Etiquette for food for weekend with friends

sayyestotexas · June 2012

I wasn't sure where else to go to ask this. We've been invited to friends' parents' beach home for a weekend with the group of good friends. Many live out of state and are traveling for the weekend. It was another friend in the group who said last year that they needed to have the group. Not polite, but if you know him it's not out of character and certainly not meant to be rude. Anyway...

The friends who are hosting notoriously don't serve enough food. We are the only friends who live near them so have experienced this several times. We went one weekend several years ago to the beach house when the parents were there too and my husband and I nearly starved. Quantity wise it was what two adults would eat and it was to serve six adults and a toddler. In addition, they served strange food that weekend and often do. All of the other people coming except one are hungry guys who eat a lot. The house is in a remote location so you can't just run out for more food, order in, or simply go out to eat. There will also be a few kids so we can't really go out for dinner with their bedtime.

I discussed with my husband volunteering to bring food we know everyone eats that's easy and doesn't take prep-work in their kitchen. I emailed the wife last week that my husband and I were thinking we'd bring hamburgers, sausages, hotdogs and all of the fixings for everyone. I didn't hear back, which isn't unusual. My husband received an email today from the husband to all invited that said something about them getting everything and people giving them the money for everything. The problem is (A) they won't get enough, (B) it won't be stuff most of us eat, (C) there won't be anywhere for us to go to get more food, (D) it would be rude for us to then bring this real food for just us to make sure we don't starve. I don't want to be hiding snacks in our bags to sneak so we don't starve. I think it's more than generous that for 8 adults and 2 young children we've offered to bring 24 half pound hamburgers, 6 pounds of sausage, and several packs of kosher hotdogs with all accompaniments.

How do we politely force the issue? The guys coming are well over six feet athletes who eat a lot and quite frankly I'm not up for another weekend of being so hungry I'm lightheaded. We're hoping to send an email tomorrow before others respond "okay." What should it say and should it be a reply to all or just the husband. It's my husband's best friend but he's not willing to say our real reason in wanting to bring food. We want to find the least rude way of saying this is what we are doing. As much as it's not correct I'm okay with it. These are the same people who on other occasions when asked what can we bring have told us dessert then only fed it to their children, not everyone, when it was brought for everyone. I always make sure we have more than enough food when we host them and they take seconds too.

Thanks in advance for your help!

MyUserName1 · June 2012

I just wouldn't mention it again and bring food anyway. I know that's kind of passive aggressive, but I think you did the best you could and now it's time to make sure you get enough to eat!

And I'd TOTALLY pack secret snacks in my luggage that I wouldn't share with anyone besides H. Just in case.

Do you know if there is any cultural or religious reasons they might not want the meat you offered? I don't know by "strange" food what that means? I'd make sure that I wasn't bringing something that wasn't kosher if they keep kosher or that might offend them in any way (vegans, religion that believes cows are sacred, etc..

sayyestotexas · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-for-food-for-weekend-with-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:91a6ad4a-ff03-4c51-bf1d-4b0f28adc6e9Post:e17de0cb-2b2c-4989-8978-b359f323dc25">Re: Etiquette for food for weekend with friends</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wouldn't mention it again and bring food anyway. I know that's kind of passive aggressive, but I think you did the best you could and now it's time to make sure you get enough to eat! And I'd TOTALLY pack secret snacks in my luggage that I wouldn't share with anyone besides H. Just in case. Do you know if there is any cultural or religious reasons they might not want the meat you offered? I don't know by "strange" food what that means? I'd make sure that I wasn't bringing something that wasn't kosher if they keep kosher or that might offend them in any way (vegans, religion that believes cows are sacred, etc..
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

Thanks. What we've offered to bring we've seen them eat and they've served at their home beforE, they've also eaten it at our house too. We don't know what their issue is but I don't want another weekend of being lucky to have one granola bar in our bags and a bottle of water. Well water is gross! By strange food I mean an apricot and grape salad with mayonnaise dressing. That was an entire meal. I have a toddler to think about too. I am bringing all of her food, I have no issues or guilt about that.

FWIW, we did bring hostess gifts for both the parents and the friends last time we were there, as we always do. Too bad it wasn't food!

Edit to say they aren't religious at all, though they'd be Christian if they were. One of their kids had a sort-of baptism and they had a generic Christian wedding ceremony outside but they've never gone to church.

Starqueg · June 2012

Why do they provide all the food? That's what doesn't make sense to me. With my friends, when we do weekend trips, we create a google doc (back and forth emails get tiresome) with a list of necessities and people pick what they're going to bring. For those of us who have special diets or wants, we bring our own food and contribute basics like paper goods or soft drinks.

Don't pose it to them as "you didn't feed us enough and I don't like your food anyway" but more along the lines of "we hate seeing you spending so much money to feed everyone and we want to contribute too". Hopefully, that would keep them from being offended.

sayyestotexas · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-for-food-for-weekend-with-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:91a6ad4a-ff03-4c51-bf1d-4b0f28adc6e9Post:81aa924d-01e8-4aa4-8e2e-7e0599d27de4">Re: Etiquette for food for weekend with friends</a>:
[QUOTE]Why do they provide all the food? That's what doesn't make sense to me. With my friends, when we do weekend trips, we create a google doc (back and forth emails get tiresome) with a list of necessities and people pick what they're going to bring. For those of us who have special diets or wants, we bring our own food and contribute basics like paper goods or soft drinks. Don't pose it to them as "you didn't feed us enough and I don't like your food anyway" but more along the lines of "we hate seeing you spending so much money to feed everyone and we want to contribute too". Hopefully, that would keep them from being offended.
Posted by Starqueg[/QUOTE]

I like your idea. I don't know why they don't want to do that. They do want us to pay them for the food. That's another part of my issue. They want money for food we won't eat, wouldn't find filling, and won't be enough regardless. It's not even like this food needs to take up room in their fridge, we can keep it in a cooler with dry ice.

egm900 · June 2012

Are you okay with paying for the things you've suggested? If so, I would hit reply all and say it means so much to you that they arranged for everyone to use the beach house and you would really like to provide a meal/the food (whatever you had in mind) for the trip. So basically play it off as a thank you to them for talking to their parents and getting the beach house. If they press the issue you can say you know others are spending more money to come in from out of town and the group getting together means so much to you. But I don't do well with starving and most people I know won't say no to something meant as a thank you if I insist, even if they feel like they didn't do much.

I'm also not above hiding food in my luggage. Or packing extra kids snacks and eating that.

Edited to make sense.

sayyestotexas · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-for-food-for-weekend-with-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:91a6ad4a-ff03-4c51-bf1d-4b0f28adc6e9Post:3e581e82-6b60-4fd1-92ad-8e4ab49830f6">Re: Etiquette for food for weekend with friends</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you okay with paying for the things you've suggested? If so, I would hit reply all and say it means so much to you that they arranged for everyone to use the beach house and you would really like to provide a meal/the food (whatever you had in mind) for the trip. So basically play it off as a thank you to them for talking to their parents and getting the beach house. If they press the issue you can say you know others are spending more money to come in from out of town and the group getting together means so much to you. But I don't do well with starving and most people I know won't say no to something meant as a thank you if I insist, even if they feel like they didn't do much. I'm also not above hiding food in my luggage. Or packing extra kids snacks and eating that. Edited to make sense.
Posted by egm900[/QUOTE]

My husband and I would be paying for all of the food we are volunteering to bring, that we've been very clear about. I wouldnt dream of asking people to give us money for the food we brought. While others are coming from farther they all are able to bring food. They'll all be driving from their homes or driving from where we live and in town in advance of going to the beach. What I'd like is for the "hosts" to let us bring what we've offered and pick up other things if they insist on doing the buying and making people pay. At least this way my family can get by on snacks we stash in our bags and get enough hearty food from the meat.

I don't understand why they won't consult anyone. It's not like we're just bring something but they don't know what. I don't know why they can't just assign other people things to bring. All of this seems so pushy and controlling of me but given all previous situations involving food with them and the location of the weekend I don't care! The idea of even agreeing on a menu, letting them buy, then reimbursing them doesn't sit well with me because I know we'll all still be left hungry. They eat less in one day than we eat at one meal, and no, the rest of us are not overweight. Some of the guys are former college athletes and they EAT.

Loopyseven · June 2012

When we do weekend trips with our friends, we usually draw up a menu and everyone chips in. H and I go to Sam's and buy the food, but believe me. No one goes hungry. We usually end up doling out leftovers at the end of the weekend.

Can you reply with a menu suggestions/grocery lists (including quantities?) to support the whole group? Otherwise, I'd go down the "I'd like to provide a dinner one night - we propose spaghetti and meatballs, garlic bread and a green salad. We'll bring everything we need to supply this - and dessert too. Who wants to pick up lunch on Saturday? This way you are assured of having enough food for at least one meal, and then I'd bring snacks just in case.

sayyestotexas · June 2012

Part of my thinking was I didn't want to be making a mess in someone else's kitchen, especially with other guests in the house too. I figured we'd be grilling because they always grill. What I said we'd bring could go directly on the grill, no mess, no clean-up. I also didn't want to get wrangled into working in the kitchen because I need to keep an eye on a crawling toddler 100% of the time. That isn't something I'd let someone else do, especially while drinking, with the water and so many other dangers around.

sayyestotexas · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-for-food-for-weekend-with-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:91a6ad4a-ff03-4c51-bf1d-4b0f28adc6e9Post:6a1583d0-4f59-4742-ad1c-5b9548634c75">Re:Etiquette for food for weekend with friends</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, I have to say, I find your judgement of their religious beliefs incredibly off putting, I understand that you were merely trying to demonstrate that their weird food habits aren't religiously based, but judging whether their child's baptism was authentic and whether or not they accept Christ as their personal Savior by how often they attend church is a little offensive.

But, regardless, I agree that I'd send an email stating that you are so touched that they've arranged all this that you will be providing the food. Phrase it like a statement, not a question, and reply all so that a the offer is out there publicly, making it harder for them to decline and b everyone else can rest easy knowing they'll be wellfed, or even pick up the ball and offer to chip in their own contributions if desired. Who knows, it may set a whole new standard for how your group does these trips!
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I didn't mean to offend anyone on religion. We've had many discussions regarding beliefs with them and know exactly where they stand. It has nothing to do with wanting, no wanting, eating, or not eating food. That was my only point. FWIW, the father does not believe and it was a sort-of baptism because it wasn't one and that's what the wife says it was sort of like but definitely wasn't..

Loopyseven · June 2012

In Response to Re:Etiquette for food for weekend with friends:[QUOTE]I also didn't want to get wrangled into working in the kitchen because I need to keep an eye on a crawling toddler 100 of the time. That isn't something I'd let someone else do, especially while drinking, with the water and so many other dangers around. Posted by sayyestotexas[/QUOTE]

This sounds like a great time for your husband to do some parenting. And if you can't trust him to be sober enough to keep your toddler out of trouble in this environment for an hour, then you have bigger problems than your friends not providing enough food.

sayyestotexas · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-for-food-for-weekend-with-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:91a6ad4a-ff03-4c51-bf1d-4b0f28adc6e9Post:bc62369d-a914-4077-a228-1d8de42de0b7">Re:Etiquette for food for weekend with friends</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Etiquette for food for weekend with friends:

This sounds like a great time for your husband to do some parenting. And if you can't trust him to be sober enough to keep your toddler out of trouble in this environment for an hour, then you have bigger problems than your friends not providing enough food.
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

He is great with our daughter, I just want him to be able to relax and enjoy. I already said I'd be sober so in case there was an emergency someone could drive. He only sees the friends from out of town once a year so if the guys are busy doing guy things I want him to be carefree. He does the same for me when it's my friends or family.

Avion22 · June 2012

Is there any way you can offer to go food shopping with the couple? That way, if she tries to buy like 4 burgers for 8 people you could politely say, "Do you think that's enough? Maybe we ought to get more...", and can chip in some money too.

I find it very odd that they underfeed people. I know my tendency (as well as everyone whose house I've ever dined at ) is to make TOO MUCH food so nobody goes hungry. Strange that the two of them would be so different. Do they just not cook very much, or not have a good concept of the quanity of food, how much recipes make, and how to double/triple recipes to feed more people?

Simply Fated · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-for-food-for-weekend-with-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:91a6ad4a-ff03-4c51-bf1d-4b0f28adc6e9Post:a4298ee0-a542-46b6-b58e-90114bc0d846">Re:Etiquette for food for weekend with friends</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Etiquette for food for weekend with friends : He is great with our daughter, I just want him to be able to relax and enjoy. I already said I'd be sober so in case there was an emergency someone could drive. He only sees the friends from out of town once a year so if the guys are busy doing guy things I want him to be carefree. He does the same for me when it's my friends or family.
Posted by sayyestotexas[/QUOTE]
It's not like you're leaving the house, you'll just be in the next room.

I would just be more insistant that you'll be preparing a meal. I would also insist on preparing side dishes to go with the meals they prepare. I'd even go as far as holding back a portion of the money they requested and let them know you insist in helping to plan and prepare the meals.
Are they hungry, too? Are they just not big eaters? I mean, what reason do you think there is that they don't prepare enough food? I just feel bad for you because I'm 5'5, average weight, but I eat like a pig. I always hold back when I'm a guest, of course, but I'm rarely in a situation where I'm not full, ya know?

Callmefia · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-for-food-for-weekend-with-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:91a6ad4a-ff03-4c51-bf1d-4b0f28adc6e9Post:6a1583d0-4f59-4742-ad1c-5b9548634c75">Re:Etiquette for food for weekend with friends</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, I have to say, I find your judgement of their religious beliefs incredibly off putting, I understand that you were merely trying to demonstrate that their weird food habits aren't religiously based, but judging whether their child's baptism was authentic and whether or not they accept Christ as their personal Savior by how often they attend church is a little offensive. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

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Callmefia · June 2012

OP, can you blame it on dietary restrictions, picky eaters etc?

I think its a bad idea to expect people to chip in for food if they get no say in what it is!
I would atleast suggest that if they want everyone to chip in, can you atleast have an idea of the menu to make sure its something you like?

Meegles4 · June 2012

I agree with PPs. I'd write back, and reply all, and say something along the lines of "it's so generous of you to offer to do the food shopping, but since you're already hosting all of us, I'd hate to make you do this too. Why don't we draw up a menu for all the meals we'll be sharing and each of us can sign up for something. That way no one has to do too much shopping."

Just play it off like you don't want to burden them with the shopping, when that's easily something everyone can do and bring things to contribute. If they still don't go for that, I think the idea of trying to at least go shopping with them is good -- then you can see how much they're buying.

IMO, the fun thing about doing this kind of thing potluck-style is that you get a variety of food. No one person has to do all the cooking, and there's multiple things. So, maybe someone makes a really good pasta salad -- they can sign up to bring that. And someone else makes an awesome burger, etc. etc. I'd keep advocating for that and see what happens.

Regarding your toddler, I think that's a great idea to try to avoid to much prep-time in the kitchen, but I also wonder if there will be other kids there -- and other mothers. If that's the case I would think that even if the guys are off doing "guy things", the ladies will be congregating somewhere where your kid would be watched and that you won't be the ONLY one sober.

kimandjosh22 · June 2012

This sounds like the 4th of July weekend I always do with my friends. We do the google docs thing and it works really well. everyone can make sure meals are something they'll eat and no one is stuck doing all the cooking.
It does seem strange that they never have enough food, is it possible its a money issue and they're trying to host without spending too much?
That apricot and grape salad sounds yummy, but not like its a meal on its own!

sayyestotexas · June 2012

Problem solved. My husband sent an email replying to all that I had already sent an email to the wife saying we'd bring XYZ and listing the quantities so they'd know it was to cover the weekend. I received an email from the wife a few hours later saying thanks for bringing the meat for the weekend. I don't know what they wanted but this strategy did make it hard for them to say no. Now we won't starve most of the day, we'll just bring extra snacks to keep in our bag to supplement breakfast. I don't know how they're going to handle the rest of the food but I can eat enough meat and buns to get by if there aren't enough chips/side dishes.

aragx6 · June 2012

My dad's best friend was like this and it caused a lot of issues when we were kids. My mom still tells, in disbelief, the story of the dad ordering 1 basket of chicken fingers and splitting it amongst the four of them while my mom felt all guilty chowing down on her own personal hamburger. Some people are weird about food. FWIW, I grew up a picky eater and I get very grumpy when my blood sugar is low, so I always have snacks with me -- it's just become something friends tease me about.

I'm glad it seems to have worked itself out. I honestly wouldn't worry so much about the other guys; they're grown ups and I'm sure they can figure out how to feed themselves (especially if they've been there before too and know how the couple is) -- just make sure you have plenty for you and your family. I'd even bring a cooler.

sayyestotexas · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-for-food-for-weekend-with-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:91a6ad4a-ff03-4c51-bf1d-4b0f28adc6e9Post:66882666-d0ac-4c26-8658-95719bf0b4a4">Re: Etiquette for food for weekend with friends</a>:
[QUOTE]My dad's best friend was like this and it caused a lot of issues when we were kids. My mom still tells, in disbelief, the story of the dad ordering 1 basket of chicken fingers and splitting it amongst the four of them while my mom felt all guilty chowing down on her own personal hamburger. Some people are weird about food. FWIW, I grew up a picky eater and I get very grumpy when my blood sugar is low, so I always have snacks with me -- it's just become something friends tease me about. I'm glad it seems to have worked itself out. I honestly wouldn't worry so much about the other guys; they're grown ups and I'm sure they can figure out how to feed themselves (especially if they've been there before too and know how the couple is) -- just make sure you have plenty for you and your family. I'd even bring a cooler.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

We have a family member who ordered four pizzas, one being thin crust, for 24 adults. I was pregnant at the time and starving. I took what I wanted. I figured they'd order more if they had too. We all brought desserts as requested, it's not like we didn't contribute, and he has very nice meals at each of our homes several times a year.

harpsdesire · June 2012

I once had a friend who invited a huge group of people to a party, requested $8 from each of us for food, then served spaghetti and garlic bread.

As if it's not already a little odd that she invited us for dinner and demanded to be paid for the food, I can only imagine that she pocketed the extra cash, since I can't imagine she spent $88 on a few boxes of pasta, jarred sauce and bread....

Strange times.

twotimemob · June 2012

When we do group vacations, we designate a day to each couple to prepare dinners. One couple gets Friday, one gets Saturday, etc. Then we all chip in for breakfast, lunch and snack foods.

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