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Guest list etiquette for in-laws of siblings

kighhighkighhigh
in Moms and Maids
My parents gave my fiance and I a specific amount of money for the wedding.  We decided to get married in Hawaii in a small intimate ceremony.  We invited about 130 people and maybe 20 will come, which I think is perfect.  I fought with my mother about inviting my sibling's in-laws whom I don't see often.  She felt they should've been invited and I didn't.   Now she is being miserable about the whole wedding and frankly negating any excitement I have about it.  I told her that we could invite them and now she doesn't want to.  How do I fix this?
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Re: Guest list etiquette for in-laws of siblings

  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Since it's your mom's money, it's her guest list.  If you're open to inviting them but now your mom doesn't want to, it sounds like you have a decision.

    If she's being miserable about all of the planning, stop sharing plans with her.  Though, that might be pretty impossible if you have to go through her to get the money.  Did she just give you a lump sum, or are you going to her when you need deposit checks and whatnot?

    That's the problem with taking other people's money - you have to do what they want.
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  • ADTonkADTonk
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    What's the harm in inviting them?  They probably won't come if they don't have the time/money to travel and you're not paying for them anyway.

    Mom's money = mom's guest list and mom's rules.
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I"m a (twice blessed) MIL.  I don't expect to be invited to functions for our SIL or DILs family.  And it never even occurred to me to invite our DIL's mom and brother to our DD's wedding.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • skippylouwhoskippylouwho member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm a recent MOG and MOB - we invited ILs to both weddings.  They came, they enjoyed it and we enjoyed having them. It was our choice. Do I expect to be invited to everything my kids have going on with their ILs? No but I think we'll be invited to some events over the years such as weddings.  It was our choice, it seemed the polite thing to do and another way for our families to get to know each other and bond a little bit.

    I don't think you have to invite them, especially for a destination wedding but it's not wrong to invite them -it's what you want to do and also how many people it is.  I only have 2 kids so we were only talking about a few people.
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  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can't get by that you invited 130 people to a wedding in Hawaii...
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_guest-list-etiquette-laws-of-siblings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1c7ccdc-e530-4868-995f-b81ad52baf3aPost:aab018cb-60fc-481d-999a-b0448f6bddf5">Re: Guest list etiquette for in-laws of siblings</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't get by that you invited 130 people to a wedding in Hawaii...
    Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]
    Not only 130 people, but she's after a small intimate wedding.  That made me laugh a little.
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_guest-list-etiquette-laws-of-siblings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1c7ccdc-e530-4868-995f-b81ad52baf3aPost:ae1c1a72-79fb-4da2-970b-4322555a99e5">Guest list etiquette for in-laws of siblings</a>:
    [QUOTE]M<strong>y parents gave my fiance and I a specific amount of money for the wedding.  We decided to get married in Hawaii in a small intimate ceremony.  We invited about 130 people and maybe 20 will come, which I think is perfect. </strong> I fought with my mother about inviting my sibling's in-laws whom I don't see often.  She felt they should've been invited and I didn't.   Now she is being miserable about the whole wedding and frankly negating any excitement I have about it.  I told her that we could invite them and now she doesn't want to.  How do I fix this?
    Posted by kighhigh[/QUOTE]

    I'm also curious about why you'd invite 130 people hoping that only 20 would come. I find that odd.  But GL.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_guest-list-etiquette-laws-of-siblings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1c7ccdc-e530-4868-995f-b81ad52baf3aPost:30b64a6b-485e-4ab8-8690-2fac76d4c79a">Re: Guest list etiquette for in-laws of siblings</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest list etiquette for in-laws of siblings : Not only 130 people, but she's after a small intimate wedding.  That made me laugh a little.
    Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]

    Makes me think she's after gifts in lieu of attendance unless she's planning an At Home Reception for those who couldn't attend.
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  • eviltwin13eviltwin13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We invited my sister's inlaws, as well as her husband's brother and his girlfriend. Her MIL, who we all adore, is flying out for my bridal shower as well as flying with her husband to attend the wedding. We happen to have a great relationship with them, so that definitely influenced the decision. For them, both her wedding and mine were "destinations" since they live 3,000 miles away. Hawaii would have been a much shorter trip for them than New York will be!
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  • casims3casims3 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My brother is engaged, so they aren't technically his in-laws yet, but we invited his future MIL and FIL to our reception. However we didn't invite his future brother-in-law. I know he is planning to invite my future in-laws (MIL and FIL only) to his wedding. I think it just depends on how close you all are.

    However, if I was having a destination wedding, I would probably not have invited them. I would've kept it to people I was extremely close to.
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  • StacyJennigesStacyJenniges
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not inviting my siblings in-laws, I think it really depends on your family dynamics. 
    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
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  • Magdeline687Magdeline687 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_guest-list-etiquette-laws-of-siblings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1c7ccdc-e530-4868-995f-b81ad52baf3aPost:3611d71e-3964-4513-84f9-f5df183c04de">Re: Guest list etiquette for in-laws of siblings</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest list etiquette for in-laws of siblings : Makes me think she's after gifts in lieu of attendance unless she's planning an At Home Reception for those who couldn't attend.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    Or perhaps she cast a wide net, hoping that she would get a decent amount of people to come. It sounds like that plan is working out, since 20 are able to come to her wedding.
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  • astormoastormo member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    For those placing judgment, I wouldn't be quick to judge someone who invites far more people than they want to attend. There usually is a good reason other than gifts. We are really hoping for a small wedding but are having to invite far more than we want to, in order to soothe hurt feelings and ensure rifts will be avoided. Some in my family (including a parent) don't understand that "come one come all" is not our wish. We are paying for it all ourselves but still are putting some "musts" on the invite lists - knowing that our wedding also is out of state and likely many won't make the trip. It isn't for the gifts - it is to avoid the fight.
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  • harrisappraisalharrisappraisal member
    First Comment
    my daugter is getting married in march 2013. her finace's brother is getting married august 2012. is her brother (19) (my son) to be invited or not?
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