Advice

drama1308 · September 2010

Hey everyone, I think I've written on this board once before, but that was quite a while ago. I am also a Christian bride, and am getting married in August.

My fiancé and I are both virgins but recently we have been really been struggling with waiting until after the wedding to have sex. We are both really wanting to wait, but I am just worreid that we are going to give up and just do it before the wedding.

Those of you who are already married what did you do to help you keep waiting until marriage? and those of you who are soon to be married, what are you and your fiancé doing to stay pure?

fpaemp2011 · September 2010

We make sure to limit our time alone. We usually spend time together at his sister's house, and then it's only if his sister or brother-in-law is there, or if I'm babysitting his nieces (really hard to be tempted when the 3 year old wants to dance and the 1 year old is screaming).

If he comes to my house, we make sure one of my roommates will be there. For the rare times we are alone, we leave the lights on and the doors open, and we never go in each others bedrooms. If we're in the car alone, like sitting in a parking lot waiting for something, we roll the windows down and leave the interior light on.

We make sure we both know exactly where the line is and that it will not be crossed. For us, it's kissing. Cheek and forehead is fine, but we won't kiss on the mouth until the wedding. It doesn't remove temptation, and it's not easy, but it gives a very clear line instead of wondering, "How far is too far?" We also have mutual friends and our own friends and family members who hold us accountable for our time together.

katanne9 · September 2010

For us, the more we talked openly about our future physical relationship the easier the pressure became. You can take all the precautions that you want, but it will really need to be an internal decision between the 2 of you that you want to continue to keep waiting. I would suggest praying about it regularly and having it become an open topic of conversation between the 2 of you.

But, to answer your question, general suggestions are not hanging out in bedrooms, avoiding really late night snuggles, dark rooms, so on may help a bit.

FWIW, it was totally worth waiting. We dated for 4 years before getting married, and saving ourselves was hard. However, it was something that meant a lot to us and it was what we believed in. You need to decide what is right for you, but I would have deeply regretted giving in.

drama1308 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7182cb3b-e114-4b74-a54e-7055349678a4Post:13ae8db1-2889-403c-8acd-6a40c6d93f0a">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]For us, the more we talked openly about our future physical relationship the easier the pressure became. You can take all the precautions that you want, but it will really need to be an internal decision between the 2 of you that you want to continue to keep waiting. I would suggest praying about it regularly and having it become an open topic of conversation between the 2 of you. But, to answer your question, general suggestions are not hanging out in bedrooms, avoiding really late night snuggles, dark rooms, so on may help a bit. FWIW, it was totally worth waiting. We dated for 4 years before getting married, and saving ourselves was hard. However, it was something that meant a lot to us and it was what we believed in. You need to decide what is right for you, but I would have deeply regretted giving in.
Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

We've only recently started having problems, we've been together for 2.5 years . I think with some determination we can make it, we're both strong-willed. and I agree with you, I will definatly regret it if we don't wait.

JoyMatt424 · September 2010

Regret is a huge reason to not give in. FI and I are waiting to, and it is hard because I live alone, so when he visits we are alone! We try to get outside a lot, take walks together, cook together -- cuddling and late night snuggles are definitely kept to a minimum at this point. FYI, we've been together 2.5 years in about a month.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · September 2010

Actually I'm in a different boat you are - my fiance and I did not wait to have sex, but we discussed that during our engagement - we'd abstain.

Honestly I have no idea how we're doing it because it's extremely frustrating and hard to go from doing it, to not doing it. We just decided to draw up some boundaries and agreed that we wouldn't cross them.

ricia · September 2010

I am glad you brought this up because this is also an area where FI and I are struggling. We have been together almost 10 years and we did not wait, he was my first!! It has always been an issue in the relationship because after doing it you get the guilty feeling of disappointing the LORD. Now I have made the decision to abstain until the wedding it is very difficult doing such as Mrs. McLovin stated... If i had to do it all over from day I, iwould have remained pure completely, my comfort is God's forgiveness and faithfulness towards HIS children. My advice to you is to remain pure until your wedding night, limit the alone times all the advice previous persons told you is great, take heed. It will not be easy but think about it this way do i trade five minutes of pleasure for a lifetime of hell??? remain pure my dear...

heyimbren · September 2010

Set very, very clear boundaries. Keep them in mind. Don't allow yourself to compromise! The more you compromise, the harder it will be. Keep in mind that even though you're engaged to be married, you are not married yet. And until you are married, you can't justify it saying that "well we're ALMOST married.... we will be one day". It isn't the same thing.

Have you read Every Young Woman's Battle? I read it recently and loved it. It was very convicting.

My BF and I are long-distance so we see each other almost every Saturday. If I'm worried about feeling tempted or putting us in a bad position, I make plans to remove us from that. We'll go on a double date, out for dinner, mini putt, the movies, etc. We don't hang out in my room anymore. The lights stay on in the living room, and we stay upright.

It's a constant battle, it never gets easier. But it's definitely worth it in the end.

katanne9 · September 2010

Another suggestion is to come on here when you are feeling frustrated and need encouragement. : ) I know it's a difficult thing to talk to friends about, so don't forget your Christian knotties who can empathize.

HeartOverMind · September 2010

I didn't wait and that is something I will always regret. I don't regret who I did it with (because my BF is my first and only and he's The One) or anything like that, I just regret my lack of self-control and timing. I wish I could have waited until my wedding night (like I had always planned).

Me and my BF just made the decision that we would abstain from sex until marriage. I'm praying for God's strength everyday.

But the way I see it, I have nothing to give my future husband on my wedding night. I have always viewed virginity as a wedding gift to your new husband and vice versa. So don't make that mistake. Think of your virginity as a gift you are able to give your husband and his virginity to you as a gift from God to each other.

JoyMatt424 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7182cb3b-e114-4b74-a54e-7055349678a4Post:02182b50-0007-4a80-98d2-450a9655ced0">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you read Every Young Woman's Battle? I read it recently and loved it.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Great book! I read this too! And yes, I agree with PP come here when you need help, we've all been through, or are going through the same thing :)

Purple&7 · September 2010

Thank you for asking this question, because I was wondering the same thing. I love that I can get advice on this board and not looked at for being "weird". FI and I are waiting as well and now that we are engaged, I feel as if the urge to resist is getting harder.

Jeffie86 · September 2010

I totally agree with a lot of what the previous posts have said....think about how you'll feel after you go too far and on your wedding night. I think that feeling of regret or remorse is our hearts reminding us that we have sinned. Not that there isn't forgiveness. Remember that God designed sex to be shared within the covenant of marriage--between a man and his wife, not a man and his fiance.

Plus--no matter how careful you are, you could get pregnant at any time. I'm sure you wouldn't want that on your wedding day!

rachelea · September 2010

We've also been waiting...and its not easy, but honestly what is working for me is simply reminding myself why I chose to wait in the first place. I have an extremely guilty conscious and I am sure if we broke down beforehand it would realy end up messing with my mind and potentially ruining our relationship. I will be 26 when we get married and I keep telling myself that I've waited 25 years, I can wait 9 more months. I remind myself that I am honoring myself before God, my future husband, and even my parents. Of my siblings, I am the only one of the three of us who has stuck with the Christian values we were raised with and I feel that, even if we didn't actually tell my parents because that isn't their business, I would feel like I was failing them.

drama1308 · September 2010

Thanks everyone for your advice! It's nice to know that I have a group of supportive Christians to help me through this. My FI and I have talked since and I am determined to wait, even if it means we're spending less time together. We've waited 2.5 years what's another 10 months and 3 weeks?

belgirl · September 2010

At the end of the day, if you are a born-again Christian, you need to remind yourself why God created sex for marriage only. Have faith and be dependent on God. Trust him. It doesn't matter if 99.9% of the population is having sex outside of marriage. I am 39 and in 2 days will have sex for the very first time. It's been extremely difficult, but it's so exciting to be able to give this gift to my husband. Hey, if I can do it, ANYONE can do it...lol...

JoyMatt424 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7182cb3b-e114-4b74-a54e-7055349678a4Post:7a405136-30d3-420f-aaf9-1d78df91597b">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]At the end of the day, if you are a born-again Christian, you need to remind yourself why God created sex for marriage only. Have faith and be dependent on God. Trust him. It doesn't matter if 99.9% of the population is having sex outside of marriage. I am 39 and in 2 days will have sex for the very first time. It's been extremely difficult, but it's so exciting to be able to give this gift to my husband. Hey, if I can do it, ANYONE can do it...lol...
Posted by belgirl[/QUOTE]

I'm so blessed to hear that someone has waited at your age. It's SO common to just "give up". So many people in my church feel that way. You are SO right though about having faith and being dependent. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding :)

ricia · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7182cb3b-e114-4b74-a54e-7055349678a4Post:7a405136-30d3-420f-aaf9-1d78df91597b">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]At the end of the day, if you are a born-again Christian, you need to remind yourself why God created sex for marriage only. Have faith and be dependent on God. Trust him. It doesn't matter if 99.9% of the population is having sex outside of marriage. I am 39 and in 2 days will have sex for the very first time. It's been extremely difficult, but it's so exciting to be able to give this gift to my husband. Hey, if I can do it, ANYONE can do it...lol...
Posted by belgirl[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>WOW very inspiring.. thank you for sharing</div>

GJones27 · September 2010

Sorry for jumping into the conversation so late. We're also waiting until marriage, and what helps us is "taking breaks" if we're kissing. We don't do it for very long, so things don't get so heated. My FI is really good about being strong and enforcing breaks. I know that during the first year of our relationship when the temptation was strongest, we didn't hang out with each other privately. But I guess our relationship has "cooled down" a bit and we can hang out privately without temptations now.

Also, prayer helps. I know I prayed a lot to God, saying I needed help to stay strong. And you know what... He really did help me! I can't say what it was, but I feel temptations less than when I used to. Please hang in there... you don't have very much longer to go! It will be worth it soon enough!

ASquared11 · September 2010

I posted this on another Christian Knottie blog but the book: Real Sex, The Naked Truth about Chastity by Lauren Winner is awesome. I strongly suggest it for a refreshing view on sex and it's role in a marriage, community, the church, and our roles in each others' sex lives. Also waiting and this book was great encouragement to continue to wait!

erollis · September 2010

All these ladies have given some great advice. If you have been able to abstain continue to abstain from sex. You wont regret it. You will regret if you give in and do it now instead of later. Personally I would have abstained from sex altogether if things didn't work out the way they did (such as meeting my fiance much later in life).

We do have sex and have a very healthy relationship outside of the bedroom since we took our time getting to know each other first. It took a couple of months before we even held hands. Then a few months later we finally kissed. We have never rushed things. I also prayed for a long time about if having sex was right for us. Also we don't just have sex to have it. We feel it is something special and spiritual. I am not sure if that makes sense. We have been in a relationship for 9 years this October 3rd. He has been my first everything (boyfriend, kiss, date, etc.). He was also a virgin before he met me. He never even kissed his previous girlfriends that much. He just felt he needed to wait for the right person and the right moment. I don't regret not being a virgin when I get married since things have worked out so great. We will abstain from sex (and anything to sexual) for 40 days and nights before the wedding.

HeartOverMind · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7182cb3b-e114-4b74-a54e-7055349678a4Post:b62cf2f8-0ae5-41fd-8075-1b0d272f4595">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE] All these ladies have given some great advice. If you have been able to abstain continue to abstain from sex. You wont regret it. You will regret if you give in and do it now instead of later. Personally I would have abstained from sex altogether if things didn't work out the way they did (such as meeting my fiance much later in life). We do have sex and have a very healthy relationship outside of the bedroom since we took our time getting to know each other first. It took a couple of months before we even held hands. Then a few months later we finally kissed. We have never rushed things. <strong>I also prayed for a long time about if having sex was right for us.</strong> Also we don't just have sex to have it. We feel it is something special and spiritual. I am not sure if that makes sense. We have been in a relationship for 9 years this October 3rd. He has been my first everything (boyfriend, kiss, date, etc.). He was also a virgin before he met me. He never even kissed his previous girlfriends that much. He just felt he needed to wait for the right person and the right moment. I don't regret not being a virgin when I get married since things have worked out so great. We will abstain from sex (and anything to sexual) for 40 days and nights before the wedding.
Posted by erollis[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but I disagree with what this statement is implying. I'm not juding you in any way, but sex is intended for marriage ONLY. I'm no longer a virgin, (I posted a few posts before this). I understand that what I did was wrong and I know I will be judged before God for degrading the true nature of sex. You can pray all you want about deciding if sex is "right" for your relationship, but it is very clear that sex outside of marriage is a sin (1 Corinthians 6:13..."the body is NOT meant for sexual immorality", Galatians 5:19, Ephesians 5:3, 1 Thessalonians 4:3, etc).

Sex outside of marriage is not right for anyone. (I'm speaking to myself. This is the sin that I'm struggling with and with all of the power that God gives me, I'm going to fight it.) I love my BF, but I love God more. I want to honor God with my body and my life.

That is all.

ricia · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7182cb3b-e114-4b74-a54e-7055349678a4Post:28688bc2-7589-485e-a14b-81f3a67816db">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice : I'm sorry, but I disagree with what this statement is implying. I'm not juding you in any way, but sex is intended for marriage ONLY. I'm no longer a virgin, (I posted a few posts before this). I understand that what I did was wrong and I know I will be judged before God for degrading the true nature of sex. You can pray all you want about deciding if sex is "right" for your relationship, but it is very clear that sex outside of marriage is a sin (1 Corinthians 6:13..."the body is NOT meant for sexual immorality", Galatians 5:19, Ephesians 5:3, 1 Thessalonians 4:3, etc). Sex outside of marriage is not right for anyone. (I'm speaking to myself. This is the sin that I'm struggling with and with all of the power that God gives me, I'm going to fight it.) I love my BF, but I love God more. I want to honor God with my body and my life. That is all.
Posted by HeartOverMind[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I totally agree with you.. I posted earlier as well and we have to stand by the word of the Lord and what he says.. SEX outside of marriage is wrong.. FULL STOP. </div><div>I </div>

Soon2BeMrsTing · September 2010

DH and I were virgins on our wedding day- July 24, 2010. Today we have been married for two months, and the richness of the love our Lord has showered on us defies description. The sex isn't perfect, as we are still figuring things out. But the joy we experience knowing that by His grace we maintained our Christian witness and testimony throughout two years and three months total from beginning to date to saying our vows just fills our relationship.

How did we do it? Though we were virgins, both of us had gone further than we knew we should have in the past. No one is perfect. We were 26 when we began our relationship and from the start, we knew we had the full intention to wait until marriage, whether we married each other or not. So we had a curfew that we stuck to all that time, and though it was hard we knew we were honoring the Lord and each other by committing to purity. We didn't talk about what sex or intimacy with each other would be like until we were within months of our wedding day. We made sure to have a lot of time in group interactions and we were frank with certain same-sex friends about our needs and struggles. We dated and chose our length of engagement (9 months, 10 days) with the goal of maintaining purity until the wedding day in mind.

I hope that you can wait, because in DH's and my experience it has been, as Elizabeth Elliot said, "unspeakably worth the wait!"

fpaemp2011 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7182cb3b-e114-4b74-a54e-7055349678a4Post:1d25f2a9-caea-4cf6-8447-797c033d2557">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice : Please show me in the Bible where it says "Sex without a legal contract recognized by your government is wrong." Because the Bible itself describes marriage as an exclusive lifelong union between man and wife, and actually uses sex as part of determining a marriage. So, if you are truly with the one person that you are going to be with for the rest of your life, and you are honestly both 100% committed to each other, what does a secular civil contract matter to God?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This article on the Biblical Definition of Marriage describes it better than I ever could:
<a rel="nofollow" href="http://christianity.about.com/od/whatdoesthebiblesay/a/marriagecovenan.htm">http://christianity.about.com/od/whatdoesthebiblesay/a/marriagecovenan.htm</a>

The first scenario I thought of was Mary & Joseph. The Engagement Contract in Biblical times could only be broken by divorce, thus Joseph's dilemma when Mary became pregnant before their wedding (a divorce after the marriage could only be granted in cases of infidelity). But, no, it was not, and still is not, ok to have sex before you have made the covenant in front of God and men.

Just a snippet from the article:
"In Malachi 2:14 we see that marriage is a holy <em><a href="http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/covenant" target="_blank">covenant</a></em> before God. In the Jewish custom, God's people signed a written agreement at the time of the marriage to seal the covenant. The marriage ceremony, therefore, is meant to be a public demonstration of a couple's commitment to a covenant relationship. It's not the "ceremony" that's important in a marriage, it's the couple's covenant commitment before God and men. <p>It's interesting to carefully consider the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony and the "<a href="http://judaism.about.com/cs/jewishweddings/f/ketubah.htm">Ketubah</a>" or marriage contract, which is read in the original Aramaic language. The husband accepts certain marital responsibilities, such as the provision of food, shelter and clothing for his wife, and promises to care for her emotional needs as well. This contract is so important that the marriage ceremony is not complete until it is signed by the groom and presented to the bride. This demonstrates that both husband and wife see marriage as more than just a physical and emotional union, but also as a moral and legal commitment. The Ketubah is also signed by two witnesses, and considered a legally binding agreement. It is forbidden for Jewish couples to live together without this document. For Jews, the marriage covenant symbolically represents the covenant between God and his people, Israel. </p><p>For Christians, marriage goes beyond the earthly covenant also, as a divine picture of the relationship between Christ and his Bride, the Church. It is a spiritual representation of our relationship with God. To learn more about the biblical purpose of marriage, you may read <a href="http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/i/biblemarriage.htm">What Does the Bible Say About Marriage</a>?" </p>

HeartOverMind · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7182cb3b-e114-4b74-a54e-7055349678a4Post:923c3d92-ed06-4682-a348-770e1e5db7e0">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice : This article on the Biblical Definition of Marriage describe it better than I ever could: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://christianity.about.com/od/whatdoesthebiblesay/a/marriagecovenan.htm">http://christianity.about.com/od/whatdoesthebiblesay/a/marriagecovenan.htm</a> The first scenario I thought of was Mary & Joseph. The Engagement Contract in Biblical times could only be broken by divorce, thus Joseph's dilemma when Mary became pregnant before their wedding (a divorce after the marriage could only be granted in cases of infidelity). <strong>But, no, it was not, and still is not, ok to have sex before you have made the covenant in front of God and men.</strong> Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]

Thank you for that article. Another snippet from that article I found very important. Something straight from Jesus: <p><em>When Jesus spoke to the Samaritan </em><a href="http://christianity.about.com/od/biblestorysummaries/a/Woman-At-The-Well.htm"><u><font color="#3366cc"><em>woman at the well</em></font></u></a><em> in John 4, he revealed something very important, something we often miss in this passage. In verses 17-18, Jesus said to the woman, "You have correctly said, ‘I have no husband’; for you have had five husbands, and <strong>the one whom you now have is not your husband; </strong>this you have said truly." The woman had been hiding the fact that the man she was living with was not her husband. According to the New Bible Commentary notes on this passage of Scripture, </em><a href="http://marriage.about.com/cs/legalities/g/commonlaw.htm"><u><font color="#3366cc"><em>Common Law Marriage</em></font></u></a><em> had no religious support in the Jewish faith. <strong>Living with a person in sexual union did not constitute a "husband and wife" relationship. Jesus made that plain here. </strong></em></p><p><em>Therefore, position number 1 (the couple is married in the eyes of God when the physical union is consummated through sexual intercourse) does not have a foundation in Scripture.</em>

That's where it says in the Bible that living with someone and assuming they are having sex (even if that person is going to become your spouse) without a legal process of some sort is wrong.

Edit: I understand that we live in a different culture and time, but this is still relevant. The Bible is very clear about sexual immorality and that sex is designed only for marriage. If you engage in sexual behavior before you are married (a covenant before God and men) then you are sinning. It's pretty black and white. </p>

CHarley2B · September 2010

Waiting is definitely hard but as GJones said for me and FI I honestly prayed and asked God to take away the desire until the time was right and I truly feel that he has answered my prayers. For others trying to wait I'd just encourage all of us not to try to do it in our own strength (The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak). This is something that we need to daily take before God and ask for his wisdom and strength. God is faithful and will definitely help you to uphold his commands.

Not to sound judgemental but I definitely think that no one should try and act as though the bible isn't clear about sex being only for a husband and wife. And because the "legal contract" is what makes it a marriage sex shouldn't happen before then. Regardless of what commitment you may feel.

Jeffie86 · September 2010

Marriage was instituted by God, not the government. I believe that if the government were to stop recognizing marriage for any reason, churches would continue to perform marriage ceremonies. The unification of man and woman in a Christ-centered marriage goes way beyond a piece of paper from the county.

That was a great article!

bourgehm · September 2010

I like what a previous poster said:

I love my FI, but I love God more.

mattycam · September 2010

I agree with PP. Sex outside of marriage is wrong. If you are a bible believing Christian then what God says is pretty straight forward. There is no area grey area with this topic.

To the OP, I encourage you to wait. You will be so happy you did and it will be worth it. Unfortunately I am not a virgin but I choose to be celibate and wait until my wedding day and believe me, it is way harder for a non-virgin to abstain from sex than a virgin so please wait!

Many Blessings.

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