Promote Bridesmaid to MOH?

JenAndBillRod · March 2012

Hello all!

I have an ethical dilemma that I thought I had decided long ago, but now I keep going back and forth.

I asked my two sisters (who both live 2,000 miles away) to be the two people in my bridal party when I got engaged a year ago. I knew neither of them could participate or host any sort of activities and I was fine with that; I just wanted them to be standing next to me and taking part in everything on my big day. I asked my older sister to be the MOH and she happily accepted. Well, long story short, old beef was stirred up and we had a falling out... she stepped down as Maid of Honor in September 2011, but decided to be a Bridesmaid. I figured I would just have 2 bridesmaids, no Maid of Honor and move on (as I thought she was being ridiculous as only the title changed... no duties changed, what-so-ever, because of the distance anyway).

Well, an old childhood friend of mind and I reconnected and although we're 2,000 miles apart she has been such an uplifting, supportive breath of fresh air. She is also so sincere and I love 'er to death. Soon after my MOH dropped out I added this girl to my bridal party and she's been totally cooperative and got her dress, plane tickets, and hotel reservations before ANY of my family.

Ethical issue: We're almost 2 months away from my wedding and I've been debating asking my friend to be the Maid of Honor. I feel like she'd be more honored than offended, but you can never be too sure and I don't want to offend. I would notify her of the tradition to make a speech at the reception (as Idahoans don't always know the New England (NY) way), but definitely wouldn't pressure it and understand that no other duties could be performed; I'm okay with that. I just feel she deserves a more suitable title and am happy to give that to her. She's also coming out a few days earlier than my family so I wanted to treat her to a spa day anyway. Definitely deserving to stand out above the two other girls who just didn't really want to be involved much and complained about everything... my own sisters!

My ideas was to buy the Lil Angels Maid of Honor Journal, fill it out for her, and send it asking her if she'd be my Maid of Honor. http://www.lilangelgifts.com/maid-of-honor.html

Thoughts?

mbcdefg · March 2012

I wouldn't. Things with your sister would just get worse. You aren't required to have a MOH.

And MOH is supposed to be your closest friend ... it seems like your primary intention here is to reward this friend for helping out with your wedding. You don't need to publically recognize the most helpful bridesmaid ... that's not the intention of naming someone MOH, plus your guests really aren't going to care who the most helpful person was (and they won't automatically believe the MOH to be the most helpful person).

Instead of asking her to be MOH, I would just send her a nice note of thanks for her support and help. Maybe give her a small gift in private, or take her out for a special lunch or drinks when she gets into town for your wedding, or bring her back a nice gift from your honeymoon.

JenAndBillRod · March 2012

Thanks for your input, mbcdefg. I believe there is a lot of truth to that. She's been great, but there is still a nice way to let her know I appreciate all she's done.

OBX2011 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_promote-bridesmaid-to-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:437ca38d-67d8-4fb1-bc75-8cf8ce7775c3Post:86a061a7-7787-4309-96b5-bf0b13c4eb01">Re: Promote Bridesmaid to MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't. Things with your sister would just get worse. You aren't required to have a MOH. And MOH is supposed to be your closest friend ... <strong>it seems like your primary intention here is to reward this friend for helping out with your wedding.</strong>You don't need to publically recognize the most helpful bridesmaid ... <strong>that's not the intention of naming someone MOH</strong>, plus your guests really aren't going to care who the most helpful person was (and they won't automatically believe the MOH to be the most helpful person). <strong>Instead of asking her to be MOH, I would just send her a nice note of thanks for her support and help. Maybe give her a small gift in private, or take her out for a special lunch or drinks when she gets into town for your wedding, or bring her back a nice gift from your honeymoon.
</strong>Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this.

It would be very hurtful to your sisters that you are promoting one of your BM's to be your MOH just b/c she this person has contributed more than the others. It's just a really bratty thing to do. Leave things the way they are and like PP said, write a special thank you note and get a nice meaningful gift for her.

JenAndBillRod · March 2012

I write this respectfully, OBX2011, but I am taken back by a choice word you used: bratty. I wouldn't be asking my friend to be my MOH just because she has contributed MORE... she has just been so supportive and really wanted to be involved in whatever ways she can. I'm asking the same of all of the girls and have always asked for their input. Never once did I intend for her Maid of Honor invitation to be "bratty" or a slap in the face to my sisters. My older sister actually dropped out at her own discretion based on the fact that I ultimately refused to take a specific side in my parents' divorce that happened 6 years ago. I am not trying to justify going ahead and asking my friend to be MOH, but I assure you I have no intentions of being a "brat" about any of it. I just have yearned for unconditional support and my friend just happened to fulfill that need. I wanted to repay her with honor, but I am respectful of your guys' opinions about NOT promoting her as it may be an unethical thing to do.

OBX2011 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_promote-bridesmaid-to-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:437ca38d-67d8-4fb1-bc75-8cf8ce7775c3Post:06f4070f-23ca-4ddd-aa61-70c854b1b97c">Re: Promote Bridesmaid to MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]I<strong> write this respectfully, OBX2011, but I am taken back by a choice word you used: bratty.</strong> I wouldn't be asking my friend to be my MOH just because she has contributed MORE... she has just been so supportive and really wanted to be involved in whatever ways she can. I'm asking the same of all of the girls and have always asked for their input. Never once did I intend for her Maid of Honor invitation to be "bratty" or a slap in the face to my sisters. My older sister actually dropped out at her own discretion based on the fact that I ultimately refused to take a specific side in my parents' divorce that happened 6 years ago. I am not trying to justify going ahead and asking my friend to be MOH, but I assure you I have no intentions of being a "brat" about any of it. I just have yearned for unconditional support and my friend just happened to fulfill that need. I wanted to repay her with honor, but I am respectful of your guys' opinions about NOT promoting her as it may be an unethical thing to do.
Posted by JenAndBillRod[/QUOTE]

I clearly said that you were NOT being bratty. Please do not misunderstand, as it was not my intention to offend you.

I offered my opinion and thought it would be nice to do something extra special for her since she has been so supportive of you.

ETA: I DID go back to my 1st post to ETA that I was not saying you were being bratty and I didn't mean for it to come across that way but TK ate the damn thing! I thought about it after I posted and wanted to clarify. Had it not been eaten by TK, you would have seen that. Again, didn't mean to offend in anyway.

eripat17 · March 2012

Ok so I may get harped on for this, and I totally understand the rules of wedding etiquette and why people would suggest that you leave things as they are. I just don't see what the big deal is. Its wonderful that your friend is stepping up and being there for you during a wonderful yet very stressful time in your life. You've obviously re-kindled a great friendship and I don't see anything wrong with wanting her to stand in the spot next to you on your wedding day. You didn't kick your sister our of the MOH spot, she stepped down and decided that she did not want that responsibility and from your PP's it sounds like that decision had nothing to do with your wedding but had to do with personal issues (which totally sucks, I'm sorry that something like that happened). I know that having a MOH is not required but I think that most brides want to have a MOH and you wouldn't have known ahead of time that you were going to re-connect with this friend. I think as long as your friend won't feel offended at not being a first choice (and because of the circumstances it doesn't seem like she would) you should go ahead and ask her! If your sister gets her feelings hurt, well, she made that decision herself, sorry just because you guys disagreed about something doesn't mean that should come in between being sisters and being there for eachother. That's just my personal opinion, like I said, I know it's not "wedding etiquette friendly" but I wish you good luck!!!

JenAndBillRod · March 2012

No offense taken. I just didn't want to come off as spoiled or vengeful as that isn't my intiention. I didn't want to create a negative light on this post as I value the opinions here.

And yes, I guess I mean etiquette more than ethics... just the mere question of, "Is this the wrong thing to do?"

Great points, ladies. She is a great friend, first and foremost. I will take that into consideration before thinking to change a title that lasts for one day. A day at the spa together and a nice sentimental gift that she could USE after the wedding is a great idea.

JenAndBillRod · March 2012

Those are my EXACT thoughts, eripat17 (maybe those Boston folk aren't as bad as we thinkg ~wink~ Totally kidding, but I'm a Yankees fan and had to say it). I relate more with what you're saying.

Even though my older sister and I quarreled--over something ridiculous in my opinion--I still chose to have her stand beside me because she is my sister! I wanted her to be my MOH. It was SHE who couldn't stand by and support me and who ultimately decided to step down. And to me the fact that she did that as my sister sent a greater message than just losing my MOH. I never did get a response from her why she wasn't able to support as MOH, but is able to as a bridesmaid. Both, I think are an honorable title in a sister's wedding.

I am so happy that my friend was willing and able to join my bridal party because the tension between sisters may have been distracting that day. Having her around will just help ease some of that and I really enjoy her company. And you are also right that most brides want that one girl to count on. Whether it's a bridesmaid or MOH. I know I can count on my friend, and my whole thought process was, "She has done so much for me to support me and has been emotionally understanding when I felt I didn't have any support... why not make her feel proud and special and give her a MOH title?!"

I appreciate your support, eripat17.

JenAndBillRod · March 2012

That's the biggest question rolling around my head... Will she feel like a second choice? Or is there a way I can eliminate her being able to feel that way and make her invitation really special? I don't know...

I'm still hung up on it.

eripat17 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_promote-bridesmaid-to-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:437ca38d-67d8-4fb1-bc75-8cf8ce7775c3Post:e5f33614-29a1-4a0c-8b50-22e192aa623b">Re: Promote Bridesmaid to MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Those are my EXACT thoughts, eripat17 (<strong>maybe those Boston folk aren't as bad as we thinkg ~wink~ Totally kidding, but I'm a Yankees fan and had to say it).</strong> I relate more with what you're saying. Even though my older sister and I quarreled--over something ridiculous in my opinion--I still chose to have her stand beside me because she is my sister! I wanted her to be my MOH. It was SHE who couldn't stand by and support me and who ultimately decided to step down. And to me the fact that she did that as my sister sent a greater message than just losing my MOH. I never did get a response from her why she wasn't able to support as MOH, but is able to as a bridesmaid. Both, I think are an honorable title in a sister's wedding. I am so happy that my friend was willing and able to join my bridal party because the tension between sisters may have been distracting that day. Having her around will just help ease some of that and I really enjoy her company. And you are also right that most brides want that one girl to count on. Whether it's a bridesmaid or MOH. I know I can count on my friend, and my whole thought process was, "She has done so much for me to support me and has been emotionally understanding when I felt I didn't have any support... why not make her feel proud and special and give her a MOH title?!" I appreciate your support, eripat17 .
Posted by JenAndBillRod[/QUOTE]

LOL!!!! I know I know....we really aren't that bad!! and...I'm marrying a yankees fan....it's been an adjustment!!! =))) Like I said, I know alot of people will disagree with me and I understand why, but I think you are in a unique situation. IF your sister couldn't physically attend the wedding due to unforseen circumstances (illness, lack of funds, etc) than I would say don't replace her, it's not her fault and even though she's not there you should still consider her your MOH. But the fact that she chose to step down, but still be a BM? It's great that she still wants to be a part of your wedding and everything, but why would she not expect you to ask another close friend who is being there for you and supporting you like alot of MOH's do? And she's doing it because she cares about you and WANTS to be involved! I say go for it =)

eripat17 · March 2012

jbsjr, I do totally get that no one has to have "titles" and she can have her stand next to her in the ceremony as a BM, but her friend is going above and beyond being supportive and helpful when her own sisters aren't, so why not call her what she is? A Maid of Honor

mbody · March 2012

I would not 'retitle' her as a MOH. Just keep her as a BM. Write her a nice heartfelt card thanking her for being a great supportive friend. Tell her how much you appreciate her.

I agree with jcb, second choice is still second choice. It doesn't really matter that your sister stepped down from MOH. Just leave everything as is.

mbcdefg · March 2012

The idea of "promoting" her is what's leaving a sour taste in my mouth.

Plus, even through the sister who was originally MOH dropped out of her own choosing, I think she'd still be very hurt and insulted if someone else was asked to be MOH. And your second sister might be very hurt that a friend was asked to be the new MOH over her.

My vote - just leave everything how it is in regards to titles, and if you are grateful for the friend's support then do something nice for her like a gift or treat her to dinner. I think that's the easiest and least dramatic way to handle this.

eripat17 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_promote-bridesmaid-to-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:437ca38d-67d8-4fb1-bc75-8cf8ce7775c3Post:1a1071b8-f9d1-44d6-9669-107962fcf0fa">Re: Promote Bridesmaid to MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]The idea of "promoting" her is what's leaving a sour taste in my mouth. Plus, even through the sister who was originally MOH dropped out of her own choosing, I think she'd still be very hurt and insulted if someone else was asked to be MOH. <strong>And your second sister might be very hurt that a friend was asked to be the new MOH over her</strong>. My vote - just leave everything how it is in regards to titles, and if you are grateful for the friend's support then do something nice for her like a gift or treat her to dinner. I think that's the easiest and least dramatic way to handle this.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

This is very true and something that I did not think of

JenAndBillRod · March 2012

Yeah, I could see some possible jealousy. Although...my younger sister just got married and chose a friend to be her MOH over even asking either of her sisters. Neither of us was the least bit offended. However, I do agree. Maybe it's best just to keep it the way it is as to not offend my friend OR my younger sister.

rlavach · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_promote-bridesmaid-to-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:437ca38d-67d8-4fb1-bc75-8cf8ce7775c3Post:db82b3af-7650-4577-98a1-600e2eefb7e3">Re: Promote Bridesmaid to MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I could see some possible jealousy. Although...my younger sister just got married and chose a friend to be her MOH over even asking either of her sisters. Neither of us was the least bit offended. However, I do agree. Maybe it's best just to keep it the way it is as to not offend my friend OR my younger sister.
Posted by JenAndBillRod[/QUOTE]
Considering the way your sister behaved in 'stepping down' as MOH, I'd really not do this. She seems to be unpredictable and immature. Do you really want to stir that pot & deal with more of a headache? <div>
</div><div>I know it's frowned upon here, but I did have a BM that ended up becoming my MOH later. I had a MOH and a BM since the beginning. 2 mo before the wedding, my MOH dropped out. In fact, she dropped off the face of the earth. No one knows where she is, including her parents. Apparently she's doing some pretty terrible things and did some really mean things to her parents and former FI. </div><div>
</div><div>So, kind of by default, my BM became my MOH. At first I was just going to leave it as BM because I didn't want to offend her. Then I realized that she really has gone out of her way to help me in so many ways & has really been there for me. Plus, I know she doesn't offend easily. So, I asked & she was delighted. It worked in my case.</div>

JenAndBillRod · March 2012

rlavach, you're right! I don't need any more headache... especially this close to the wedding. As you can tell by one incident my family hasn't been entirely 'rosey' to me. All I need is to give them a reason to get all upset the week of my wedding.

I'm sorry you went through a rough patch with your MOH issues. I'm glad it worked out for you.. and it may have been better that it did as your MOH at the weddig sounds like a lovely person.

mbcdefg · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_promote-bridesmaid-to-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:437ca38d-67d8-4fb1-bc75-8cf8ce7775c3Post:db82b3af-7650-4577-98a1-600e2eefb7e3">Re: Promote Bridesmaid to MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I could see some possible jealousy. Although...my younger sister just got married and chose a friend to be her MOH over even asking either of her sisters. Neither of us was the least bit offended. However, I do agree. Maybe it's best just to keep it the way it is as to not offend my friend OR my younger sister.
Posted by JenAndBillRod[/QUOTE]

I can understand a bride choosing a very close friend over a not-so-close sister as MOH, right from the get-go. But I think the hurtful part to your second sister would be if she was passed over a <em>second</em> time for MOH when you were "assigning" a new one, especially if the new MOH is a girl who was <em>just</em> added to the bridal party.

I don't even think it's a matter of jealousy - not, "Aw man, I wanted to be MOH and the friend got it instead." Rather, I think it might come across more as a slap in the face to your second sister or a deliberate slight, even though I know that's not your intention here.

JenAndBillRod · March 2012

Yeah, unfortunately I didn't see that... I should have. I want there to be peace on that day and I think leaving it as-is will be the safer route. I can always make my friend feel extra special without the other sisters knowing; i.e., pampering her with a spa date when she gets into town (earlier than all other guests), a dinner date, a nice gift after the fact, etc. Great advice!

MiksChick23 · March 2012

I think that if someone asked me to be their MOH 2 months before their wedding, I'd feel like it was b/c I was replacing someone else (unless the engagment itself was this short). Regardless of how much I'd helped, I'd feel second choice.

TiffannieF · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_promote-bridesmaid-to-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:437ca38d-67d8-4fb1-bc75-8cf8ce7775c3Post:5c68027e-9ffc-4e3f-aa2b-fc60549af8bb">Promote Bridesmaid to MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello all! I have an ethical dilemma that I thought I had decided long ago, but now I keep going back and forth. I asked my two sisters (who both live 2,000 miles away) to be the two people in my bridal party when I got engaged a year ago. I knew neither of them could participate or host any sort of activities and I was fine with that; I just wanted them to be standing next to me and taking part in everything on my big day. I asked my older sister to be the MOH and she happily accepted. Well, long story short, old beef was stirred up and we had a falling out... she stepped down as Maid of Honor in September 2011, but decided to be a Bridesmaid. I figured I would just have 2 bridesmaids, no Maid of Honor and move on (as I thought she was being ridiculous as only the title changed... no duties changed, what-so-ever, because of the distance anyway). Well, an old childhood friend of mind and I reconnected and although we're 2,000 miles apart she has been such an uplifting, supportive breath of fresh air. She is also so sincere and I love 'er to death. Soon after my MOH dropped out I added this girl to my bridal party and she's been totally cooperative and got her dress, plane tickets, and hotel reservations before ANY of my family. Ethical issue: We're almost 2 months away from my wedding and I've been debating asking my friend to be the Maid of Honor. I feel like she'd be more honored than offended, but you can never be too sure and I don't want to offend. I would notify her of the tradition to make a speech at the reception (as Idahoans don't always know the New England (NY) way), but definitely wouldn't pressure it and understand that no other duties could be performed; I'm okay with that. I just feel she deserves a more suitable title and am happy to give that to her. She's also coming out a few days earlier than my family so I wanted to treat her to a spa day anyway. Definitely deserving to stand out above the two other girls who just didn't really want to be involved much and complained about everything... my own sisters! My ideas was to buy the Lil Angels Maid of Honor Journal, fill it out for her, and send it asking her if she'd be my Maid of Honor. <a href="http://www.lilangelgifts.com/maid-of-honor.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.lilangelgifts.com/maid-of-honor.html</a> Thoughts?
Posted by JenAndBillRod[/QUOTE]

No do not ask her...you will more than likely cause drama with EVERYBODY: sisters and this friend (she might feel like she was asked last minute and was never a first choice).

bonge · March 2012

I would strongly advise making up a new name. Your first & last name with your FH is a bold move & it would not take long for people to finds all sort of stuff on you guys "google" is an easy tool & many people have found address both home & work etc when people have their full name.

With that being said it sounds lke you are going to do the right thing & not ruffle feathers. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders

mdeidre · March 2012

I agree with most pps who said skip the titles and keep everyone a BM. It would be nice to go on and do the spa day with her and tell her how much you appreciate all of her help and support. You may not mean it as vengeful, but if your sister is sensitive, she might take it that way.

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