Abstinence Issues...(sorry, a bit long)

kipnus · December 2011

A few months ago, Kelsey posted on here about abstaining from sex until the big day, and a number of people said they were doing the same thing. How's everyone doing with that?

I'm struggling right now, because FI is getting more and more frustrated--I don't know how we're going to make it until June. It was definitely more my decision than his--I'm the one who was brought up in a Christian home and church, having it drilled into my head that premarital sex is a sin. Well, I ignored that and FI were sexually active for about 8 months, but then I felt super convicted and guilty about having to hide it from my parents. I want our wedding night to be special. It's not like we're magically virgins again, but I feel like abstaining is the right thing to do.

However, I was just reading Shaunti Feldhahn's For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, and I was struck again by how every time I reject FI's advances (he's mostly good, but still tries on occasion) he takes it personally. I know the book is for married women, but I don't think just because we're only engaged, it changes how FI feels about sex (and lack of it).

I feel like, unlike other couples, we're less intimate now. Giving up sex took away an opportunity to bond and relieve stress and feel good together. Not sure what to do about this.

It also doesn't help being FB friends with my parents--my dad posted this super awkward question on our "couples" thread (FI, my parents, and I).

"Hi. We're looking forward to having you around for a few days. You never answered Mom's question about when you begin your premarital counseling. Another question: What safeguards have you put in place regarding physical intimacy up until the day you declare before God and His people your lifelong commitment to one another?"

My dad and I have never talked about relationships or anything remotely sexual before--why is it ok now!? Eeek!

chelseakopperud · December 2011

God will honor you guys for abstaining from sex from this point on. Turning away from your sin is exactly the right thing to do. I think what you are doing is great.

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from about your FI taking it personally. Men are wired that way and there is nothing they can do about it. Which is why you (and me!!) shouldnt have had sex at all before marriage and neither should have our FIs. Obviously at this point we cant change our past and we need to do what is right from this point moving forward. I think talking with FI and explaining (again if you have already talked about it) is a great place to start. It is still going to be hard, but if you think about how much it hurts Jesus when we sin, it should make it easier.

As for your dad.... I dont know what to tell you. I am sure he has your best interests at heart, so I would maybe talk with him and just explain to him that you guys are taking the necessary precautions and leave it at that.

KrisKenny · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_abstinence-issuessorry-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:ef420c49-1710-4f7b-8bc0-a6d5b3f12c4dPost:6b32bfe7-cf9e-4445-a294-e51826f26ee4">Re: Abstinence Issues...(sorry, a bit long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Abstinence Issues...(sorry, a bit long) : I agree with this completely. I have no plans to stop having sex with fi because it will be more special on our wedding night. It will be just as special for me because he is now my husband. I also think that this puts so much pressure on the couple for the night of the wedding. It is a very very long day and I am sure I will be drained at the end of the day. I applaud people that are waiting until they get married to have sex. I think it is an amazing thing to do and so special for you and your fi. However, I don't understand choosing to have sex and then not havening sex because you are getting married. To each there own. I think if I were you I would think really hard about your decision. If you truly believe it is the best decision for you then do it and hold out. However, if you don't think that way then maybe re think some things. You don't want your relationship to change with fi.
Posted by LOTON01[/QUOTE]

I agree with EVERYTHING Loton01 has said. If FI and I was to ever stop having sex, it would totally change our relationship. Sex, and lack thereof, is a big part of a relationship. Heck, one of the topics of our pre-marital counseling with my pastor is about our sexual relationship and how we communicate to each other about our sexual needs, wants, and desires. Yeah, a little weird maybe talking to my FI with my pastor there, but of course we won't be going into details, but it will also be good to be open with each other about what we would like from our relationship.

acaponi87 · December 2011

I'm not sure I've ever understood the "we've had sex before but now that we are engaged let's pretend like we haven't so it will be more special" train of thought.

It will be your first time together as a married couple. It will be PLENTY special...how could it not?

It sounds like you are frustrated as well as your FI. And if you've ever been shot down when you've tried to initate you know that you ABSOULUTELY take it personally. I think it's impossible not to. I couldn't imagine getting turned down for months and months.

Your sexual decisions with your FI are your own and should not include your parents. Do what you feel is right for your own relationship.

I personally think that sexuality is an important part of a relationship...after all if you take out the sexuality of a relationship you are left with a friendship. You have lots of friendships. The sexuality is part of what makes it different.

Obviously your family has issues with premarital sex. If I were you I'd push their questions aside and simply say "I don't want to discuss that with you. It's private and between FI and I".

jaime10285 · December 2011

First one, big congrats to you and all the others who are waiting until the big day (virgins or not). I understand how you might feel you've lost intimacy and conncetion. I don't really know what to suggest except maybe try and spend time together doing activities you both enjoy or maybe reliving a first date or something that will provide a different kind of intimacy.

As for your dad...yup, awkward. I think you can give some kind of general answer like "we have had discussions and set clear boundaries until we are husband and wife". I don't think you need to get into the details of what those boundaries are and how they used to be any different.

LOTON01 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_abstinence-issuessorry-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:ef420c49-1710-4f7b-8bc0-a6d5b3f12c4dPost:d9efbb32-d17c-40c4-b8b9-e2ba6aed28f2">Re: Abstinence Issues...(sorry, a bit long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure I've ever understood the "we've had sex before but now that we are engaged let's pretend like we haven't so it will be more special" train of thought. It will be your first time together as a married couple. It will be PLENTY special...how could it not?
Posted by acaponi87[/QUOTE]
<div>I agree with this completely. I have no plans to stop having sex with fi because it will be more special on our wedding night. It will be just as special for me because he is now my husband. </div><div>
</div><div>I also think that this puts so much pressure on the couple for the night of the wedding. It is a very very long day and I am sure I will be drained at the end of the day. </div><div>
</div><div>I applaud people that are waiting until they get married to have sex. I think it is an amazing thing to do and so special for you and your fi. However, I don't understand choosing to have sex and then not havening sex because you are getting married. </div><div>
</div><div>To each there own. I think if I were you I would think really hard about your decision. If you truly believe it is the best decision for you then do it and hold out. However, if you don't think that way then maybe re think some things. You don't want your relationship to change with fi.</div>

afmilner · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_abstinence-issuessorry-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:ef420c49-1710-4f7b-8bc0-a6d5b3f12c4dPost:d9efbb32-d17c-40c4-b8b9-e2ba6aed28f2">Re: Abstinence Issues...(sorry, a bit long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure I've ever understood the "we've had sex before but now that we are engaged let's pretend like we haven't so it will be more special" train of thought. It will be your first time together as a married couple. It will be PLENTY special...how could it not? It sounds like you are frustrated as well as your FI. And if you've ever been shot down when you've tried to initate you know that you ABSOULUTELY take it personally. I think it's impossible not to. I couldn't imagine getting turned down for months and months. Your sexual decisions with your FI are your own and should not include your parents. Do what you feel is right for your own relationship. I personally think that sexuality is an important part of a relationship...after all if you take out the sexuality of a relationship you are left with a friendship. You have lots of friendships. The sexuality is part of what makes it different. Obviously your family has issues with premarital sex. If I were you I'd push their questions aside and simply say "I don't want to discuss that with you. It's private and between FI and I".
Posted by acaponi87[/QUOTE]

<div>This. This. This. If you were feeling really good about your decision, then I would say you should stick to it. But since you are not, I think you should stop and seriously question the reasons behind it together, and then come to a mutual agreement. </div><div>
</div><div>I also definitely agree about telling your parents that it is private matter between your and your FI. My mom used to ask me questions like this (I usually just changed the subject), and even asked FMIL if she thought FI and I were "up to anything" and FMIL told her that it was our problem, and no one else's. My mom hasn't brought it up since. </div>

Megbo2012 · December 2011

I feel like this is a decision that is hard to make, and both parties need to be on board completely. He might have gone along with it to try and appease you, and realized after that he wasn't invested/interested. I would talk to him, openly.

And if it were me, I'd be ignoring father...

kaitlyn142 · December 2011

Fi and I made a commitment to abstain in deference to the fact that we are having a Catholic wedding. FI was fine, but I was the one that couldn't handle it! We managed a good couple months before I decided this was rediculous, and I was just making both of us miserable. I really don't see the point in pretending we are virgins. I looked at the reasoning behind it and decided that the spirit of it isn't about abstaining from the closeness, but not wanting to bring a child into a potentially unstable situation.

So! We altered to nothing potentially baby-making. We're still abstaining from, in our opinion, the most fun part of sex but still having enough to keep me from going insane.

Ugh, and your dad should stay out of it. FI's dad made a comment once to him about when I came home from a long trip and fell asleep, that he wouldn't keep FI on the phone because he probably wanted to join me. FI was like "uh, she really is sleeping..."

kelsey+brandon · December 2011

Fi and I have made the decision together, and to me, I think that's been all the difference. There are definitely times when we feel the urge and it's difficult to resist, but I know that I would feel worse about breaking that commitment to each other that we've made with God than it would feel good.

For us, it's not just so our wedding night will be more special. Every time with FI was special. It's that each time after, that little voice in my head said we should really wait until we're married. Obviously not everyone has these feelings, but it's how I feel.

I completely understand feeling the lack of intimacy. FI and I had the same problem, but the more we do other things together, the easier it gets. Not that we won't completely and thoroughly be thrilled when it's time for us to make love as husband and wife, it's just a part of ourselves that we aren't satisfying in order to have a greater spiritual satisfaction.

It's already been almost 3 months, what's another 6. We have a lifetime.

amonis · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_abstinence-issuessorry-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:ef420c49-1710-4f7b-8bc0-a6d5b3f12c4dPost:03322db2-e5e3-43c8-a46f-ac7dddf94986">Re: Abstinence Issues...(sorry, a bit long)</a>:
[QUOTE]God will honor you guys for abstaining from sex from this point on. Turning away from your sin is exactly the right thing to do. I think what you are doing is great. I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from about your FI taking it personally. Men are wired that way and there is nothing they can do about it. Which is why you (and me!!) shouldnt have had sex at all before marriage and neither should have our FIs. Obviously at this point we cant change our past and we need to do what is right from this point moving forward. I think talking with FI and explaining (again if you have already talked about it) is a great place to start. It is still going to be hard, but if you think about how much it hurts Jesus when we sin, it should make it easier. As for your dad.... I dont know what to tell you. I am sure he has your best interests at heart, so I would maybe talk with him and just explain to him that you guys are taking the necessary precautions and leave it at that.
Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this totally. I know it is not the popular opinion on the board but I believe it wholeheartedly. You have the rest of your lives to have sex so what's 6 months? Find things to do together that bring you closer together so that the intimacy can return in your lives. You can be intimate without having sex. It will definitely take work on both of your parts, but you can do it! Fi and I had sex in the beginning of our relationship but decided about 3 months ago (when we got engaged) that we wanted to start our marriage off the right way by honoring God. It has been really hard, especially since FI and I live together and sleep in the same bed every night, but it makes me look forward to the rest of our lives together! </div><div>
</div><div>As for your dad, I agree with PP that said you should basically say "dad, we have drawn clear boundaries for how things will go until we are husband and wife" and leave it at that. It's not really his business to ask any more questions. </div>

jfellows82 · December 2011

I completely understand. FI and I are in the same boat. We were sexually active before but decided to abstain shortly after getting engaged. We're on month 3 (and 7 more to go!) and it's been really hard at times. To replace some of the lost intimacy, we've been doing more affectionate but non-sexual things like cuddling, talking long walks together, and doing little things around the house for each other.

When it gets really hard, we talk about why we're abstaining, which helps to make it a little easier. For us, it's not about making the wedding night more "special" but about upholding our Christian values. We knew that having sex before marriage was sinful and wanted to bring as much grace into the beginning of our marriage as possible. Even though we had sinned in the past, we didn't want to continue to sin.

I think if you and your FI are on the same page about why you are waiting, it will help him to not feel hurt and rejected. Striving to uphold God's will together can be one of the best things you do for your relationship. I wish you both the best of luck!

chelseakopperud · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_abstinence-issuessorry-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:ef420c49-1710-4f7b-8bc0-a6d5b3f12c4dPost:5dac1c70-b3be-45be-8f8b-363e3b14bb63">Re: Abstinence Issues...(sorry, a bit long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely understand. FI and I are in the same boat. We were sexually active before but decided to abstain shortly after getting engaged. We're on month 3 (and 7 more to go!) and it's been really hard at times. To replace some of the lost intimacy, we've been doing more affectionate but non-sexual things like cuddling, talking long walks together, and doing little things around the house for each other. When it gets really hard, we talk about why we're abstaining, which helps to make it a little easier. For us, it's not about making the wedding night more "special" but about upholding our Christian values. We knew that having sex before marriage was sinful and wanted to bring as much grace into the beginning of our marriage as possible. Even though we had sinned in the past, we didn't want to continue to sin. I think if you and your FI are on the same page about why you are waiting, it will help him to not feel hurt and rejected. Striving to uphold God's will together can be one of the best things you do for your relationship. I wish you both the best of luck!
Posted by jfellows82[/QUOTE]

This was very well said- I agree with it all!

doeie04 · December 2011

I just wanted to throw my two cents in here in regards to taking it personally and "a relationship without sex is only a friendship". We are not abstaining so I can't speak on that subject. To each their own.

FI has a much lower sex drive than I do. He likes it once a week, I would like it every other day. This causes issues because I don't feel the love when we aren't having sex, and maybe that is why I want it more. We discussed this and I told him how being rejected hurts my feelings. It makes me feel un-loved and not wanted. He has made a bigger effort to show his love and affection outside the bedroom. He will kiss me on the top of the head, he will snuggle, he will kiss me for no reason. All these things help me feel loved. Just because you aren't having sex doesn't mean you can't show affection. I know I do not do these things with male friends, so it doesn't make us just friends..... I still take it personally when he isn't interested, and I shouldn't. It is just hard sometimes. Hopefully this helps! I think you guys need to sit down and talk again.

PS~ Did you decide no sex, or no sexual acts in general? Not sure how that goes....

kipnus · December 2011

Thanks for the encouragement and thoughtful advice, everyone!

Abstinence Issues...(sorry, a bit long)

Re: Abstinence Issues...(sorry, a bit long)

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