Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Second Ceremony/ Wedding "Do-Over" Help!

My husband and I are already married, because I wanted to be married before our baby was born. We had a very small ceremony in my mother in law's living room. It was a disaster!! The preacher couldn't read, and read the vows all wrong!! My brother was completely wasted and wouldn't shut up throughout the ceremony, and apparently my husband and I were the only people in the room who thought it would be polite to turn our cell phones OFF during the ceremony because phones were ringing through the entire ceremony!! I have always wanted a big, pretty, white wedding, and I would like to do a kind of "do-over" ceremony. However, I am wondering if there is any other vows or readings that the preacher or whoever can say, because we are already married. Maybe some sort of vow renewal reading? Is this a bad idea, because we are already married and everyone knows it?? Is this pointless for me to send all this money on a ceremony when I'm already married? Please help!

Re: Second Ceremony/ Wedding "Do-Over" Help!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_second-ceremony-wedding-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b63ff7c6-6c52-4d6f-b5fd-c617b41b9ff3Post:252a7736-39b5-4af1-9992-3d1abd26fec3">Second Ceremony/ Wedding "Do-Over" Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My husband and I are already married, because I wanted to be married before our baby was born. We had a very small ceremony in my mother in law's living room. It was a disaster!! The preacher couldn't read, and read the vows all wrong!! My brother was completely wasted and wouldn't shut up throughout the ceremony, and apparently my husband and I were the only people in the room who thought it would be polite to turn our cell phones OFF during the ceremony because phones were ringing through the entire ceremony!! I have always wanted a big, pretty, white wedding, and I would like to do a kind of "do-over" ceremony. However, I am wondering if there is any other vows or readings that the preacher or whoever can say, because we are already married. Maybe some sort of vow renewal reading? Is this a bad idea, because we are already married and everyone knows it?? Is this pointless for me to send all this money on a ceremony when I'm already married? Please help!
    Posted by 846705375007204[/QUOTE]

    To answer your final two questions, yes and yes.  It sucks that your ceremony didn't work out all that well, but having a "do-over" is just going to look gift-grabby, even if that isn't your intent.  Wait until the 5 or 10 year mark and do a big anniversary party with a vow renewal ceremony. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2009
    Yup, it is a bad idea.  You are already married.  It sucks that the wedding wasn't what you wanted, but you made the decision to have it there.  That's life.  Not everything comes out the way you plan it, and you don't get whatever you want.

    Having a fake re-do ceremony would just make you look gift and attention grabby.  Focus your money, time and energy on your kid. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_second-ceremony-wedding-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b63ff7c6-6c52-4d6f-b5fd-c617b41b9ff3Post:252a7736-39b5-4af1-9992-3d1abd26fec3">Second Ceremony/ Wedding "Do-Over" Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My husband and I are already married,
    Posted by ktlyn430[/QUOTE]

    You should just stop right there. You answered your own question.

    n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_second-ceremony-wedding-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b63ff7c6-6c52-4d6f-b5fd-c617b41b9ff3Post:252a7736-39b5-4af1-9992-3d1abd26fec3">Second Ceremony/ Wedding "Do-Over" Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE] Is this a bad idea, because we are already married and everyone knows it?? Is this pointless for me to send all this money on a ceremony when I'm already married?
    Posted by ktlyn430[/QUOTE]

    Yes and yes
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2009

    Having a do-over wedding will look like an obvious ploy for gifts and attention, not to mention the annoyance people will feel because they'll think you are just whining that things didn't go your way.  Move past it, plan a big party for your 10 year anniversary, and concentrate your efforts and money on caring for and raising your child.

    Even though it didn't go the way you wanted, at the end of the day you were married, which was the entire point.

  • You're already married.  By that very fact, you can't have another wedding, because as I just said:  You're Already Married.

    You made a decision to have the wedding you did.  And grown-ups live with the consequences of their decisions, regardless of whether they turn out the way you thought they would.

    Chalk it up to a lesson well learned.  Enjoy your beautiful daughter.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • If 5 seconds before the ceremony on your pretty princess day you decide for some reason to "break up", if you need to get divorced to legally do so, then you already had your "real" wedding.

    It's terrible that things didn't go the way you wanted it, I really mean that, but you made the decision to get married the way you did. It doesn't matter what your reasons where, you chose to do things this way instead of waiting until you could afford the wedding you wanted. I'm not judging you for that choice, but that doesn't mean you're entitled to a "do-over".

    I say that maybe on an important anniversary, like your 10th, you can have vow renewal where you can do it up however you see fit. But don't go planning something big now and call it "re-do" because you didn't like how your first ceremony wnet.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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  • I think a vow renewal would be beautiful and judging from your sign-up date, you guys have probably been married at least five years so I don't see why you can't do that.  I would just pass the word along through the grapevine that you guys don't expect presents, as that part might not be appropriate if you received them the first time.
  • You could've made the decision to have a larger wedding the first time around. Instead, you chose to marry sooner before your child was born (which is fine).

    My opinion - you had your chance, and you made your choice. You don't get do-overs in life.

    I agree with those who said to save the money that would've been spent on a party, and put it toward your child instead - maybe into a college fund or something. That will be a much better investment than a one-day party.
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  • I get what the other posters are saying, but really its your money so you can do what you want with it. It doesnt make you a bad person to want to "re-do" it. However, I would do a vow renewal not a re-do. But I would make sure that you pass it through friends and family that gifts are not expected.
  • no do-overs. you're married. the end.
  • Weddings are about celebrating your love for one another- why shouldn't you be able to celebrate that marriage and love every day!!!! If you feel that you did not get the wedding of your dreams then you deserve to have that special day.  Against the argument that others have posted, if you were with a different guy (ie divorce) then wouldnt everyone say that it is okay to have another wedding---but you are the lucky one, you have your prince charming and the two of you have now turned into your family and what a better way to celebrate that then with your friends and family! unfortunately weddings get extremely expensive, but who says that it has to be the cookie cutter wedding?  My fiance and I have a tight budget but at the end of the day it is about the ones who are around you:) if you feel gift concerned make a special note on the invite that says that their gift is their presence at your reneval vows:) and you could even include your little one in the ceremony:) life does bring you disappointment but it is what you do with it that counts, stuffing it under the rug doesnt help you, but laughing at the first and realizing what your family now has to celebrate is what matters!!! congrats~~~
  • scoettoscoetto member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2009
    Yes you can have a vow renewal. J and I eloped privately in our living room and 11 months later had a vow renewal with family and friends. We had family fly out from CA to VA just to attend. Our family and friends viewed the party as a celebration of our love and a chance for all to gather together (a family reunion, if you will, but aren't most weddings that anyway?). We were both sincerely surprised, elated and honored that our family from all over decided to come share our special day.

    Since we were already married, my Uncle officiated the ceremony. We had our friends stand up for us. We exchanged rings (which we hadn't done in our private ceremony) and vows (but they were tailored to a vow renewal) and I wore the same dress I would've worn on my "real" wedding day. We had a small ceremony/reception - 50 people - and we paid for most of it ourselves. Our mothers graciously gifted us some aspects of the wedding (my mother paid for the bar, his mother chipped in on the decor, we paid for everything else on our own). We made sure guests knew we didn't want or need gifts, but we received them anyway. 
     
    I think if it's something you want to do, go for it. Don't let naysayers discourage you. I was discouraged several times during the planning process and got upset at how strangers were viewing what we were doing. But it was our family and friend who were excited for the party and helped us plan. In the end it was all worth it. Do what you want. It's called a vow renewal. And I wouldn't have changed either day for the world.

  • ~I don't think that it's gift grabby if you don't ask for gifts
    ~I don't think that it's wrong to want your pretty princess day
    ~I don't like the judgement people pass and assume that these are the things that you want
    ~I don't like the comments that you're already married so you can't have a celebration or your marriage
    ~I don't like that I can't call it what I want and that I have to refer to it as a "vow renewal"

    OK...that's all my opinion, now here's my advice....

    You had your wedding.  You can't erase those memories.  Unless the people that acted like [email protected]@holes aren't invited this time you're just going to pay more money for them to act like [email protected]@holes.

    I suggest a destination wedding or vow renewal for you and your husband and your child(ren).  Make it a vacation and a celebration, buy the dress, rent the tuxes, have the flowers and the champagne, but it's what YOU want and creating the memories for YOU.  A big expensive white wedding a marriage does not make.  Good Luck!

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    FWIW, I know one person IRL that did this.  They did a quickie ceremony at the courthouse b/c they wanted to get married before the baby came.  Then a year or two later, they decided that they'd missed out, and threw a big wedding. 

    To their face, everyone told them that they deserved their day and it was cool.  Behind their backs, everyone commented about how immature the couple was for not being able to live with the consequences of their decisions.  Everyone thought they'd done it just for the gifts (even though they didn't register) and thought it was incredibly self-centered and immature.

    Moral of the story: your friends will tell you that it is fine.  But people will be thinking the same things that a lot of the people here are saying.  The difference is that strangers will tell you to your face.  You have a young child now.  It's time to realize that you don't always get everything you wanted when you were a child, and start focusing on taking care of your own child, rather than your childhood dreams.
  • I have to ditto MyNameIsNot on this. I've actually seen 2 different couples that did this (1 did it because of pregnancy and the other did it for insurance reasons). Well, the one with the pregnancy is in the process of planning the "real" wedding. Yes, everybody is/was nice to the couples' faces about it, but the second they leave the room, people talk (and roll their eyes) ... and yeah, they're excited for a party with a bar, but for the most part, there's a lot  of "If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to have your priorities in line".

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  • I would suggest having a vow renewal and/or getting your marriage blessed by your church. You can still have a reception after either of those events. However, wearing the big white dress when you are already married seems a bit silly and a waste of money to me.
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  • I don't think there is anything wrong with it, especially if most weren't invited to your original vows.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_second-ceremony-wedding-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b63ff7c6-6c52-4d6f-b5fd-c617b41b9ff3Post:83ef4718-ee03-4d74-ada9-ad37abee3abc">Re: Second Ceremony/ Wedding "Do-Over" Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]FWIW, I know one person IRL that did this.  They did a quickie ceremony at the courthouse b/c they wanted to get married before the baby came.  Then a year or two later, they decided that they'd missed out, and threw a big wedding.  To their face, everyone told them that they deserved their day and it was cool.  Behind their backs, everyone commented about how immature the couple was for not being able to live with the consequences of their decisions.  Everyone thought they'd done it just for the gifts (even though they didn't register) and thought it was incredibly self-centered and immature. Moral of the story: your friends will tell you that it is fine.  But people will be thinking the same things that a lot of the people here are saying.  The difference is that strangers will tell you to your face.  You have a young child now.  It's time to realize that you don't always get everything you wanted when you were a child, and start focusing on taking care of your own child, rather than your childhood dreams.
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    I know a couple who did this, too, and it's the same way with them.  What they did was horribly tacky, but their friends and family love them so they would never want to hurt their feelings, but no one agrees with what they did.

    We're all adults here and as adults, we make decisions that have consequences, and we have to live with those consequences.  When did our society become so entitled?  It's sad, really.
  • I second hollieheidi 's suggestion about a destination vow renewal.

  • I agree. FI and I had a baby before we were married and we could have easily thrown together a simple ceremony to get things done before the baby came but that's not what we wanted. We decided we'd rather wait until after the baby was born because we had been together for 5 years and really wanted our dream wedding (and by dream I don't mean anything elaborate, just a great party with our friends and family). You only get ONE wedding. I think a vow renewal would be ok but you decided it was more important for you to be married before the baby than to have your dream wedding and you can't change your mind.
  • I'm late but I just wanted to chime in. You only live once and if you want to have a wedding/ceremony do it. It's about you, you really can't be concerned with what others think of it. It's your money, it's your life. If you think your family will judge you behind your back, don't invite them. They must not really love you if they are so judgmental of you. I'm serious, you only live once,do you really want to spend it in constant worry of how others may judge you or do you want to have the wedding you didn't have the first time around. You could maybe wait until the 10 year mark and have a vow renewal or you could have it tomorrow. There aren't any hard and fast rules on vow renewals. To me, it's all about celebrating your love, period, just like a wedding.
  • oh, but I don't think you should expect/accept gifts. Just make it a celebration
  • Well, I guess love is different for different people. But to me, if my family was laughing and talking trash about me behind my back, I wouldn't consider that love. And I just don't understand what's so childish about wanting to celebrate your love by having a ceremony.
  • But they had a ceremony.  FI and I celebrate our love every day, we don't need to drop a few grand and throw a party to show it every time.  We get to do that once.

    Honestly, I might say to just go for it, do what you want--except that they have a kid.  The money that would go into a wedding "do-over" would go a long way toward the needs of that child, and the child's needs trump the parents' wants every time.  Frankly, part of being an adult is coping with not being able to get everything yoy want.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • But how do you know, that the kids needs aren't already taken care of? And just because they want to have a ceremony doesn't mean that they don't show their love everyday, like you and your hubby.But she wants to have a celebration, I just am missing why people think this is so selfish/childish. Nobody needs to have a big party to get married. They do it because they want a special day with family and friends, they want to wear a pretty dress, they want all the pomp and circumstance. None of these things are necessary but it's what people want. She wants the same tihng and I don't see anything wrong with it. So many celebs have done this, Giselle and Tom, Salma Hayek and her hubby, Gwen Stefani. It's just not hurting anybody. It's all in good fun :)
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It is childish because she already had a wedding.  Doing a do over is stamping your foot and saying that one wasn't good enough, do it again.  It is selfish because people have better things to do that spend their time and money coming to an attention party.

    Adults realize that a wedding is a once in a lifetime event (at least per spouse.)  Doing it all over again is just about getting attention.  Part of being an adult is realizing that things don't always work out the way you want or expect, but you take it in stride and move on.  You do not rewind and try to do everything over just because it wasn't perfect.  The purpose of a wedding is to get married.  They are married.  There's no need to do it again.
  • dsg728dsg728 member
    10 Comments
    edited January 2010
    Well, that's your opinion and  to each his own, but I personally don't think it's that serious. And if people don't like the idea, they just SHOULDN'T come. No one said that just because someone's invited they have to go (since when was that the case).  No big deal, I'm sure she wants people who want to celebrate with her and not people who feel that harshly about the whole thing. To the OP, it's your life, do as you please, please :) Over and out.
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