MOB regrets

zaralin · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jilted-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3567c57-4e51-4696-a09b-f4cd652509ddPost:dea06bb9-5188-41ba-9a38-90c4c2eb137d">Re:Jilted MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]... this is all HER fault because SHE isn't communicating the right way with me and she's said some mean things and she's an angry, ungrateful little snot."
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]Never said this situation is all her fault and she is an angry, ungrateful little snot. Go back and re-read. Please don't pull my posts out of context. I clearly admitted I was at fault. Also, when I said she was angry, I was addressing repeated comments of celebrating her independence and wanted to express that there is always two sides to a coin that while yes, I definitely celebrate her independence, but yet will not excuse immature behavior either. I don't care if anyone here disagrees with me. I have received the good things that were said and expressed that. I'm just saying some things that have been expressed here have not been helpful, your comments a perfect example. Twisting my words and completely misintepreting what I did say.

zaralin · October 2012

Apology letter and money gift sent without strings attached. End of story. Thanks.

pink34562000 · October 2012

That's ashamed that you DD your post. Lots of other brides and MOBs could have learn from it.

zaralin · October 2012

My original post is quoted within some of the other posts. The lessons and what I wish I knew before I said anything to my daughter about her wedding.

1. Ask daughter if she wanted my help and if she did, how would she like me to help.

2. Throw all expectations of what I perceived my role as the mother of the bride to be out the window.

3. Ask myself first if my "helpful advice" is truly helpful at all. Ask myself if it comes across as advice, criticism, or my agenda.

4. Be thankful and praise often.

5. Love unconditionally.

zaralin · October 2012

Retread, do you need glasses? The first post was incredibly rude. No one here has been rude when I've been told I'm a martyr, I'm controlling, I gave this thread the wrong title, etc.? If that's not being rude then I'd hate to see what your definition of rude is. No, I take that back, I have seen your rudeness. LOL!
Good advice? It's not even constructive criticism. It's just cheap shots.

I have repeated several times now how I admit I made a mistake, I apologized. What more do you want to see or hear? Honestly, I don't have to prove anything to you. You're the one going on and on and on about what a horrible mother I am.

Viczaesar · October 2012

OP, why do you keep changing the title of this thread? You seem very high maintenance.

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jilted-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3567c57-4e51-4696-a09b-f4cd652509ddPost:db17a107-6f07-461f-a0a1-07b62b4bfa32">Re: DD - I love you</a>:
[QUOTE]No, Zaralin, I don't need glasses, and I read better than you do. Nobody was rude to you. I do know what The Knot defines as rudeness because I am one of the moderators. You posted asking for advice. You will get advice you don't like and opinions with which you will disagree. Perhaps the internet is not the best place for you if you cannot accept this. This is a forum of adults and I'm beginning to suspect that you aren't an MOB at all. You keep prattling about the "respect" your daughter "owes" you (no longer, since she is now an adult), and are angry that she didn't include you in her wedding plans. It's great that you want to help, but you seem more in search of control. Your niece set herself up for disappointment when she assumed that kinship meant she was "owed" a place in someone else's wedding party. That was rude and extremely forward. She'll get over it, in any case. Your daughter was under no obligation to either ask her or to apologize for not including her. Do you addressdaughter's objections in the same your way you do ours? If so, then I'm not surprised that she isn't sharing all her plans with you. Be glad you've raised such an intelligent, responsible, capable child, and move on. Your job as a parent is done, and you evidently did it very well. Take comfort from this.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Exactly what I was thinking. If my mother had acted like this she wouldn't have heard from me about anything going on in my lifevuntil she got the invitation in the mail.

TheVirginians · October 2012

Thank you, Zaralinn, for your original post. I am a MOB and have learned so much from the points of view from all the replies. This has really helped me learn how to interact with my dear daughter and her FI regarding their upcoming nuptials. The posts have helped me to change my expectations of my role in their wedding planning. Even though my husband and I are paying for a chunk of their wedding, we have learned to back off from trying to control the day.

laurafrank79 · October 2012

Hi,
I'm so glad to find this on there. I fully understand you- and I want to point out that you are not wrong for feeling this way. At all.

I got engaged 4 months ago and had always dreamed of a fall wedding. So my fiance and I picked a date in September. My mom said she wasn't thrilled about the date, but said she wanted us to be happy and that everyone could make it. She had originally pictured a non-religious wedding in August with all these ideas for florals, invitations, registry etc. But its just not me, or my fiance at all. We want a Jewish wedding in the fall with different ideas.

However, she has decided that I am doing all of this to hurt her and exclude her family. Every time I try to tell her its not true and that it hurts my feelings that she would think so little of me, she ignores it. Everytime I tell her that the wedding date is official and ask how we can work together on the rest of the wedding, she just tells me how terrible I am for picking this date just to spite her. Now she won't talk to me. Its putting a strain on her and my father's marriage and putting a huge damper on the wedding. I don't know if our relationship will ever recover- I've had to plan this wedding by myself with friends and other family helping out.

MY ADVICE- let the past be the past. Don't bring up your hurt feelings to your daughter- it won't get anywhere. Accept the choices she's made already and tell her how excited you are for the choices that come in the future. Showing her you support what's already been done and that you're looking forward to the next steps will give her what she needs. If my mom did that I would be so so so happy, and everything my mom said or did that hurt me would be forgotten. Don't let your daughter's wedding pass by without you- TRUST ME- she wants you there.

zaralin · October 2012

Thank you all so much for your posts! My head is so much clearer now. Gosh, what in the world was I thinking when I orginally wrote!? It's embarrasing, but so glad to see that some of you have learned from my own personal experience. va4ryans and laurafrank79, I so appreciate what you have written. Honestly, I was just going to close down my computer and avoid visiting this thread, but so glad I did.

Laurafrank, I wish I could be your "Jewish" mom and support you. I'm not Jewish, but have a Jewish ancestry and love many of the Jewish customs and traditions. In fact, my daughter would love to have a chuppah. When I told her what a chuppah symbolized, she really liked the idea. Laura, I would never think of not attending my daughter's wedding. I would never miss it for anything in the world. When I originally wrote, I was very upset, and now I regret deeply ever penning those words.

I have very good news to report. My daughter and I made ammends. I feel as though I am starting with a clean slate, and using some of the advice I received here, I can go forward and be the kind of support my daughter needs.

Retread, not to worry, yes I am a MOB and love my daughter very much. I'm so sorry I was snarky too and apologize if I caused problems on this forum.

TheVirginians · October 2012

Glad it is working out! Venting always helps me.

TheVirginians · October 2012

Glad it is working out! It always helps me to vent.

jenijoyk · February 2014

This thread is very old, but I am really glad I found it. I am recently engaged, and in the excitement I completley ran full steam ahead on my wedding planning, without taking a moment to stop and ask my mom what her expectations were and how she'd like to be involved. Instead, I assumed no one would be that happy to take on "tasks" and had the attitude that I'm throwing a party for everyone and I want them to enjoy it! I forgot the central tenet that a wedding is so much more than just a party, and means so much to more people than just the couple.

With my mom, it all came to a head a few days ago, when I mentioned that I had purchased a dress. Without first taking her shopping. She lives far away, she had never once mentioned she was looking forward to dress shopping, and I never even thought about it. Now, in hindsight, I realize how completely wretched that was of me. She still isn't speaking to me, no matter how many times I apologize. I've gone from being blissfully on Cloud 9, thinking of nothing but my lovely wedding, to feeling so, so crappy about myself. Hopefully she'll forgive me soon and we can start working on everything else together! Or better yet, go find another dress!

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

@KnotPorscha, zombie thread.

@jenijoyk, I know you posted your own thread, but please watch the dates on these -- this thread is more than a year old; OP is long gone and her issue is solved.

jenijoyk · February 2014

I know. I was just adding to the chronicles...

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