Cash Only For Baby, Please?

rsanna · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:19d379ac-1ab2-4216-b798-6c7d334dbfcc">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : We're Catholic, and of course he knows! My mother also knows. <strong>She is livid and was/is debating not attending.</strong>
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

<div>Again, I'm sorry your family is immature about the situation. But that doesn't mean you should lie to your friends and family. Are you having a convalidiation on your "wedding" day then? (<-- Not trying to be rude, but from what I know if you don't get married in the Church then you aren't legally married in the Catholic faith.)</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Also, I'm assuming the mom is threatening not to attend, not because of the PPD but because OP is pregnant. </div>

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:c93c12f2-77a5-4710-a72d-3f6950efee00">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : Could you just make it a party instead of a wedding? I'm really not trying to sound rude here, but you can't have a wedding when you're already married.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

<div>Invitations have been sent, but people can call it what they want. We had debated cancelling the ceremony the day of the wedding and telling everyone that its private now, and still have the reception as planned, but it comes across as too sneaky I think.</div>

strlzfan11 · January 2013

If complete strangers are telling you that you're being rude and lying, there's a really good chance your family is going to think this way as well. Part of being an adult is owning up to what you've done. Stop lying to your friends and your family. They may not like what you've done, but they will respect you a heck of a lot more for coming clean now instead of finding out by accident later on (believe me, they'll find out).

beardo1111 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:19271d9a-a323-4dc8-ae2b-7f06a53ec0f6">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : Your priest has agreed to go through with a fake wedding? I find that impossible to believe.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Ditto this - I'm also Catholic and priests do not officiate wedding ceremonies people who are already married. What, is he going to sign a fake wedding certificate too? If you don't want other people to judge your decisions you need to start being honest about them.

I'm thinking MUD. Right? I hope....

lauralaur · January 2013

But you weren't married when the baby was conceived, which is what I imagine the families would be upset about. And I also don't understand going to the courthouse, because with your wedding being so soon, you would still have been married for some time before the baby was born, so I guess my question is, what did the courthouse ceremony accomplish?

OP I have to say, if I was a close relative of yours and found out that you were pregnant, hiding it from me, and married and hiding it from me, I'd be all sorts of upset.

J&K10910 · January 2013

Too sneaky? Because lying about your marital status is not sneaky?

Still wondering why you had the courthouse ceremony.

bridalmarch · January 2013

At any rate, you should absolutely cancel your registries. Registries and showers are for brides, and you are a wife.

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:2b44b6c2-e9e3-4f5a-b20a-ca2ca16195bc">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : Again, I'm sorry your family is immature about the situation. But that doesn't mean you should lie to your friends and family. <strong><u>Are you having a convalidiation on your "wedding" day then?</u></strong> (<-- Not trying to be rude, but from what I know if you don't get married in the Church then you aren't legally married in the Catholic faith.) ETA: Also, I'm assuming the mom is threatening not to attend, not because of the PPD but because OP is pregnant.
Posted by rsanna[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes. We are not married in the eyes of the church yet.</div>

rsanna · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:54b747ad-d5a4-45cc-8c2f-b5759b1748a0">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : Invitations have been sent, but people can call it what they want. We had debated cancelling the ceremony the day of the wedding and telling everyone that its private now, and still have the reception as planned, <strong>but it comes across as too sneaky I think.</strong>
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

<div>That actually would have been a better plan - to have a party celebrating your marriage. I just don't understand how you think lying to everyone isn't as sneaky as having a fake wedding and reception.</div>

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:101c0df6-c1d8-43af-b8ad-c62ea360be0c">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : Yes. We are not married in the eyes of the church yet.
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

Whether or not you are married in the eyes of the church, you are <strong>married.</strong> Unless you get divorced or one of you dies, you do not get another "wedding."

beardo1111 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:3efe47e0-2fc4-441d-a3d8-602ac86c42da">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]Too sneaky? Because lying about your marital status is not sneaky? <strong>Still wondering why you had the courthouse ceremony.</strong>
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

This - even if you didn't want to come out and tell everyone about the pregnancy I don't understand why you felt the need to go through with a courthouse ceremony two months before your scheduled wedding. Especially because you were already pregnant at that time so what difference does it make??

Still thinking MUD....this is too much.

strlzfan11 · January 2013

If you're not married in the eyes of the church, have a convalidation ceremony with just the two of you and maybe your immediate families if you want. Many churches have rules about what is/isn't allowed at a convalidation ceremony.

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:aeaacc67-7675-4370-ab10-a5c944cf3c2b">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : That actually would have been a better plan - to have a party celebrating your marriage. I just don't understand how you think lying to everyone isn't as sneaky as having a fake wedding and reception.
Posted by rsanna[/QUOTE]

<div>It's NOT fake because we are NOT married in the eyes of the church, and that is all they care about. A courthouse ceremony means as much to them as just putting on the ring and saying I'm married now.</div>

beardo1111 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:1e07bb9f-31a9-43f4-a3b8-39b369edc863">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : It's NOT fake because we are NOT married in the eyes of the church, and that is all they care about. <strong>A courthouse ceremony means as much to them as just putting on the ring and saying I'm married now.</strong>
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

So why did you have a courthouse ceremony at all?? And who, if anyone, did you tell about it?

Please, indulge me, I am dying to hear the rationale behind that.

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:1e07bb9f-31a9-43f4-a3b8-39b369edc863">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : It's NOT fake because we are NOT married in the eyes of the church, and that is all they care about. <strong>A courthouse ceremony means as much to them as just putting on the ring and saying I'm married now.</strong>
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

Sorry, but what it means to them isn't what defines you as "married" or "not married." If you've gone through any wedding ceremony, whether or not they or the Church recognizes it as valid, it is valid for social and etiquette purposes regardless of what it means to you. You don't get a second "wedding" - let alone a registry.

bridalmarch · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:1e07bb9f-31a9-43f4-a3b8-39b369edc863">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : It's NOT fake because we are NOT married in the eyes of the church, and that is all they care about. A courthouse ceremony means as much to them as just putting on the ring and saying I'm married now.
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

<div>Then why did you do the courthouse wedding? You said it was so they couldn't look at poor knocked up you and say you weren't married. </div>

strlzfan11 · January 2013

Can someone who is Catholic (and not the OP) verify whether or not a convalidation is the same as a Catholic wedding? I'm not a Catholic by faith, but I'm pretty sure they're not the same, and if OP's family is very strict in their faith the're going to recognize that it's not an actual wedding ceremony.

rsanna · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:1e07bb9f-31a9-43f4-a3b8-39b369edc863">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : It's NOT fake because we are NOT married in the eyes of the church, and that is all they care about. A courthouse ceremony means as much to them as just putting on the ring and saying I'm married now.
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

<div>I get that. But you are married. It is through no one else's actions but your own that you aren't married in the eyes of the church. This is what PPs are saying. Why even have the courthouse ceremony? What was the point of it, since according to your faith you aren't actually married? </div><div>
</div><div>Have a small, low key convalidation ceremony and throw a big party the day of the wedding. But just because your faith doesn't recognize the marriage doesn't mean you are actually married. Sorry, but that isn't the way the world works. </div>

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

The courthouse wedding was for us. I don't see how that is hard to understand. Sometimes BC fails and it can be pretty embarassing for someone with certain beliefs. It made me feel a little less like I had ruined my faith.

lauralaur · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:b5d9191f-c95a-4908-b3c0-4aee05604904">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : This - even if you didn't want to come out and tell everyone about the pregnancy I don't understand why you felt the need to go through with a courthouse ceremony two months before your scheduled wedding. Especially because you were already pregnant at that time so what difference does it make?? Still thinking MUD....this is too much.
Posted by beardo1111[/QUOTE]

Maybe we missed the announcement where the state now allows a couple to retro-date their marriage.

OP I'm begging you, be honest with your family! Also, I know you will eat the cost of the deposits, but unless your vendors are paid in full already cancelling would provide you with money to put towards your baby.

And I realized I never said congratulations on the pregnancy!

J&K10910 · January 2013

What are your certain beliefs that make it not ok to get pregnant prior to being married, but are good with premarital sex and BC?

I don't find you to be very good at logic.

bridalmarch · January 2013

Here is the best honest advice I can give you, because I have to go make the corsages for my real Catholic wedding, which will feature my adorable daughter who was born to unmarried parents.

That baby is going to be the best thing that's ever happened to you. You made a child with someone you love, and the immediate and overwhelming love you have for that child is going to carry you through sleepless nights, gross stretch marks, being vomited on, crayon on the walls, and tantrums at the supermarket. Being born into a marriage or out of one doesn't change a damn thing about that. Having the support of your parents doesn't change that. You are about to start a family. Don't start it on a lie. Do you want to explain to your child one day that you were ashamed of him or her?

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:6dd9f2c1-27bf-40ef-9c0a-ad1b1aa0b3ae">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]The courthouse wedding was for us. I don't see how that is hard to understand. Sometimes BC fails and it can be pretty embarassing for someone with certain beliefs. It made me feel a little less like I had ruined my faith.
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

Well, by not abstaining until you were married in the Church, you DID "ruin your faith."

I think you would best serve yourself by losing your defensiveness. You made decisions, now you have to live with the consequences, one of which is that you are married and are no longer entitled to a "wedding" or any of the accoutrements-gifts, registries, big white gown, etc. You don't get to rewrite the rules because you don't think you're "married" without them.

strlzfan11 · January 2013

So if your faith was so important to you, why did you have sex in the first place? Doesn't he Catholic church frown upon the use of birth control?

beardo1111 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:6dd9f2c1-27bf-40ef-9c0a-ad1b1aa0b3ae">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]The courthouse wedding was for us. I don't see how that is hard to understand. Sometimes BC fails and it can be pretty embarassing for someone with certain beliefs. It made me feel a little less like I had ruined my faith.
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

Being an adult means you make your own decisions and take responsibility for them. You made the decision to have sex and you got pregnant. You're right, it happens. Having a quickie secret courthouse wedding after the fact and then lying to your friends and family about it just makes two happy scenarios (a wedding and a pregnancy) seems devious and shady.

In general, honesty is never the wrong policy. And don't expect your nearest and dearest to thank you for that great wedding that they gave you gifts for once they realized you deceived them.

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

I love how you all seem to think it's okay to stereotype me and my family based on religious beliefs. Now you all know what will make them mad and what won't? Right. OK.

J&K10910 · January 2013

It's a pretty good rule of thumb that being lied to makes most people angry.

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:86cbee5a-ec85-47b7-af9f-7e3698f6767d">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : Being an adult means you make your own decisions and take responsibility for them. You made the decision to have sex and you got pregnant. You're right, it happens. Having a quickie secret courthouse wedding after the fact and then lying to your friends and family about it just makes two happy scenarios (a wedding and a pregnancy) seems devious and shady. In general, honesty is never the wrong policy. And don't expect your nearest and dearest to thank you for that great wedding that they gave you gifts for once they realized you deceived them.
Posted by beardo1111[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, I'm sure they'll be really mad that they enjoyed a great evening with friends and family complete with a delicious dinner and fun music and dancing, and the gifts they gave us went towards our beautiful child and happy home.</div>

rajahmd · January 2013

I don't see anyone stereotyping you based on religion. People are predicting responses based on common sense and logic. Wouldn't you get upset if someone lied to you about getting married and/or being pregnant? It's fairly logical and has nothing to do with your family's religion.

strlzfan11 · January 2013

We can only give you advice with the information you've given us, and everything you've told us indicates that your family & friends will be angry and hurt.

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