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Giving BM the Boot...RANT (kinda long)

mkarnsmkarns
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in Moms and Maids
Let me start by saying I am not a dramatic girl. I hear brides here and there talk about kicking a BM out of their wedding and I think "Not that serious, if nothing else...She's just a space filler".

Well...Now I'm "That" Bride.

In 5 hours I'm getting on a plane to Las Vegas. We're doing a joint bach/bachelorette party there. One of my less-responsible BM's said she was going and we were all a little shocked, but happy she was coming with. She planned to bring her husband. The coordinators of this event have done a lot of work booking rooms, working with the clubs to get everyone in, putting down deposits, and making dinner reservations (awesome people).

So, this one BM confirmed the room but we thought it was suspicious when she quit answering emails about dinner, clubs. Then we told her yesterday she needs to check-in early for the flight so we can sit together. She says her hubby did it yesterday. I'm sorry, but there's a 24 hour limit on check ins 1. Red Flag.
This girl is also my stylist so I needed a spray tan. I was cutting it close so I said "Why dont you just bring the temp bottle to Vegas and I'll do it there?" She replies "Lets just meet at 8p instead." 8p?! 2. Red Flag
Questioning the check in thing, another BM asked her how she checked in early. She said she bought their tickets for a different flight. 5a on Delta. REALLY? 3. Red Flag
I walk into the salon at 8p after a terribly bad day and say "If one more thing happens to me today I'm going into a full-on fit of rage" and she starts FAKE crying. 4. Red Flag

She tells me her husband canceled their flights. Some bogus story about the emergency dentist.

Could you be any more inconsiderate? The people booked a room with another girl. Now that 1 girl is responsible for a 3 night stay in Vegas by herself. F*cked up.

These people do things like this all the time but I never thought they'd do it on this larger scale. To tell me NOT EVEN 24 HOURS BEFORE WE LEAVE?

I dont want to talk to her. Ever. Again. Dramatic? So what. She is inconsiderate and LIES.

Would you guys let this slide for the sake of a space filler or no?
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Re: Giving BM the Boot...RANT (kinda long)

  • kimp67kimp67 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well it's really up to you.  If you really want to completely end this friendship & like you said never talk to her again, then boot her.  I didn't pick my wedding party just to be "space fillers", I picked mine because they were all the people I wanted to stand with me when I got married.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_giving-bm-bootrant-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:45dd75b3-e4c4-492c-8764-ac07a56f779fPost:896e4cd3-8bb8-42ec-a79e-bd2442774912">Giving BM the Boot...RANT (kinda long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Let me start by saying I am not a dramatic girl. I hear brides here and there talk about kicking a BM out of their wedding and I think "Not that serious, if nothing else...She's just a space filler". Well...Now I'm "That" Bride. In 5 hours I'm getting on a plane to Las Vegas. We're doing a joint bach/bachelorette party there. One of my less-responsible BM's said she was going and we were all a little shocked, but happy she was coming with. She planned to bring her husband. The coordinators of this event have done a lot of work booking rooms, working with the clubs to get everyone in, putting down deposits, and making dinner reservations (awesome people). So, this one BM confirmed the room but we thought it was suspicious when she quit answering emails about dinner, clubs. Then we told her yesterday she needs to check-in early for the flight so we can sit together. She says her hubby did it yesterday. I'm sorry, but there's a 24 hour limit on check ins 1. Red Flag. This girl is also my stylist so I needed a spray tan. I was cutting it close so I said "Why dont you just bring the temp bottle to Vegas and I'll do it there?" She replies "Lets just meet at 8p instead." 8p?! 2. Red Flag Questioning the check in thing, another BM asked her how she checked in early. She said she bought their tickets for a different flight. 5a on Delta. REALLY? 3. Red Flag I walk into the salon at 8p after a terribly bad day and say "If one more thing happens to me today I'm going into a full-on fit of rage" and she starts FAKE crying. 4. Red Flag She tells me her husband canceled their flights. Some bogus story about the emergency dentist. Could you be any more inconsiderate? The people booked a room with another girl. Now that 1 girl is responsible for a 3 night stay in Vegas by herself. F*cked up. These people do things like this all the time but I never thought they'd do it on this larger scale. To tell me NOT EVEN 24 HOURS BEFORE WE LEAVE? I dont want to talk to her. Ever. Again. Dramatic? So what. She is inconsiderate and LIES. Would you guys let this slide for the sake of a space filler or no?
    Posted by mkarns[/QUOTE]

    <div>I can understand being peeved at your friend for dropping the ball on the other and leaving her with paying a room by herself and not telling you earlier about not coming. But really, I would wait it out for a few weeks before making an ultimate decision if you want to be friends. Feelings are really raw right now and if you react on them you are going to possibly regret it. Cool off and I suggest that you actually talk to your friend and tell her that her actions hurt you and left another in a very bad predicament. So my suggestion is:</div><div>
    </div><div>1.) Cool down for at least a few weeks.</div><div>
    </div><div>2.) TALK to her and have an open conversation about what she did.</div><div>
    </div><div>3.) After the talk take another couple of weeks to think about "do I really want to be her friend anymore?".</div><div>
    </div><div>4.) Decide what you want to do, do it, and move on.</div>
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  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    This is a friend issue, not a wedding issue. If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, end the friendship and the Bm issue will take care of itself. I do find it strange that you consider this girl a "space filler" that tells me you just chose people for numbers and symmetry and not who is truly closest to you. If that's the case you shouldn't have expected her to change for your wedding. If you do end the friendship (not kick her out of the wedding party) don't replace her for symmetry.
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  • frogurt814frogurt814
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The fact that your BMs are just "space fillers" to you really says a lot about you.

    Anyway, if this is normal behavior for this friend, then I don't really know why you are shocked.  Is the girl that booked the room with them also friends with them?  If she knows these people and knew that they were unreliable, then if I were here, I never would've booked a room with them in the first place.

    I do think it's crappy that they cancelled at the last minute, but oh well.  Be upset about it and then get over it and enjoy your time in Vegas.

    Since your BMs are just space fillers and are obviously not important to you, then I don't know why you are struggling with your decision.
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  • marissa_clairemarissa_claire member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    A tan is not ever a need.  It is a want.  You can live without.  

    Sorry, but it sounds like it's obviously difficult for her to get there.  The fact she wanted to come is very kind and gracious, IMO, and you're mad that she didn't book the same flight?  

    There's a chance she couldn't afford to attend but didn't feel comfortable sharing that with you.  Or there's a chance she's going through major turmoil in her life (emergency dentist aside) and I'm not sure you sound too concerned with that.  
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You lost me at "space filler."  Who would even say something like that?
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Neither of you are handling it right. I really hope you just wrote your OP in the heat of the moment and don't really consider your BMs to just be 'space fillers'.

    Kicking her out would only give her ammunition to use against you for those who don't know the whole story.
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Your BM does not owe you a spray tan, stylist or not.  You yourself said that she's less than responsible.  Why did you assume she would change just because you have a ring on your finger?  She obviously thought originally that she could go, and not has decided that she can't.

    You do sound dramatic, but as you said "so what".  It doesn't sound like you care how you sound.

    Do whatever you want with your "space fillers".  You're right, you are "that bride".

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  • hlq2011hlq2011
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In the OPs defense, I think she was looking at OTHER girls who flip out over their BMs refusing to be a part of showers, bach parties, shopping trips, etc., and saying it's not worth causing drama by kicking them out.  I didn't take the "space filler" comment as her talking about her own BMs.

    That said, OP, I think you got some good advice above.  The spray tan thing is pretty minor, and definitely not worth kicking your BM out over.  I understand you being upset, though, at the whole Vegas thing.  If she really was lying (and how do you know for sure that she was), then you're understandably upset.  But consider why she might have lied.  Maybe she has some things going on in her personal life, financial troubles, etc, that she doesn't feel comfortable with you knowing about.

    Take some time.  See if there's anything you can do about the room situation - maybe someone else can share with the one girl who's gotten stuck with a room by herself, so everyone pays a little more and she's not out quite so much.  Breathe, have a good time, and then reconsider whether you really want to end your friendship with this girl over this.
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_giving-bm-bootrant-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:45dd75b3-e4c4-492c-8764-ac07a56f779fPost:896e4cd3-8bb8-42ec-a79e-bd2442774912">Giving BM the Boot...RANT (kinda long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]

    She is inconsiderate and LIES. Would you guys let this slide for the sake of a space filler or no?

    Posted by mkarns[/QUOTE]


    Nope, here at the end she referred to her (own) BM as a "space filler".
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  • hlq2011hlq2011
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Okay, missed that... but still.  I don't get the impression she looks at all her bridesmaids that way, just the one she's frustrated with and considering kicking out anyway.
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_giving-bm-bootrant-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:45dd75b3-e4c4-492c-8764-ac07a56f779fPost:1d36663e-3d78-4594-9fb2-6f2501c25fe8">Re: Giving BM the Boot...RANT (kinda long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, missed that... but still.  I don't get the impression she looks at all her bridesmaids that way, just the one she's frustrated with and considering kicking out anyway.
    Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]
    I don't think it speaks very highly of her character if she'd refer to ANYONE in that manner.  It's just an appalling thing to say.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My point exactly.
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  • RevangelRevangel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_giving-bm-bootrant-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:45dd75b3-e4c4-492c-8764-ac07a56f779fPost:1d36663e-3d78-4594-9fb2-6f2501c25fe8">Re: Giving BM the Boot...RANT (kinda long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, missed that... but still.  I don't get the impression she looks at all her bridesmaids that way, just the one she's frustrated with and considering kicking out anyway.
    Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]

    I think you're still right though......I think what she is trying to say is, the BM should not be left  in the bridal party just to be a space filler, like other girls have done, as there is no point in still being friends and/or looking past this kind of behaviour for the sake of the wedding. EDIT: Basically I think that last statement was kinda sarcastic, like she was putting down other people for leaving a bm in the party to fill space when really they couldn't stand them anymore.  

    IMO it was incredibly rude of her to do that.....but don't let it spoil your wedding day (well you won't probably check this until after the big day anyways). 
    If she does this all the time, and you generally can't stand her 1. I don't know why you asked her to be a bm or to give you a fake tan for your wedding. 2. Just don't be friends with her anymore. Simple.  But do give yourself time to calm down, like pp have mentioned.
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    But you don't leave a BM in the WP just to fill space.  You leave a BM in the WP because kicking someone out is a childish thing to do that never reflects well on the bride and is almost never warranted unless the BM did something major (like, something that requires police action).  The mature thing to do is be civil, get through the wedding, and let the friendship run its course after that.  But ending a friendship over stupid wedding drama is just unspeakably sad and very immature.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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  • Soon2BMrsClaySoon2BMrsClay member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    wow..."space filler"? really?

    I agree with RetreadBride; you don't know other people's circumstances. Should she have said something sooner? sure, that would have been nice but again you don't know the details behind her actions and until you do let's hold off on the judgement.


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  • RMacQueenRMacQueen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    One again the "space filler" thing is kinda crass. So she didn't do something you wanted her to... she's not required to anything except show up. I have an uneven wedding party and it's totally fine. 
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