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Etiquette

Am I being a brat?

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Re: Am I being a brat?

  • I'm not understanding why it's okay for your father to put his foot down and "flip" about getting his way, but not for SIL to do the same thing.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:6ac3d72d-afea-4ce0-a673-79baab809986">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Then let him flip. Let him know that family is important to BOTH you and your FI, which is why you are choosing to split the evening rather than not seeing one side at all. Would he rather you be there for some time or not at all? Let him know you're sorry to be missing dinner, but that you have other people's schedules that need to be worked around too. Thank him for hosting and head to FI's family function...
    Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

    After all the comments here I'm starting to think that's the only way. I will be discussing this with FI tonight.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'd go to dad's early and until 8 and then go to FI's family for the rest of the evening, and start it this year.  If your dad would like everyone to be able to spend more time together, he'll have to learn to be flexible with everyone's schedule.  

    I agree with PPs that bringing up household chores and their relationship dynamic makes you look bratty.  None of that is any of your business, and pulling out stuff like that undercuts your otherwise legitimate position.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:a9200b96-9741-450d-82cd-a507728a9219">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not understanding why it's okay for your father to put his foot down and "flip" about getting his way, but not for SIL to do the same thing.
    Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>For real. 

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:6ac3d72d-afea-4ce0-a673-79baab809986">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Then let him flip. Let him know that family is important to BOTH you and your FI, which is why you are choosing to split the evening rather than not seeing one side at all. Would he rather you be there for some time or not at all? Let him know you're sorry to be missing dinner, but that you have other people's schedules that need to be worked around too. Thank him for hosting and head to FI's family function...
    Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:a9200b96-9741-450d-82cd-a507728a9219">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not understanding why it's okay for your father to put his foot down and "flip" about getting his way, but not for SIL to do the same thing.
    Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

    It's not, it's just harder to do it with my Dad.
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  • Harder to do what?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:65d0aac4-57de-4b9c-b9cf-5a77dc086eb8">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Harder to do what?
    Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

    I have a hard time standing up to my Dad. He's had a pretty rough life and I don't like to hurt him. He seems to have this big dream of the family being together for Christmas dinner every year on the 24th and for me to change that would really burst his bubble. But that's my own issue that I have to get over.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:a5f156eb-6d8c-49e8-9a49-b60d31443553">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : I have a hard time standing up to my Dad. He's had a pretty rough life and I don't like to hurt him. He seems to have this big dream of the family being together for Christmas dinner every year on the 24th and for me to change that would really burst his bubble. But that's my own issue that I have to get over.
    Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

    And I can sympathize with that.  Figuring out the holidays sucks.  But having a rough life doesn't excuse your dad from being selfish when it comes to everyone else juggling their schedules.  He made the decision to cater to your SIL, at your expense.  I am not a fan of telling people that they aren't allowed to feel any certain way about it, so yeah, he can get upset at you for making a decision to not do Christmas the way he wants to do it.  But he needs to be made to understand that this is partially a product of his own devising.

    I don't think it's fair to make your FI either miss part of his family's Christmas when he sees them so infrequently.  I also don't think that he should have to spend Christmas with you with your family, or go by himself to his family.  If you two want to spend Christmas together, then you need to find a compromise that you're both okay with.  And if that means upsetting your father, well, so be it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:72abc321-c078-4ae4-b54d-342e26a72920">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : And I can sympathize with that.  Figuring out the holidays sucks.  But having a rough life doesn't excuse your dad from being selfish when it comes to everyone else juggling their schedules.  He made the decision to cater to your SIL, at your expense.  I am not a fan of telling people that they aren't allowed to feel any certain way about it, so yeah, he can get upset at you for making a decision to not do Christmas the way he wants to do it.  But he needs to be made to understand that this is partially a product of his own devising. I don't think it's fair to make your FI either miss part of his family's Christmas when he sees them so infrequently.  I also don't think that he should have to spend Christmas with you with your family, or go by himself to his family.  If you two want to spend Christmas together, then you need to find a compromise that you're both okay with.  And if that means upsetting your father, well, so be it.
    Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

    I have a hard time standing to my dad as well, but I agree with Bay on this.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:72abc321-c078-4ae4-b54d-342e26a72920">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : And I can sympathize with that.  Figuring out the holidays sucks.  But having a rough life doesn't excuse your dad from being selfish when it comes to everyone else juggling their schedules.  He made the decision to cater to your SIL, at your expense.  I am not a fan of telling people that they aren't allowed to feel any certain way about it, so yeah, he can get upset at you for making a decision to not do Christmas the way he wants to do it.  But he needs to be made to understand that this is partially a product of his own devising. I don't think it's fair to make your FI either miss part of his family's Christmas when he sees them so infrequently.  I also don't think that he should have to spend Christmas with you with your family, or go by himself to his family.  If you two want to spend Christmas together, then you need to find a compromise that you're both okay with.  And if that means upsetting your father, well, so be it.
    Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

    You have very valid points Baystate. We're trying to come to a solution that we're both happy about, but I'm just so fed up with my family that part of me doesn't even want to see them this year. Thanks for your opinions.
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  • I hope you are able to come up with something that's livable for everyone, sadly we can't please everyone though.
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  • I know I'm a little late here, but I think everyone is being at least a little bratty. (Except your FI)

    You sound a little too judgey of your SIL (I'm guilty of the same crime, however)

    Your SIL is being a super brat in demanding everyone schedule their lives around her all the time.

    Your Dad is being a mega brat by catering to his DIL to the exclusion of others.  Especially when he could just have the celebration another day.  He's like a bridezilla over a wedding date here. It doesn't mean less just because it isn't on the 24th. We usually do Christmas with my family on like the 28th or so.

    If I were you, I'd go you your family's early and leave by 8 to go to FI's family.  If dad doesn't like it, point out that he chose DIL's needs over yours and that if he doesn't like it, maybe he should choose to celebrate Christmas when both of you can be there.



  • edited December 2011
    I don't see why anyone here has to be labeled a "brat" at all. It's a matter of scheduling and if one year you and your FI choose to spend the holiday with his family, them's the breaks. I don't get the outrage in this thread. From either side.
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  • I agree with Eagles here...I mean the entire world so obviously revolves around your SIL so shame on you for trying to be reasonable and rational.  NOT

    I don't understand why your SIL gets more pull than you here either??

    I do not think your being a brat at all...you said you tried to adjust the time, not that you tried to schedule it when it was inconvienient for everyone else. If everyone ate when you suggested everyone could be there except your SIL right?? That seems way more reasonable than to have a very late dinner with two people missing.
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  • I do not think you are being unreasonable Achi... and I agree with everyone who said you need to stand up to your fam and your Dad and do what's best and fair for you and your FI... meaning spend time with his family too.

    This is my suggestion about how to approach, more so in your own mind, than whatever you say to them.  I think you should set aside all your annoyances at your SIL and her bad behavior and how you don't agree with the dynamic of her relationship with your bro.  Just tell your Dad that you either won't make it, or will only make it to part of the night, that it's unfortunate and you regret that you'll have to miss some of it.  Don't get bogged down in resentment and grudges and aggravation.  It's just unfortunate that the schedule of your Dad's dinner doesn't allow you to fully attend it, and maybe/hopefully it will be different another year.

    FWIW, I'd do it this year, rather than next year.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:f3dc7119-aa30-40ff-901c-af6ce28fbebc">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do not think you are being unreasonable Achi... and I agree with everyone who said you need to stand up to your fam and your Dad and do what's best and fair for you and your FI... meaning spend time with his family too. This is my suggestion about how to approach, more so in your own mind, than whatever you say to them.  I think you should set aside all your annoyances at your SIL and her bad behavior and how you don't agree with the dynamic of her relationship with your bro.  Just tell your Dad that you either won't make it, or will only make it to part of the night, that it's unfortunate and you regret that you'll have to miss some of it.  Don't get bogged down in resentment and grudges and aggravation.  It's just unfortunate that the schedule of your Dad's dinner doesn't allow you to fully attend it, and maybe/hopefully it will be different another year. FWIW, I'd do it this year, rather than next year.
    Posted by kinsey0628[/QUOTE]

    I totally agree with this.  I was the last of 3 kids in my family to get married.  We alternate every year.  One year, my sisters spend Christmas with their husbands' families, the next year, we spend it all together.  While it is sad in the "off" years, we all understand that our family is equally important as their husbands family and we can't expect that we get them 100% of the time.  Since you guys are engaged this year, it is time to figure out what is going to work for you.  I personally would go to your FI's family gathering.  Then next year when you suggest a compromise, your family might take you more seriously.  Or if they don't, then you just figure it is "their" year and you start alternating.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:8e07c8a8-9af4-4869-9cb4-f0f029bb16ca">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't see why anyone here has to be labeled a "brat" at all. It's a matter of scheduling and if one year you and your FI choose to spend the holiday with his family, them's the breaks. I don't get the outrage in this thread. From either side.
    Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto. Our families are on opposite sides of the country from each other. Would I like if we could all be together on Thanksgiving and Christmas or if our families could even spend any time together at all? Sure, but it's near impossible. We see my family way more since they're closer year round so the entire Christmas holidays are spent with FI's family. It took me some getting used to because I'm so attached to being with my family on Christmas but whatever, we make it work. I don't get the anger about the issue on either side. This year, do one thing. Next year, do another. Make it work for you guys and try to be considerate of both families, it won't always be totally equal but you do the best you can.</div>
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
     I think you are all growing up, in-laws are being added to the mix yet your family is still trying to hold on to old traditions when schedules are not really allowing that.


    Your SILs schedule is only a problem because you FI's family also has plans that night also.  You might not like your SIL, but I would not put all the blame on her schedule.   

    Basically it's time for your family to realize status quo is not working and it might be time for new traditions. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:a5f156eb-6d8c-49e8-9a49-b60d31443553">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : I have a hard time standing up to my Dad. He's had a pretty rough life and I don't like to hurt him. He seems to have this big dream of the family being together for Christmas dinner every year on the 24th and for me to change that would really burst his bubble. But that's my own issue that I have to get over.
    Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

    Your Dad needs a reality check here.  I'm a MOB with 5 kids, 4 are grown and out of the house, we also have g'kids.  Last year was the first time since 2004 that I had ALL of them together for Christmas Day.  That is life when you have grown kids.  I know it's hard because this is new territory but you guys need to do what works for both families, not just your Dad and SIL.

    My kids alternate with IL's instead of hitting everyone in one day.  There are 3 sets of parents to deal with so they might hit 2 of the 3 on the holiday but never all of them and I am glad.  What a sucky way to spend your holiday.

    Dad needs to learn that he can't hold steadfast to those traditions and expect you to always be there.
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