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My mom decided she doesn't want to come to my wedding

TikamiTikami
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in Moms and Maids
I'm getting married in April in Florida, but both of us and our families are from Wisconsin.

We chose Florida because my mom's dad is from there and we knew he wouldn't be able to travel, so we took our wedding to him. It turns out that after we went though all the planning and trouble of having it there that he still doesn't want to come. I guess he and my mom are a lot alike.

Since we chose Florida, my mom has been trying to give me reasons why I DON'T want to get married in Florida. First it was the oil spill, then it was spring breakers, then it was weather, then it as who knows what. I finally had to tell her that the wedding was in Florida because it is what my fiance and I wanted, and if she had that much of a problem going there, that she didn't have to come.

She insisted she would be there, started a bunch of benevolent preaching that she wouldn't miss her daughter's wedding.

My sister got married a few years back in Charleston, which from where we live up north, is only a few hours longer of a drive (and she was planning to fly anyway, so really the time would have be negatable).

Well my mom was kind enough to inform me over the weekend that she just "can't" come to my wedding. We've been engaged for over a year now. I think part of it is that my dad and stepmom will be there, and she can't act like an adult for one day and deal with it. They had a bad divorce, but my mom is the one who wanted to get divorced, not my dad! 

I guess I'm just trying not to be too upset, but it's rough since she's my mom,. Has anyone else had parental trouble like this?
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Re: My mom decided she doesn't want to come to my wedding

  • rknox88rknox88
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am not in a similar situation right now but I understand your issue about divorced parents. My parents are divorced and for the longest time refused to go to any of the same things together. When I was graduating from college they essentially made me pick which one I wanted there more because they weren't going if the other was there. I ended up not inviting either of them since they couldn't grow up enough to sit in an auditorium with thousands of other people-one of whom they used to be married to. They both ended up coming and took me out to lunch after and have been very friendly ever since. It has been a blessing.

    Basically, your mom is stuck in child-mode and hopefully someday something will shake her loose. But until then I would just respect her decision not to come. She will realize he mistake. Hopefulyl sooner rather than later.
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  • McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
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    edited December 2011
    That is a sad situation, and I feel for you. She reminds me a bit of my own mother, who definitely had her share of drama queen divorcee moments. I love her, of course, but it could be exhausting. Once when I was in high school, she didn't speak to me for a month because I bought my stepmother a Christmas gift. It was pretty awkward being a kid and living in a house where your own mom isn't speaking to you!

    Eventually, she grew up and stopped acting like that. I would let her know that you really wish she would be there, and then you'll just have to let it go. It is her loss that she is not participating, and she is the one who will regret it later.
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  • jaimerae727jaimerae727
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    edited December 2011
    What the poster above me said... I know it's hard as my mother won't be attending my wedding and hasnt spoken to me in 2 years for reasons that are hers alone. Reiterate to her that you'd love for her to be there and sadly it's left to her to decide what to do with that. I wish you well with warmest regards...
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  • ChrislovesBarryChrislovesBarry member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Of course it's rough not to have your mom there.  You want to share this time with all your family and friends.

    My FI's mom will be unable to come to our wedding for health reasons.  But his sister isn't coming for stupid reasons.  It's said to me that she won't be there and she's missing out on it.

    Those people who love you and would sacrifice the world for you..they'll be there.  And the only one you NEED to be there, is your honey!
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  • KnibletKniblet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My father didn't come to may wedding.  And I know he will regret it for the rest of his life.  And that's on him.  I invited and he couldn't even RSVP a NO.  Just didn't come.  No call, no email, nothing.

    If your mom does that, she will never forgive herself. 
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-decided-she-doesnt-want-come-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d1ab2e6c-3eed-4a32-9306-15ccf2e77c12Post:28933eb7-5dc9-44d7-bc98-a475470b6102">Re: My mom decided she doesn't want to come to my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]My father didn't come to may wedding.  And I know he will regret it for the rest of his life.  And that's on him.  I invited and he couldn't even RSVP a NO.  Just didn't come.  No call, no email, nothing. If your mom does that, she will never forgive herself. 
    Posted by Kniblet[/QUOTE]

    <div>I couldn't agree more. It's really her loss if she can't bite the bullet for one day.</div>
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  • KnibletKniblet member
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    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My mom decided she doesn't want to come to my wedding : I couldn't agree more. It's really her loss if she can't bite the bullet for one day.
    Posted by SSaltzman87[/QUOTE]
    Yup.  My father has too many issues about my stepfather, who has been in my life for 30 years.  My stepfather was a much better father figure and my dad hates that.  But he chose to act like a child and not show.  But I didn't let it bother me, not one minute.  I didn't even think about it until AFTER.

    His loss.
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  • TikamiTikami
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks guys. It helped to know that I'm not the only one trying to deal with this. Of course I know I'm not, but sometimes it's easy to forget that when you're facing a problem!

    It's also nice to get the opinion of other brides, because my FI despises my mother (she was never a very good motherly figure, was always cutting me down etc). He doesn't really understand where I'm coming from because his family is great, very supportive, and have always been there for him.

    Thanks again, everyone, reading your responses really made me feel a lot better. :)
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  • fe208fe208 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry to hear that, my grandmother is giving me the same run around. My parents offered to rent an rv to drive her there and shes just being so difficult! >.<
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  • bdrileybdriley
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My grandmother and aunt said they were planning on coming to my wedding for 5 months but RSVPed NO 2 weeks before the wedding.  None of my extended family came to my wedding.  NONE.  16 of 20 of my husband's aunts and uncles made it though.  The most irritating bit was that all of his side had to fly from across the country whereas my relatives only had a 2 hour drive to make.
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  • doeie04doeie04 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry to hear that. My FSIL's parents weren't going to come to the wedding because she was not marrying a Jewish man. They ended up coming at the last minute. But I know it hurt her feelings, and you can't ever take that back.
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  • stephdonjonstephdonjon
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    edited December 2011
    It's unfortunate that your mom may not be there, but like others have said, it's something she'll regret the rest of her life. Try not to let it put a blemish on the occassion, and definitely don't feel like you haven't done enough to make it possible for her to attend. 

    I have a grandmother who is apparently being obstinate about our wedding. Admittedly, it's a bit of a trip for everyone to make, but everyone seems to be willing. She's yet to tell me in person she won't attend, but my mother keeps saying my grandmother has been saying she won't come. My mother says my father (its his mother) is pretty upset with her, but you know, it really won't make a difference to me. It'll be sad if I can't have her there to support me (for whatever her reason is) but I choose not to let it put a damper on anything. 
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  • ItalianViolinistItalianViolinist member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Even though in this particular moment, your mom has decided not to come to your wedding, it is apparent to me from your post that she loves you. I really think she'll change her mind and come. My mom is a bit like yours. My parents are not divorced, but my dad has grown children from his first marriage, and my mom feels extremely uncomfortable around them, to the point that she has a very difficult time being in the same town as they are, let alone the same room. She just pulls herself together and does her best even though she is in an excruciating situation. I truly hope your mom comes around. Like PPs said, she would certainly regret it for the rest of her life.
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