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FMIL - ugh!

expatmrsexpatmrs member
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in Moms and Maids
So I would like some advice on how to handle my CURRENT FMIL issue. My fiance and I have been discussing where we would like our rehearsal dinner (he's out of the country for work so I'm doing much of it on my own). During my research for the perfect place, I receive an email from the wedding coordinator at our venue that my FMIL has contacted them on her own and BOOKED the same venue for our rehearsal dinner without even telling us! My fiance told her this was not OK and that we had our eye on other places, since clearly the reception is going to be at the same place and we didn't want that. She has offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner which is great, but in her world, that means she can decide everything without asking us if it's ok. I feel like this is just not how it's supposed to go! WE are getting married - now I'm stuck having to deal with the whole situation on telling her where we have chosen to have it. Help me please on how to deal with this!!!! PS - She lives in Pittsburgh so I thought she'd trust me on this one....
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Re: FMIL - ugh!

  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    If she's paying for the RD, she gets to decide on the details.  Unfortunately, that means that if she wants to have the RD at the wedding reception venue, that's what she gets to decide.  Your FI might be able to talk to her but if she's already booked the venue, she might not be able to change it.  If you want to do something else, you and FI will need to pay for the RD on your own (and maybe reimburse her if she's out a deposit).
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  • kimiandgarykimiandgary
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    You are in a sticky situation since she is paying for everything. We went the route of proposing a few options in a variety of price ranges to FI's parents. Since they are OOT it would have been hard for them to find something (much like your situation).

    I would try to appeal to her on the account that you don't want to take away from the wedding reception by having an event there the night before. Offer to search for places she is comfortable with. Have FI speak to her as well 

    Good luck.
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
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    If she is paying, she is hosting and it is her call.  I agree that doing it at the same place as the reception is thoughtless, but you are going down a wrong road here.

    Here is the deal when others pay for something for your wedding - THEY decide if they wil make all the decisions or if they will have you make the choices and just write the check.  It is a risk you take when you accept financial help with your wedding.

    I think it would be right for her to consider your and FI's wishes and plan accordingly, but it sounds like she has attached strings to her money.

    Just because FI is out of the country doesn't mean he can't communicate with his mom.  He should be the one dealing with her and asking her consider what the two of you would like.  In the end, she who pays has the say.

    Good luck.
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  • Annas2013Annas2013 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:80b9210c-5a30-4c8d-a8c0-6da5c57c8fa3Post:4488821d-fffa-4c4a-9257-e4eca6448092">Re: FMIL - ugh!</a>:
    [QUOTE]If she is paying, she is hosting and it is her call.  I agree that doing it at the same place as the reception is thoughtless, but you are going down a wrong road here. Here is the deal when others pay for something for your wedding - THEY decide if they wil make all the decisions or if they will have you make the choices and just write the check.  It is a risk you take when you accept financial help with your wedding. I think it would be right for her to consider your and FI's wishes and plan accordingly, but it sounds like she has attached strings to her money. Just because FI is out of the country doesn't mean he can't communicate with his mom.  He should be the one dealing with her and asking her consider what the two of you would like.  In the end, she who pays has the say. Good luck.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This.  It basically says everything I was going to say.  But here's a little more.  It's your FI's mom, he's the one that needs to be talking to her.  I honestly don't see the issue with having the rehearsal dinner at the same place as the wedding ceremony or reception.  It's the night before, and they are two different events.  You have to remember that if she's paying, she has a say in where it's held.  Plus if she's paying for everything and hosting it herself, you and your FI can give options, when asked.  If she doesn't ask you, then your opinion of where you want it doesn't matter.  If she's paying for all of it, she can technically have it wherever she wants.  Remember that all money tends to come with strings attached.

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  • AEPerpeteAEPerpete member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:80b9210c-5a30-4c8d-a8c0-6da5c57c8fa3Post:1c31428e-da7c-41ad-baed-e124db7ee080">Re: FMIL - ugh!</a>:
    [QUOTE] Remember that all money tends to come with strings attached.
    Posted by Annas2013[/QUOTE]

    So true.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:80b9210c-5a30-4c8d-a8c0-6da5c57c8fa3Post:244eda29-7fbc-4b5e-a0ee-99aa0b88311b">FMIL - ugh!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I would like some advice on how to handle my CURRENT FMIL issue. My fiance and I have been discussing where we would like our rehearsal dinner (he's out of the country for work so I'm doing much of it on my own). During my research for the perfect place, I receive an email from the wedding coordinator at our venue that my FMIL has contacted them on her own and BOOKED the same venue for our rehearsal dinner without even telling us! My fiance told her this was not OK and that we had our eye on other places, since clearly the reception is going to be at the same place and we didn't want that.<strong> She has offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner which is great, but in her world, that means she can decide everything without asking us if it's ok.</strong> I feel like this is just not how it's supposed to go! WE are getting married - <strong>now I'm stuck having to deal with the whole situation on telling her where we have chosen to have it. </strong>Help me please on how to deal with this!!!! PS - She lives in Pittsburgh so I thought she'd trust me on this one....
    Posted by Rittelc[/QUOTE]

    That's how it is in the real world. Whoever is paying for the dinner is the host and calls all the shots, including choosing the location, menu and number of guests. Your FMIL may think she has planned a lovely surprise for you. She knows you like this place because you picked it for your wedding, so she followed suit. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt.

    What do you mean that you are stuck having to tell her where you want to have the dinner? After her son turned down her generous offer, is she still willing to pay for the dinner? I think the only way to deal with her is to be gracious and thankful that she is still willing to host.
                       
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    You go out of your way to find reasons to be upset with your FMIL, don't you?
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  • devilishangel61401devilishangel61401
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:80b9210c-5a30-4c8d-a8c0-6da5c57c8fa3Post:9bdf95ac-2928-43ec-8361-c5574a47e35d">Re: FMIL - ugh!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to FMIL - ugh! : That's how it is in the real world. Whoever is paying for the dinner is the host and calls all the shots, including choosing the location, menu and number of guests. Your FMIL may think she has planned a lovely surprise for you. She knows you like this place because you picked it for your wedding, so she followed suit. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt. What do you mean that you are stuck having to tell her where you want to have the dinner? After her son turned down her generous offer, is she still willing to pay for the dinner? I think the only way to deal with her is to be gracious and thankful that she is still willing to host.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]


    I agree with a lot of this. I think its sweet that she would offer to pay for and set up the rehearsal dinner for you. She probaly thought she was being sweet and saving you some work. I was married before and I wished my in laws or my mom would have been more involved the only person helping me was my dad and I was way stressed out.. Id say thank you and smile through it but thats just me.
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  • LittleMissCutiePieLittleMissCutiePie
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    [QUOTE]You go out of your way to find reasons to be upset with your FMIL, don't you?
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    This. Pick your battles, dear. Your FMIL means well, and it's not worth getting upset at her over everything. If she pays, she says. Either suck it up or decline her offer to pay for it. I guarantee that your guests will not give two hoots where your RD is. As long as it's not in an alley eating out of a dumpster, your guests will just appreciate being fed. Don't let this be your hill to die on.
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  • expatmrsexpatmrs member
    First Comment
    I definitely don't find reasons to be upset with my fmil ( she wanted to take me wedding dress shopping without inviting my own mother). And my fiancé and I have no problem footing the bill for the RD. thanks to the ladies who gave helpful and nonjudgmental advice- I think I'll just let this one go and suck it up :)
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  • JennaRose05JennaRose05 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:80b9210c-5a30-4c8d-a8c0-6da5c57c8fa3Post:6fb07671-905a-4937-b8a9-c8fac323b263">Re: FMIL - ugh!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I definitely don't find reasons to be upset with my fmil ( she wanted to take me wedding dress shopping without inviting my own mother). And my fiancé and I have no problem footing the bill for the RD. thanks to the ladies who gave helpful and nonjudgmental advice- I think I'll just let this one go and suck it up :)
    Posted by Rittelc[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this. My FMIL has not been the best to work with either. Everything changed after we got engaged. My Fiance and I chose the location of our Rehearsal Dinner. Perhaps that's not what's typical (from the previous post) but we wanted to share a place that was meaningful to us with our friends and family. The last thing you want to do is have a big fight about it. I hate to tell you to let it go, but that might be the best thing to do. I agree with you, but in my experience... we never win. : (
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  • expatmrsexpatmrs member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:80b9210c-5a30-4c8d-a8c0-6da5c57c8fa3Post:fb83e7cc-60a7-4c9b-9d66-10f9c65b6b4a">Re: FMIL - ugh!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL - ugh! : I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this. My FMIL has not been the best to work with either. Everything changed after we got engaged. My Fiance and I chose the location of our Rehearsal Dinner. Perhaps that's not what's typical (from the previous post) but we wanted to share a place that was meaningful to us with our friends and family. The last thing you want to do is have a big fight about it. I hate to tell you to let it go, but that might be the best thing to do. I agree with you, but in my experience... we never win. : (
    Posted by JennaRose05[/QUOTE]

    I agree that avoiding an arguemnt is the most important thing, even though we are not happy about how she handled the RD. The thing that was so strange is we never even had a talk with her about her paying for it. My fiance and I were going to handle it on our own, then I received an email from the wedding coordinator that his mom had contacted them about the RD. She never even called to tell me. When my FI spoke with her about it, she said she would like the RD at the same place as the reception "so that people know how to get there the next day after the ceremony". We appreciate that she wants to help, but I really think she handled it the wrong way.
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