Moms and Maids

Mom isnt too excited. HELP

Hey everyone, I need some help.  I am SUPER excited about my wedding.  I've been waiting for this for practically 4 years.  The problem is ... I can't seem to get my mother excited .... at all.  She seems more worried about everything else in the world.  Everytime I ask her to care a little bit more she just says "oh just go get married at the courthouse, you don't need a wedding".   When I ask her opinion on things she'll make a joke out of it.  Me and my fiance are payin for the whole wedding, simply because she just finds them "pointless".  I don't mind paying, I just really want her to be there for this experience.  Any idea how to get her more excited?

Re: Mom isnt too excited. HELP

  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-isnt-excited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3949391c-4df9-4e7b-8713-accce13612d9Post:2d0b3056-b153-4c66-82e7-9f3a8d8438df">Mom isnt too excited. HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey everyone, I need some help.  I am SUPER excited about my wedding.  I've been waiting for this for practically 4 years.  The problem is ... I can't seem to get my mother excited .... at all.  She seems more worried about everything else in the world.  Everytime I ask her to care a little bit more she just says "oh just go get married at the courthouse, you don't need a wedding".   When I ask her opinion on things she'll make a joke out of it.  Me and my fiance are payin for the whole wedding, simply because she just finds them "pointless".  I don't mind paying, I just really want her to be there for this experience.  Any idea how to get her more excited?
    Posted by Shealyn2010[/QUOTE]
    Not everyone is into weddings.  I'm sure she's happy for you, but the minutiae of party planning is excruciating to a sizeable percentage of the population.

    Bounce your ideas off the boards here, or off friends and family who show an interest in the plans, and otherwise plan it with your FI (you know, the other person getting married?).  Yeah, in a perfect world, your mother would be cooing over every detail, but it's not a perfect world.  You'll be much happier if you accept and love her for who she is rather than trying to make her into something she's not.  And who knows, maybe once it gets closer, she'll start getting more interested.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Shealyn2010Shealyn2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not making her into anything.  I never asked her to pay a dime, or to even come dress shopping with me.  All I asked was for her to not make jokes everytime I mention our wedding and to atleast pretend to be happy.

    as for my FI (yeah, the other person. thanks) he's one of the "you plan it, I'll pay for it" kind of men. Therefore, theres not to much interest there.


    but thanks.
  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    No one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are.
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    So stop talking about the wedding with her if you don't like how she reacts.  She's not required to know all the details.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • edited December 2011
    here is a response to ACTUALLY help you with this problem....maybe ask your mom what her favorite part of a wedding is and then ask for her help with that part...maybe she likes shopping, have her help you register...cakes?? go to the tasting with her.

    You might also want to have an adult convo with her and say why this is so important to you and that she is hurting your feelings. 


    I hope this helps...some of the women on here are just not very understanding..

    I'm a july bride too but 2012..you should come check out our board, we can help ya!
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Shaelyn - I echo aerin's response. If you want to talk wedding, we're all ears. There are many moms and brides here that enjoy sharing ideas on this board. We'd be happy to listen.

    Don't take it personally that your mom is not into wedding planning. She is probably one of those practical people that doesn't understand why anyone would put a lot of money and time into a one day party. If she is ridiculing your ideas, though, you need let her know that it hurts your feelings.

    Do you have a grandmother or aunt that might be more interested in helping out? What about your fmil?
                       
  • TheCranberryTheCranberry member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think you should have a heart to heart conversation about how her disinterest is hurting you.  Just because she's not into all of the details of planning weddings doesn't mean she shouldn't show some interest.  Ask how the planning is going, etc.

    Here's an analogy: Some of my friends are bankers.  I don't give a crap about investment banking or the actual details of their jobs, but I do talk to them about how work is going, brainstorm about any issues, listen to little stories they have about the office, etc.  Why?  Because I care about my friend.  We don't go into all of the little details, but we do manage to have conversations about our interests even if the other one isn't into it.

    Maybe your mom doesn't realize how her jokes are affecting you.  Maybe she is going through separation anxiety.  You won't know unless you talk to her.  You should also remember not to get too caught up in only talking to her about the wedding or talking so much about the details that it's boring or repetitive.  HTH.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with those that say to have a heart to heart.  Yes, as others said- it may just come down to the fact that she won't ever really be into it or care as much as you.  But you need to have a talk with her if it's really bothering you (which obviously it is).

    This isn't a friend or a bridesmaid.  This is your mom.  And in many instances, a bride is just SO excited to share this stuff with her mom.  I was one of those people.  It wasn't until wedding planning that I realized just how non-girly my mom is.  She wasn't super interested in anything, and it was at times frustrating to talk to her about stuff.  So I had a heart to heart with her.  She realized how I was feeling and I realized that she doesn't care that much all of the time.  Once we were on the same page, I stopped talking about wedding stuff as much and she started asking more about it.  We kind of evened things out and my frustration lessened. 

    I'm sure it's not out of malice.  Have a heart to heart and let her know how you're feeling and ask how she feels.  You very well may just have to stop talking to her about wedding stuff.  It was easier for me to do that after knowing how she felt.  Half the time I kept bringing things up hoping she'd have a different reaction or suddenly care.  It won't happen :)  Bring it up to her in a "this is how I feel" kind of way- don't attack her. 

    After talking her just focus on talking details with FI and this board.  I'm lucky in that FI is really involved and excited about talking details (I know some aren't)- so I usually just go to him now.
  • Shealyn2010Shealyn2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you everyone! (well mostly everyone)

    @aerin. I never said she was required to know all the details. but uhhh thanks.

    @jemmini: of course not ...

    @Heather Wood: Thank you so much, I agree. I'm definetly going to sit down and talk about it with her. I believe she would really enjoy helping me register. its right up her ally. I appreciate it!

    @Marie: fmil passed away 10 yrs ago, but my grandmother is BIG into weddings. We're not the closest but I believe this is something she would enjoy helping with, and it might bring us closer together! thank you!

    @Thecranberry: That makes alot of sense, I do catch myself blabbering to much. Which i should keep in mind. I believe a heart to heart also will really help. thank you

    @Photogbride: Thats EXACTLY how my mother is. I understand, thank you!
  • KnibletKniblet member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]Thank you everyone! (well mostly everyone) @aerin. I never said she was required to know all the details. but uhhh thanks.
    Posted by Shealyn2010[/QUOTE]
    What is the problem towards aerin?  She wasn't being mean.

    She was right.  Some people just don't get into weddings and planning.  You are not the first bride to have this problem on here and you won't be the last.  It happens, sadly.  Too much.

    And if you don't like the answers from your mom, stop talking to her about the wedding.  Possibly, once you stop she might wonder why and start bringing it up herself.

    Or she may never bring it up.  Only time will tell.  One cannot predict what another person will or will not do.

    And ditto jemmini... we all care about our own weddings more than anyone else.   I think we all had to learn that one way or another.
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  • Shealyn2010Shealyn2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    @Kniblet: Did you read my post? I asked simply "Any ideas how to help get her excited" not "why isn't she excited".  I never said how do i get her to ramble on about details with me did i?  no ... nor did I ask why doesn't she want to listen to me ramble on about details.  My mother and I have completly diffrent taste in ALOT of things.  Personally, I wouldn't go to her and ask her opinion on everything nor would I want her to plan everything ... all I ask is her to be excited for me ...

    thats why.

  • KnibletKniblet member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]@Kniblet: Did you read my post? I asked simply "Any ideas how to help get her excited" not "why isn't she excited".  I never said how do i get her to ramble on about details with me did i?  no ... nor did I ask why doesn't she want to listen to me ramble on about details.  My mother and I have completly diffrent taste in ALOT of things.  Personally, I wouldn't go to her and ask her opinion on everything nor would I want her to plan everything ... all I ask is her to be excited for me ... thats why.
    Posted by Shealyn2010[/QUOTE]
    Yes, I read it.  I think maybe aerin read your post the way some of the rest of us read it.  She was trying to be helpful but it was read wrong.  I think aerin, like a lot of us, have seen posts such as yours before and she headed in the direction that these threads might take.  I am sure she was trying to be helpful.  As am I.

    You did say that "every time I ask her for opinion, she makes a joke about it".  If this is what is happening, there HAS to be a reason.  Something is behind it.  Making jokes about it and her just not caring enough to say anything are totally different.
    vacation vacation vacation vacation
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-isnt-excited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3949391c-4df9-4e7b-8713-accce13612d9Post:3b8716a7-d769-421a-a5e2-593f4b5a1d15">Re: Mom isnt too excited. HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]@Kniblet: Did you read my post?<strong> I asked simply "Any ideas how to help get her excited" not "why isn't she excited". </strong> I never said how do i get her to ramble on about details with me did i?  no ... nor did I ask why doesn't she want to listen to me ramble on about details.  My mother and I have completly diffrent taste in ALOT of things.  Personally, I wouldn't go to her and ask her opinion on everything nor would I want her to plan everything ... all I ask is her to be excited for me ... thats why.
    Posted by Shealyn2010[/QUOTE]
    Sometimes the best answer to the question of "How do I do this?" is simply, "You don't."  I still contend that you'll be much happier if you can accept the fact that your mom isn't into the details rather than trying to twist her arm into faking it.  Because she'll know, and you'll know, that she's faking it, and it's not going to make either of you any happier.

    But really, if you think that you get to dictate exactly how people respond to your posts, you're not going to be happy around these parts.  As long as they're following the Knot's TOS, people can respond to whatever portion of your post they like in whatever way they see fit.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Shealyn2010Shealyn2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    @Kniblet: maybe she did. scratch that. I'm sure she did read it a diffrent way.

    @Aerin: nobody's trying to dictate how you respond. I'm simply saying its "annoying" and i'd rather you not.  Obvioulsy your right, ppl have there issues and can throw there opinon around everywhere if they'd like. I suppose I'll begin to ignore them. Lesson learned.Thanks
  • edited December 2011
     @Shealyn the people who always have issues have been married forever and should move on over to the nest!!!!
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  • KnibletKniblet member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE] @Shealyn the people who always have issues have been married forever and should move on over to the nest!!!!
    Posted by Heather Wood[/QUOTE]
    Most of us stay because we like to try to help other brides.  We've been down the planning road, down the aisle, etc.  When I was new to these boards, I took more advice from the married ladies since they had already been there, done that.  For me personally, asking for advice from someone in my same engaged boat wasn't what I wanted.  There is a good mix on TK of marrieds and still engaged ladies.  So each bride can choose where to look for advice, if that's what she chooses.
    vacation vacation vacation vacation
    It's almost here! Weeeeeeee!
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    my read shelf:
    Jaime's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    43/70 books read

    Back in June 2010...
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-isnt-excited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3949391c-4df9-4e7b-8713-accce13612d9Post:baa4c65a-fc6b-4ea4-92ac-3be79ac16aba">Re: Mom isnt too excited. HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]Most of us stay because we like to try to help other brides.  We've been down the planning road, down the aisle, etc.  When I was new to these boards, I took more advice from the married ladies since they had already been there, done that.  For me personally, asking for advice from someone in my same engaged boat wasn't what I wanted.  There is a good mix on TK of marrieds and still engaged ladies.  So each bride can choose where to look for advice, if that's what she chooses.
    Posted by Kniblet[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Thats really nice of YOU but there are many many over opinionated, unkind women on these boards, most of these are married. I am grateful to the few kind women with good ideas. Many of the yet to be married girls are afraid to post because of some of the women in here. I know MANY of the girls who only post on their month/year boards because of this. It's annoying and sad for them. Their neat and fun ideas shot down because of maybe...bitterness?? I don't know? </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-isnt-excited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3949391c-4df9-4e7b-8713-accce13612d9Post:8a70ff1d-d174-4bb0-98ad-1a893d09922d">Re: Mom isnt too excited. HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, yes....the "we're bitter old hags" crack again.... Does that NEVER wear out???
    Posted b<strong>y RetreadBride[</strong>/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>you are one of the best! ha</div>
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-isnt-excited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3949391c-4df9-4e7b-8713-accce13612d9Post:579bd884-4803-4f55-9218-f602129b1a16">Re: Mom isnt too excited. HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]Shaelyn - I echo aerin's response. If you want to talk wedding, we're all ears. There are many moms and brides here that enjoy sharing ideas on this board. We'd be happy to listen. Don't take it personally that your mom is not into wedding planning. She is probably one of those practical people that doesn't understand why anyone would put a lot of money and time into a one day party. If she is ridiculing your ideas, though, you need let her know that it hurts your feelings. Do you have a grandmother or aunt that might be more interested in helping out? What about your fmil?
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    This...
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • Shealyn2010Shealyn2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I'm way late but ... better late then never right.


    @HeatherWood: Your 100% right.!

    Unfortunatly for them, I'm one of the ones NOT afraid lol. so I guess they'll just have to put up with me ;)
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