Thanks for you help!

BJwinterwedding · September 2010

IThis used to be a post about a problem... but since taking your advice I thought i would delete the post and just be happy about the people who will be there. Thanks.

Brooklclark · September 2010

i hope things work out for you. but i would tell her how i really feel

trix1223 · September 2010

I understand that you are disappointed. And it's okay to be disappointed. But please remember that shower invitations are not subpoenas, and attendance is NOT mandatory.

I assume you went to her events because you wanted to. Yes, you felt some measure of obligation, but no one tied you up and dragged you to those events. And attendance at pre-wedding festivities is not a tit for tat thing. Just because you went to hers, there is no reciprocal mandate for her to attend yours.

And I really think that Brookclark's advice is just awful. What exactly will you accomplish by whining to your FSIL? It won't change anything, and will just give people the opportunity to say you're turning into a bridezilla. Note: I didn't say you were turning into a 'zilla. I said people would say you are.

Because that's how it will be perceived.

But bottom line: your FSIL still won't attend your shower, and people will think badly of you.

So be disappointed for a day or two. Then let it go. And focus on sharing your shower with the people who are there, rather than pouting about people who aren't there. You'll be much happier. I promise.

trix1223 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:9aeae2c8-0d2b-4f5c-a382-cb2f11f5c41ePost:b57e49b2-2b4c-4de2-9819-5d1b750b2980">Please HELP!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a problem. My future sister-in-law (my fiances brother's wife) and I get a long. The four of us (my fi, his bro and her) do a lot of things together and I would consider her a friend as well. My shower has been set since May?/June and she has asked but never wrote down the date. Last week she asked me the date again so she could finally write it down and said " Oh, I can't go to your shower, I bought tickets for the football game yesterday." Here is some other history" She had about 5 -6 showers I was invited to 2 and went to 2, they also had an engagement party, i went to that. Since, they have had a baby, I went to 2 showers for that too (cancelling plans for some) but my FI comes from a small family and his mom and I would be the only ones representing his side so I consider it mandatory and was happy to do it. I left it alontethinking that she would figure something out, afterall I am only having one shower! Then the other day she sent me another e-mail to cancel another commitment with Fi and I so that she can fit in all her other commitments without missing the football game over the next few weeks. What should I do? FI wants to tell his brother that it is mandatory that she attends regardless of the game because we are family and we have made lots of compromises for them. But now, do I really want her there after she has made it clear that maybe we aren't as close as I thought and that she would prefer to go to the game. Overall, I am hurt and disappointed. I know that people will have other plans and not everyone can attend my shower but she is family and i thought that my FI and I were more important. Thoughts? What would you do?
Posted by BJwinterwedding[/QUOTE]

vsgal · September 2010

It is disappointing that she can't make it, but remember that her life doesn't revolve around your pre-wedding parties. Sure you went out of your way to attend her events, but it is irrational to hold her to the same standards. She is free to do what she wants in her spare time. Attending any pre-wedding function is NOT MANDATORY!! Nobody cares about your wedding more than you do. Repeat that over and over and your stress levels will go down.

To you a football game is not important, but maybe to her it is a huge deal. We live in a football house and it gets very excitable here on Sunday and Monday night. My team plays in our area once a year. H's team plays every four or so years. We go every opportunity to watch them play. To H and I, live football is very important and it trumps most other events that are going on locally.

Do not say anything to her. Honestly, what is that going to do? If I was in your SIL's position and you asked me why I was going to a game instead of coming to your shower, I would be very put off. I wouldn't change plans. Is in some crazy instance I did come to your shower, I would not have a good time. Persuing this will cause a lot of conflict in your family and this shower is not worth it! Let it go. Don't confront her. Have a good time at your shower. Move on.

heyimbren · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:9aeae2c8-0d2b-4f5c-a382-cb2f11f5c41ePost:2d479236-9c6b-403d-95fb-35e805ebb7f2">Re: Please HELP!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand that you are disappointed. And it's okay to be disappointed. But please remember that shower invitations are not subpoenas, and attendance is NOT mandatory. I assume you went to her events because you wanted to. Yes, you felt some measure of obligation, but no one tied you up and dragged you to those events. And attendance at pre-wedding festivities is not a tit for tat thing. Just because you went to hers, there is no reciprocal mandate for her to attend yours. And I really think that Brookclark's advice is just awful. What exactly will you accomplish by whining to your FSIL? It won't change anything, and will just give people the opportunity to say you're turning into a bridezilla. Note: I didn't say you were turning into a 'zilla. I said people would say you are. Because that's how it will be perceived. But bottom line: your FSIL still won't attend your shower, and people will think badly of you. So be disappointed for a day or two. Then let it go. And focus on sharing your shower with the people who are there, rather than pouting about people who aren't there. You'll be much happier. I promise.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

The more I see Trix post, I just realize there's no point in me saying the same thing over again. She said it best, listen to her.

quotequeen · September 2010

FI wants to tell his brother that it is mandatory that she attends regardless of the game because we are family and we have made lots of compromises for them.

There is no such thing as mandatory attendance at the shower. You cannot force her to attend and telling her that it's "mandatory" is only going to make you look absurd. And your fiance's brother's wife is not that close of a relationship anyway so I'm not sure why you are making such a huge deal out of this.

brilibby4 · September 2010

I said other because none of your options really fit my opinion. I don't think you should do or say anything because it isn't that big of a deal. I understand why you are disappointed but I also don't think she will "look bad" for not showing up. Showers really aren't that big of a deal for anyone other than the bride, imo. There will probably be people who won't be able to make it to your wedding for various reasons but that is just something you need to accept and let go because there really isn't anything you can do to change their minds.

mysticl · September 2010

A) She actually isn't your family. She is married to your FI's brother. She won't become family until you and FI are married.

Not one single person on this planet is required to attend any party ever thrown for you or anyone else.
C) No good will come from your FI telling your brother what is mandatory for his wife to do. What does he expect out of this? That his brother will divorce his wife if she doesn't attend?
D) How would you like it if your FI's brother started telling YOU want was mandatory for you to attend?

loop0406 · September 2010

Your fiance is wrong, it's not mandatory for her to attend. If she can't, then she can't. If your fiance tells his brother and she is FORCED to show up, it will be akward !

quotequeen · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:9aeae2c8-0d2b-4f5c-a382-cb2f11f5c41ePost:d2ccdccd-ef0d-4a57-ba90-3e2cb8b99af2">Re: Please HELP!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for you advice. We know that nothing is mandatory and that people won't be able to attend. I think that we are just upset because in retrospect w=everything we do in hi sfamily revolves around her i.e. when she wants thanksgiving, when she wants to have christmas with their family, and we are tired of the fact that she is so self-centred. We also asked her to do a reading at the church because she wanted a role in our wedding and we didn't want to disclude her but she sees to be discluding herself. Please note that we understand that people won't be able to come to the shower--I have had to RSVP No to many but I even though she technically is not my family yet.... My FI considers her to be and now only 50 % of his family will be comiong to the shower-HIS mom whom she already has put a wedge between. If she comes or not she is creating more of a divide among the family if we do anything or not because it is going to happen unfortunately because of her relatiopnship with his parents. Thanks for your advice. Don't worry I won't become a bridezilla it really isn't my style and wouldn't do anything to make my FI and or myself look stupid or follosih in this situation but the few people that I have spoken to about it say that it is her who will look poorly for skipping it not because she has other obligations because she forgot to write down the date and then didn't come. :) OH,well.... not my problem! Thanks again.
Posted by BJwinterwedding[/QUOTE]

This is all very confusing. What does your FI's SIL's relationship with your FI's mother have to do with you? Also, whether she attends your shower has no bearing on her ability to do a reading at your ceremony.

mysticl · September 2010

How will she look foolish? Do you plan to tell everyone that she didn't write down the date? That will only make you look petty and it still doesn't make her look foolish.

BTW: It's exclude not disclude

heyimbren · September 2010

I don't think anyone looks foolish for being unable to attend a shower, FYI.

It's just a shower. If she acts rude in any other way, that's a different story.

Thanks for you help!

Re: Thanks for you help!

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