Alternating 3 families for holidays--HOW?!

kristyand · June 2010

I would love to know how you guys do this. So we have three families between the two of us. This has caused me so much stress since before we were married. Now we've made it through one year of holidays and we are still totally stressed about it and don't have any solutions.

Meet the three families:

1. My Parents--great relationship with them and they are moving before this years holidays to MI, to the same town my sister and her husband live in (very important in my and our lives)

2. Russ' Mom and Step-Dad--DRAMA, stress, not so fun, but fine people who surely love us (particularly their son) blah blah and who Russ primarily lived with along with his two younger bros post-divorce (which happened when he was 10). They live in Denver, NC.

3. Russ' Dad and Step-Mom--who moved to Las Vegas,NV about a decade ago and who Russ and his younger brothers lived with during the summer and alternating holidays growing up. They are great, they are kind, and Russ really cherishes his adult relationship with his Dad.

So here is where we are at with this. The major holidays are Thanksgiving and Christmas for us. Russ' Mom is VERY vocal about us spending the appropriate amount of time with them. She will cause a big uproar if we don't just happen to do whatever she thinks we should in her brain. See now I don't really care (even though I do and I hate dealing with her ridiculousness). Russ' Dad is more than a gentleman and never says anything and throws not seeing his boys into a bucket of guilt of having gotten divorced, and moved to NV and just puts his head down and deals. And so more often than not Russ' Dad gets skipped over as I see it and Russ' Mom wins (but thats because she has always been able to win in the guilt arena, they live with her, the boys friends were in whatever town she was in because that was where they lived, etc. etc) And truly I have always thought I would see my parents every other year for either holiday. Now we are stressed come year two of holidays about how to approach this.

So as things stand--Russ (or we) haven't spent either T or C with his Dad in Vegas for the last three years. And last year we spent Christmas with his Mom and Thanksgiving we actually made a last minute drive to see my sister.

So this year I was thinking it was my parent's year for Christmas, and that it was darn well time for Russ' Dad to have us for a holiday, so Thanksgiving.

So here is what I came up with but Russ thinks it is going to bring on WW3 if we go with what I happen to think is fair.

I think it should go:

2009

T

C His Mom

2010

T His Dad

C My Parents

2011

T My Parents

C His Dad

2012

T His Mom

C My Parents

2013

T My Parents

C His Mom

Am I insane? Is his Mom going to say my parents don't get to hold half of this and that it should all be thirds. I don't want to penalize his parents for their getting a divorce, that is not the intention. But I have always seen my parents for both holidays always, and intended to have to half it come marriage. And he has always split holidays until recently when his Mom won out more than not.

AND, he agrees my parents shouldn't be a third of this.

So, what do you do about this?

And what do you think is a good solution given our thoughts and situation?

And.. how on EARTH does this work once we have children!?!?!?!??! My great goodness. Oh and for those who don't know, last bit of info, we live in New Haven, CT so we don't see any of them on a regular basis. And we will live away from all three for at least the next 7 years as my husband is graduate student at Yale.

kristyand · June 2010

My longest post to date. Sorry ladies. Hopefully you had a cup of coffee or tea to keep you company if you actually made it through that.

Pinky09 · June 2010

I only have an answer to one of your questions. When you have children, you have family come visit YOU. Who wants to pack up the kids and be traveling from family to family. You need to start making your own tradations, and honestly I would be SUPER stressed having to deal with all those families. I would just start by switching families (like you mention) for each holiday, but honestly I would stay at home and make traditions with your DH, so when you have kids your families know to come visit you.

Sorry this is so frustraing for you. We only have 2 families, and they both live 10 mintues apart, so we all get together for the holidays. But I can not wait till we have a house and kids, because if the grandparents want to see the kids, they;re going to have to visit us. There is no way, I will be dragging my kids around the US to visit family.

kristyand · June 2010

No that is the plan, to not budge once we have small people. But the thought then of coordinating them coming to see us with NO overlap is where the stress transfers to. And truly I would love to create our own traditions around holidays, its just hard when you really do miss family and NEVER see them to take a holiday and say we are staying home for it, together, as we always are, without them.

dontworrylover · June 2010

Kristy, I really wish I could provide some helpful advice in this situation. We are extremely lucky on the family front, since neither of our families would ever guilt us about not spending a holiday with them. Plus, Brad's family is here in Charlotte so we seem them almost every week.

I totally understand not wanting to stay in CT when you have the time off together to travel. When you can only see your family once or twice a year, you want to take full advantage of that opportunity.

I really think that Russ needs to put his foot down with his mother & stop letting her dictate his holiday plans. If she's this crazy now, can you imagine how it will be when you do have kids? I know it's hard for sons to lay down the law with their moms & you have to stay out of it as much as possible...but he somehow has to tell her that his father is just as important in his life as she is.

I do think the schedule you propose is fair to your families & to you as a couple. Is there any way that you two could visit during a school break on her "off years"? Does he get a Fall or Spring break that you could use to show her that she's important?

ks3pink · June 2010

That's super crazy! Our families all live close together and I fuss every Christmas day about the stress of dragging our child around. Bad thing is I can't cook well enough to feed everyone Christmas dinner and our soon-to-be first home is definitely not big enough for everyone! Wow and GL! I like the idea of starting your own traditions btw but I would hate not being with my dad.

tarheelbabs · June 2010

It's interesting, I was just talking with a friend about this issue within the past couple of weeks. My own concern was that I am older than most of the folks that post here and the only child of an only child. Now that my father is deceased, it is very important to me not to leave my Mom alone. Fortunately, FI's family has always included her in everything, but there has been some discussion about a trip this Thanksgiving that could be difficult for her. Much easier dilemma than yours, since we're all in NC.

My friend's comment on the issue of family is that even if it's just the two of you, you are now a family, too, and that is deserving of respect. You may want to start establishing your own traditions now, even before you start having children--especially if other family members are making unreasonable demands. I suspect at some point many of us have to draw a line in the sand we might prefer not to draw.

I think it's more difficult before you have kids, especially if you have families that aren't interested in cooperating. I guess it's just the reality everyone who gets marries or is in a serious relationship faces, unless their families are willing to cooperate or live close together.

Good luck--and stick together!

ecuchika · June 2010

Ok so you have the schedule as you have listed above. Now because you prob. want to see more of your family--its not that fair to cut them down from 1/2 to a 1/3 just b/c FI's family has issues--see if they can plan a trip to come visit you when you are not able to visit with them. Or for that matter if you don't have them(any family side) scheduled in that year and they want to see you. I mean they most likly could afford it moreso than a newlywed couple with one in grad school.

I too have stressed about this..I have told FI that I would not travel like we do now once we have kids. I want them to have structure especially around the craziest time of year. We tech. have 3 families too but its my side thats split!

Ohh I grew up near Denver!!!
Both sides of my family live in Lincoln County FI family lives near Raleigh and we live in Greenville! I hate traveling all the time to visit family!

Right now FMIL and FFIL are here visiting us!

shigaites · June 2010

Growing up I had 3 sets of grandparents. We lived with my dad's parents the first 8 years of my life so that wasn't so much an issue. When to came to visiting with my mom's side of the family though, it usually just came down to money. They never came out and visited us, which I guess was pretty unfair of them now that I think about it since they were both well off and my parents didn't have money. So that said we saw my grandmother a lot because she lived in SC, especially once we moved to NC, and I have only visited my grandfather a grand total of 4 times in my life because he lives in CA and that's a pain in the ass to get to.

Fast forward to now. My parents are still together and FI's parents are divorced. His mother and my parents both live in Raleigh. His father lives in Seattle and is planning on moving to Alaska! FI is pretty upset by this since it seems to be mainly the doing of his step-mother.

We've been really hemming and hawing about how to handle the holidays, but to be honest we haven't given much consideration to how his dad will fit into the schedule. It's not that he has a bad relationship with his father, but flying out to Alaska isn't cheap! And his step-mother being the biatch she is has pretty much flat out said they won't ever come out to NC to visit us, which is bs if you ask me. So if we have the money to visit we will, but if it's financially not feasible for us we're not going to overly worry about it.

I think if you take that approach, people should be understanding of that. "We want to do Christmas in Vegas this year because we haven't been able to afford it in three years but have been saving up for the chance!" or something like that. His mom can throw a fit all she wants but she's an adult and can get over it imo.

ANSchick08 · June 2010

DH and I don't really have that problem since both of our family live 5 min from each other (in Lincoln county, crazy ecuchika!). We just go see each family on the same day. But if it was up to DH's mother (who, along with the rest of his family dislikes me with a passion) we'd spend all day of every holiday with her.

If I were you, I would come up with a schedule with DH like you did, and inform all the parents of it now. If they don't like it they can throw a fit now and hopefully they'll get over it by the time the holidays get here. I think the scedule you listed above is fair and like previous posters have said, if some of the parents want more time with you, they can make a trip to see you on a different holiday. Or if YOU want, take a 3rd trip on a less important holiday, and you can add that holiday to the rotation each year. But definitely base it on your preferences, not theirs.

CJ4578 · June 2010

Babs, your situation sounds a bit similar to mine- my mom (divorced, I don't see my dad too much), and all FI's family live here in NC so we just try to do things with all of them (since his parents are divorce but they get along... sort of.)

Kristy, I totally feel your pain though. FI's mom is very demanding about "the schedule" that she and her ex worked out for the holidays between the two of them 15 years ago. No one seems willing to say "okay well we could relax on the schedule since all the kids are adults now." So, even though it's just "easy" for my mom to come to everything and us to go by their schedule, I feel like I'm losing out on my traditions simply because I "only" have two people in my family. I've really tried to just be a sport about it, but next year when we're married we've discussed just deciding that we'll do xmas eve at our house, anyone who wants to can come, and we'll do xmas (and drag my mom) at his mom's and then his dad's (they split the day into "opening presents time" with one parent and then "xmas dinner" with the other. It rotates every year. Lots of driving for us.) To top it off we're planning on moving out of state for FI's residency so... not sure how that's going to work out.

I guess that's not really advice, just sympathy! I agree with the previous poster, you and Russ decide on your schedule (maybe include a holiday at home with just you as well, that's totally fine I think!) and let them know that they are free to visit you during other times of the year. You two are your family now.

kristyand · June 2010

Just so you all know, I am reading all these posts and thank you for your replies.

I do totally value the thought of having a holiday to ourselves and establishing our own traditions but we really do WANT to be with family. That is until we have our own small people. Then they can come. So the stress really is around the schedule.

The other thing is, truly truly we can not afford to fly the both of us at both holidays to any of these places and we did the 13 hour driving thing this past T & C to both MI and NC and it was just not pretty. So it is likely going to come down to who is generous to help, and I hate to say that I know who isn't going to and that the other two will be more than willing. And the one that wont, of course is the one that will make a fuss about it (our being selfish with our time and money)... And there is nothing Russ hates more than his Mom and Stepdad thinking he is cheap. If they ever allude to that one more time I think I'll punch them both in their faces.

CJ4578 · June 2010

Can the family come to you sometimes? That way you're not spending oodles of money on flights and such? I can understand how that would be complicated and really stressful for you to try and satisfy everyone AND make sure you don't overspend AND don't end up exhausted from being all over the place. Just a thought, we probably won't be able to do that for a while since we'll probably be doing the apartment living when we move up North, and won't be able to fit everyone.

I do like the idea of the schedule you thought out, and like a PP said, if you give it to them now it's less dicey because the holiday-tensions aren't running high like they will be starting in the fall.

Oh, and rah rah! to your last statement. It drives me up a wall when FI's parents criticize him for things like that. If he's not "cheap" he's "spending excessively for this time in his life." Just can't win.

manda4paws · June 2010

kristy, have you seen the movie four christmases??? lol

i vote book a cruise and if they want to join you then they can book the same one!!! lol

our families aren't even spread out and we were having this problem....i haven't seen my granny in years and she was put in the hospital right before the wedding. we decided to squash the family thing this year and go vist her for christmas.

my sister and her husband rotate every other year with the families. i think you have a great and FAIR plan in place. DH's mom is a nightmare as well....down to where she seriously expected us to change our fathers day plans b/c family was coming to town. you just have to say NO....HELL NO. she is always expecting to be first and for us to drop everything for her. sorry lady, just can't happen! she may pitch a royal fit but she will get over it. just don't let her put you on a guilt trip or anything of that sort. stick with your plan and it will work out.

i don't know how it works when you have kids....i don't think MIL will be invested enough when we have kids to care. i made a joke one time about sending then there when they misbehave and she whirled around like the devil had possessed her and said "I DOUBT THAT"....and she did not crack a smile at all!!! lol

kristyand · June 2010

Even more fun, they say they will love our grandchildren but they have made it known they are not ready or wanting grandchildren any time soon. The Stepdad does not like small children. (Note she made it known she was not ready for her son to get married or to have another woman around... and we all see where we are at with those lovely sentiments.) Their dogs are their world and one of them can not be around small children so it really puts them out and they have made that known to me how stressful it is for them to put their dogs away, and then I think it is just uncomfortable because the guests with children are aware how much they are stressed about their dogs comfort. It just really goes on and on. And then, we have to deal with this seemingly nice, caring, loving person. There is nothing worse than a half crazy person. I would rather her just be all out nuts so we could be like you are going crazy over this issue but thats okay because everyone sees it and we can justify it because you ARE crazy. But she is only like half crazy, and the other half nice and normal. Or maybe she isn't nice, maybe she just used to be, and she is pretty and lives in a nice home so maybe I just think she is nice enough. I am rambling.

Continued thanks for your thoughts.

BridgeFright · June 2010

I'll admit I didn't read all the replies to this because they were all pretty lengthy, so if this has been posted before, sorry.

Have you thought about doing Thanksgiving/Christmas prior to the actual holiday with one of the families? My family has grown so large that we actually do Christmas with my Grandmother on the Sunday before Christmas Day. This way, everyone gets together without having to worry about rushing off some place else or having to choose where to spend the holiday. It's relieved a lot of stress from our family gatherings.

Alternating 3 families for holidays--HOW?!

Re: Alternating 3 families for holidays--HOW?!

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