RAAAANNNNTTT

mtrosales · April 2012

I posted this yesterday:

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shower-advice-1

So, not only did the groom insist on adding MORE guests to the shower list--people on his side, whom the bride has NEVER met--but he actually INVITED them. Without even talking to me. He invited aunts, cousins... and then the bride, once she told me, had the audacity to say "and they're already looking for gifts, so just invite them."

O.

M.

G.

I have not had ONE responsibility for this wedding [which would seem like a good thing, right? except that this girl has been my closest friend for nearly 12 years!]--aside from buying a dress and dyable shoes [ugh]--because this groomzilla has controlled every minute detail [including BM dresses] of the wedding. And now, he's trying to take over the bridal shower?!

Sorry for the rant; my fiance has had to hear the worst of it. Please, qualify my hurt/anger/resentment! lol

pokepoke27 · April 2012

Tell him to back off. This has absolutely nothing to do with him.

I don't know what to tell you about the guests he has already invited. I mean, does he know all the info? My FI has no idea what date/time etc my shower is.

angelstar975 · April 2012

I mean, he has every right to have input on every part of the wedding, but the shower is really not any of his concern. I think you have to invite the people he already verbally invited though. I assume they are all invited to the wedding? It would be really poor etiquette on his part to invite them to the shower if they aren't invited to the wedding.

ETA - I just read your other thread and saw that the bride has already tried to get you to invite people who aren't invited to the wedding. Yikes, someone needs to teach these people about manners and etiquette. Sorry the groom is being so difficult!

angryangry · April 2012

I think you need to set a boundary here and say no. If they invited 100 more people, would you say okay and go along with it?

If I was in this situation, I would be firm but polite and say something along the lines of "as the host of the shower I don't feel comfortable with such a large guest list, and I also feel that it will reflect poorly on me to break etiquette by inviting people who aren't invited to the wedding. If you decide to decline the smaller shower that I am offering, I completely understand. Please let me know"

But I'm a hard-headed person who doesn't really put up with nonsense like this. My friends still like me.

Also, if she does decide to go with the smaller (more polite) guest list, I think the groom should say something like "I'm sorry I spoke to soon about the shower, but it's actually going to be very small so not everyone can be invited" to the people he verbally invited.

Grits8812 · April 2012

I think you need to flat out say "I can only host up to x number of people due to my budget. You need to choose who you want there the most, and that's all I can do."

Don't feel like you have to go along with everything they want when you are the one that has to pay for it.

mkrupar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_raaaannnnttt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:58fa86c6-7c36-4745-9847-6ca8847a272fPost:330307f8-6e74-4047-9a8a-67492346321b">Re: RAAAANNNNTTT</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you need to set a boundary here and say no. If they invited 100 more people, would you say okay and go along with it? If I was in this situation, I would be firm but polite and say something along the lines of "as the host of the shower I don't feel comfortable with such a large guest list, and I also feel that it will reflect poorly on me to break etiquette by inviting people who aren't invited to the wedding. If you decide to decline the smaller shower that I am offering, I completely understand. Please let me know" But I'm a hard-headed person who doesn't really put up with nonsense like this. My friends still like me. Also, if she does decide to go with the smaller (more polite) guest list, I think the groom should say something like "I'm sorry I spoke to soon about the shower, but it's actually going to be very small so not everyone can be invited" to the people he verbally invited.
Posted by angryangry[/QUOTE]

All of this. OP I would read this over and over again. You are kindly offering to throw her a shower and she and her FI are taking advantage of that offer. Explain how many people you can comfortably host. Tell them to trim the list. FI has to go back to those he verbally invited and tell them he spoke too soon about the guest list for the shower. If they're already looking for gifts, they can send them to their home.

Meegles4 · April 2012

I'm going to take a slightly different tack than PPs. My H came to my shower, it was thrown by his aunt and my mom. So even though it was "for" me, it was really for both of us (both of our names were even on the invitation). Some of his female family members -- who I barely know, have MAYBE met once or twice in the four years we've dated, were invited. Had his aunt or I not thought to invite them, I could see a situation where he would've asked to have these people added.

So I don't totally fault the groom for being involved here, but I also don't know all the details of his other involvements in planning that you mention.

Even with all that, as PPs have said, you should communicate a budget to both the bride and groom. Say "I can only afford to host X people, is there any way to trim the list to that?" Then they can decide whether to invite all these family members the bride has never met, or trim them.

And it goes without saying that people invited to the shower need to be invited to the wedding, so this should also be communicated to both of them. As often as it takes for them to get the point.

MyUserName1 · April 2012

Meegles, the B&G are inviting people to the shower that aren't invited to the wedding.

I'm with angry.

lb1212 · April 2012

I'm not sure how much of this situation is due to the couple's greediness - or - (more likely) just overall excitement of the wedding. I know that level of excitement can sometimes cloud the part of the brain where etiquette/common sense lives. Showers are held for the couple, however, you are the hostess - and because of that, you have the final vote. When a bride-to-be sends you a guest list - it's meant to be a suggestion. If you can't get her to see how rude it is to invite someone to a shower and not to a wedding, then that's on her.
If you can't get past the rudeness, then tell her that you are no longer able to host the shower. Let her know how many people you are willing/wanting to host. If she can't get the list to that number (including people her FI already invited), then tell her that you are no longer able to host the shower. OR see if anyone else would be willing to help out (maybe another friend has a larger house, or would be willing to chip in financially).

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