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Moms and Maids

Mother problems or is it just me?

Please  be advised this is a rant. Also i may jump aroud.

I don't have a close relationship with my mother. When i left for college i was glad to get away from her. She hasn't done anything bad to me. She just annoys me. Alot.

I dont really want to have her involved more then she has to be for the wedding. Her and my father came to the initial venue tour.(in October) Now i have another tour booked in May with my inlaws to see the grounds in the wedding month.(so they get a chance to see the grounds as well) I told her and she wants to come too. I told her i dont really want 6 people there , it'll over whelm me (my mother in law is very opionionated and my mother doesnt really like her, when ever i listen to MIL my mother always mopes and complains that i dont pay attention to her ideas.)and she said she'll keep her mouth shut, ect. I just dont want her there, as i cant stand being around her for more then a couple of hours.

She is paying for some things, such as half my dress, the cake my jewlery and bouquet. So i know i have to let her have some say in things (she said i could do what ever i want with the money her self.) But i dont want her around for everything. I dont really want her around when i pick my dress.She said that im depriving her of major events of my life.  I dont like spending time with her. Its unpleasent for me.

She wants to be involved with everything and i simply want to do things my self. I told her this and she said im being selfish and that the wedding is her day too.


Another thing thing is she wants to throw us an engagment party. We dont have alot of friends, most of the wedding is family, so she figured she's invite all her friends, who i dont exactly talk to or see. She said that she would invite my friends too but i know we wont enjoy our selves.  My fiance isnt the social type and he cant stand her friends. I told her i probly wont go and she said im going if she has to drive 2 hours to pick me up and haul me there her self. It pisses me off beyond belief beecause i am 19 and have been living out of her house hold for 2 years.


When ever i tell her i dont like an idea of her's she always says "well you like your mother in laws ideas" or "im older," or "Im your mother, dont talk back to me" where as i am not talking back to her, just voicing my opinion. I feel like im being treated like a 10 year old. I have told her this and she always replys "well, your my oldest, i worry, ect ect"

I honestly dont like my mother. I love my father to bits but i want to stay away from her for as long as possible. She gets upset when i dotn call her every 2 weeks. My fiance cant stand her as well and had told me that if she does move closer, he will pack up and we will move to another city.  I agree with him. Im fine with only seeing her every 4 months for a few hours.

My mother wants to be involved with my life and i have waited a very very long time to get her out of it.


Just a note for everyone, i dont know who might flame me. I am 19, i understand that i am young, i have my whole life ahead of me ect ect. Please dont post unless you are giving me some advice about the situation about my mother. I have been with this wonderful man for 4 years ands we have been over alot of bumps in the roadtogether. Getting over them just makes me love him more. By the time we are married next year we would of been together for 5 years.

So please, does any one have any advice? Am i being selfish? Are there any other people out there who feels the same way about my mother.
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Re: Mother problems or is it just me?

  • edited December 2011
    I don't see how you can justify not allowing your mother to come with you to find a dress when she is paying for half of it.  Doesn't it feel weird to you that you don't want your mother involved with anything, yet you are perfectly willing to take her money? 

    If you want to keep your mom out of your planning, you are going to have to pay for this wedding without her money. 

    I'm curious about your parents' relationship with one another.  Will it ruin your relationship with your dad, which seems to be a good one, if you cut your mom out of everything?  If your parents are still married (or even if they are divorced but still care for one another), I don't see how you can cut out your mom without also cutting out your dad.  Just food for thought.

    If you cut her out of your life now, if you decide after a few years that you're changing your mind, permanent damage may have been done to your relationship.  Some things people do at 19 aren't the things they would do later at 25 or 30.  She doesn't sound evil given that the only reason that you give for not liking her is that "she's annoying,"  (that really does speak to your age, by the way) just that she doesn't want her little girl to grow up and that she's being over-protective. 
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  • edited December 2011
    If you dont want her there then tell her that. Don't sugar coat it. Also if she is paying for half of your dress then she gets a say in your dress, nothing else. Just tell her straight foward and be done with it. Just because she's a mom, older or whatever doesnt give her a right to tell you how to live your life. You aren't living under her roof and from the sounds of it never will again. Just be careful that their is going to be backlash from your response.
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  • edited December 2011
    It doesn't really sound like she is doing anything bad. She wants to be involved and is helping you out financially. It actually sounds like she is trying to make amends with you and you are being stubborn and unpleasant yourself.

    If you really don't want her involved, then don't take her money. But be prepared to do lasting damage to any kind of a relationship with her.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-problems-just?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f9910e85-7d0c-4f79-be5b-fba21cb7c363Post:9eb4a6fe-3884-424f-8b6e-e9ca2224904f">Mother problems or is it just me?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Please  be advised this is a rant. Also i may jump aroud. I don't have a close relationship with my mother. When i left for college i was glad to get away from her. She hasn't done anything bad to me. She just annoys me. Alot. I dont really want to have her involved more then she has to be for the wedding. Her and my father came to the initial venue tour.(in October) Now i have another tour booked in May with my inlaws to see the grounds in the wedding month.(so they get a chance to see the grounds as well) I told her and she wants to come too. I told her i dont really want 6 people there , it'll over whelm me (my mother in law is very opionionated and my mother doesnt really like her, when ever i listen to MIL my mother always mopes and complains that i dont pay attention to her ideas.)and she said she'll keep her mouth shut, ect. I just dont want her there, as i cant stand being around her for more then a couple of hours. She is paying for some things, such as half my dress, the cake my jewlery and bouquet. So i know i have to let her have some say in things (she said i could do what ever i want with the money her self.) But i dont want her around for everything. I dont really want her around when i pick my dress.She said that im depriving her of major events of my life.  I dont like spending time with her. Its unpleasent for me. She wants to be involved with everything and i simply want to do things my self. I told her this and she said im being selfish and that the wedding is her day too. Another thing thing is she wants to throw us an engagment party. We dont have alot of friends, most of the wedding is family, so she figured she's invite all her friends, who i dont exactly talk to or see. She said that she would invite my friends too but i know we wont enjoy our selves.  My fiance isnt the social type and he cant stand her friends. I told her i probly wont go and she said im going if she has to drive 2 hours to pick me up and haul me there her self. It pisses me off beyond belief beecause i am 19 and have been living out of her house hold for 2 years. When ever i tell her i dont like an idea of her's she always says "well you like your mother in laws ideas" or "im older," or "Im your mother, dont talk back to me" where as i am not talking back to her, just voicing my opinion. I feel like im being treated like a 10 year old. I have told her this and she always replys "well, your my oldest, i worry, ect ect" I honestly dont like my mother. I love my father to bits but i want to stay away from her for as long as possible. She gets upset when i dotn call her every 2 weeks. My fiance cant stand her as well and had told me that if she does move closer, he will pack up and we will move to another city.  I agree with him. Im fine with only seeing her every 4 months for a few hours. My mother wants to be involved with my life and i have waited a very very long time to get her out of it. Just a note for everyone, i dont know who might flame me. I am 19, i understand that i am young, i have my whole life ahead of me ect ect. Please dont post unless you are giving me some advice about the situation about my mother. I have been with this wonderful man for 4 years ands we have been over alot of bumps in the roadtogether. Getting over them just makes me love him more. By the time we are married next year we would of been together for 5 years. So please, does any one have any advice? Am i being selfish?<strong> </strong>Are there any other people out there who feels the same way about my mother.
    Posted by Copic34[/QUOTE

    <strong>You sound very immature, to me. Your mom hasn't done anything wrong, yet you don't like her and want her out of your life. That's pretty cold.</strong>
                       
  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I would hate if any of my 3 children went over 2 weeks without even talking to me.  You do realize that you are the one that is wrong here, right? And I would worry about a FI that was encouraging me to seperate from my family.

    I'm not flaming you about getting married to young. My DD is getting married at 20 in about 5 months, but if she sounded half as immature as you do I woudn't be paying a dime for it, or encouraging it at all.
  • jc04100657jc04100657 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-problems-just?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f9910e85-7d0c-4f79-be5b-fba21cb7c363Post:7e360416-c798-429b-b5dc-1d1dcfd0adc7">Re: Mother problems or is it just me?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It doesn't really sound like she is doing anything bad. She wants to be involved and is helping you out financially. It actually sounds like she is trying to make amends with you and you are being stubborn and unpleasant yourself. If you really don't want her involved, then don't take her money. But be prepared to do lasting damage to any kind of a relationship with her.
    Posted by FutureJilliannD[/QUOTE]

    <span style="font-size:8.5pt;color:#1f1f1f;font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';">I agree. I also think you are very lucky to have a mom that wants to be involved and to help you out financially with the wedding.</span>
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-problems-just?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f9910e85-7d0c-4f79-be5b-fba21cb7c363Post:da0e7dcf-e8d8-4ac1-a621-89a49de1cbbc">Re: Mother problems or is it just me?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would hate if any of my 3 children went over 2 weeks without even talking to me.  You do realize that you are the one that is wrong here, right? And I would worry about a FI that was encouraging me to seperate from my family.
    Posted by pegasuskat[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with this. OP, you came across as pretty heartless. Seeing your own mother is unpleasant? You call less than once every two weeks? And see her every four months for only a few hours? I'd be upset and lonely if I was in her shoes. I talk to my mom practically every day, though I only get to see her every 5-6 weeks.</div>
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  • Cynthia1207Cynthia1207 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Do you have any idea how many girls come on these boards who are sad their mom isn't participating in their wedding planning?  You sound like a a bit of a brat according to your OP.  I'm guessing there's more to the story for you to dislike your mom so much but we can only post about what you wrote....

    You don't want your mom involved, decline her offer to pay.  It's very greedy of you to accept her money yet not her.  Your mom is right; you are depriving her of important life events of yours.  She WANTS to be there...for YOU. 

    You say you don't have a lot of friends....I can only imagine why.
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  • edited December 2011
    Trying to be as nonjudgmental as possible:

    I agree with PPs about if you don't want her involved, then don't take the money. If they are paying then they have a say and should be as involved as they want to be. I don't think she's paying for the whole thing, which means that you should still have an opinion... however she should be there for the dress if she is paying for half of it.

    Repeat of a PP again is if you don't accept the money and don't let her be involved, you are going to do some real damage to the already fractured relationship. I know you realize that you're young... but so many things can change at your age. When I was 19 I wasn't talking to my Dad and now he's walking me down the aisle and I couldn't be happier (I'm 26 now)... he's my friend as much as he's my Dad!

    In my honest opinion you should try to enjoy every second of the planning... even if you don't like your mom. Someday that may change and it would be sad to look back on what you may be doing to her, and doing to yourself.
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  • edited December 2011

    IMO there must be history here with mother and daughter that we don't know of.  There are some of us out there that don't have very good relationships with out mothers for personal reasons.  The problem is when you post on here and ask for advice, you get advice from people who have good if not wonderful relationships with their mothers and can't see how you would feel that way.

    The hints to me in your post, you left at 17 that is a big one to me.

    My advice for you being I have a similar past with both my mothers (yes I said 2) is give it time, you are 19, which only means you will change in the years to come.  Today she may not be important to you and she may get on your bad side now  but life will change and 10 years from now you may feel different. 

    Keep the lines open for communication.

    Teresa & Bill June 10, 2011
  • KnibletKniblet member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]Do you have any idea how many girls come on these boards who are sad their mom isn't participating in their wedding planning? 
    Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]
    There are at least 2 threads towards the top today dealing with this very thing.
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  • gailpetegailpete member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You do not have a mother problem.  She is acting like any loving mother that is excited that her child is getting married.  She wants to be involved with the planning because this is a very special time in both of your lives.  Her comments about your FMIL likely come from the fact she knows you'd rather spend time with your FMIL than her and it hurts. 

    I think most young women go through a stage when their mother drives them crazy and they don't want to be around them.  Eventually they mature out of it.  Unfortunately for your mother it appears that you haven't reached that point yet.  Please don't exclude her and do irreparable harm to your future relationship.
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-problems-just?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f9910e85-7d0c-4f79-be5b-fba21cb7c363Post:ff97279b-f842-4a7a-aeab-192ca140b09f">Re: Mother problems or is it just me?</a>:
    [QUOTE]IMO there must be history here with mother and daughter that we don't know of.  There are some of us out there that don't have very good relationships with out mothers for personal reasons.  The problem is when you post on here and ask for advice, you get advice from people who have good if not wonderful relationships with their mothers and can't see how you would feel that way. <strong>The hints to me in your post, you left at 17 that is a big one to me. </strong>My advice for you being I have a similar past with both my mothers (yes I said 2) is give it time, you are 19, which only means you will change in the years to come.  Today she may not be important to you and she may get on your bad side now  but life will change and 10 years from now you may feel different.  Keep the lines open for communication.
    Posted by TeresaB2011[/QUOTE]
    I was actively planning to move out of my mother's house at 17.  (Fell through because I couldn't find a job.)  There wasn't abuse, or anger, or emotional issues, or anything like that.  We were just the worst roommates ever.  The only thing that's changed is that we don't have to live under the same roof anymore, and we get along beautifully.  So while I do think that her concerns can only be legitimate if there's more information we don't have, I don't think the fact that she couldn't wait for legal adulthood to get away from her parents is proof positive that said information exists.
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  • KnibletKniblet member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother problems or is it just me? : I was actively planning to move out of my mother's house at 17.  (Fell through because I couldn't find a job.)  There wasn't abuse, or anger, or emotional issues, or anything like that.  <strong>We were just the worst roommates ever.  The only thing that's changed is that we don't have to live under the same roof anymore, and we get along beautifully. </strong>
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
    Oh, ditto.  My mother and I get along better now than EVER before.  When I go to see her and stay in her house, we tend to revert back to the old ways though.  So it's better we don't live under the same roof.
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  • edited December 2011
    I did not know what additional infomation to inclued so here is some that i think will help.

    I moved to dorms for college at age 17. After that i moved in with my fiance. I understand that i may regeret not giving my mother the time of day now, and that it may seem imature  of me, but i just really dont get along with her. (from my  point of view). I sure she thinks that we have our tiffs and our relation ship is fine. But for me i want space, much more then she's  giving me.  (which from other people's point of view is quite alot.)

    I understand that mothers give their opinions but when she gives hers , and i tll her, polietly, that i dont like it, she flips. I have told her that i do not like my mother in law and thats the only thing that we seem to agree on.

     I also find it strange that when i was younger my mother never did anything with  me and now she wants to spend so much time with me. i know its because of the wedding.

    I guess i wedding is a good time to mend a relationship. Does any one have any advice on what i can do so i dont go crazy .

    P.S
    Thanks for all the replys. Especially thoes who say i am being immature. It smartened me up abit.
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  • gailpetegailpete member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You should learn this -"Thanks for the idea, Mom.  We'll think about it.  Have you tried the bean dip? (or any other way to change the subject)".  Then you can do what you want, unless it's an item she is paying for, then she does get input that shoulld be listened to.

    Or just look at your FI and roll your eyes (as long as she can't see you) and let it go.

    Good luck and I hope you both find your way through this without losing your sanity.
  • edited December 2011

    I cann't imagine how hurt your mother is right now, especially since you said you did not like your Future Mother In Law.  It sounds to me like there are two relationships that you really need to work on and that is your relationship with your mother and your Future Mother in Law.  I think you are going to find in the future that they will be almost as important as your relationship with your future husband. 

    I think that one of the issues is that you are young and have not experienced a whole lot and have not realized how imporant your mother is to your life.  I am almost 30 right now and getting married for the first time. I will make most decisions with either my mom or my fiance and then always let my future mother in law know those decisions I think it has worked great because she feels included and I have not left my mother out of imporant decisions. 

    the most important piece of advise I can give you is to remember that 10 years from now you will probably regret not taking this time to spend with your mother, don't make a mistake like that.  I would say let her have some of this time doesn't mean you have to give into every single idea, I would say give her a job, like finding a certain type of decorations.  give into some of the smaller unimportant ideas. 

    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
  • edited December 2011
    Amen PP! When I was 19 I moved out to go to college. I was super ready to get some space from my mom, but now that I'm older (26) my mom is one of my best friends. I know everyone's relationship with their mom is different, but you're still maturing, physically and emotionally, and it's possible your mom's going through some changes too. 2 hormonal women is always a bad combo. Some women never get the good relationship with their mothers others of us have. But if your realtionship with your FI is as strong as you think it is, then you'll be together for many happy years, probably have kids, and be sorry you didn't treat your mom with more respect when you were younger. And no, you shouldn't take her money and run as far as the planning goes. Un-cool. Engagement parties tend to be a lot of mom + dad's friends, not many of yours. You dress nice, smile, thank everyone, and let them congratulate you. I'm close with my dad too, and he just recently reminded me that the right decisions are often the more difficult ones, ie. doing the things we don't want to do but that are actually important. Decide to find common ground with your mom. Maybe you feel annoyed because you have trouble communicating productively? If you both ignore each other's opinions, rather than listening and compromising, or one of you resorts to yelling or whining or guilt that's probably the root of your problems. Maybe sit down with a therapist or religious leader and try to get to the root of this too. (Please) Only people who are mature enough to compromise with their parents, relatives, friends, and SO are mature enough to get married.
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  • edited December 2011

    I just wanted to say very well said.  I wish I was as good at words as you are here.    And I think most of us were like you couldn't wait to get away from our moms and now they are one of the most imporant people in our lives.  Me and my mom can get on eachothers nerves when we are together for too long but when I go home for a weekend we are inseperable.

    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
  • edited December 2011
    Why would you take her money if you don't like her or want her around?  You have to know that it makes you sound opportunistic. 

    You indicated that you are mature enough to make the life decisions that you are currently involved in making.  I don't know you, so I will assume that you know yourself.  If you are, then you must be able to handle the repercussions of your attitudes and actions.  You will drive her away, and may not have an opportunity to get the relationship back should you change your mind down the road.

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