Small wedding, Rude family

Mrs Bunnie · October 2010

I'm having a very small wedding, only immediate family and a few very close friends.

As such, I did not invite my sister's boyfriend, and now she and my mother are angry at me. Oh and her boyfriend also.

I explained to her why, and I even sent him a card explaining it to him and letting him know there were no hard feelings. I also told them both that no one was bringing a date, that only spouses were included in the invites.

Am I wrong here?

laurenclaire1386 · October 2010

Some people will say it depends on how long they've been together and how serious they are but I say yes, you are wrong. It's your sister. She has a significant other. Would it have totally ruined your day to have him there? I get wanting a small intimage wedding, but I also get doing things to appease your immediate family and maintaining good relationships with your siblings. I loathe my brother's best friend, but my brother asked politely if I would please invite him, so I did.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:9e63cd35-a464-426e-bebe-de7565b83c5b">Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm having a very small wedding, only immediate family and a few very close friends. As such, I did not invite my sister's boyfriend, and now she and my mother are angry at me. Oh and her boyfriend also. I explained to her why, and I even sent him a card explaining it to him and letting him know there were no hard feelings. I also told them both that no one was bringing a date, that only spouses were included in the invites. <strong>Am I wrong here?</strong>
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]

Yes, you owe them an apology.

WildRumpus · October 2010

Ditto Lauren. This is your sister, not a random cousin twice removed. Is one more person, especially your sister's boyfriend really going to bust the budget?

lauralaur · October 2010

Look at it this way, this dude could be your brother-in-law someday, you never know? Plus, think back to when you first met your fi and first started feeling included in his family, didn't it feel nice to feel like part of his family? (this is assuming of course, that you like your future in laws, you may not).

Mrs Bunnie · October 2010

Well to add clarification, they've only been together for a few months, and he's married and not yet divorced.

I don't particularly care for having someone at the wedding that may not be around in a few months, hence my reasoning for not inviting him.

It was very difficult for us to make the list 30 people, and I would think that a sister would be willing to not have her new boyfriend there if it allows her to invite her fiancée's niece or your own best friend.

Mrs Bunnie · October 2010

Honestly, I told my mother that if the shoe were on the other foot, I would completely understand my BF not being invited.

WildRumpus · October 2010

I still don't know that my oppinion has changed. Sorry. She's still your sister, and he's still someone important to her.

MyNameIsNot · October 2010

You are wrong. A few months is long enough.

You don't have to approve of the relationship, but you should treat your sister with the minimum amount of common decency.

Suck it up, acknowledge your mistake, and figure out how to fix it.

laurenclaire1386 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:ec36e666-9d88-4344-82e6-73a483426679">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Well to add clarification</strong>, they've only been together for a few months, and he's married and not yet divorced. I don't particularly care for having someone at the wedding that may not be around in a few months, hence my reasoning for not inviting him. It was very difficult for us to make the list 30 people, and I would think that a sister would be willing to not have her new boyfriend there if it allows her to invite her fiancée's niece or your own best friend.
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]
You can clarify all you want, but I seriously doubt it will change anyone's opinion on this. Also? His marital status isn't really any of your business. It's your sister's business. And why must the guestlist be exactly 30 people? Budget? Venue? What?I know you said "small and intimate" but seriously, if you can afford it, and there's space for his ass, he needs to be invited.

ggirl2001 · October 2010

I don't often post here but I have to on this one. I was not invited to my fiance's sister's wedding.. and we were already engaged. It caused a lot of problems. Invite him. You don't know how serious it's going to be or not, however it can cause problems in your relationship with your sister. At one point, my FI offered to me that he woudldn't go to the wedding, however I did not want to cause problems in that sense. I did let it go, and my fiance did not really bring it up to his family (my decision, I hate family drama), however your family did and notified you that they were upset. it's one thing to not allow guests that are single to not bring a date, but a whole other thing when the guests are in a relationship and it's your sister.

Mrs Bunnie · October 2010

Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I do appreciate it.

Personally I feel like it's a wedding for me and my fiancée and we would like people to be there we are close to. Neither of us are close to her boyfriend, and I think that as we are paying for everything, and not our families, that it's rude of my sister and mother to get angry over anyone who is or is not invited.

The reason it's 30 is because that's exactly what we budgeted for and we can not do more than 30. It was wrenchingly difficult just to get the list down to 30, and a number of people we both love were not invited to the wedding, and all of them are being gracious and understanding about it. I just think my sister and mother should be as equally gracious and understanding. It's so small, we aren't even having attendants of any sort. We aren't having a reception either. We are only having a ceremony with cake and champagne after, and then going out on the town with anyone who'd like to come.

A wedding is about the couple, not the guests. Certainly, you want your guests to be comfortable, but I don't think you should be making choices in your wedding to suit the demands of your guests. Your guests should be accommodating the Bride and Groom, it's their day after all. They are the ones spending countless hours slaving over the planning and details, all the guests have to do is show up.

Now I did try to be nice to my sister even after they got angry at me, and invited her boyfriend to join us for the festivities after the ceremony, but I don't feel comfortable dis-inviting one of the 30 people we invited that are infinitely closer and more important to us than my sister's boyfriend just to make my sister happy.

laurenclaire1386 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:2647e6cd-ed9b-447c-8749-f5506d8172ce">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I do appreciate it. Personally I feel like it's a wedding for me and my fiancée and we would like people to be there we are close to. Neither of us are close to her boyfriend, and I think that as we are paying for everything, and not our families, that it's rude of my sister and mother to get angry over anyone who is or is not invited. The reason it's 30 is because that's exactly what we budgeted for and we can not do more than 30. It was wrenchingly difficult just to get the list down to 30, and a number of people we both love were not invited to the wedding, and all of them are being gracious and understanding about it. I just think my sister and mother should be as equally gracious and understanding. It's so small, we aren't even having attendants of any sort. We aren't having a reception either. A wedding is about the couple, not the guests. Certainly, you want your guests to be comfortable, but I don't think you should be making choices in your wedding to suit the demands of your guests<strong>. Your guests should be accommodating the Bride and Groom, it's their day after all.</strong> They are the ones spending countless hours slaving over the planning and details, all the guests have to do is show up. Now I did try to be nice to my sister even after they got angry at me, and invited her boyfriend to join us for the <strong>festivities after the ceremony,</strong> but I don't feel comfortable dis-inviting one of the 30 people we invited that are infinitely closer and more important to us than my sister's boyfriend just to make my sister happy.
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]
You are absolutely, utterly wrong about this. I'm sorry. I know you're not being extreme about it, but seriously, you'll do well to stop using the phrase "their day" and "our day." Yes, you are getting married and there's nothing wrong with wanting what you want, but is it worth pissing your sister off in the process? Clearly you've made up your mind and nothing we say could possibly change it, so why ask?

And "festivities after the ceremony" are generally called receptions. What festivities will you and your wedding guests be participating in?

smokeybailey · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:2647e6cd-ed9b-447c-8749-f5506d8172ce">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I do appreciate it. Personally I feel like it's a wedding for me and my fiancée and we would like people to be there we are close to. Neither of us are close to her boyfriend, and I think that as we are paying for everything, and not our families, that it's rude of my sister and mother to get angry over anyone who is or is not invited. The reason it's 30 is because that's exactly what we budgeted for and we can not do more than 30. It was wrenchingly difficult just to get the list down to 30, and a number of people we both love were not invited to the wedding, and all of them are being gracious and understanding about it. I just think my sister and mother should be as equally gracious and understanding. It's so small, we aren't even having attendants of any sort. We aren't having a reception either. We are only having a ceremony with cake and champagne after, and then going out on the town with anyone who'd like to come. A wedding is about the couple, not the guests. Certainly, you want your guests to be comfortable, but I don't think you should be making choices in your wedding to suit the demands of your guests. Your guests should be accommodating the Bride and Groom, it's their day after all. They are the ones spending countless hours slaving over the planning and details, all the guests have to do is show up. Now I did try to be nice to my sister even after they got angry at me, and invited her boyfriend to join us for the festivities after the ceremony, but I don't feel comfortable dis-inviting one of the 30 people we invited that are infinitely closer and more important to us than my sister's boyfriend just to make my sister happy.
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]

Then why did you post in the first place? You already had an answer.

Mrs Bunnie · October 2010

We're going out in New Orleans.

WildRumpus · October 2010

Just to clarify, by paying for "everything" do you mean you're paying for airfare, hotels, excursions, etc?

smokeybailey · October 2010

So he is invited to come out afterwards but not to the ceremony itself? Does the church charge by the ass? How is one more invitee going to cost you more money?

laurenclaire1386 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:f878b225-5175-49e2-a686-13b21cdf8ad5">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]So he is invited to come out afterwards but not to the ceremony itself? Does the church charge by the ass? How is one more invitee going to cost you more money?
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]
I'd love to know this as well. I know churches can be weird, and almost everything in New Orleans is weird, but I can't imagine a charge by the ass church.

ggirl2001 · October 2010

I'm confused, if you're only doing a ceremony and then cake and champagne, how is one more person going to throw off your budget? How much more can a piece of cake and glass of champagne cost for one person?

Mrs Bunnie · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:eba34025-bd48-4bdd-9784-f5be6dbba3b2">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family : I'd love to know this as well. I know churches can be weird, and almost everything in New Orleans is weird, but I can't imagine a charge by the ass church.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

<div>Haha.. that would be funny, but no. </div><div>
</div><div>We aren't getting married in a church, we're getting married in a very small venue that has a limit to the number of people that can be at the wedding. </div>

laurenclaire1386 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:5ed9c33a-33ac-4e3a-9077-238be50d3890">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family : Haha.. that would be funny, but no. We aren't getting married in a church, we're getting married in a very small venue that has a limit to the number of people that can be at the wedding.
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]
I'm not trying to be all creepy and weird, but I live near NO and I go pretty frequently, so I'm really curious about your venue. Obviously if you don't feel comfortable divulging that, don't, but I am curious.

Mrs Bunnie · October 2010

I'm not really comfy posting that on the web, no offense or anything.

It's not a typical wedding venue though, if that helps. I searched for awhile to find it.

Mrs Bunnie · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:1ecc313a-8a8b-46eb-ae6d-f021ec372e5e">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family : I don't buy the budget argument. How can a venue that only serves as a ceremony site possibly charge per head? I would think they'd charge a flat fee for having the ceremony there. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I can't imagine that if they're not providing anything but a space they don't care how many people are in that space, so long as they're not breaking fire code or something.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

<div>They charge a flat fee, and if you go over the 30 people allotted for, even by 1 person, they tack on another $200 to the flat fee price. And if we go over our time that we've booked, they charge $250 per half hour. So it really is a budget issue. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

laurenclaire1386 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:de6eaf1c-eac2-4996-b118-fd54136e1d97">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family : They charge a flat fee, and if you go over the 30 people allotted for, even by 1 person, they tack on another $200 to the flat fee price. And if we go over our time that we've booked, they charge $250 per half hour. So it really is a budget issue.
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]
Ok, fair enough. I still think you should've found a way, or still try to find a way, to invite him though.

Simply Fated · October 2010

Look, hun, why did you post on here asking what we thought, then try to convince us that <em>we're</em> wrong?
In your first post you don't mention anything about how long they've been together or that he's still married.... but then you toss it in there as a follow up as if it makes a difference. If you think that information makes a difference, why didn't you put it in your OP?

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:0653329d-9c30-46f8-89d2-7af482d64a4f">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to be the dissenting voice here, but you better believe my mom would be all over my sisters ass for dating a married not divorced man long before she ever got all over MY ass for not "including him".
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]
Yeah, my mom woulda killed me lol.

polichik · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:de6eaf1c-eac2-4996-b118-fd54136e1d97">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family : They charge a flat fee, and if you go over the 30 people allotted for, even by 1 person, they tack on another $200 to the flat fee price. And if we go over our time that we've booked, they charge $250 per half hour. So it really is a budget issue.
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]

Ok, I can see how that would be frustrating, but this is why it's important to first decide on your guest list and THEN decide on your venue. I'm assuming that people are more important to you than things, so I suggest that you find a new venue. Public parks, a friend's backyard, city hall, a BBQ/pizza restaurant that charges $5 a plate are all options for you. Don't make your guests suffer because of your venue choice. And yes, you do need to invite him, although I suspect that damage has already been done.

Mrs Bunnie · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:2d6b1b42-6821-4ad2-ac7f-a7735562305d">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]Look, hun, why did you post on here asking what we thought, then try to convince us that we're wrong? In your first post you don't mention anything about how long they've been together or that he's still married.... but then you toss it in there as a follow up as if it makes a difference. If you think that information makes a difference, why didn't you put it in your OP? In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family :Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>Honestly I posted to get people's opinions on the matter. Some of my friends told me what they think. </div><div>
</div><div>The other stuff I didn't think of when I made the post in the first place, my apologies. </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family :Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>My mom seems to approve.. I'm not sure why, other than she's the youngest child. But that's a whole different kettle of fish we don't need to get in to :D</div><div>
</div><div>She'd have killed me. </div>

jess9802 · October 2010

If they've only been dating for a few months, what should the OP have done if she booked her venue months ago when sister was still single?

I don't think the boyfriend's marital status is really relevant here, but then again, my FI was going through a divorce when I first started dating him. I also didn't expect to be invited to his stepsister's wedding (which took place when we'd been dating about 6 months). I was, and it was very nice to be included, but if I hadn't I would have been that offended.

ggirl2001 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-rude-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13003bc2-9d34-4f18-a01d-26ce41a1c592Post:d2488e95-e023-4f1d-9e99-bbe3c6463d01">Re: Small wedding, Rude family</a>:
[QUOTE]If he's separated and just not yet divorced then I don't get why you need to say that "he's married". If this is an illicit affair then my opinion does change - however that doesn't sound like it based on how your mom and sister are aware. Honestly, you can choose to do what you'd like, but when you make an active choice to exclude the SOs of ANY guests based on your desires, you have to accept the consequences that come with that decision. So you can say that it was a budget reason, space reason, or whatever. <strong>But the bottom line is that if they're in an established relationship, you're being rude to your sister and anyone else that is affected by your rule</strong>. And you can do whatever you'd like, but being an adult means that you don't use juvenile reasons like "But I want it this way," as a reason to be inappropriate.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
this is exactly what I think... I have never heard of excluding the significant others of those in an established relationship...

courtski2004 · October 2010

In Response to Re: Small wedding, Rude family:
[QUOTEMy mom seems to approve.. I'm not sure why, other than she's the youngest child. But that's a whole different kettle of fish we don't need to get in to

She'd have killed me.
Posted by Mrs Bunnie[/QUOTE]

OK, so what I'm picking up from this is that you may not have the best relationship with your mom and sister...are you really concerned with how they feel, or is this something that is fueled out of spite--as in for her to NOT get her way for once, and to stand up to your mom for supporting a decision that you would have been shunned for? I'm the oldest in my family, and had those feelings towards my mom and sister for a long time. Up until around the time I met my fiance, actually.

I agree with PP that $200 isn't worth damaging a relationship over--or an already strained one for that matter. You seem to have strong convictions about this, and I'm not sure that it has anything to do with the sister's BF still being married or that they've only been together a few months--but don't hold your breath for an invite if they get hitched is all I'm sayin. Who knows, maybe they will break up and look back at this and laugh.

futurepivko · October 2010

i think the note ruined it. even if you did invite him, there is damage done. there is no win-win.

do what you want, and face the consequences. did *all* 30 of the people on your guest list say yes to coming to this 30 person wedding?

Lets just say, that if this happends to you in the future somehow you cant get mad. well you can.......but thats a double-standard...but I guess you can.

Go to your wedding and feel guilty knowing that "its your day".........I guess. I still dont see what 1 more person is going to hurt.

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