Discord in the WP

PinkSapphires · August 2010

MOH, here. I am trying to make the best of a very bad situation within the BP (as usual, is made up of friends from several different circles in the brides life). At the bachelorette party two groups of friends which don't get along for petty reasons got into some really mean and upsetting words, and fighting back and forth. Both groups thought the other was being rude and giving attitude, creating a vicious cycle that built up over the evening. I did not know this was going on during the evening. I'm now trying to deal with the aftermath as a neutral third party (I'm not from either circle of friends involved in the dispute)

Everyone is trying to move on and put it past them, but unfortunately, the bride was clued into the drama before it was smoothed over. She is extremely upset with what happened between her friends and is so torn. She is terribly afraid of something happening at the wedding

I've addressed all the bridesmaids to get it out in the open that this happened, and that everyone has to be civil to each other and focus on our friend, the bride. People are apologizing to the bride for causing problems, and no one wants anything similar to happen at the wedding. All are agreed on that.

I guess my question is, are there any suggestions on what can I/we do to ease the bride's fears about any further drama, and soften the knowledge that her closest friends don't get along? I'm really at a lose for what to do. Thanks

bablingbrooke · August 2010

These are adults (supposedly). They have all realized they acted inappropriately and have apologized for it. Short of giving "time outs" at the reception, I don't see what else you can do. She needs to trust them to behave like grown-ups, and they need to deliver. Since no one wants to start drama at the wedding, hopefully they will all realize they have a part to play in making sure that it stays peaceful. You might also point out to the bride that even if something does happen, she's very unlikely to notice it since she'll be pulled in a million different directions.

I also wonder if alcohol loosened some tongues at the bach party and caused the drama? Seems like the same level of drinking wouldn't necessarily go on at the wedding. That should also give everyone some reason to relax.

Basically, I don't think it's appropriate for you to get involved at all and the bride can and should realize that they've realized their stupidity and have vowed not to let it happen again. In my book that needs to count for something. No need to keep bringing it up. It's only going to make things worse. She should accept the apology and move on. And you, MOH, are not the mediator here. Stay out of it.

mbcdefg · August 2010

I would not get involved, and try to put it behind all of you.

If something happens at the wedding, I don't think it's unreasonable of you to take someone aside and get them away from the situation. But hopefully, unless these girls are all total pieces of trash, they will be civil to each other for the bride's sake, or at least ignore each other.

If a big fight happens that's out of your control, have a staff member escort the troublemakers out.

C*Mia · August 2010

Only get involved unless someone drags you into it kicking and screaming. let the little girls handle their fights and if they can't fix it then its the bride that should be the referee she is the one who brought them all together not you.

mbcdefg · August 2010

The bride doesn't even need to be the referee. If these girls are fighting on the wedding day, the bride has every right to tell them to sit in the audience as guests (or leave the premises entirely, if she's had it with the friendships), but it's not up to her to settle arguments between the bridesmaids.

cmmosley81 · August 2010

DITTO PP These ladies should be able to work it out and know thier place. However if you are in a conversation with them and it is brought up I think simply stating that this isnt about them it is about your bride and we all need to be friendly to each other no matter what if we really care about our friend.

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_discord-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7e3387a0-07cd-44b3-a17b-353b08719113Post:75f05385-b17c-46dc-92f5-615fadf441b6">Discord in the WP</a>:
[QUOTE]MOH, here. I am trying to make the best of a very bad situation within the BP (as usual, is made up of friends from several different circles in the brides life). At the bachelorette party two groups of friends which don't get along for petty reasons got into some really mean and upsetting words, and fighting back and forth. Both groups thought the other was being rude and giving attitude, creating a vicious cycle that built up over the evening. I did not know this was going on during the evening. I'm now trying to deal with the aftermath as a neutral third party (I'm not from either circle of friends involved in the dispute) Everyone is trying to move on and put it past them, but unfortunately, the bride was clued into the drama before it was smoothed over. She is extremely upset with what happened between her friends and is so torn. She is terribly afraid of something happening at the wedding :'( I've addressed all the bridesmaids to get it out in the open that this happened, and that everyone has to be civil to each other and focus on our friend, the bride. People are apologizing to the bride for causing problems, and no one wants anything similar to happen at the wedding. All are agreed on that. I guess my question is, are there any suggestions on what can I/we do to ease the bride's fears about any further drama, and soften the knowledge that her closest friends don't get along? I'm really at a lose for what to do. Thanks
Posted by PinkSapphires[/QUOTE]

It's kind of far fetched to say that an altercation between bm's that happened at a bachelorette (were they likely drunk?) that something would happen at the wedding. Think about it. The bachelorette just consisted of the bm's and were peers of each other.. do you really think they will act the same way in front of the brides's parents or grandparents or the priest or the dj etc? Likely, they will feel like a fool in front of all those people.. and I don't think they would want to be put on the spot like that in front of everyone and appear to be trashy.

Okay so you said you addressed all the bridesmaids and all agreed that they will try to NOT let anything like this happen again. You said everyone agreed that they wouldn't want something to happen at the wedding. Therefore, there is nothing more you can do. You did what you could. Just trust them that they will act like grown ups at a family related event of the bride.

Your thinking too much into this. Most spats between bm's are not done publicly at the wedding in front of all family and friends. It's likely you are overreacting a little. or try to convince the bride that she is overreacting a little bit too and she can't control every little thing such as little spats between her bm's

mbcdefg · August 2010

Also, if the bride is talking with you about how upset she is with all this (I wouldn't bring it up with her if I were you, but by all means provide a shoulder to cry on if you wish) ... I would gently remind her that just because the BMs are friends with HER doesn't mean that they need to be friends with each other.

If these girls are from different groups of friends, then they will likely never speak to each other again after the wedding ... even if they hadn't been fighting. The BMs don't all need to become a group of buddies. They're there because of their friendship with the bride, and that's all. If they happen to make friends as a result, awesome, but that doesn't happen all that often.

PinkSapphires · August 2010

Great advice ladies, thank you. I was brought into it because the groom asked me to discuss the situation with the BMs when he saw how upset the bride was...

I don't know if apologies will be extended between the groups, but as long as the bride is assured by them that they have moved on, and nothing even remotely similar will happen at the wedding, then I agree, that seems to be the best we can do. Hopefully this won't seem so bad in the next couple of weeks.

Thank you again!

bablingbrooke · August 2010

If the bride is still THIS upset (weeks? days?) after the party, someone (her FI or you, but preferably FI) needs to tell her to get over it. Maybe not so bluntly as I'm saying it, but really she does need to get over it. If she insists on dragging it out, she's going to turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can't enjoy your own wedding if you've worked yourself into a fit, and it sounds like that's what she's doing.

Of course I don't know if this party happened two months ago or last weekend. If the latter I'd see if she's still upset in a week (she shouldn't be).

PinkSapphires · August 2010

It only has been a couple of days, and the wedding is next weekend. I'm hoping that time makes it a little easier, and that the BM settle down as well...

bablingbrooke · August 2010

In that case, I think she'll find the hustle and bustle of the wedding, the relatives, the last-minute to-dos will all blur this from her mind and it won't bother her anymore.

PinkSapphires · August 2010

Thank you :-)

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