Wedding Woes

Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding - Help?!

I'm a newbie on here, though I've poked around the boards for a while. I have a huge dilemma, and I'm not sure what to do. Apologies in advance for a long post.

FI and I got engaged in March and were planning a wedding for this November. We had so many problems along the way (budget, venue cancelled our date on us, family troubles, the list goes on) that we decided to postpone the wedding until after we bought a house. The idea being we could have the wedding in our own backyard. I don't want a big wedding - maybe around 50 people, and just a casual and fun backyard BBQ type thing. However, because of the crazy stress and family freak-outs etc, now my fiance wants to elope. I totally understand his reasoning, but I've never wanted to elope and I want the people we care about there for our big day. 

The issues:
1. Budget - he doesn't believe we can do it on a budget, though I (maybe naively) think we can. 
2. He hates being the center of attention and has a lot of anxiety about it. 
3. Family - A huge issue is that my family wasn't the most welcoming to him when we first started dating (long story though theyve since come around) and he is still bitter about it. There is also some animosity between him and one of my siblings. Most of our families are from out of state, and he doesn't think a lot of them will come. 

I still really want a wedding... is that dumb? I am pretty sure everyone will play nice for the big day. He's not budging though, and we are at a complete impass. Anytime we try to bring it up, we end up arguing. I really want to marry him...should I just give in and elope?

Re: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding - Help?!

  • No.  I think the two of you should put the thing on hold until you come to some agreement that both of you are happy with.  There's no hurry, right?
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  • wait it out like PP said. There is no rush and you can save more $$ and also time to work out a better relationship with family members.
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  • The ability to compromise is a huge asset in a relationship.  It sounds like you guys aren't very good at it.

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  • You guys need to come to a middle ground. What ever that maybe. Could be cutting the guest list even more or it could be eloping but making up for it with a major honey moon. Whatever it is do not bother getting married until you both agree on SOMETHING.
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  • elope and then have a nice reception party!
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  • lovemedo348lovemedo348 member
    First Comment
    edited November 2012
    Thanks guys. Well, there's technically no hurry except that we do want to have kids in the next couple years before we hit 30. Also, we've been together and living together for so long that it just seems like we're in some weird limbo until we actually tie the knot. 

    A big factor is that all of his family and most of mine live out of state and it seems like a lot to ask them all to get here - some of the people we want there most can't afford to travel. A lot of the family is spread across the country, so there's really not any location better than another without a significant number of people having to travel. 

    MNNEBridewe are actually great at compromising. It was family that started complicating things. We tried shaving down the guest list to just his parents and 2 grandmothers and my mom, stepdad, dad and stepmom and our 4 attendants at one point, only to have FMIL throw a hissy fit that he wasn't inviting his 2 siblings. So we added in siblings (I have 4 PLUS their spouses) only to have my sister freak out that her kids couldn't come (I have 6 neices and nephews total) - so you can see where this all is leading. After all this, the venue accidentally double-booked our date so we had to switch to Sunday, and FMIL flipped out again because his siblings are in college and 'they CAN'T miss class to fly back Monday!' Before we decided to postpone the date, we thought about having ONLY our attendants for the ceremony and then going back to NC where a large part of our family is and having a big party afterwards, but we couldn't make the trip until months later and it just seemed weird. So we postponed thinking we'd buy a house and have it in the backyard. Now all the fun has been sucked out of planning, but the little girl inside me still wants the whole shebang.

    PHEW. So. I feel like I'm trying to make people happy who are going to complain about one thing or another. It feels like it stopped being about us the moment we started telling people our plans.

     I guess my question is... is a wedding reeeaaallly worth all of this? Thoughts?

    Thanks again.
  • My family has been very difficult to deal with during the whole process. It seems impossible to make anyone happy. However, I had to come to the conclusion that it was about making myself and my FI happy. My FI mostly just wanted me to have the day I wanted and that would make me happy. However, at this point it has been a LOT of hassle and the money has been a great deal more than I ever expected, (my mom has spent around 9,000 so far and my in-laws have spent around 1,000 and we still aren't done).
    If we weren't so close I think I would just elope and do a large reception and save the money on everything else! Also, if you do something intimate it will literally be about just the two of you and your family should really enjoy a party!

    Good luck and remember to do whatever makes the two of you happy and to find a happy middle for you two! Vow renewals and such are always a good way to get the wedding you always wanted in a couple of years.
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