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Etiquette

Bad etiquette - as a wedding guest?

behsco90behsco90 Oregon member
100 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
My cousin is getting married in July and we just received our save-the-dates.  I was going to ask her if my boyfriend could come to the wedding, but not sure if it's proper etiquette. 

We've been together for a year and may or may not be engaged before her wedding (the timing of course is up to my boyfriend).  He is pretty much a part of the family - goes to all the family functions and works for the family company.  However, he has never met my cousin - we live in Oregon, she lives in Washington DC and the wedding is in LA.

I'm pretty sure my cousin would be fine with it, but just want to know the best way to go about asking - if it's ok to ask.

Thanks!
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Re: Bad etiquette - as a wedding guest?

  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    Do you two live together? Or is she aware of your relationship? I think it's fine to ask but I would wait until you get your actual invitation. It should be addressed to both of you, if not then I would ask. I'm sending my save the dates out this weekend. I have several cousins who still live with their parents but I know they have SOs. I sent one std for the whole household but my cousin and her so will get their own invite. This may be the case.
  • If she knew that you are dating someone, she should have invited him by name on your invitation. I suggest calling her and asking, "Hi Cousin, I got your save the date and am looking forward to your wedding, and just wanted to double check that it's for Boyfriend too."

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  • behsco90behsco90 Oregon member
    100 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    We don't live together - I still live with my parents - I guess I should clarify the save-the-date was sent to my family and I.   I'm not sure if she is aware of the relationship.  She hasn't been home to LA or visited Oregon (where most of our extended family lives) in probably a year.
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  • I would still just call her and ask. Maybe she did like PP said and sent STDs to families and intends to address invitations to individuals and their significant others. [If you're over 18, you should be invited separately from your parents anyway. Apparently STDs can be more lax, although I still think it's best to spell out who will be invited.]

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I would wait until you get the invitation. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • In Response to Re:Bad etiquette as a wedding guest?:[QUOTE]It's not a wedding invitation, it's an STD. OP, she probably just addressed the STD to you either because it's NOT an invite and we always tell brides to err on the side of caution if they aren't sure. An STD is equal to an invite, so honestly I wouldn't put my cousin's boyfriend that I hadn't met on the STD especially if she's still living at home and it's addressed to everyone just in case. If you get the actual WEDDING INVITATION and he's not on THAT, then call and ask. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
    I get what you're saying. Hopefully it was an honest mistake, or not a mistake at all as in the PP case above, that will work itself out by the time invitations go out. It just seems like, in general, it would be helpful for everyone involved to be clear on who the STD is intended for. Since it sounds like the OP will need to travel to attend the wedding, I would guess that her boyfriend needs to be able to get time off work, make travel arrangements, etc. [and literally, save that date].

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  • I agree with what is said above.  However, I think the best thing to do is call your cousin & tell her you got the STD and are excited for the wedding...blah blah blah.  At some point in your converstation, bring up your BF and how you can't wait for her to meet him so she is aware that you have one (it's possible that she isn't aware).  I wouldn't directly ask though until the invitations go out.
  • If you need to book travel plans prior to when you would be getting the invite since it is out of town for you, I don't think it would be wrong to call her and just say, I'm working on making travel plans for your wedding & I didn't want to be inapproriate but I wanted see if "Bob" was invited also, I wasn't sure based on the STD. If she asks who "Bob" is you can tell her your boyfriend of over a year, which then she'll probably say yes. But depending on her budget, be prepared if she didn't know for her to say sorry I didn't know and we're at our max for our guest list.
  • behsco90behsco90 Oregon member
    100 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Thanks for the advice everyone. I will need to ask her in the nexy few weeks as we are planning on booking flights and hotel in midFebruary. My next question would be do I ask my cousin or my aunt? The STDs came from my aunt and uncle, so I'm assuming they are hosting?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-etiquette-as-a-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81d91b7e-21e6-4456-9ba3-1edfaf6c067dPost:044e7b97-2a55-4541-bf0d-83097473b336">Re: Bad etiquette - as a wedding guest?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with what is said above.  However, I think the best thing to do is call your cousin & tell her you got the STD and are excited for the wedding...blah blah blah.  At some point in your converstation, bring up your BF and how you can't wait for her to meet him so she is aware that you have one (it's possible that she isn't aware).  I wouldn't directly ask though until the invitations go out.
    Posted by Jager1219[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this - call her and just casually mention the BF before she addresses the invites so she knows/remembers he exists.  Much less awkward than asking, I think.  I know it's bad etiquette not to invite SOs, but it does happen, my cousin got married and did not invite my BF of 2 years (now my FI), and she did not invite my siblings' SOs either.  Budget/capacity restraints cause people to do this I guess, and I personally am glad she invited me without him rather than not inviting me at all, since she means a lot to me and he hardly knows her anyways.

    Alternatively, if you are concerned about making travel plans early etc, you could just outright ask your aunt, so long as you can count on her to give you accurate information and relay your conversation to the bride (some aunts can be flaky..).  Chances are, she is pretty in the loop with the wedding planning, specifically when it comes to the guest list (I'm assuming, since the STDs came from her address).  It might be less awkward than directly asking the bride, I know some brides feel really badly when asked about who's invited and having to say no. 

    Good luck, I hope that in the end your BF gets to join you at the wedding!
  • Wait for the invitation. If it is addressed to both of you then it is ok to take him. I know of brides who did not invite even engaged couples to the wedding, they had to be married (how rude in todays world in my opinion). 
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  • behsco90behsco90 Oregon member
    100 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    So I called my aunt last week and asked her. She said she would talk to my cousin. Well I still haven't heard back from them but last night one of my uncles called my cousin to find out if she had made a decision because his son would only go if my boyfriend goes and they wanted to buy their plane tickets. Well anyways she told him they had decided no because if they make an exception for me, they have to for everyone and I guess dinner is $100 a person. But my cousin didn't know how to call me and say no.

    So long story short, I'm sad that my boyfriend can't come and a little upset that they haven't called to give me an answer but I understand why its no.
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