Wondering if any moms could offer some advice?

cm42878 · December 2010

Cliff Notes- My MOH had a baby 10 weeks ago and is having a very hard time leaving baby. She is highly condsidering quitting her very good job next year because she can not handle it. I am not sure how to help, wondering if you had these problems?

I dont know what to do, I feel so very sorry for my MOH and wish I could make her better but I am not sure what if anything i can do. MOh just had a baby 10 weeks ago and went back to work 4 weeks ago at her KG teaching job but her H has been staying home with baby until last monday. Her H works a roatating shift as a fireman and at a local company part time, he work 3-4 days a week depending on his schedule.While they are working baby stays with my mom, so its not like she is at a scary daycare, this is the only child my mom watches and she pretty much considers baby like a grandchild.

Well today MOH has cried almost nonstop, she is a total mess and considering quitting her teaching job next year. She works at one of the best districts in the area if not the best. I am not sure if this is normal behavior or if she could be suffering from PPD or if this is just friend being emotional. Today seems to be worse because her H works shift at the firestation so he had to leave with baby at 6 am to drop her off at my parents house. MOH didnt leave until 8am for work so she had 2 hours of alone time and I think this is the first time she has has that much alone time since baby was born. My parents live about 30 minutes from MOH home and she only works 2 mins from her hosue so MOH taking baby everyday really isnt an option. H only works 10 mins from my parents house. I just dont know what to say to help her and I feel awful. I am not a mom so I dont know about the emotions and stuff after you have a baby. Any adice would be appreciated!

This isnt etiquette related but I thought there wer a few moms that reguarly post in here that might be able to help! Hope its ok? TIA!

ootmother2 · December 2010

It's totally normal for her to feel this way. I remember crying for a week when I had to go back to work.

Funny, my daughter called me in tears the month before she had to go back to work, telling me that she just couldn't leave him.

She'll be okay, we all go through it

IrishBrideND · December 2010

Its normal to cry and be sad, but the way you describe it seems to be above that. I'd worry about PPD, too. Can you talk to her H about your concerns and see if he's noticed changes, too?

cm42878 · December 2010

Thanks! SHe cant decide if its normal, she is going crazy or she is just being a baby about leaving her baby! I know she is having a hard time but since I have never had those experiances and the hormones and things you experiance after childbirth I wanted to know if this was common or not.

She says she hates being at work and spends most of the day wishing it was 3 oclock and as soon as the kids leave she is in the car on her way to get baby. At night she doesnt do anything but hold baby, no laundry cleaning anything. They were goign to go on our honeymoon with FI and I and she has decided she cant do that, she doesnt want to leave baby for the 5 nights. It kind of makes me nervous for when FI and I start TTC after the wedding!!

ootmother2 · December 2010

I wouldn't leave my 10 week old baby for 5 days either.

Irish may have a point about PPD. Any other incidents like this?

cm42878 · December 2010

Well, she talked to her H tonight and he told her whatever made her happy, if she wanted to stay home that they would make it work. He is one of those guys that never say anything to make anyone upset and she kind of rules the house. Not in a bad controlling mean way (I dont think she has a mean bone in her body) but thats just the way it is in their house. I kind of think since he is a fireman and works 24 on and 48 off she feels like she is taking on a lot of the burden. He also works the day before his 24 hour shift at a local company and works about 10 hour days there. But when he is home he deffianlty helps out with cooking cleaning ect. He aslo helps with babys feeding, bed time and what not.

I need to look up symptoms of PPD, I have heard of PPd but never known anyone that had it so I am not familiar with symptoms.

leia1979 · December 2010

I'm not a mom myself, but I have a few friends who are new moms, and I haven't heard any of them express sentiments like that. Perhaps she is depressed--the not wanting to do anything but hold the baby sounds unusual to me, based on what my friends have said.

Beachy730 · December 2010

I'm not a mom but the minute I read your CN I thought of PPD. Certain things she is doing are just signs of being a first time mom. I don't blame her for not wanting to leave her infant for 5 days. But wanting to quit her job because she can't fathom working 9 months ago is definitely a bad sign. You should suggest that she talk to a therapist before making any rash decisions.

cm42878 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wondering-moms-could-offer-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:adad07b5-96df-4e7f-a85e-7f50aeec8decPost:057c2f78-da3a-4b8e-a187-b437c2adfca1">Re: Wondering if any moms could offer some advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't leave my 10 week old baby for 5 days either. Irish may have a point about PPD. Any other incidents like this?
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

Oh sorry- bad way to word it, the trip isnt until sometime this summer from end of may to end of july! I dont think I would leave a 10 week old either for 5 days!! I should have added that part.

Well, not really any other incidents like this, but she just now really had to start leaving her for long periods of time. After she went back to work she only had to leave her for 7 hours at a time and now its more like 6am- 4:30pm that she doesnt see her. She did have an event to go to one night this week and she was going to have to leave baby for a few hours in the evening and she backed out because she said baby had a cold and stuffy nose. My mom had the baby the next day and said baby had no snot in her nose at all and was in a wonderful mood. That kind of had me boogled.

ootmother2 · December 2010

That's just from my limited experience, one child

I may have a different view on this because I was so grateful just to have a living child to take home after 91 days in NICU

Jennifer&Nate · December 2010

Maybe she just wants to be home with her baby? Some women feel called to do that...my mother included. If she decides to do that (and assuming you don't think there's any real PPD going on), she'll need your support and not to be treated like she's nuts for leaving her job!

cm42878 · December 2010

Thank you ladies! Sorry I dont want to be one of those poeple that just keep posting and adding more! Its just such a touchy situation and I am a forigner to the mom child bond and motherhood. I know it might be easy for me to say just toughen up or to be emotional because she is my very best friend and i want her ok but I just didnt know if this was normal stuff. I know most moms have a hard time leaving baby at first but it just seems like her is getting much worse instead of better! And she has a very wonderful great paying job, so for her to just up and want to quit it makes me know that she is serious. I would hate for her to quit if it was PPD versus her just not being able to handle being away from baby.

cm42878 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wondering-moms-could-offer-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:adad07b5-96df-4e7f-a85e-7f50aeec8decPost:85d05525-88c5-4edc-b807-f7a71b7bd70c">Re: Wondering if any moms could offer some advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe she just wants to be home with her baby? Some women feel called to do that...my mother included. If she decides to do that (and assuming you don't think there's any real PPD going on), she'll need your support and not to be treated like she's nuts for leaving her job!
Posted by Jennifer&Nate[/QUOTE]

Part of me thinks it is just her wanting to be at home with the baby. But then this is just not like her, she is the biggest planner and rational person I have ever met in my life. Up and quitting is something I would do, not her! I do childcare out of my home and will continue to for a few years in hopes of being home with any future children FI and I have. I also know that what you thought was important is blown out of the water when you have a baby so finances and having your life planned out might not be the most important thing to her anymore. But since its not like her to be so emotional and sparatic I think its got me worried about her.

On a side not I looked up symptoms of PPD and they couldnt be more vaque!! Google was not much help on this!!

Jennifer&Nate · December 2010

Then again, feeling the need to be at home with your baby isn't "irrational" in any way! If you think she is being uncharacteristically emotional in several areas of her life, that would be cause for concern. But if she's very upset about just this, it could just be because she wants to stay home with her baby and she feels pressure (from family, society, friends, etc) to stay at her job and that's creating a very stressful situation for her.

Of course, I don't know what's really making her so upset. My point is that nobody should just dismiss her as irrational, depressed, etc. when her feelings could be perfectly normal.

I know she has a good friend in you, though, and it sounds like her husband is supportive. Hopefully it'll work out just right for everyone.

cm42878 · December 2010

Thanks for the help! I dont think its irrational to want to stay at home with baby, but I do worry about her because well thats just me, I am a worry wart and of course she is my BFF! She does hava a fantastic H, I wish he didnt have to work all night. I offered to come out but I think she just wanted to be with baby and go to bed early. I may call in about 30 mintues just to check on her though. I hope its just normal new mom stuff and she doesnt have PPD, thats scary stuff!

andy71781 · December 2010

Its apparently very important for Jennifer&Nat... that you don't think its irrational that your friend stays at home with her baby - no matter what your friend's personality or financial situation is like.

cm - you sound like you are a good friend. keep an eye on your buddy.

Jennifer&Nate · December 2010

I honestly don't care what she does...I just didn't like that everyone was assuming she had PPD because this was something very difficult and emotional for her! Just trying to offer another perspective...

gailpete · December 2010

When I first had my daughter (back in the dark ages) the local hospital had a group for new mothers that were going back to work. I found it extremely helpful to be able to talk to other moms in my situation about the guilt, the desire to be home with the baby and ways to cope with all the challenges. I really think your friend should talk to a counselor before making any final decisions. That way she can be sure she is making the right decision for her and not simply reacting to the hormones that amplify every feeling right now.

You are a good friend to be concerned.

tidetravel · December 2010

Tread lightly with assuming it's PPD. It can and will really piss a new mom off if you automatically write off "irrational" behavior to PPD. I had told DH prior to having Taryn that I was worried about PPD because I never felt a connection w/ baby in womb. When Taryn was 5 days old, I was completely emotional and broke down crying every couple of hours. DH was like, "I think you need to talk to someone - I think you have PPD." My response was something like, "I'm not fucking depressed! I just need some god damned sleep!" The only thing that I can equate that feeling to is a man asking a woman if she's PMSing, when, in fact, she's just pissed off.

What your friend is feeling isn't irrational - it's actually quite normal. There's a lot of pressure that society, and women themselves, put on new moms to stay home and be a mom to their kids. I went back to work at 10 weeks, and cried for months. I also waited for the clock to turn so I could rush home. If she's breastfeeding/pumping, there's added pressure because for many women, it's difficult to pump enough milk to feed baby while you're gone (the boobs just don't respond to the pump like they do a baby,) so you feel like you're not even providing food for your baby. My depression stemmed from that - that I was a failure as a mom because I couldn't even provide enough food for my baby because I had to work; that she would starve if I wasn't there, and everytime that she was given formula as a supplement (which was only 1 bottle out of 7/8 feedings a day) was a stab at my heart.

As far as not doing anything when I got home - between BFing at night, going to work early, and then coming home and spending time with baby, I certainly didn't do ANYTHING after work - heck, there were days where I didn't even shower, or forgot to eat. Give it 6 months or so before mom and dad figure out a routine and life gets back to normal.

It was a complete surprise for me, because prior to having her, I NEVER wanted to be a Stay at home mom. Never. I was completely OK with the idea of working and DH staying home. Until I HAD to work. Some women always wanted to be a SAHM, and some find after they have a child that they want to be. I don't think that there's anything wrong with someone giving up their job, even if it's lucrative, to stay home and raise their children, if the couple can afford to, and that's what mom wants. She may find that it's not all that it's cracked up to be

Someone finally said something that pulled me out of my rut, and that was the assurance that I was providing for her in the best way - I was working so that she could have not only food, but diapers, a warm place to sleep, toys and anything else that she would need.

Regardless, keep an eye on her, and let her know that you're there for her if she needs. If things start to look like they're going downhill, then perhaps mention PPD. If she's not getting stuff done in the house, perhaps offer to go over and do some cooking/cleaning. If she's really depressed, a messy house can only contribute to that, and make her feel overwhelmed. I also agree w/ PP - help her find a working mom's group to talk to. She is definitely not the first person to feel that way.

cm42878 · December 2010

Tide- You know whats funny is I was really hoping you would come on and answer my post. You and babyB's mom were the only two people I could think of that I knew had children and I was pretty sure I had read somewhere at sometime that you worked and DH stayed at home. Ok that makes me sound like a stalker but I lurk on the boards alot, rarely post but read everything! I promice I am not weird!!

Thanks for your info, I texted her a litle while ago and she said she talked to DH and he said whatever makes her happy so she is going to sit on it and think about it for awhile and she isnt crying anymore. I think alot of your examples make since, she did say today she just felt like she was doing a half a$$ job at everything work and being a mom. She is pumping and has started having to take medicine to produce enough milk. The baby is also a tiny little thing and I think alot of people fuss at her about it and she thinks she is doing something wrong. But lord she is a tiny girl herself. She also said a little while ago her and her mom are fighting about christmas becuase she doesnt want to drive 4 hours for christmas and her and DH have decided to stay home for the holidays. SO I guess maybe she is feeling like a failure as mom, wife daughter teacher the whole bit. Which is crazy because she is the most put together person I know, she really is a wonderful person.
I think I will be calling her tomorrow when I know she leaves for work and checking on her and letting her know she isnt crazy, but since I am not a mom I couldnt really tell her any real life stories.

tidetravel · December 2010

I completely understand how she's feeling. As far as the pumping, there are a couple things that I would suggest: 1) if she hasn't already, she should see a *certified* lactation consultant. 2) if she's using a commercial grade pump, suggest that she rent a hospital grade one. They aren't really that expensive and they are meant for women that exclusively pump, so they're more efficent at getting milk. 3) tell her to eat a bowl of oatmeal for at breakfast and at lunch every day (real oatmeal, not the package stuff). It aids in the production of breastmilk, and I really noticed a difference on the days that I did eat it and those that I didn't.

Taryn is also a small baby, but that's ok. As long as the docs say that her growth is on track, she'll be fine. From what you describe, she really doesn't sound PPD, just stressed, which is to be expected. I don't go on thebump much, but I know that the working mom's board was really supportive when I was there. Maybe she should look into that to get some outside perspectives (and realize that what she is going through is normal for a lot of working moms.)

GL!

cm42878 · December 2010

Thanks! I am deffiantly going to pass on the oatmeal suggestion! I do believe she went to see a lactation specialist right after baby was born. I think she is using a Media? I think thats what its called it starts with a M I know that.

I have heard talk of this bump but never seen it! LOL. Is it just thebump.com? or is it the nest? I have heard of that one also? I am clueless!

On a side note, my posting on the E board was not bad at all! No flaming!! Maybe its not as scary over here as I thought it was. I was afraid I would get flamed for something.

tidetravel · December 2010

Don't be afraid of posting here. Everyone's been flamed for something. As long as you're not acting like a whiny brat, you'll be fine

If she bought the pump at the store, it's a commercial grade one. If she's having problems pumping, I recommend the hospital rental - that's what I'm doing this time around, because I also had problems pumping.

www.thebump.com is a sister site to theknot. I will warn you to warn her not to migrate to many boards over there, at least not without lurking A LOT; if you think E is bad, most of the boards on thebump are 100x worse. I always found the working moms board and the breastfeeding board to be welcoming and helpful - the other ones, err... not so much.

cm42878 · December 2010

Thanks!! I think I will lurk and post again on E!!! I will give her the tip about the pump, I think she bought hers from a parent at school who had replaced all of the plastic parts and was selling it. But I bet its a commercial grade one.

Jennifer&Nate · December 2010

tidetravel - Your baby is adorable! I love the outfit.

musicalsunlight · December 2010

Seems like PP's covered this pretty well, but just thought I'd add that this reminded me of when I got my puppy in August. That sounds totally lame, I know. I don't have kids yet and this was my first pet "on my own" with my FI. We got her when she was 8 weeks and fell in love with her right away---felt the motherly bones emerge in me immediately (which then confirmed that I want kids for sure one day)! I'm in law school and FI also goes to school,so even though my classes only lasted from 8am-noon each day, my first week or so was awful, locking her into the kennel until I got home. I was worried even though I knew she couldn't go anywhere or do anything to get hurt. Considering this was just a puppy, I can totally see how your friend might feel about her baby. My mom was really helpful when I was upset about leaving my puppy, telling me its even worse when leaving your baby to work. So, I'm guessing a lot of what your friend is feeling is very normal. I felt so weird feeling so upset over a puppy!

squirrly · December 2010

I'm about halfway to being a mom. I don't really think it sounds like PPD so much either, but not wanting to put the baby down at night is a wee smidge concerning. Is it that she refuses to, or that she just doesn't have time to after doing all the baby things?

I think it's reasonable to just be her friend, be supportive, and give her the time to sort things out, but encourage her to talk to her doctor if she personally is concerned.

Wondering if any moms could offer some advice?

Re: Wondering if any moms could offer some advice?

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