No gift?

myother1 · July 2010

This is a little similar to the "Lost gift?" thread below, but I didn't want to hijack anything.

My wedding was a little over three weeks ago, and I have yet to receive a single gift (or card) from any of my three cousins (only family I have on my father's side). They are all older, well-established, with families of their own. They and their families came to all of my wedding events: bridesmaid's tea, rehearsal dinner, and wedding/reception. Two of the three individually asked me what I wanted, and, because I was uncomfortable assigning a price, I tried to politely defer to their own judgement.

I'm surprised that I haven't received anything from any of them, and I'm a little hurt. We gave them gifts for their weddings, the births of their children, and countless other life events. My mom wants to call them, but I keep telling her to wait.

WWYD? Allow mom to ask? She's devised a plan to ask about a fictitious gift that came with no card - putting them in the position to either say "No, we got her <insert gift here />," or "Actually, we didn't give a gift."

mandysmear · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0dc2f817-74d7-488a-b96c-a0dcf087635cPost:60090fe8-095b-4592-90e6-2eb1689d5e50">No gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a little similar to the "Lost gift?" thread below, but I didn't want to hijack anything. My wedding was a little over three weeks ago, and I have yet to receive a single gift (or card) from any of my three cousins (only family I have on my father's side). They are all older, well-established, with families of their own. They and their families came to all of my wedding events: bridesmaid's tea, rehearsal dinner, and wedding/reception. Two of the three individually asked me what I wanted, and, because I was uncomfortable assigning a price, I tried to politely defer to their own judgement. I'm surprised that I haven't received anything from any of them, and I'm a little hurt. We gave them gifts for their weddings, the births of their children, and countless other life events. My mom wants to call them, but I keep telling her to wait. WWYD? Allow mom to ask? She's devised a plan to ask about a fictitious gift that came with no card - putting them in the position to either say "No, we got her <insert gift here />," or "Actually, we didn't give a gift."
Posted by myother1[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't say anything. I had lots of people ask for my address to mail a gift. I got married January of 2009! People procrastinate, forget. You may or may not get the gift.

Etiquette says you have year to send a wedding gift. Give it time.

angie74 · July 2010

I had some family members not give us cards or gifts. I didn't let it bother me- they traveled to the wedding, celebrated with us, and we all had a lot of fun. that's all I needed.

waltzingmatilda13 · July 2010

Just them all a TY note for coming to wedding and how nice it was to see them. Same situation as below, if they got a gift they'll probably call and mention it. Otherwise maybe their money situation changed and they couldn't get a gift or it's coming later. Don't call ask, because that's rude.

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

I'd probably send a thank you card for their attending the wedding. Your not mentioning their gracious gift may clue them in to you never received anything. Perhaps this was on purpose or their gift got lost. Obviously, they aren't obligated to give you a gift, though.

EDIT: I'm pretty sure I wrote this in horrible english. My apologies.

abbalish · July 2010

We had several people not give gifts - some trickled in after the wedding, and some didn't. I wouldn't say anything. While most people do give gifts, they don't "owe" you anything, and the chances that something got lost in the mail are pretty low.

But, I would not listen to the PPs that are saying to send a TY note for coming to the wedding. That's what the reception is - to thank the guests. If I received a TY note and hadn't given a gift, I'd actually interpret it as passive aggressive.

cengle · July 2010

I wouldn't say anything. They may send you something later, or they may not. There's not a lot you can do about it if they don't send a gift.
I wouldn't send a TY note though. If they send you a gift later, then you can send a TY.

myother1 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0dc2f817-74d7-488a-b96c-a0dcf087635cPost:6ec9f49d-dc55-416a-af6a-79653485ce16">Re: No gift?</a>:
[QUOTE] If I received a TY note and hadn't given a gift, I'd actually interpret it as passive aggressive.
Posted by abbalish[/QUOTE]

Haha! If I DID send a thank you note, it definitely WOULD be passive-aggressive. I'll refrain.

The old "you have a year" thing is a myth, btw. Click <a href="http://www.emilypost.com/guests">here</a>, see #3: no mention of sending gifts AFTER a wedding.

jessicarabbit501 · July 2010

no one is obligated to give you a gift so id just let it go.

cengle · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0dc2f817-74d7-488a-b96c-a0dcf087635cPost:0447ef9c-e311-46dc-b88c-b6ef897e2508">Re: No gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No gift? : Haha! If I DID send a thank you note, it definitely WOULD be passive-aggressive. I'll refrain. The old "you have a year" thing is a myth, btw. Click here , see #3: no mention of sending gifts AFTER a wedding.
Posted by myother1[/QUOTE]

That doesn't mean they won't send a gift, though. I just got a gift a few weeks ago, and I got married in December. We regularly got gifts in the mail for about a month or 2 after the wedding. Most people still follow the 1 year rule, so they may think they have plenty of time to send a gift.

Sing2phins · July 2010

You most definitely SHOULD send thank you notes to people who attended your wedding, even if they didn't bring a gift. It's no skin off your back, and it's the polite, gracious thing to do.

myother1 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0dc2f817-74d7-488a-b96c-a0dcf087635cPost:85021a9b-ad6c-4b3e-81e8-21d437514b84">Re: No gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]You most definitely SHOULD send thank you notes to people who attended your wedding, even if they didn't bring a gift. It's no skin off your back, and it's the polite, gracious thing to do.
Posted by Sing2phins[/QUOTE]

This is 100% not accurate. You do not write thank you notes for everyone who attending the wedding -- as a PP said, the reception is your general thank you. Gifts and special kindnesses are acknowledged with thank you notes.

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0dc2f817-74d7-488a-b96c-a0dcf087635cPost:6ec9f49d-dc55-416a-af6a-79653485ce16">Re: No gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]We had several people not give gifts - some trickled in after the wedding, and some didn't. I wouldn't say anything. While most people do give gifts, they don't "owe" you anything, and the chances that something got lost in the mail are pretty low. But, I would not listen to the PPs that are saying to send a TY note for coming to the wedding. That's what the reception is - to thank the guests. If I received a TY note and hadn't given a gift, I'd actually interpret it as passive aggressive.
Posted by abbalish[/QUOTE]

I see your point - I do! But, I'd probably still thank someone with a card for attending my wedding. I like to thank people. If someone saw it as passive aggressive, then so be it. I certainly wouldn't mean it that way.

danieliza1127 · July 2010

There were some people that came to our wedding but didn't give gifts. I never mentioned it. If they sent you something and don't get a thank you card, they'll probably check in with you to make sure you received it.

I also didn't send TY notes to people just for attending, since we thanked them in person.

abbalish · July 2010

Sing2phins, why? What are you thanking them for? The reception itself is a thank you to your guests, and furthermore I am guessing almost everyone goes to all the tables and thanks the guests for coming. We did, at any rate. That was the thank you for coming.

It's not like we're talking about someone who *did* something for you, like threw you a shower or a bachelorette party - that deserves a thank you note. Showing up to a wedding does not require a thank you note, and frankly, I think it would be silly to send one.

ohwhynot · July 2010

Hmmm. I understand what some of you are saying about not sending a thank you for attending, but honestly I am very grateful that people attended and I do plan on sending thank you for attending cards.

Esp. for people who travelled from out of town, incurred hotel expenses, etc. It was amazing to us that they were willing & happy to do all that for us! The buffet dinner and a night of dancing seems like paltry thanks - I really want to write a little note telling them how awesome it was to see them there.

andy71781 · July 2010

I am horrible about sending gifts on time. Three weeks out from the wedding I would not even be thinking about what you wanted. Honestly I prefer to get them a couple months after the wedding and ask the bride what she wanted off her registry but didn't get.

Have a little patience and wait on TY notes.

mandysmear · July 2010

We sent thank yous to every person with a photo. Not as a passive aggressive thing. (only two people didn't give gifts - and i didn't care. not one bit.. i did wish they would have given cards though. I LOVE cards) I figured I might as well send them one thank yous just because it was only two extras.

frogurt814 · July 2010

There were a few people at our wedding who did not give us gifts or even a card...including my MOH.

We, too, have given these people gifts for babies, weddings, etc. I don't really feel offended that they didn't give me a gift. I know people are not required to bring us gifts, and I certainly did not expect them to. I'm a little dissapointed they didn't at least give us a card, but oh well.

I know one of my friends that came to our wedding is in a tight financial situation, and she just gave us a card. I thought that was so sweet of her. I plan on saving all of our cards so we can look back at them someday.

myother1 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0dc2f817-74d7-488a-b96c-a0dcf087635cPost:a204edc4-76d6-496b-b638-02ec95381ce0">Re: No gift?</a>:
[QUOTE] I know one of my friends that came to our wedding is in a tight financial situation, and she just gave us a card. I thought that was so sweet of her. I plan on saving all of our cards so we can look back at them someday.
Posted by frogurt814[/QUOTE]

This was the case with my MOH, and I did not begrudge her at all. The card meant a lot.

I guess it was the complete disregard that hurt my feelings. You guys are right, though - I should give it time and continue to tell my mom to hold off.

PharmacyBride · July 2010

I am a worrier.. but if I didn't get a gift from someone I expected one from (ie. the aunt that still gives me Christmas & birthday money).. I would be concerned the gift was lost in transit or the card fell out of the card box.

If it was from someone I wasn't sure if they would have given me a gift or not (ie. cousin).. I would thank them for coming to my wedding with an actual TY card.

If I gave someone a gift.. and was only thanked for my attendance.. I would make sure the gift was received.

Maybe I say this because I am such a worry wart.. but I am actually worried someone will give me a gift that will get lost or stolen. How would I know to thank them?!?!

No gift?

Re: No gift?

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