Is it okay to mandate for guests to attend the church ceremony?

lilcherub44 · October 2010

I am a strong believer in the sacredness of the wedding church ceremony. Is there any way that a guest's presence is mandated at the church ceromony, as opposed allowing them to skipping the church and only going to the reception?

Beachy730 · October 2010

No.

JerseyML · October 2010

My family has always believed that the ceremony is for the closest friends and family but everyone is invited to attend if they want. No one is left out and if they can't make the mass, we will see them at the reception that night.

MeaghanandMichael · October 2010

Your poll is too limited. I did not pick an answer.

I also am a believer in the ceremony, but guess what? Your guests might not be. Really? Who are you to mandate what you believe on to other people, especially people you presumably care about as your friends and family.

To be fair, I think it is rude not to show up to the ceremony because for me that is the actual marraige, not the reception. But, you sound like a really judgemental person and that makes me wonder if the judgement you pass makes people not show up in general.

MeaghanandMichael · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_okay-mandate-guests-attend-church-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:808a2188-dd59-4121-935c-9a64e85f82b4Post:406532c9-3921-4abb-80b2-768e7a7456e7">Re: Is it okay to mandate for guests to attend the church ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]My family has always believed that the ceremony is for the closest friends and family but everyone is invited to attend if they want. No one is left out and<strong> if they can't make the mass, we will see them at the reception that night. </strong>
Posted by JerseyML[/QUOTE]

Exactly. I can't imagine seeing a wedding guest and telling them their values are skewed and they need to leave.

nda_roxybabe · October 2010

I didn't pick an answer because as M&M said, its too limited.

Beachy730 · October 2010

What you could do is make a sign in sheet at the ceremony, and then hire a bouncer for the reception to use the ceremony sign in sheet as an approved guest list. If they aren't on the list, they can't get in.

On a serious note...
No, you cannot dictate that people must come to the ceremony. Sometimes people have other obligations and cannot make it to the ceremony. Sometimes people just choose not to attend that part. You have no control over it either way. And unless you plan on scanning every pew as you walk up the aisle you will have no idea who is there and who isn't. I still don't know who didn't come to our ceremony. I only know who was there if they mentioned something about it, or if I saw them in pictures. Our wedding was amazing either way.

MeaghanandMichael · October 2010

In Response to Re: Is it okay to mandate for guests to attend the church ceremony?:
[QUOTE]What you could do is make a sign in sheet at the ceremony, and then hire a bouncer for the reception to use the ceremony sign in sheet as an approved guest list. If they aren't on the list, they can't get in. On a serious note... No, you cannot dictate that people must come to the ceremony. Sometimes people have other obligations and cannot make it to the ceremony. Sometimes people just choose not to attend that part. You have no control over it either way. And unless you plan on scanning every pew as you walk up the aisle you will have no idea who is there and who isn't. I still don't know who didn't come to our ceremony. I only know who was there if they mentioned something about it, or if I saw them in pictures. Our wedding was amazing either way.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

and they need to be able to recite the exact scripture passage read at the wedding!!11!!!

Beachy730 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_okay-mandate-guests-attend-church-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:808a2188-dd59-4121-935c-9a64e85f82b4Post:8e4ba25c-f177-4bd8-8e12-a779f92e8557">Re: Is it okay to mandate for guests to attend the church ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]and they need to be able to recite the exact scripture passage read at the wedding!!11!!!
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

Word for word, including any errors that the reader made.

ElleestJenn · October 2010

As the other's have already said no. If I was invited to a wedding and what mandated to go the church ceremony I would be forced to decline to the whole thing even if it was a close friend or family. I'm uncomfortable with churches in general (its a long story) but I'm willing to go as long as its on my own accord for a wedding or funeral of a family member or friend. Otherwise, as I said, I would be forced to say no if it was mandated. Just my feelings on it.

kimp67 · October 2010

I would def say no. A lot of our friends will be at work during our ceremony. We would certainly miss them if they couldn't make it to the reception!

banana468 · October 2010

It's rude to skip the ceremony but it's equally rude to mandate anything to your guests.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2010

No. It's an invitation, not a subpoena.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

Sorry, don't think so. You can't control what people do no matter how hard you may try.

squirrly · October 2010

You can't mandate that any other adult do anything, unless you just happen to be a prison guard.

It'd be nice if they wanted to go to the ceremony, but you can't make them. Focus on the groom. You'll be a lot happier.

andy71781 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_okay-mandate-guests-attend-church-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:808a2188-dd59-4121-935c-9a64e85f82b4Post:aab3590e-b01f-4ef6-a887-332ef30468d6">Re: Is it okay to mandate for guests to attend the church ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]No. It's an invitation, not a subpoena.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

Ftw.

marissa_claire · October 2010

No. Some people just won't want to share your beliefs, but more importantly, half the time people make it to one or the other is because they have stuff going on. We've missed part or left the reception early for one reason or another, so you really can't say "Block off an 8-hour chunk and put all else aside!"

shoegal715 · October 2010

Lol, what the hell.

I'm sorry, but I can't imagine anyone telling anyone else that they MUST attend their wedding ceremony.

What are you going to do? Attempt to get a court order? Hire a security guard at the reception door?

uhldansereau · October 2010

I also wish there was a tactful way to inform people that they are invited to the WEDDING ITSELF and that takes place at the church. The reception following is lunch for those who came to the wedding.

My fiance and I have totaly joked about quizzing on the homily or the scripture lol!

But unfortunately there does not seem to be a tactful way of informing people of this. If they skip the wedding and just come to the after-party (that's all the reception is for us) they are just rude.

Birdie1483 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_okay-mandate-guests-attend-church-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:808a2188-dd59-4121-935c-9a64e85f82b4Post:846c996a-cfe8-4dbb-aeab-7b3bd4436d9f">Re: Is it okay to mandate for guests to attend the church ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I also wish there was a tactful way to inform people that they are invited to the WEDDING ITSELF and that takes place at the church.</strong> The reception following is lunch for those who came to the wedding. My fiance and I have totaly joked about quizzing on the homily or the scripture lol! But unfortunately there does not seem to be a tactful way of informing people of this. If they skip the wedding and just come to the after-party (that's all the reception is for us) they are just rude.
Posted by uhldansereau[/QUOTE]

There is, and it's called an invitation.

lyndausvi · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_okay-mandate-guests-attend-church-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:808a2188-dd59-4121-935c-9a64e85f82b4Post:846c996a-cfe8-4dbb-aeab-7b3bd4436d9f">Re: Is it okay to mandate for guests to attend the church ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]I also wish there was a tactful way to inform people that they are invited to the WEDDING ITSELF and that takes place at the church. The reception following is lunch for those who came to the wedding. My fiance and I have totaly joked about quizzing on the homily or the scripture lol! But unfortunately there does not seem to be a tactful way of informing people of this. If they skip the wedding and just come to the after-party (that's all the reception is for us) they are just rude.
Posted by uhldansereau[/QUOTE]

At least in my circle people miss the ceremony not because they don't want to attend, it's because they have other things going on. A wedding takes up a lot of time and sometimes you have to miss part of the wedding due to other obligations.
They should not be penalized because they had to work or something, making them miss the ceremony.

emilyinchile · October 2010

YOU are a strong believer in the sacredness of the ceremony. Surely not all your friends and family share all your beliefs, so it shouldn't shock you that some people won't share this one. I personally agree with you, but trust me - you won't even know if someone misses your ceremony, so it won't bother you.

MrsMack10612 · October 2010

I'm new-ish around here - and post occasionally - but mostly lurk.

I don't think I'd ever heard of NOT going to a ceremony and ONLY going to the reception until I came on TK.

Isn't a wedding all about the ceremony, not the party? I understand that not everyone will share your beliefs - but I'm also a firm believer that the people you invite are generally the people you want to share the day with - I think it's appropriate to suck it up for an hour or so and go to the ceremony; particularly if it is a non-religious ceremony.

Admittedly, my FI & I missed a ceremony once - but that was because we got lost and stuck in traffic.

TheCranberry · October 2010

Is it common with your friends/family to skip the ceremony? I chose the second answer because I want all of my guests to attend the ceremony, but I'm not going to "mandate" it even if there was a way to do this. Yes, I would be disappointed if half my guests only attended the reception, but I wouldn't let it ruin my day. I didn't know that skipping the ceremony (other than for scheduling reasons or last minute issues) was common either.

DavidandAmyClark · October 2010

How are you even going to know? Are you taking attendance?

And while I appreciate why you want to make sure people want to come to your ceremony its never okay to try to force an adult to do anything of the sort. As someone who doesn't intentionally ditch ceremonies I would be really offended and probably just skip the whole thing.

Manwaithiel · October 2010

I think it's beyond rude to skip the ceremony and just show up for the party unless you really can't be at the ceremony. There's a big difference between deciding you just don't want to go, but want to party and see the family at my expense and having car trouble or something and making it just in time for the reception.

I also think it's beyond rude to mandate things to your guests. They probably already KNOW that it's bad form to show up only to the reception. Or they might be under the impression that that's alright, in which case judge or pity them as you will. But if you try and put some sort of ultimatum in your invitations you will come off as the bad person, not the people who don't show up.

zitiqueen · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_okay-mandate-guests-attend-church-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:808a2188-dd59-4121-935c-9a64e85f82b4Post:846c996a-cfe8-4dbb-aeab-7b3bd4436d9f">Re: Is it okay to mandate for guests to attend the church ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]I also wish there was a tactful way to inform people that they are invited to the WEDDING ITSELF and that takes place at the church. The reception following is lunch for those who came to the wedding. My fiance and I have totaly joked about quizzing on the homily or the scripture lol! But unfortunately there does not seem to be a tactful way of informing people of this. If they skip the wedding and just come to the after-party (that's all the reception is for us) they are just rude.
Posted by uhldansereau[/QUOTE]

But you'll still accept their gift, won't you?

tenofcups4me · October 2010

Of course you can't mandate it. But you can encourage people to come by making it convenient for them. In other words:

1. have it at a time of day that most people aren't working (ie., NOT a Friday afternoon)
2. have your reception IMMEDIATELY after the ceremony (no gaps that leave people with nothing to do)
3. have the reception either in the same building as the ceremony or close by so people don't have to drive all over the city

Do those things and your guests will come to the ceremony. Don't...and you're taking your chances. (And as a previous poster noted, I never heard of not attending a ceremony till I got to these boards...but it seems to me the people who complain about guests not attending have weddings that don't do one or all of the above.)

fyrefairie · October 2010

Who the heck are you to mandate anyone to do anything? My God, do you really want witnesses at your ceremony that are their under duress. If the ritual is so sacred to you, I would think you would not want people there who did not value it they way you do, maybe some non religious folks choose to stay away from church ceremonies out of respect...
People who skip the ceremony and come to the reception do so for a number of reasons, if these are loved ones who you care enough to invite in the first place i would think that you would be happy to have them for however long they are able to come...FIs a firefighter and has one coworker who has to work and is sending his wife as a proxy and another who's wife has a fundraiser that night so he is coming for the ceremony and cocktail hour and leaving, but if the timing were such that he could only coming to the reception we would still be pleased to have hin, frankly we are just touched that he is going out of his way to come seeing as his wife's event is an hours drive away and he could have easily declined.

Pirata13 · October 2010

No, not at all. And people may not be able to make the ceremony due to other situations than just not being into the sacredness of the ceremony. And honestly, I think MOST people will come to the ceremony even if they are not of the same faith or hold the same beliefs. We had almost full attendance at the ceremony, even though it was a 90 degree day in an unairconditioned church and not all our guests were Catholic. Everyone said what a beautiful ceremony it was. Just be happy about the people who are there and don't judge the handful of people who may not make the ceremony.

My one cousin who I am very close to had a VERY small ceremony. As in bridal party and parents. I was not invited to the ceremony (could open a can of worms if only I had been invited). Didn't make one bit of difference in my decision to attend the reception and read an Irish blessing for them in place of the dinner prayer.

The same cousin tore ligaments in her knee the week before the wedding and was still on crutches and unable to drive. Her plan had been to come to the church alone, then go back home and get her husband & stepdaughter once the babysitter arrived for her young children, but since she couldn't drive and the sitter couldn't come til later, she sadly had to miss the ceremony. Did it make me less happy to see them at the reception? NOPE.

Relax about it and enjoy your day. When you walk down that aisle and see your FI waiting for you, nothing else will matter. Seriously.

LD1970 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_okay-mandate-guests-attend-church-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:808a2188-dd59-4121-935c-9a64e85f82b4Post:86d7a036-c7ca-4446-8ff8-a36d57dad87f">Re: Is it okay to mandate for guests to attend the church ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your poll is too limited. I did not pick an answer. I also am a believer in the ceremony, but guess what? Your guests might not be. Really? Who are you to mandate what you believe on to other people, especially people you presumably care about as your friends and family. To be fair, I think it is rude not to show up to the ceremony because for me that is the actual marraige, not the reception. But, you sound like a really judgemental person and that makes me wonder if the judgement you pass makes people not show up in general.
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]
I ditto this. I couldn't answer for the same reason. Yes, I'd LIKE my guests to come to both. Yes, I always go to both assuming it's not a DW with an AHR. But no, you can't dictate and it's pretty damned obnoxious to try.

Is it okay to mandate for guests to attend the church ceremony?

Re: Is it okay to mandate for guests to attend the church ceremony?

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