Angry and trash talking Guest

cbaby206 · May 2012

I have known a guest coming to the wedding that has been dating a guy since about 10 years. I must say I have never liked her boyfriend, and really have no interest to have him there at my wedding, especially paying for him to eat filet mignon! When it was time to create the guest list, we decided that unless you were married or engaged, we were not inviting significant others. Biggest reason being that if we did, we were looking at over 220 people. The place we are getting married just barely holds 200, so to play it safe, we made this decision. All of our friends were totally cool about it. When the invites went out, one guest became very angry with me. I explained to her the same thing I had said for months that we just can't allow you and not other family/friends. I said he is welcome to come after dinner for dancing or the afterparty. She also told me that 'he didn't even care about coming anyways' I thought it was over until I have heard through my immediate family that she is bad mouthing me, my fiance and my wedding! How do I approach her (without turning bridezilla) about this?

RupertPenny · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:55bc11db-7c9f-40cd-a8b9-705d4935ba86">Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]I have known a guest coming to the wedding that has been dating a guy since about 10 years. I must say I have never liked her boyfriend, and really have no interest to have him there at my wedding, especially paying for him to eat filet mignon! <strong>When it was time to create the guest list, we decided that unless you were married or engaged, we were not inviting significant others.</strong> Biggest reason being that if we did, we were looking at over 220 people. The place we are getting married just barely holds 200, so to play it safe, we made this decision. <strong>All of our friends were totally cool about it.</strong> When the invites went out, one guest became very angry with me. I explained to her the same thing I had said for months that we just can't allow you and not other family/friends. I said he is welcome to come after dinner for dancing or the afterparty. She also told me that 'he didn't even care about coming anyways' I thought it was over until I have heard through my immediate family that she is bad mouthing me, my fiance and my wedding! How do I approach her (without turning bridezilla) about this?
Posted by cbaby206[/QUOTE]

<div>This is an asshole move. I promise your friends are not all cool with it. </div>

aragx6 · May 2012

You are 100% in the wrong -- you didn't invite someone with their significant other with whom they've been in a relationship for 10 years!?! Apologize profusely, and allow her to bring him. Otherwise I'm certian your friendship will never recover.

edit: And I have no doubt many others are upset by this egregious breach of etiquette as well.

lbarr088 · May 2012

There is all sorts of wrong in this starting with you.

adamar15 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:55bc11db-7c9f-40cd-a8b9-705d4935ba86">Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]I have known a guest coming to the wedding that has been dating a guy since about 10 years. I must say I have never liked her boyfriend, and really have no interest to have him there at my wedding, especially paying for him to eat filet mignon! When it was time to create the guest list, we decided that unless you were married or engaged, we were not inviting significant others. Biggest reason being that if we did, we were looking at over 220 people. The place we are getting married just barely holds 200, so to play it safe, we made this decision. All of our friends were totally cool about it. When the invites went out, one guest became very angry with me. I explained to her the same thing I had said for months that we just can't allow you and not other family/friends. I said he is welcome to come after dinner for dancing or the afterparty. She also told me that 'he didn't even care about coming anyways' I thought it was over until I have heard through my immediate family that she is bad mouthing me, my fiance and my wedding! How do I approach her (without turning bridezilla) about this?
Posted by cbaby206[/QUOTE]

Seriously, they've been dating for TEN YEARS and you didn't invite him? If you really want to make amends, apologize to her and invite her boyfriend. You were incredibly rude not to do so.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:55bc11db-7c9f-40cd-a8b9-705d4935ba86">Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]I have known a guest coming to the wedding that has been dating a guy since about 10 years. I must say I have never liked her boyfriend, and really have no interest to have him there at my wedding, especially paying for him to eat filet mignon! When it was time to create the guest list, <strong>we decided that unless you were married or engaged, we were not inviting significant others</strong>. Biggest reason being that if we did, we were looking at over 220 people. The place we are getting married just barely holds 200, so to play it safe, we made this decision. All of our friends were totally cool about it. When the invites went out, one guest became very angry with me. I explained to her the same thing I had said for months that we just can't allow you and not other family/friends. I said he is welcome to come after dinner for dancing or the afterparty. She also told me that 'he didn't even care about coming anyways' I thought it was over until I have heard through my immediate family that she is bad mouthing me, my fiance and my wedding! How do I approach her (without turning bridezilla) about this?
Posted by cbaby206[/QUOTE]

I stopped reading at the bolded part. That is incredibly rude for you to judge the seriousness of someones relationship based on whether or not they are engaged/married or not. If I was your friend and you didn't invite my SO even though we have been together for a decade just because I didn't have ring on my finger I don't think I would be your friend much longer.

lbarr088 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:ff65c7be-6977-4e2c-9224-00a129667617">Re: Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Angry and trash talking Guest : You could start by finding a bigger venue and asking your friends to forgive you for such an asshole move. But I'm betting you'll do neither of those things.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>Find a bigger venue, cut costs in other aspects of the wedding... it's SO doable, even though I know it doesn't always seem like it is.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, not that we can go back in time, but if you couldn't budget for all of these people and find a bigger venue maybe you shouldn't have invited so many? </div>

Lang125 · May 2012

One of my friends has been dating a guy for 7 years. I really do not like to be around him, and was contemplating at one time not inviting him at all. However, I ran it by my FI who reminded me how rude it would be to exclude him knowing their relationship. (To have my FI remind me of this REALLY means it is rude because he doesn't follow any sort of etiquette, etc.)

I am giving all unmarried individuals a guest - if I know their name I will put it on the invite otherwise it will just say and guest. Several of my single friends probably won't bring a guest, but I wouldn't want to err on the side that they have been seeing someone and would have liked to bring them to the wedding but were afraid to ask.

You may want to reconsider your choice and call your friend, sincerely apologize, and move on from it.

Snippylynn · May 2012

The bridezilla train has already left the station.

Stackeye210 · May 2012

Yea, yea, yea, we know. You feel sorry for our husbands, FI's and we're mean b*tches for being honest with you. Preach it. (foreshadowing here b/c we know it's coming, you can't take the honesty).

You're wrong, you were very rude, you should apologize, I'd talk sh*t about you and your actions too.

cbaby206 · May 2012

The two biggest problems I am faced with is that 1. I have no place to put him. 2. I don't want others to be upset because I didn't invite their boyfirend or girlfirend. How do I explain to them that shes different? Just because she has dated him for so long? I wasn't at all trying to be an 'asshole', I just was trying to follow the etiquette of 'if you invite one, you have to invite all' and to make it fair to everyone. If I should invite him, I will, but I am afaid that even more guests will be upset with me over this.

dumdumfroggie · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:a40bcc20-8765-4351-bdb9-8588bf0443d2">Re: Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]The two biggest problems I am faced with is that 1. I have no place to put him. 2. I don't want others to be upset because I didn't invite their boyfirend or girlfirend. <strong>How do I explain to them that shes different?</strong> Just because she has dated him for so long? I wasn't at all trying to be an 'asshole', I just was trying to follow the etiquette of 'if you invite one, you have to invite all' and to make it fair to everyone. If I should invite him, I will, but I am afaid that even more guests will be upset with me over this.
Posted by cbaby206[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>You don't. All of your guests that are in relationships need to have their SO invited. If they are truly single, you don't have to have a +1.</div><div>
</div><div>I'd try to fit these people in, and if you can't...get a different venue.</div>

RupertPenny · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:a40bcc20-8765-4351-bdb9-8588bf0443d2">Re: Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]The two biggest problems I am faced with is that 1. I have no place to put him. 2. I don't want others to be upset because I didn't invite their boyfirend or girlfirend. How do I explain to them that shes different? Just because she has dated him for so long? I wasn't at all trying to be an 'asshole',<strong> I just was trying to follow the etiquette of 'if you invite one, you have to invite all' and to make it fair to everyone</strong>. If I should invite him, I will, but I am afaid that even more guests will be upset with me over this.
Posted by cbaby206[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This isn't an etiquette rule. </div><div>
</div><div>The rule is that you have to invite everyone's SO and not make arbitrary cutoffs. You need to find a way to invite everyone's SO, not just this one dude.

</div>

Stackeye210 · May 2012

It's just not your place to put a label on the seriousness of a relationship b/c of the title they are using. Boyfriend should be invited whether 6 months or 10 years. Some people date for a month before they're engaged, so they'd get an invite over a serious 2 year relationship of boyfriend/girlfriend?

I get what you're saying, but boyfriends should not have been excluded in the first place.

Giving a option of coming after dinner is a slap in the face as well. It's like saying, "hey, come watch me get married, then go hang out at Wendy's, get a fry and a frosty and then come on back and dance, but don't drink, it's not on me either"

I would invite him if you want to keep a friend.

pkontk · May 2012

The thing is, you should have invited all significant others to begin with, not just fiances and husbands/wives.

You can put him at the same table as her.

Others will be upset that you didn't invite their SO to begin with. You can either call them up and apologize and invite their SO, doing away with some potential upgrades you may have made (can you simplify your flowers? ditch the photobooth? do away with favors?) Or just let this dude come and if anyone approaches you at the wedding, just say that she asked if she could bring him.

button6004 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:a40bcc20-8765-4351-bdb9-8588bf0443d2">Re: Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]The two biggest problems I am faced with is that 1. I have no place to put him. 2. I don't want others to be upset because I didn't invite their boyfirend or girlfirend. <strong>How do I explain to them that shes different? </strong>Just because she has dated him for so long? I wasn't at all trying to be an 'asshole', I just was trying to follow the etiquette of <strong>'if you invite one, you have to invite all'</strong> and <strong>to make it fair to everyone</strong>. If I should invite him, I will, but I am afaid that even more guests will be upset with me over this.
Posted by cbaby206[/QUOTE]

Right. If you invite one person who is in a couple, you invite all of the couple. Your friend isnt different. She is just like all of your guests in relationships. And you certainlydidnt make it fair to everyone by leaving their partners out of it. I wouldnt be surprised if a lot of those people RSVP no.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:a40bcc20-8765-4351-bdb9-8588bf0443d2">Re: Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]The two biggest problems I am faced with is that 1. I have no place to put him. 2. I don't want others to be upset because I didn't invite their boyfirend or girlfirend. How do I explain to them <strong>that shes different</strong>? Just because she has dated him for so long? I wasn't at all trying to be an 'asshole', I just was trying to follow the etiquette of 'if you invite one, you have to invite all' and to make it fair to everyone. If I should invite him, I will, but I am afaid that even more <strong>guests will be upset with me over this</strong>.
Posted by cbaby206[/QUOTE]

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/9/9/f939c668-78d4-4ef2-a962-3960fc2da17c.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/9/9/f939c668-78d4-4ef2-a962-3960fc2da17c.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

She is not different. All guests with SOs should be invited as a couple. If you don't have room them I suggest you find a bigger venue.

All of your guests that have SOs but they aren't invited because there is no ring involved will be pissed with you no matter what.

dumdumfroggie · May 2012

I just realized that you're 11 days away, so you probably can't find a different wedding.

If you include the SOs that weren't invited, how many people are you looking at?

If it's one tables worth or something, can you make things a bit cozier, or make the dance floor smaller to fit people in?

I'm going to assume, this is not the only girl that's been bad-mouthing you about this.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:7b48c03a-46b2-4f84-8de6-012b2eff4af8">Re: Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]I just realized that you're <strong>11 days away</strong>, so you probably can't find a different wedding. If you include the SOs that weren't invited, how many people are you looking at? If it's one tables worth or something, can you make things a bit cozier, or make the dance floor smaller to fit people in? I'm going to assume, this is not the only girl that's been bad-mouthing you about this.
Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]

Is this right OP? If so then you have already pissed off a large number of your guests and at this point you really can't fix the issue. Just be prepared for angry glances and behind your back b$tching by your guests.

id012 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:b665e827-0a2b-4e52-be05-79c0ddbb7585">Re: Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Angry and trash talking Guest : This is an asshole move. I promise your friends are not all cool with it.
Posted by RupertPenny[/QUOTE]
What she said.Iv been with FI for 8 years, and if I was invited to a wedding and he wasnt invited, i would 1 be annyoyed and 2 not go.

crnflkgirl75 · May 2012

You could always have a cash bar and a dollar dance to offset the extra costs! /sarcasm font.

Snippylynn · May 2012

11 days away and you just NOW figured out this is a douche move? Clueless.

midgetthemighty · May 2012

They have every right to be angry with you. You're the one that messed up here.

sarabellam · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:7be39a21-3be8-495d-8975-8d16a8a886fa">Re: Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]11 days away and you just NOW figured out this is a douche move? Clueless.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

I don't think she's YET figured out that this is a douche move, despite our admonitions to the contrary.

ricksang · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:55bc11db-7c9f-40cd-a8b9-705d4935ba86">Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]I have known a guest coming to the wedding that has been dating a guy since about 10 years. I must say I have never liked her boyfriend, and really have no interest to have him there at my wedding, especially paying for him to eat filet mignon! When it was time to create the guest list, we decided that unless you were married or engaged, we were not inviting significant others. Biggest reason being that if we did, we were looking at over 220 people. The place we are getting married just barely holds 200, so to play it safe, we made this decision. All of our friends were totally cool about it. When the invites went out, one guest became very angry with me. I explained to her the same thing I had said for months that we just can't allow you and not other family/friends. I said he is welcome to come after dinner for dancing or the afterparty. She also told me that 'he didn't even care about coming anyways' I thought it was over until I have heard through my immediate family that she is bad mouthing me, my fiance and my wedding! How do I approach her (without turning bridezilla) about this?
Posted by cbaby206[/QUOTE]

You were completely wrong in this situation. Just because someone isn't married or engaged doesn't mean they aren't in a serious relationship. You should have either invited both or not invited either person.

ricksang · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_angry-and-trash-talking-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:306e657c-8d17-4f6c-aa4c-661efadb3cf0Post:a7774b14-61da-412d-8970-8c85ee78da40">Re: Angry and trash talking Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]It's just not your place to put a label on the seriousness of a relationship b/c of the title they are using. Boyfriend should be invited whether 6 months or 10 years. Some people date for a month before they're engaged, so they'd get an invite over a serious 2 year relationship of boyfriend/girlfriend? I get what you're saying, but boyfriends should not have been excluded in the first place. G<strong>iving a option of coming after dinner is a slap in the face as well. It's like saying, "hey, come watch me get married, then go hang out at Wendy's, get a fry and a frosty and then come on back and dance, but don't drink, it's not on me either" I would invite him if you want to keep a friend. </strong>
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
Exactly.

jemmini6 · May 2012

You pulled an asshole move and are surprised that she's pissed off about it? And I guarantee she's not the only one, just the only one you've heard about. At this point, there's nothing you can do other than apologize to all your guests that you made a mistake and it's too late to fix it.

mkrupar · May 2012

I'd be trash talking you too. Just sayin'...

ajmom2two · May 2012

It doesnt sound like she trash talking...sounds like she is just being honest about how incredibly rude you are! I bet you have a ton of people who were invited without their SO who RSVP yes and dont show up on purpose.

kaitlynmichelle · May 2012

I can't believe you did that. If I was told my BF of 7 1/2 years wasn't invited with me because we weren't engaged or married, I would be furious. I probably would be reconsidering our friendship.

Fancypantsamy · May 2012

I feel you, to a certain point, OP. I have a friend who's been dating a girl for a year and a half and all he does is complain about her. It really bugs me that I have to include her in my day considering he doesn't even seem to like her. I also wanted a smaller guest list than 220, but that's what I'm stuck with.

But where we're different is I just sent my friend an email last week requesting the correct spelling of his girlfriend's name so that I get it right when I'm addressing the invitation. Because being polite to someone I care about is worth more to me than not having some dumb girl at my wedding.

Angry and trash talking Guest

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