I'm about to kick my only sister out of my wedding

nugaea · February 2011

So, my sister got married last year, and made me her MOH. I worked hard for her during that one-year time, while balancing a full-time job and single motherhood of a preschooler. I did what I could given the situation. Well, apparently that was not good enough, though she never expressed her dissatisfaction.

Now I'm getting married, and she's causing drama. She says that she cannot participate in my wedding until I resolve her feelings of being let down. Truthfully, I really don't have the time for the drama, so I really just want to say to Hell with her participation. Is that wrong? She's my only syster, and she's a DRAMA QUEEN which is really not something that I deal well with. She has lacked communication skills since we were children and really, because of how she treated me in our youth, I'm really not very close to her now, despite her being very close to my daughter.

Is this something I may regret later? Right now, keeping her in my wedding would ruin it for me and I really just want her out.

jonesma204 · February 2011

bummer...

I don't think it is fair that she did not express her dissatisfaction until now. As for your wedding, is there someone else that could be your MOH? You could keep her in your wedding as a BM, but choose someone else as a MOH that will be more helpful (and less dramatic). This will also prevent your from feeling regretful later on if you kick her out completely.

sorry for your situation

GoodLuckBear14 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-kick-only-sister-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ff69e18-8196-4fde-9660-efc71c6b651cPost:dcf36f30-c7dd-4017-ac90-f2c73c008a53">I'm about to kick my only sister out of my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my sister got married last year, and made me her MOH. I worked hard for her during that one-year time, while balancing a full-time job and single motherhood of a preschooler. I did what I could given the situation. Well, apparently that was not good enough, though she never expressed her dissatisfaction. Now I'm getting married, and she's causing drama. She says that she cannot participate in my wedding until I resolve her feelings of being let down. Truthfully, I really don't have the time for the drama, so I really just want to say to Hell with her participation. Is that wrong? She's my only syster, and she's a DRAMA QUEEN which is really not something that I deal well with. She has lacked communication skills since we were children and really, because of how she treated me in our youth, I'm really not very close to her now, despite her being very close to my daughter. Is this something I may regret later? Right now, keeping her in my wedding would ruin it for me and I really just want her out.
Posted by nugaea[/QUOTE]

Yes. You will regret it. She's going to be your sister for the rest of your life. Kick her out and be prepared for more drama than you could have ever imagined until the day you die.

Your wedding is in November. That's plenty of time for her to grow up and plenty of time for you to have a serious grown up discussion with her about her behavior.

tidetravel · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-kick-only-sister-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ff69e18-8196-4fde-9660-efc71c6b651cPost:dcf36f30-c7dd-4017-ac90-f2c73c008a53">I'm about to kick my only sister out of my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my sister got married last year, and made me her MOH. I worked hard for her during that one-year time, while balancing a full-time job and single motherhood of a preschooler. I did what I could given the situation. Well, apparently that was not good enough, though she never expressed her dissatisfaction. Now I'm getting married, and she's causing drama. She says that she cannot participate in my wedding until I resolve her feelings of being let down. Truthfully, I really don't have the time for the drama, so I really just want to say to Hell with her participation. Is that wrong? She's my only syster, and she's a DRAMA QUEEN which is really not something that I deal well with. She has lacked communication skills since we were children and really, because of how she treated me in our youth, I'm really not very close to her now, despite her being very close to my daughter. Is this something I may regret later? Right now, keeping her in my wedding would ruin it for me and I really just want her out.
Posted by nugaea[/QUOTE]
Does that mean that she refused being in the WP, or that she's expecting you to do/say something to "right the wrong" that you've caused? If she's being passive agressive, and won't accept your request, just tell her, "Alrighty then. I'm sorry that's your decision, l hope to see you at the wedding."

Kicking her out will only add fuel to a drama queen's fire. Keep her in your wedding party, but keep your expectations low. Don't talk to her about the wedding. Don't expect her to plan or participate in any parties. Just expect her to buy a dress and show up. If she can't do that, then she's removed HERSELF from the wedding party.

If she tries to start drama, ignore her. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and know what to expect from her. The less you let it bother you, the less effect she can have on you.

RebeccaB88 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-kick-only-sister-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ff69e18-8196-4fde-9660-efc71c6b651cPost:dcf36f30-c7dd-4017-ac90-f2c73c008a53">I'm about to kick my only sister out of my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] She says that she cannot participate in my wedding until I resolve her feelings of being let down. Posted by nugaea[/QUOTE]

Um, they're HER feelings, not yours. How does she expect YOU to fix HER feelings? And exactly what is she wanting you to do here? She needs to resolve her own feelings, no one can fix stuff like that for her. She needs to communicate with you why she's hurt and what she needs from you to feel better. If she can't do that, then that isn't your problem. You can say 'hey, I'm ready to talk about this whenever you are', but if she doesn't want to talk, then there's nothing you can do about it.

However, if you've already asked her to be in the wedding, you can't un-ask her. You will just have to deal with the drama, unless she takes herself out of it. If you haven't asked her yet, then I'd think you were justified in not asking, and not doing anything wrong (although it might be another reason for her to feel like her feelings are hurt and make more drama... only you can decide if it's worth that).

nugaea · February 2011

Thanks jonesma. I was thinking of that, actually. She's actually my Matron of Honor. It was originally just going to be her and my fiance's bestfriend in the wedding party, but when I first told her about the engagement, we got into an argument about it and I decided to add in a Maid of Honor and a bridesmaid to serve as my buffer in the event of more theatrics. Knowing her, she'll take it as a slight and will pull some sort of stunt. I know she will, which gives me reservations about having her in the ceremony at all.

sister2groom · February 2011

If you haven't already added that MOH and BM, don't. It really stinks for the BM when the honor attendants outnumber/are close to the same number as the regular ones (you're sort of singling out the non-honor ones rather than the honor ones), you don't NEED a MOH. If you have added them, what's done is done.

Also, even if your sister drops out, do not add a replacement, because the new girl will feel like a replacement, and no one wants to be second choice.

Don't kick her out, especially since it sounds like she's going to take herself out. If she takes herself out, she looks bad, she has started all the drama and you've done nothing wrong. If you kick her out, you've done something extremely hurtfu, potentially relationship-ending.

nugaea · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-kick-only-sister-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ff69e18-8196-4fde-9660-efc71c6b651cPost:ad94895e-c567-450b-af51-8ad7aae71c70">Re: I'm about to kick my only sister out of my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to I'm about to kick my only sister out of my wedding : Um, they're HER feelings, not yours. How does she expect YOU to fix HER feelings? And exactly what is she wanting you to do here? She needs to resolve her own feelings, no one can fix stuff like that for her. She needs to communicate with you why she's hurt and what she needs from you to feel better. If she can't do that, then that isn't your problem. You can say 'hey, I'm ready to talk about this whenever you are', but if she doesn't want to talk, then there's nothing you can do about it. However, if you've already asked her to be in the wedding, you can't un-ask her. You will just have to deal with the drama, unless she takes herself out of it. If you haven't asked her yet, then I'd think you were justified in not asking, and not doing anything wrong (although it might be another reason for her to feel like her feelings are hurt and make more drama... only you can decide if it's worth that).
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

Truthfully, I'm not ready to talk to her about this until she dials it down a notch. I wish I could repost the email that she sent to me, accusing me hiding details of my wedding from her (mind you, the only one who knows details is my mom and his mom, and that's because a) they ask, and b) they're helping us pay for things. We really haven't had the time to stand still and make phonecalls with everything else going on). Seriously, ladies. This woman is DRAMA incarnate. My brother is telling me to be the bigger person and humble myself and talk her through it, but truthfully, I have no desire to do that this time. I do that ALL THE TIME with her. ALL THE TIME. Am I wrong to not do it now?

You ladies are the best. Thanks for the feedback!

tidetravel · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-kick-only-sister-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ff69e18-8196-4fde-9660-efc71c6b651cPost:5f050d5b-d594-4c8d-afbb-9db027dbf65d">Re: I'm about to kick my only sister out of my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm about to kick my only sister out of my wedding : Truthfully, I'm not ready to talk to her about this until she dials it down a notch. I wish I could repost the email that she sent to me, accusing me hiding details of my wedding from her (mind you, the only one who knows details is my mom and his mom, and that's because a) they ask, and b) they're helping us pay for things. We really haven't had the time to stand still and make phonecalls with everything else going on). Seriously, ladies. This woman is DRAMA incarnate. My brother is telling me to be the bigger person and humble myself and talk her through it, but truthfully, I have no desire to do that this time. I do that ALL THE TIME with her. ALL THE TIME. Am I wrong to not do it now? You ladies are the best. Thanks for the feedback!
Posted by nugaea[/QUOTE]

I think this sounds like a splendid idea.

rknox88 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-kick-only-sister-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ff69e18-8196-4fde-9660-efc71c6b651cPost:632187ca-df05-4469-8281-ab58e8c7d312">Re: I'm about to kick my only sister out of my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]bummer... I don't think it is fair that she did not express her dissatisfaction until now. As for your wedding, is there someone else that could be your MOH? You could keep her in your wedding as a BM, but choose someone else as a MOH that will be more helpful (and less dramatic). This will also prevent your from feeling regretful later on if you kick her out completely. sorry for your situation :(
Posted by jonesma204[/QUOTE]

Not this. If you have already asked your sister to be MOH do not replace that position with someone else. If she steps down then there is not MOH because anyone you ask will feel crummy about it being they weren't good enough when you made your original decision.

Secondly, I don't understand what your sister has to be upset about or what you expect from your sister as a memeber of your WP. All the MOH really has to do is buy the dress and show up. I also believe they should be generally supportive of the nuptuals as well. But that is it. Did you show up to sister's wedding in the dress that was selected? If yes, she needs to grow up. Also, realize that is really all she has to do for you as MOH as well.

GoodLuckBear14 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-kick-only-sister-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ff69e18-8196-4fde-9660-efc71c6b651cPost:a57ecdb9-507f-4a5f-a765-7fcae6e4dc03">Re: I'm about to kick my only sister out of my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks jonesma. I was thinking of that, actually. She's actually my Matron of Honor. It was originally just going to be her and my fiance's bestfriend in the wedding party, but when I first told her about the engagement, we got into an argument about it and I decided to add in a Maid of Honor and a bridesmaid to serve as my buffer in the event of more theatrics. Knowing her, she'll take it as a slight and will pull some sort of stunt. I know she will, which gives me reservations about having her in the ceremony at all.
Posted by nugaea[/QUOTE]

OP - you got sound advice from everyone here except jonesma -who gave you quite possibly the worst advice you can get. Your situation is not unique and we've seen it before (some of us have a few thousand more posts than our post count says). Some of us deal with these drama queens in our own lives - for me it's a drama queen cousin.

SSaltzman87 · February 2011

I too agree that kicking her out would only fuel the fire and give her more ammo to use against you. This is really quite a petty thing to consider booting her out for, she's the one making a spectacle. It was unfair of her to not express her dissatisfaction until it was too late for you to fix it. How could she possibly expect you to make it up to her now?

I think this warrants an open, honest talk to air any grievances. Also, she needs to move on.

deepcovejackie · February 2011

Yeah, don't demote her. That's not a good idea. Avoid sharing wedding details with her whenever possible, and don't spend months trying to please her. If she doesn't want to become involved in planning, that's probably best anyway. If she shows up in a dress at your wedding, then yay, she's in.

nugaea · February 2011

All sound advise. Thank you so much ladies. At the very least, you have made me feel a little less crazy with all of this!

heinz11msw · February 2011

What's the difference if she stands in a pretty dress next to you verses sitting in a pretty dress in the pew?

Same thing really... only kicking her out would cause hurt and she may not forgive you.

Just don't ask her to help you plan anything. Heck, I did everything myself and didn't ask my bridesmaids for help anyways. It isn't their job.

Also, what do you mean by "participate"? All she needs to do is stand up there and look pretty..

deb84 · March 2011

She can (and will) still cause drama even if she is not MOH, not a bridesmaid, and YES even if she is not even a guest. People who want to cause drama find a way. Kicking her out will cause MUCH more drama in your life. She is your sister forever. I'm really sorry that you don't get along very well but that might change someday in the future. However, kicking her out or demoting her will cause that to be much less likely. Suck it up and leave things as they are.

AshleyNicole81 · March 2011

Its not fair to you that she seem to have held this grudge so that she could get back at you. I really think you need to breathe and relax and have a converstation with her.
If she is just going to be impossible with you (which I am sure my sisters have done to me before) I would personal fight fire with fire and tell her,
"Fine don't do anything but show up in your dress on this day, I will see you there"
But I am also a little mean and fight my sisters fire with the same fire.

Or you could give her some good old fashion italian guilt, as my Mama and I call it, Tell her she is just breaking your heart you tried your best and never ever thought that youy disappointed her that much and well now maybe she just should not even be in the wedding so that she doesn't get mad. ALways on the verge of crying and rambaling, if she is like my sisters at some point she will stop me and we work it our then

I hope something helps. I don't think you should really kick her out but take back the power she is holding yes
Good Luck and Smile!

meganb1977 · March 2011

Sounds like you are having a hard time communicating and getting on the same wavelength with her. Can you recruit your mother/aunt/grandma/friend/etc. who has been helpful diffusing her drama in the past, to act as a mediator?

I'm about to kick my only sister out of my wedding

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