So scared...

MyWedding13 · July 2010

So, this is my first wedding (and my fiance's first) but lately I have been so paranoid and scared that why bother because what if we get divorced?! Am I being super irrational, or is this a normal pre-wedding worry?

goheels05 · July 2010

A happy marriage doesn't just happen--it takes a lot of work. If you have specific concerns about your relationship, discuss them with your FI. Also, before you get married, spend some time talking about how you both feel about fighting fair, money matters, splitting household chores, and whether or not to have children and when. Consider getting enrolled in a premarital counseling class, or at a minimum, get some books to read together to help foster discussion. One of my favorite books to read before we got married was The Five Love Languages. Others on the boards have recommended other good books, so hopefully they will post them here.

jakeryan08 · July 2010

For being a newlywed you are venturing in to the unknown. My mom always used to say that we are all scared of what we don't know. Why don't you take a minute to picture you're life without him, what is your emotion? If you love him it is worth not knowing what will happen in the future. You probably just have some coldfeet and need a pep talk!!! Good luck.

M&R7111 · July 2010

When I go into my marriage, I am going to be very sure in assuming that my husband and I WONT get a divorce. If there is any way that I can picture a divorce as a possibility, I wouldn't be getting married and we would be in couple's counseling. I consider my "first" wedding to be my ONLY wedding.

But I guess it's all in how you see marriage. Now-a-days, divorce is so common that people assume it's part of the package.

I do, however, have fears of how we will handle situations when life gets rough - money issues, kids, life in general. But we talk about those things and make a commitment to be honest, open, and communicate during those times.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

You can't worry about the what if's. If we worried about every single what if's we wouldn't get anywhere. Yes, marriage is a challenge and an adventure, but you have to be willing to work at it for it to be happy and succesful, as you would with anything else you set out to accomplish.

I would definitely talk about some of this with FI and check into some pre-marital counseling either with your priest/pastor or with a private counseler that specializes in marriages. I have heard of some good books out there as well, but haven't read any yet myself.

I am sure everything will be fine. Take a deep breath and relax. Good luck

MyWedding13 · July 2010

Thank you for all of the advice!

jenn.daniel · July 2010

I second heels: The Five Love Languages was very good.

Based on friends' comfort levels, it seems like people whose parents divorced are more worred that it will happen to them too.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · July 2010

I loved The Five Love Languages!

We are also reading Love and Respect, as well.

ladyfriend1015 · July 2010

x

AmandalovesAl · July 2010

I had that freak out about a month into the engagement. It's understandable and you should see it as a serious commitment. That is a good thing. I would talk to your FI (I did and that helped). If you still feel this way in another month or so, I would absolutly sign up for couples counseling. We are doing it thru my church because it's required, but I am looking forward to it. Good luck

HKD817 · July 2010

To be honest with you, I had a previous relationship for 5 yrs and he asked me to marry him, the second he said I panicked, I said no and we broke up. I thought I really loved him and that was what I wanted but when I was faced with it I realized it wasn't right for me. 2 years after that I met my fiancee. We got engaged on our 2yr anniversary. He didnt even get out his whole sentence before I jumped on him crying/screaming/laughing. My gut reaction tells me everything I need to know. I'm looking forward to this wedding more than I would have thought and I think it is because it feels soooooo right!

loritajean · July 2010

I think nowadays people are so used to everything being easy... especially with new technology and whatnot.

People don't realize that marriage takes work. Even my FI and I had some huge problems at the beginning of the relationship, and they didn't go away until we had a lot of discussions, tons of compromise and even more understanding.

It's not going to be easy, but if you're willing to be flexible, compromise, talk things out and be patient, you should be fine

Sing2phins · July 2010

Yes, I worry about what-ifs, too. But here's the thing: *no one* knows how their relationship is going to turn out. It's all a big leap of faith, and you have to choose each other every day, and be committed to working through the hard parts together. Because it's not going to be all puppies and rainbows - there will be hard parts. The important thing is to recognize that, ultimately, both of you want the same thing.

It's ok to be scared; it's a big deal. But, like someone else said, imagine *not* marrying him - how does that feel? When I worry, I sometimes imagine a life married to someone who's not D, or imagine him marrying someone else, and the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me that being with him, even when it's hard, is where I belong.

My mom always says, you have to just do the best you can, keep talking to your FI, and always be honest with each other.

Srbageldog · July 2010

I had a similar freak out about a month or two ago. Not that I worried that our marriage would end in divorce- it was more a questioning of whether I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with my FI. I love him with all my heart, but he does have a lot of emotional baggage from his past (2 previous relationships which resulted in children) which will always be attached to him. My questioning was really more of a matter as to whether or not I was prepared to deal with these issues for the rest of my life. And, after considering the alternatives, decided, yes. I love this man, and that includes loving whatever comes with him- and his children, if they ever become more involved in his life (atm both mothers keep the children away- it's a complicated matter I don't wish to discuss on here.) I do worry that at some point in time, either ex might pop up demanding money or stirring up problems, and I worry about how that will effect our finances or our future childrens lives. I have made it clear to him that I will never turn his children away. However, I cannot honestly say I love either of his children, as I have yet to meet them. I would love to meet them, but do worry about having to deal with ex's. Anyway, all at once the realization that I would have to be dealing with this stuff for the rest of my life just sort of... overwhelmed me and I freaked out. I've gotten over it and can't wait to marry my FI and spend the rest of my life with him. Loving him includes sticking by him through thick and thin, no matter what the future may bring.

So scared...

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