Ceremony and dinner for family only and dessert and cocktails for friends....?

adriennevazquez · March 2010

Sooooo my fiance and I are on a budget and my fiance has a VERY LARGE family...(thats an understatement). His dad has 14 brothers and sisters (keep in mind wives, husbands, cousins, children). I know what your all thinking, do we even ever see all that family?...Yes, every holiday, birthday and even hang outs in between. We are very close to both families.

Heres the dilemma: If we keep the guest list FAMILY ONLY we are at about 115 people. Thats already stretching our budget with food cost, favor costs, etc. We would be okay if that was everyone but what about friends and family friends? I wanted to see what your thoughts were about having a seperate invitation for friends for dessert and cocktails only.

To break it down: FAMILY START TIME: 4:00 to 10:00 for ceremony, appetizers, dinner, dessert and dancing and FRIEND START TIME 8:00 to 10:00 for coctails, dessert and dancing.

Has anyone ever done this? Been to a wedding where they have done this? Would I need to provide seating for these people? Its about 20 to 30 people.

Before you suggest skimping somewhere else to fit them on the original guest list, we tried and since there are so many of them, skimping here and there wont recover the cost.

Lasairiona · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_ceremony-dinner-family-only-dessert-cocktails-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:0cf13b52-74d2-4ae6-ab4c-40b776089cb5Post:35c4d7ed-5e15-49bd-a0c7-2593b40df85a">Re: Ceremony and dinner for family only and dessert and cocktails for friends....?</a>:
[QUOTE]whereas your friends and family probably love you too much to do so.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]Or even if they do have a problem with it, it falls on deaf ears.

adriennevazquez · March 2010

I guess even if I dont know someone I would not be so rude so unwarrented...Maybe I have a less pesimistic attitude. You were rude right from the start. Maybe a bad day? I guess its a testiment to your character and I am very glad you will not be attending my wedding.

Our wedding will be beautiful and dispite your snippy remarks I was only explaining why, thats all. I genuinly wanted to know what peoples thoughts were and now I do and I will certainly take that into concideration.

So thank you very much for all your help.

adriennevazquez · March 2010

Thank you all for your help. I will talk to my finace and see what we can do to make everyone happy and comfortable. I understand what you are all saying and like I said, it has got me thinking and I will definetly take it into account.

adriennevazquez · March 2010

And once again, thank you for your comments or reality...As they will be concidered and are appreciated. Just as everyone elses are concidered and appreciated.

and I am glad your day is going well.

jessicarabbit501 · March 2010

I have to say from experience that we tried splitting our guest list into two and it was not well received (on theknot boards or within our immediate family). It is an etiquette thing so don't get upset with people on the board who keep saying it's rude. If you posted this on the etiquette board you'd probably be skewered alive (those girls do NOT play around) so consider yourself as getting off easy. Plus, people don't always mean to be harsh but that's how things work here so if you're going to post, I'd be prepared for that.

Anyway, in terms of your wedding, if I were you, I'd start by figuring out what aspects of the wedding mean the most to you and FI. If you want an awesome meal, then have it, but you have to cut corners somewhere else. With a group of 200+, cutting even small things (like favors, for instance) can make a healthy impact on your budget.

If you're dead set on splitting things into two, I'd suggest doing it over multiple days. Have your wedding with 115 guests and then have a smaller (probably cheaper) party another day. Invite the people who you couldn't have at the wedding and make it an informal event too. Maybe a BBQ or going out to a bar or something. You can even invite all 115 people who came to the wedding so it still doesn't feel like anyone is being left out. It could be a potluck or something like that. If it doesn't happen on the same day, it doesn't make it less special and people will probably come because they will want to celebrate with you, regardless of the circumstances.

If it were me (actually, haha, it WAS me earlier this year) I would flat out say, we cannot afford to host this many people. That was that. People understood but that's how it worked in my family. You know your guest list best so it's your call.

Good luck!

jennylove810 · March 2010

If I were in your shoes, I'd delay my wedding a year, and use the time to save the money necessary so that everyone could be included in everything.

SarahRuthG · March 2010

Sorry you are in such a tight spot! And I'm sorry if you feel the people that have commented were rude. That doesn't help your situation. (I'm not saying people's comments were rude, I'm saying its too bad the poster had to feel that way when she is already stressed.)

I think your best bet is to can the dinner idea and see if you can have either a brunch or something else, as previously suggested, so that everyone can attend on equal terms. Shop around for prices.... shop around ALOT. Ask for the best deal, see where you can cut some corners.

You may have to decide if the dream wedding you have pictured (at a certain place at a certain time of day) is more important then having all the people you want to attend. As hard as it is sometimes to stop thinking about all the things you want and cant have, try. I hope it works out for you.

adriennevazquez · March 2010

Someone else posted that and I think its a great idea! My intentions were never to be rude but at the same time I dont want to exclude people either. I'm sure you understand because you were in the same boat. I want everyone to celebrate with us and if we had the money we'd have everyone there but reality is we have big families and no one to help us with cost. The party is a great idea and I will be sure to talk to my fiance about it. Thanks so much for your help and I am so not accustomed to this chat room stuff so I guess you're right, I will try to prepare myself for future posts. Its just not my style to be so snippidy but everyone responds differently I guess.

Anyways, love the party idea.... We could even do a formal type cocktail party and that would still save us money and help people feel like they are important to us at the same time.

Thanks again so much...and thanks for simply being nice.

adriennevazquez · March 2010

And as far as changing plans...I really wish I would have thought about all of this ahead of time. I am very stressed and even more so because our venue and major decisions have been made. We have put down our deposit and our reception site leaves little room for unconventional reception ideas. Allthough I will be looking into it, I dont think changing it to a dessert only reception is an option. I completely admit I made a mistake in not concidering all of this earlier but, you live and learn.

I like the party idea because since we will only be having family at the wedding, I think people will understand. Its less about not wanting them to be there and more about budget. And if need be, I will explain why it has to be done that way.

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

The thing you have to consider is that if people are told that the ceremony/dinner were family only, and then they show up later or see pictures and see that 100+ people were there, they're going to feel hurt and lied to. Even if it really was just family.

People won't remember anything about your wedding, even short term, except what sort of hosts you were. So this time next year, they won't be talking about what sort of food you had, but you can bet they'll be talking about how only certain guests got to eat it. Even if they're too polite for any of this conversation to reach you, you're kidding yourself if you think it's not happening.

Just something to keep in mind.

Foodink · March 2010

Have you thought about hosting an hors d ouerves only reception and inviting everyone on your list. I have seen this done with different stations throughout the venue.

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

Please don't do this. People understand that not everyone can be included. They don't understand why you're treating them like second class citizens.

Either figure out a way to invite these people to everything or cut them off the guest list completely.

gailpete · March 2010

If you do decide to do a separate party after your wedding and reception for those people that weren't invited to the actual event, make sure you do not refer to it in anyway as a wedding related function. It will appear to be gift grabby.

If you have a small ceremony with just your immediate family parents, grandparents and siblings), it is perfectly acceptable to have a wedding reception later that is larger. But, if you have an wedding and reception with over 100 people, you have had your wedding and reception and don't get another one.

Goldlie11 · March 2010

I don't understand why people think that these tiered receptions are okay. If a "friend" invited me to their wedding but told me I would have to go and get my own food, I definitely wouldn't attend and would be very upset. Most friends will understand if you have to keep your wedding intimate due to costs.

ExpatPumpkin · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_ceremony-dinner-family-only-dessert-cocktails-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:0cf13b52-74d2-4ae6-ab4c-40b776089cb5Post:2f0012b7-1f56-417b-b779-049733d8af8a">Re: Ceremony and dinner for family only and dessert and cocktails for friends....?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>People won't remember anything about your wedding, even short term, except what sort of hosts you were.</strong> So this time next year, they won't be talking about what sort of food you had, but you can bet they'll be talking about how only certain guests got to eat it. Even if they're too polite for any of this conversation to reach you, you're kidding yourself if you think it's not happening. Just something to keep in mind.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Truer words have never been written ;) I'm sure that you want for everyone to have a good time and have fond memories of your wedding, but if you have a tiered reception that is ALL THEY WILL REMEMBER. Sorry :(

It's my understanding that you're concerned about the cost of adding an additional 20-30 people to your 115 family members... That's actually not a TON of extra people, so your food budget should only increase by about 17-26%. It won't cost double ;)

Cut in other areas (favors, decor, etc.) and find the money to properly host all of your guests.

Oh, and the idea of having a separate party on a different day will most likely end up costing you more... Seriously, you just need to find an extra 17-26% of your food budget, not your overall budget. I don't see how you could throw TWO celebrations for less than that.

lyndausvi · March 2010

I'm with Expat on this. 20-30 people is not that many more people. You still have to pay for their cocktails and dessert, so really the only place you need to find room in your budget is for dinner.

Not only would I see where you can cut in other areas (flowers, programs, etc), but contact your venue and see what they can do. Tell them you have 145 people and "x" amount of money. What kind of menu can you give me.

I'm sure there is something they can do for your to be able to invite the extra 20-30 people. It might mean one less app or chicken instead of beef but that can really add up.

I really think you need to go that route then doing a teired reception.

tracy_k · March 2010

The only way you can pull this off would be to have a family-only dinner before the ceremony. Then have your ceremony (later in the evening) followed by a cocktail-and-dessert reception, with everyone invited to both the ceremony and reception.

Or just forgo the dinner thing, and stick with a later ceremony and a cocktails-and-dessert reception, or go the other way and have an afternoon ceremony with a cake-and-punch reception. Then you can invite everyone on your list to all the events.

Good luck!

rae19 · March 2010

Adrienne, don't waste your time worrying about responding to such negative posts. Obviously those people who are unable to politely state their opinions have issues. There is always a place in this world for polite & tolerant people.

I'd suggest waiting a year if you have your heart set on certain items you really don't want to cut (i.e. an amazing dress you've lusted over since you were 3), saving in other areas (maybe a buffet vs. served meal, or a cash bar), or having more DIY items (invites, centerpieces, etc). Have any talented friends who can do something for the wedding for you as your present (maybe a dj, heck even use an ipod)?

For my 2 cents, I'd much rather be present at my friend's wedding and not miss that special moment in her life and have appetizers than miss the wedding altogether because "I wouldn't be fed a meal." Some people are less materialistic than others.

dparisi · March 2010

Are you totally sure you could not cut costs elsewhere? IMO it is not a good idea. What if some people arrive early-where would you have them wait while everyone finished dinner? I don't know, it just doesn't seem like a good idea to me. I probably would think it was odd if I got an invitation like that.

Perhaps non-flower centerpieces, you could save a ton of money, artificial bouquets for the attendants, favors are no longer expected, although a nice touch and can be made very inexpensively. Serve italian-it is generally less expensive. Serve the cake for dessert. There are sooo many things you could cut back on if you really really try. I bet you could save $2K and that would cover your additional guests.

Ceremony and dinner for family only and dessert and cocktails for friends....?

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