free Saturday night dinner and dance two months ago.

>>My husband thinks doing that would appear we are reminding thos people to give gifts.

Your husband is right. Get off TheKnot and go hug him for keeping you from doing something that would have made you look like a greedy bride.

FlintstonePearl · August 2012

I can understand your feelings, but I agree with your husband. Thank you notes are for gifts.

The reason guests are not obligated to write *you* a thank you note for the reception (like they would be if you hosted a regular dinner party) is becuase the reception is your expression of gratitute for their attendance at your wedding.

In my opnion, no gift = no note. Good luck!

Thank You Notes for Out of Town Guests Even if They didn't give a gift?

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