Catholic Doubts

scaragher · September 2012

I was raised Catholic and still believe in the religion even though I don't honestly believe in the way the church has turned out. My fiance proposed to me in April of this year and we started planning on getting married in September 2013. We found the hotel that we want to have the reception at and when I started trying to get a church is when I ran into problems. My fiance was previously married and is a nondenominational christian but he still needs to fill out a form like a Declaration of Invalidity. This caused him to talk about how stupid the Catholic Church is and how no other religion he knows of makes people do this. We also have to take marriage preparation courses within the Catholic church which I'm not afraid will cause more problems. All of this normal brides deal with, but ontop of that, he is interviewing for another job which means we could have to move to a different city causing me to be 5 hours away from the place that is now only 30 minutes away. I'm beyond stressed and everyone is pressuring me to make decisions on my own and I just don't know what to do. I'm almost tempted to call the wedding off until our lives settle but the thought of putting off the wedding any further also makes me want to cry. Any advice out there for me?

catloverd · September 2012

What if you choose to not get married in a church? I'm Catholic and I also don't agree with everything, but I really enjoyed all the requirements! Yes, a lot of churches don't and make everything easier, but the marriage prep courses are awesome. My fiance, who is agnostic, enjoyed them as well! He wasn't looking too foward to it, but knew it was important to me. We learned so much. They really bring up things you wouldn't think about and teach the importance of communication and how to deal with fighting. We felt so much better afterwards and hand a lot of conversations.

However, the church does require a lot of this stuff to be 6 months before the wedding and if you are moving and possibly changing it could be difficult. However, if you do it, another Catholic church will accept it as long as the information is passed on from the priest. We're getting married in another state and we discussed with the priest what we should do, we decided to make the trip to see him despite the option to see the priest up here. Our main reason was because I wanted my fiance' to get to know the priest I grew up with.

I would talk to your priest about the possible move and see if he recommends a priest in the new area that you could hep you finish whatever you need to do and then send him the information.

MobKaz · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_catholic-doubts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b2678016-bb00-458a-87ae-d18c46ea4638Post:2b37593b-5b5c-415e-a5d7-dbd0810b982e">Catholic Doubts</a>:
[QUOTE]I was raised Catholic and still believe in the religion even though<strong><u> I don't honestly</u></strong> <u><strong>believe in the way the church has turned out. </strong></u>My fiance proposed to me in April of this year and we started planning on getting married in September 2013. We found the hotel that we want to have the reception at and<u><strong> when I started trying to get a church is when I ran</strong></u> <u><strong>into problems</strong></u>. My fiance was previously married and is a nondenominational christian but he still needs to fill out a form like a Declaration of Invalidity. <strong><u>This caused him to talk</u></strong> <u><strong>about how stupid the Catholic Church</strong></u> is and how no other religion he knows of makes people do this.<u><strong> We also have to take marriage preparation courses within the Catholic church which I'm not afraid will cause more problems.</strong></u> All of this normal brides deal with, but ontop of that, he is interviewing for another job which means we could have to move to a different city causing me to be 5 hours away from the place that is now only 30 minutes away. I'm beyond stressed and everyone is pressuring me to make decisions on my own and I just don't know what to do. I'm almost tempted to call the wedding off until our lives settle but the thought of putting off the wedding any further also makes me want to cry. Any advice out there for me?
Posted by scaragher[/QUOTE]

Typically, if someone wants to be married in the church of their faith, making church arrangements is the first step in planning the wedding. The church sounds to be more of an afterthought for you. If you don't like the way the "church has turned out", find it is causing "nothing but problems", and have a fiance that considers the church "stupid", it would be disrespectful to the church, and hypocritical of you and your fiance, to marry in it.

One very vital component of marrying in the Catholic Church is that you agree/pledge to raise any children in the Catholic faith. If you cannot, in good faith, make an honest, truthful pledge to do so, then a Catholic wedding is not for you. Have you considered having a ceremony in the hotel of your reception? That would relieve you of a lot of the stress.

StephBeanWed61502 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_catholic-doubts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b2678016-bb00-458a-87ae-d18c46ea4638Post:76eccaa8-06f0-4495-9020-cc7e56a6f583">Re: Catholic Doubts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Catholic Doubts : Typically, if someone wants to be married in the church of their faith, making church arrangements is the first step in planning the wedding. The church sounds to be more of an afterthought for you. If you don't like the way the "church has turned out", find it is causing "nothing but problems", and have a fiance that considers the church "stupid", it would be disrespectful to the church, and hypocritical of you and your fiance, to marry in it. One very vital component of marrying in the Catholic Church is that you agree/pledge to raise any children in the Catholic faith. If you cannot, in good faith, make an honest, truthful pledge to do so, then a Catholic wedding is not for you. Have you considered having a ceremony in the hotel of your reception? That would relieve you of a lot of the stress.
Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]

Also, to add on to this, please keep in mind that having the ceremony at a hotel doesn't mean you can't still have a religious ceremony. I find that many Catholic brides seem to think their only options are "married in the church" or "married by a judge in a completely non-religious ceremony" and that just isn't true. There are plenty of nondenominational ministers/reverends/etc. who you could hire to marry you at any location you choose. That way you could still have the religious ceremony it sounds like you want to have without having to go to a church you don't agree with and your FI thinks is "stupid."

DG1 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_catholic-doubts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b2678016-bb00-458a-87ae-d18c46ea4638Post:2b37593b-5b5c-415e-a5d7-dbd0810b982e">Catholic Doubts</a>:
[QUOTE]I was raised Catholic and still believe in the religion even though I don't honestly believe in the way the church has turned out. My fiance proposed to me in April of this year and we started planning on getting married in September 2013. We found the hotel that we want to have the reception at and when I started trying to get a church is when I ran into problems. My fiance was previously married and is a nondenominational christian but he still needs to fill out a form like a Declaration of Invalidity. This caused him to talk about how stupid the Catholic Church is and how no other religion he knows of makes people do this. We also have to take marriage preparation courses within the Catholic church which I'm not afraid will cause more problems. All of this normal brides deal with, but ontop of that, he is interviewing for another job which means we could have to move to a different city causing me to be 5 hours away from the place that is now only 30 minutes away. I'm beyond stressed and everyone is pressuring me to make decisions on my own and I just don't know what to do. I'm almost tempted to call the wedding off until our lives settle but the thought of putting off the wedding any further also makes me want to cry. Any advice out there for me?
Posted by scaragher[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>I'm a little confused on believing in the Roman Catholic "religion" but not the Church. If you don't believe in the Church, that's really the only part that's Roman Catholic. The faith is just regular Christianity with a few extras sprinkled on top (transubstantiation is the only one that comes to mind off the top of my head, but I'm sure there are others).</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>How far off is the wedding? If you move, will you want to have the wedding closer to where you live? Or will that be too burdensome for the families?</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>And there's no reason to make a decision right this second. It doesn't mean you have to postpone the wedding. At the very least, I'd think you can wait until you find out about this job.

</div>

DG1 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_catholic-doubts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b2678016-bb00-458a-87ae-d18c46ea4638Post:f46b5a68-c40d-48c4-8558-65245d58ab6e">Re: Catholic Doubts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Catholic Doubts : Also, to add on to this, please keep in mind that having the ceremony at a hotel doesn't mean you can't still have a religious ceremony. I find that many Catholic brides seem to think their only options are "married in the church" or "married by a judge in a completely non-religious ceremony" and that just isn't true. There are plenty of nondenominational ministers/reverends/etc. who you could hire to marry you at any location you choose. That way you could still have the religious ceremony it sounds like you want to have without having to go to a church you don't agree with and your FI thinks is "stupid."
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

<div>You can have a religious ceremony outside of the Church, certainly, but if you want your marriage to be recognized by the RCs, it has to take place inside the walls of a Roman Catholic church. If you find a progressive priest, he might be willing to come offer a blessing or a few words of encouragement, but it wouldn't be recognized by the Church.</div>

ElleB87 · September 2012

I think you're putting the cart before the horse on this one. Your FI cannot be legally married in a Catholic church right now. He needs to get his previous marriage annulled (and that process does take quite a while) and there's no guarantee that he will even be granted an annulment. Do you know for sure if the church will marry you if he's Agnostic? I know most will marry people of different faiths but I was always under the impression that the buck stopped there.

It sounds like what you really want is to have a religious ceremony outside the church but you're afraid to do it. Also, I think believing in the church itself is kind of a requirement to being Catholic so maybe you need to do some self-reflecting and figure out that you actually believe in.

catloverd · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_catholic-doubts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b2678016-bb00-458a-87ae-d18c46ea4638Post:7774fe30-9b6a-4c47-8e9c-7ad12eb32388">Re: Catholic Doubts</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're putting the cart before the horse on this one. Your FI cannot be legally married in a Catholic church right now. He needs to get his previous marriage annulled (and that process does take quite a while) and there's no guarantee that he will even be granted an annulment. Do you know for sure if the church will marry you if he's Agnostic? I know most will marry people of different faiths but I was always under the impression that the buck stopped there.
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

<div>Well my fiance' is agnostic, but he was baptized Catholic. In our faith, if you are baptized Catholic, you are always considered Catholic, it's just whether you are "practicing" or "non practicing" Since I am "practicing" and he is not, they are letting us have the church ceremony, but we can't have a mass, which is fine with me since that shortens the ceremony to half an hour. </div><div>
</div><div>So there's that, but as for divorces and not being baptzied catholic, I'm not sure how that works since this is both our first time getting married. I just thought I'd share the info. I'm sure it's possible for the OP. Not all Catholic churches work the same way, some priests are more strict than others. So you could also look into finding another church.</div>

ElleB87 · October 2012

There's a BIG difference between a non-practising Catholic and an Agnostic. Your FI is unsure about whether a god even exists...and the Catholic church is pretty dead certain that there is a god. That's one massive difference of opinion.

catloverd · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_catholic-doubts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b2678016-bb00-458a-87ae-d18c46ea4638Post:7efa5f09-e0c0-44fd-84b3-45c6b4c322f7">Re: Catholic Doubts</a>:
[QUOTE]There's a BIG difference between a non-practising Catholic and an Agnostic. Your FI is unsure about whether a god even exists...and the Catholic church is pretty dead certain that there is a god. That's one massive difference of opinion.
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

<div>Well you can try arguing with the church but to them as long as your baptized Catholic, you're Catholic, at least according to my church.... </div><div>
</div><div>And agnostics do believe something exists. Athiests don't. Totally different. </div>

DG1 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_catholic-doubts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b2678016-bb00-458a-87ae-d18c46ea4638Post:7efa5f09-e0c0-44fd-84b3-45c6b4c322f7">Re: Catholic Doubts</a>:
[QUOTE]There's a BIG difference between a non-practising Catholic and an Agnostic. Your FI is unsure about whether a god even exists...and the Catholic church is pretty dead certain that there is a god. That's one massive difference of opinion.
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

<div>Don't confuse actual belief with Roman Catholic doctrine. They are two entirely different things. </div><div>
</div><div>It does seem like these two are in very different places, religiously. I'd hope for big conversations about how that is going to play out for an entire lifetime.</div>

baconsmom · October 2012

Catholics and non-religious people can be married in the Church. I know: I married an agnostic who was never baptized anything. You can't have a Mass, only a Rite of Marriage, but it is possible.

OP, if you're having doubts and your fiance isn't on board with the church, don't bother. You can always go back later and have the marriage blessed (if he gets his first one annulled), but these hoops for this church? Probably it's because I hate this pope and the character of the Church these days, but why bother to follow all those rules for people who can't respect children or women?

You might look into Episcopal or Lutheran churches. Both are extremely similar to Catholicism but have much more liberal branches.

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