BM/friend problems

caitlinc09 · February 2012

So, I'm really loving this board and I feel like I've been posting so much lately. I really value all of the advice all of you ladies have given me!

Anyways, onto the issue.

So, I asked a friend to be a BM who I haven't really kept that close with the last couple years but we have been friends since we were kids so I assumed it was what I was supposed to do.

Now, I feel like I should start by saying I do not want to kick her out of the wedding! I've read all sorts of posts about that and it's quite clear that that is a friendship ending move and one that most people end up regretting after.

She has been totally unsupportive since day one. She refused to ever come dress shopping or do anything with me/to help me (her excuses were always things like "nah, I'm making lunch for myself and then taking a bath" never anything like work, school, etc.)

This obviously bothered be, but I've also learned on these boards that the only technical duty of a BM is to buy the dress and show up. Which she did buy the dress, so I can't complain about that.

Now it's gotten more personal. While I was frustrated about petty things before, now she is being a huge B to the best man for no apparent reason (who I am pretty close with) and the other day when FI asked her about something wedding related she blew up on him, told him to F off and that it was none of his business what she was doing. Seriously uncalled for.

I find this completely unacceptable behavior so I confronted her about it. I said that I loved her but the fact that she hasn't been supportive really hurts me and I explained that if she had a problem with other people in the wedding party it was going to make everything for the wedding awkward and difficult and I really needed her to be there for this important time. She then proceeded to make me feel like I was the bad guy for "attacking" her (not even close) and that I hurt her feelings for saying she would be difficult about anything. I really truly was kind when I spoke with her and I never got offensive or anything.

Oh, and by the way, right before this conversation she says to me "oh I know your shower is on the 17th but I'm not going to make it because my friend just invited me to the beach that weekend"

So, if you are patient enough to read this whole post, you rock! Please help me out here...I feel like I'm holding onto her as a friend in general only because we've been friends for so long, but she isn't supportive, and when she crosses the line she clearly doesn't even care. Help!

AurorasEnvy · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_bmfriend-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:78f49344-49ef-4e13-bc17-3a9392a820b3Post:08be1a4f-f85c-4f69-939f-5684800f52e0">BM/friend problems</a>:
[QUOTE] Please help me out here..<strong>.I feel like I'm holding onto her as a friend in general only because we've been friends for so long,</strong> but she isn't supportive, and when she crosses the line she clearly doesn't even care. Help!
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I pretty much think that sums it up. Sounds like she wants to be a part of your party without putting in any effort into the friendship. Crappy situation, but I'd probably just let things be, have her show up to the wedding as your BM, and then let her determine the course of the friendship through her actions. Unless you wouldn't mind ending the friendship - if that is the case, you could ask her to step down, but I think that would be a pretty dramatic move. Sorry to hear she is being difficult!

</div>

HeatherMKR · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_bmfriend-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:78f49344-49ef-4e13-bc17-3a9392a820b3Post:08be1a4f-f85c-4f69-939f-5684800f52e0">BM/friend problems</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I'm really loving this board and I feel like I've been posting so much lately. I really value all of the advice all of you ladies have given me! Anyways, onto the issue. So, I asked a friend to be a BM who I haven't really kept that close with the last couple years but we have been friends since we were kids so I assumed it was what I was supposed to do.<strong> Now, I feel like I should start by saying I do not want to kick her out of the wedding!</strong> I've read all sorts of posts about that and it's quite clear that that is a friendship ending move and one that most people end up regretting after. She has been totally unsupportive since day one. She refused to ever come dress shopping or do anything with me/to help me (her excuses were always things like "nah, I'm making lunch for myself and then taking a bath" never anything like work, school, etc.) This obviously bothered be, but I've also learned on these boards that the only technical duty of a BM is to buy the dress and show up.<strong> Which she did buy the dress, so I can't complain about that.</strong> Now it's gotten more personal. While I was frustrated about petty things before, now she is being a huge B to the best man for no apparent reason (who I am pretty close with) and the other day when FI asked her about something wedding related she blew up on him, told him to F off and that it was none of his business what she was doing. Seriously uncalled for. I find this completely unacceptable behavior so I confronted her about it. I said that I loved her but the fact that she hasn't been supportive really hurts me and I explained that if she had a problem with other people in the wedding party it was going to make everything for the wedding awkward and difficult and I really needed her to be there for this important time. She then proceeded to make me feel like I was the bad guy for "attacking" her (not even close) and that I hurt her feelings for saying she would be difficult about anything. I really truly was kind when I spoke with her and I never got offensive or anything. Oh, and by the way, right before this conversation she says to me "oh I know your shower is on the 17th but I'm not going to make it because my friend just invited me to the beach that weekend" So, if you are patient enough to read this whole post, you rock! Please help me out here...I feel like I'm holding onto her as a friend in general only because we've been friends for so long, but she isn't supportive, and when she crosses the line she clearly doesn't even care. Help!
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm glad you're not planning on kicking her out. And I totally understand why you asked-been friends a long time, etc.</div><div>
</div><div>If one of my bridesmaids flipped out on my fiance, I'd be pissed, especially if it was not provoked.</div><div>
</div><div>If she doesn't want to "join the fun," that's her prerogative. You'll have fun regardless :)

</div>

mancila60 · February 2012

I agree with PP's. It's very good you don't want to kick her out of the wedding. But it does sound like you know where your friendship is headed. I completely understand why you asked her to be in the wedding but I wouldn't stress to much about it. Yes she is being difficult and all that goodness BUT she did make the committment by buying the dress so I would give her the benifit of the doubt. It sucks she's acting this way but I would wait and see where she decides to take this.

mandi921vh · February 2012

While I do agree with PPs I wonder if she is somehow jealous you are getting married, and she seems defensive for some reason... has she experienced a change in her life recently? Is her behavior abnormal or is this behavior pretty normal for her? If this is typical behavior then I can understand why you would want to possibly end your friendship with her or slowly stop talking to her once the wedding is over, but if this completely out of character for her maybe have a talk with her to see what is really going on.

bpphoto785 · February 2012

I agree w/ PP but Mandi brings up a good point, is she usually like this or is this out of character for her? Maybe something's going on with her? I would try having a non-wedding related girls night with her and see what's going on, I think there's another issue here if she's acting out of character.

If this is in character for her, then she sounds like a b*tch and I would reconsider your friendship once the wedding's over.

classykat22 · February 2012

Although I agree with PP's, I also think another aspect of this situation needs to be considered. If she was so easy to go off on your FI and and the Best Man, and it was truly completely unprovoked, I would be a little concerned about what she might do in the hours leading up to the wedding, or during the reception. If she creates stress, or has a rude/mean attitude the entire day, how will that play out for your nerves? And, if you are planning on serving alcohol and she is planning on drinking...well, I think we all know how that can turn ugly in a minute if the situation presents itself. I think having a heart-to-heart with her now is definitely needed...but I also think she won't hear most of what you have to say, based on how she reacted to your earlier conversation. Maybe if you preface the conversation with something that has to do with her, like PP's mentioned ("is everything going ok for you? You seem like maybe something is troubling you" etc), then she might be more open to talk about whatever is bugging her. I am not sure if what you have with her could even be called a friendship now, and I am so sorry about that. I don't know that asking her to step down is the right decision, but I personally would be very cautious of her if her attitude doesn't take a much-needed improvement and quick! Just my 2 cents!

ETA: I live in Austin too so, if you ever need a venting buddy, let me know!

pantherRN · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_bmfriend-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:78f49344-49ef-4e13-bc17-3a9392a820b3Post:1bc54048-7999-4b86-b6e5-e02c6c7e4f67">Re: BM/friend problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to BM/friend problems : I pretty much think that sums it up. Sounds like she wants to be a part of your party without putting in any effort into the friendship. Crappy situation, but I'd probably just let things be, have her show up to the wedding as your BM, and then let her determine the course of the friendship through her actions. Unless you wouldn't mind ending the friendship - if that is the case, you could ask her to step down, but I think that would be a pretty dramatic move. Sorry to hear she is being difficult!
Posted by AurorasEnvy[/QUOTE]

<div>This, 100%.</div>

S0095042 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_bmfriend-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:78f49344-49ef-4e13-bc17-3a9392a820b3Post:f9a02c3d-6615-4c25-8240-28ea50bca50d">Re: BM/friend problems</a>:
[QUOTE]. If she was so easy to go off on your FI and and the Best Man, and it was truly completely unprovoked, I would be a little concerned about what she might do in the hours leading up to the wedding, or during the reception. If she creates stress, or has a rude/mean attitude the entire day, how will that play out for your nerves? And, if you are planning on serving alcohol and she is planning on drinking...well, I think we all know how that can turn ugly in a minute if the situation presents itself. Posted by classykat22[/QUOTE]

I agree...this is def. something to be considered. To be honest, I think I would really consider her spot in the wedding...but that's me. I would be full of anxiety on how she would act/react that day and not just be able to enjoy it

kimberlykh · February 2012

One thing I've learned in life is that the length of the relationship is not representative of the depth of it. People change, friends move on. If it were me, I'd go ahead and let her be a BM, and don't expect much more of her in the process.
After the wedding, you can quietly move on from the friendship, but I think asking her to step down will create unnecessary drama this close to the wedding. Good luck!

caitlinc09 · February 2012

Thank you for all of your input!

This is just her now. Not out of character at all. Sadly, I don't think this is friendship going to last much longer. I've been having lots of convos with close friends and family who all know her fairly well and they have all expressed concerns for how she is going to act as we start having events and on the day of. I'm considering kicking her out more so since I've had honest conversations about it, but I'm not doing anything hasty.

Ugh. People suck sometimes! Thanks again everyone I really appreciate getting different perspectives.

toothpastechica · February 2012

I would let her walk in the wedding to avoid drama as people have mentioned...I wouldnt bother even talking about the wedding with her or invite her to anything (even to hang out) until then unless she puts the effort in (to call you and see if you want to do something...are having a shower whatever). Not worth the energy or drama with so little time to go to try and confront her or to completely cut her off...be civil, but dont go out of your way to be friends and deal with your relationship with her after the wedding.

LittleLunarMouse · February 2012

So, I asked a friend to be a BM who I haven't really kept that close with the last couple years but we have been friends since we were kids so I assumed it was what I was supposed to do.

^--- This is your problem. You should never put someone in your wedding party simply out of obligation or because you've been friends for a long time. Clearly this girl has no regard for you as a friend, much less as a person. I would be extrordinarily offended if someone whom I considered to be a 'friend' spoke to my FI that way.

That being said, you don't want to kick her out of your wedding, so where exactly is the help coming in? We can't change your friends behaviour, and from the way you've spoken about her, she isn't planning on changing it anytime soon (she doesn't even see that she did anything wrong!! Danger Will Robinson!). IMHO, you need to reevaluate your friendship. It sounds to me like she is no longer your friend. People grow and change. You are most likely at very different stages in your life; clearly she is more excited to go to the beach than to be a part of your big day. Yes, kicking people out of the wedding can be friendship ending, but if that is the case, was it a friendship that was really worth your time anyways?

BM/friend problems

Re: BM/friend problems

Choose Another Board

Search Boards