Should I uninvite aunt who no called/no showed for my shower?

Re: Should I uninvite aunt who no called/no showed for my shower?

• 6fsn member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  THere are a million and one reasons she could have missed that she didn't want to talk about on facebook.  Give the woman a little slack and at least ask her about it.  She could very well have thought it better to stay home and avoid the tension on what should be a happy day for you. 
  
  Also, your BMs send e-vites.  Why is it wrong for your aunt to RSVP that way?  She didn't "no call/no show."  She responded in kind to the e-vite that she couldn't come.

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• Butter Cookie member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  I am going to try and respond without chewing you out.
  
  You want to possibly end a life-long relationship because she didn't respond in a satisfactory way to your shower? You do realize that if you uninvite her from your wedding that's exactly what you'll be doing. Ending a life-long relationship. She might be ashamed to know that something so small would cause you to react so big.
  
  Maybe she decided not to come to the shower because arguing with your mother, at your shower, was a possibility and not something she wanted to subject you to. Maybe she waited too long to get a flight. Maybe she didn't have the money. It's not for you to know.
  
  What you need to say is, "Aunt, I'm sorry you couldn't make it to the shower. We missed you! I hope you will be at the wedding, I love you."
  
  And leave it alone.
  
  
  

  

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• aredmond16

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  I completely agree with PP. I would never uninvite someone from my wedding because they didn't attend my shower. I'm not sure what the fight was about but there could be fresh wounds for both your mom and aunt and your aunt doesn't want it to ruin your day. No way would your mom miss your shower so maybe it is her way of allowing you to have a fun and stress free day.
  
  Try talking to her after the shower and let her know that you missed her and that maybe you can go out for tea or something just the two of you to make up for her absence. HTH

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• psichick

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  i'm going to be rude here...........you're being petty and selfish. it's a shower for fuucks sake. people have lives and things to do other than go to your party. you have no idea what happened or what's going through her mind. uninviting her to the wedding is what, a way to get her back? please just think about what you are actually saying here.

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• branz7

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  You must be stressed out with your wedding day so close at hand.  :-/ Don't worry, I'm sure your aunt will be coming to your wedding, the shower is not the important event.

  
  

  And you can't deny that even if you'd prefer she had phoned you, she did reply to the evite with a cute message; I mean, she could have clicked "no" and left it at that.

  
  

  If it's still bothering you, call her up when when you feel a little bit calmer, and tell her you're so bummed out you won't see her, esp. because the party is tea themed, etc., but you are so looking forward to her coming to the wedding.  Maybe she can come out a couple of days before to help you out with last minute things, or to help you unwind, if you both are as close as it seems.

  
  

  HTH Good luck girlie

  

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• DG1 member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  None of your poll responses have the right answer. 
  
  Leave it be and still invite her. 
  
  And I am cracking up at "not even a text! Not even a FB message!"  As if FB /> evite. 
  
  And she DID let the hosts know, through the exact RSVP mechanism they provided - evite. 
  
  Try to chillax. Maybe she'll come to your wedding. Maybe she won't.  But this is not your problem.  Worst case, she doesn't show and you paid an extra
  $100 for her dinner (which will be enjoyed by the people who show up but didn't RSVP or RSVP'd "no")
  
  

  
  

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• DG1 member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_should-uninvite-aunt-callno-show-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:debd40fc-674d-4301-afeb-307c8daaa49ePost:8eed19c5-2208-44e9-9286-ce62e09082ec">Should I uninvite aunt who no called/no showed for my shower?</a>:
  [QUOTE]So, as I'm writing this I'm feeling deflated from the last wave of wedding planning (May 15, 2010 is the big day). I just want some feedback from you all, maybe I can gain a different perspective to how I should handle this situation. My MOH and bridesmaids in L.A. are hosting a shower for me tomorrow (4/10/10) and about a month ago sent evites out to announce it. About a week ago, my mom and my aunt (her sister-in-law) had a disagreement over something that didn't involve me. My mom flew out to Vegas (where I live) and drove out with me to L.A. for my bridal shower. My mom mentioned that there might be a little tension between her and my aunt because of what happened, but that she was still supposed to be coming to my shower. So today as my bridal party and my mom are running around doing errands and I am doing the same, I ask my mom if she's heard from my aunt and she says no and she asks me if I had heard anything and I say no as well. So I check my email and it says I have an update on Evite. I check it and my aunt has posted that she "unfortunately cannot make it. have a great time. hugs and kisses" No phone call. No text. No email. Not even a message on Facebook. The part that gets me is that I could see if she called and said that the flights were not looking good (she used to work for the airlines and flies standby so it would be understandable) but she didn't even have the decency to CALL!! Not to mention that she didn't notify the hosts. Remind you, my shower is TOMORROW!! Also, I am an only child. She has always said to me that "you're my favorite niece, and it doesn't matter that you are my only niece" and on top of that she gave me my first tea set as a child and what is my shower themed - tea party. She's the only aunt I have so for her to do this, it hurt my spirit. But, I will say this - she didn't come to my high school graduation because she thought I was going to move in with her and my grandmother (to go to school in Indiana) and when I decided not to move, she decided not to see me graduate. I just felt that after this evening, and letting my anger subside that it may be best to tell her that I don't want her at my wedding. Because to me, you can't even pick up the phone to say you aren't coming to your only niece's bridal shower?! How small of someone. She's missed out on other important events in my life because of decisions she's made out of being selfish; I'd figure I'll make this decision for her and save myself the drama and the possible hurt at my wedding. What would you ladies do in a situation like this?
  Posted by choxie_77[/QUOTE]

  
  

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• Calumet

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  No. No. No. No. NO.

  
  

  What PP said. 

  
  

  For serious? You can't "un-invite" people, even when they do a LOT worse.

  
  

  I know you're stressed... I'm 3 weeks away myself... and hurt. But this is just silly. 

  Butter Cookie is BEYOND right. Keep re-reading her post until you understand. This is NOT worth throwing away your relationship with your aunt.

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• choxie_77

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  To psichick:
  
  Are you even having a shower? To make a comment like that you must not be. Also per your comment of "people have lives and things to do other than go to your party. you have no idea what happened." Who's to say that she may change her mind about coming to my wedding in the last hour? I don't think myself or any other bride would want that hanging over their head on their wedding day.
  
  And I can understand that yes, people may have other things to do. However, when it's a FAMILY MEMBER  who knew about the shower A MONTH BEFORE and had already RSVP'd that she would be there with bells and whitsles on, to not get in contact with me on a more personal level speaks volumes. That's what I'm getting at. And what if I hadn't checked the Evite that evening?
  

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• choxie_77

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  Another thing I would like to add to this (considering it was really late and I was tired while I was writing the origianl post on Friday) is that my aunt can be a very selfish person who, when she doesn't get her way, acts out like this. She's done it when men in her life, family members, friends. As of today (Sunday) I still haven't heard anything from her! I know I should be the bigger person and pick up the phone and call her, but history keeps repeating itself with her and her actions. She never thinks about the reaction. I've got a lot on my plate now, with the wedding, finances and I'm starting a new job in 2 weeks and my fiance STILL hasn't booked a photographer!! The absolute last thing I thought I'd be dealing with was having a conversation with my aunt about why she didn't come to my shower for being upset about something I had no involvement in.
  
  She apparently had words with my mom and dad about the fact that they were taking my mom's car back to their house and not letting her borrow it. She borrowed my mom's car for a month (because hers got repo'd) and she got a huge scratch on the car. She (my aunt) just thought they were going to let her borrow it indefinetly (without contributing to the car payments my parents are making on their car). So basically, she was forced to go and purchase a car now 2 months after her repo. That's what started the tension between her and my parents. Even her boyfriend whom she's living with and has 2 cars wouldn't let her borrow one of his!
  
  Now, if she didn;t have the money to come out, I would've totally understood. IT'S THE FACT THAT SHE DID NOT CALL to let me know reason x,y or z as to why she wasn't coming. That's what I'm pissed about.
  

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• psichick

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_should-uninvite-aunt-callno-show-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:debd40fc-674d-4301-afeb-307c8daaa49ePost:fb4702b9-0386-474f-9f4c-3db1e32ecc55">Re: Should I uninvite aunt who no called/no showed for my shower?</a>:
  [QUOTE]To psichick: Are you even having a shower? To make a comment like that you must not be. Also per your comment of "people have lives and things to do other than go to your party. you have no idea what happened." Who's to say that she may change her mind about coming to my wedding in the last hour? I don't think myself or any other bride would want that hanging over their head on their wedding day. And I can understand that yes, people may have other things to do. However, when it's a FAMILY MEMBER  who knew about the shower A MONTH BEFORE and had already RSVP'd that she would be there with bells and whitsles on, to not get in contact with me on a more personal level speaks volumes. That's what I'm getting at. And what if I hadn't checked the Evite that evening?
  Posted by choxie_77[/QUOTE]
  
  what difference does it make if i'm having a shower or not? i fail to see what that has to do with anything. yes i am, btw, but i'm not going to freak out if someone can't make it because they have a life outside of my wedding. if they can make it, i'd love to have them there. if not, well i'll see them another time or at the wedding. life goes on.
  
  it's still just a freaking party where people give you presents. it's not the wedding, it's not something that you're required to have or people are required to go to. yes she's a family member.....and? she notified you that she wasn't going, she's not required to do anything else. if you didn't want people responding on evite then you shouldn't have used that method. and it's a WHOLE MONTH!!!!! omfg!!!!! that's like an eternity!!!!!!
  
  put your big girl pants on and get over yourself. invite your aunt. you sound like a whiny selfish brat.

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• choxie_77

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  Again psichick, did you read my last post?
  
  It has absolutely nothing to do with "putting my big girl pants on" and I am the last person who is "whiny and selfish". If I had said something like "OMG, she didn't even show up and I was so expecting a huge gift from her" THEN THAT WOULD MAKE ME WHINY AND SELFISH!! It was her lack of presence as being my ONLY AUNT who I adored and cared about that hurt my feelings. If it were a friend that couldn't come after all and changed their response, that would've been one thing. I AM TALKING ABOUT A FAMILY MEMBER, who until now has had absolutely no problem calling, or emailing me with questions, concerns and offering help in the planning of my wedding.
  
  My future concern is if she can wait until the 11th hour to decide not to come to my shower, what are the chances she'll do the same thing when it comes time for the wedding? She had offered to make the boxed candy favors. So do I still trust she'll do it? What if in a month she's still bitter towards my parents and her way of "getting back" at them is by deciding "oh, I just couldn't do your boxes. hugs and kisses". Understand where I'm getting at now? Obviously, the best thing would be for me to delegate that task to someone else just to be safe...
  
  There's already going to be a little stress because of the day itself. I was merely looking at removing other stressors and if it means not having my aunt there because words would be said (with a 4 hour open bar mind you) then that's what I was asking advice on. It's not just my wedding, it's my fiance's wedding too. I mean what happens if I tell her we decided not to do candy boxes - which is something my fiance and myself had discussed PRIOR to this situation - is she not going to come because she's not getting her way? Again, you can see from my prior post, there's a track record with her when people don't do the things she wants them to do.
  
  So if anyone's being "whiny and selfish" it's not me.
  

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• DG1 member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  Here's the thing - a lot of people will change their minds at the 11th hour. And you won't know about it at all.  People will get sick or their kids/parents/dog will get sick, and they won't come, even though they RSVP'd yes.  Other people who didn't bother to RSVP will show up anyway.  Some will bring uninvited guests.  Just get used to the idea now so you can go with the flow on the big day. 
  
  As for your candy boxes, it sounds like your aunt is specifically not punishing you because she's pissed at your mom.  But if you feel like she's going to bail on the candy boxes, just tell her "Aunt, thank you so much for offering to help with the candy boxes, but we found this FABULOUS deal at Dan's Chocolates and felt like we needed to grab it.  Now you can relax and just enjoy yourself at the wedding! "  Yes, lie. 
  
  And if she doesn't come because she's pissed about the candy boxes, just be glad you don't have to deal with the drama.
  
  I also have to wonder why you "adore" or even "care about" your "ONLY AUNT" if she's obnoxious and selfish and retaliatory like this.
  
  Seriously. This is NOT a big deal. You have completely lost perspective because of all of the stuff going on in your life.  Please look att ALL of these responses that AGREE with one another and realize that you're missing the forest for the trees here. 
  
  

  
  

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• duckie1905 member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  If the hosts didn't want responses online then they shouldn't have sent out an evite.  She responded in the same manner in which she was invited.  I can't say that if I was invited to a shower via evite and couldn't attend at the last minute that I wouldn't have done the same thing.  The evite would lead me to believe that online was the preferred method of communication.

  
  

  I think it would be silly to potentially destroy your relationship with your aunt over a wedding shower.  It is fine to be disappointed that she couldn't make it but she did tell you she wasn't going to be able to attend.

  
  

  I had several no-show, no calls at my shower.  Life happens.  I was disappointed they couldn't be there but I moved on (fairly quickly) and enjoyed being with the guests that could attend.  I wouldn't destroy my relationships with those people because they had something come up that prevented them from attending.

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• Butter Cookie member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  So basically you've already sent out the uninvite and just want a parade thrown in your honor?
  
  K.
  
  Let me get on that.
  

  

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• GBCK member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  here you go, a wee PSA C&Ped just for you:
  
  Sometimes all the knotties disagree with you.
  
   When one person says your post was horrible and tacky and sounds incredibly bride-zilla, it may be dismissed as a difference of opinion. When 90% of the knotties say the same, you might want to consider that your post actually *might* be horrible and tacky and sound incredibly bride-zilla.
  
   Sometimes this means that there is some sort of misunderstanding (see "wording" PSA in my bio--except my bio is impossible to read in the new format). Sometimes you have wandered into something there is a long history of joking about, flaming about, and good natured ribbing about on the knot (TOJ packets, ribbon wands, etc). Sometimes it's regional or cultural (although if you say "I'm from the Midwest, it's OK here", on certain tacky things, expect me, as a Midwesterner, to be irritated and vehemently disagree). But sometimes you have to suck it up and entertain the idea that you are wrong.
  

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• 2dBride member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  You really can't have it both ways.  If you cared about her and adored her before this, the fact that she chose the "wrong" way to tell you about not coming should not be enough to get you to throw the whole relationship away.  If she was always selfish and manipulative and you don't care about the relationship, then having the issue of whether she will come or not hanging over you on your wedding day should not be a big deal.

  
  Our wedding bio page (including vendor reviews) and items for sale

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• Heffalump member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  All I can say is that you (the OP) sound like a lot more of a handful than your aunt does.  It's a shower invitation, not a subpoena.  She's not legally required to be there, even if she originally thought she would be.  Since you keep bringing up the possibility of her missing your wedding, what are you going to do if that happens?  Sic Dog the Bounty Hunter on her?

  �

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• AuntFlo member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  B!tches be loco.
  nft.

  �

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• choxie_77

  

  May 2010 edited December 2011

  Well, here's an update now that the wedding is over and done with.....
  
  The day before the wedding she sends me a text mesage (after my dad called her and left a voicemail asking when they were getting into town so they could go and rent a car, etc.)  and it says, "oh unfortunately we won't be able to make it." I looked at it, and really wasn't surprised. The f***** up part is when my dad spoke to my grandmother - who was going to be traveling with her and my cousin who was supposed to be a jr bridesmaid - she told him that they knew the Tuesday prior to the wedding that they weren't going to be able to come. Now, if you knew you weren't going to be able to make it to something and you knewWAAAAYYY  ahead of time, wouldn't you call the person and let them know? Not just when it comes to a wedding but it can be anything!  I know some of you might not have agreed with how I was feeling in my initial post a month ago, but come on? Seriously?
  
  Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Even though she was family to me, I cannot be fooled by her and her actions anymore.
  
  

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