Wedding Woes

Help Maid with Money Issue.

I just got a call from one of my maids complaining about how much money she was being asked to give for the shower / bachelorette the total is 75 for shower and 100 for party.  She complained that this was too much since she reciently got married (5-31-10) and moved to new york this all happened after I asked her to be in my wedding so therefore not my problem right?

Re: Help Maid with Money Issue.

  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    It is your problem if some of your bridesmaids are demanding money that other bridesmaids don't have. Ask your friends to scale back their plans so that it's not a financial burden to anyone. All she's required to do is show up at the ceremony in the dress of your choosing. If some of your maids want to go above and beyond that's perfectly fine, but they have no right to demand that others do the same.

    Tell your bridesmaid that it's okay if she can't help host the shower or won't be able to attend the b party, but assure her that you still love her and want her in the wedding.
  • edited December 2011

    I disagree. As soon as you agree to be a bridesmaid, you know that there are financial obligations. I'm sure that at her wedding, someone paid for her shower and bachelorette, right?
    Last year, I was a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding and the maid of honour and I planned everything for her. None of the other bridesmaids offered to help pay and said that they couldn't afford to, nor did they help decorate. I'm not really sure why I was expected to pay for it, since I couldn't really afford it at that time either having just given birth to my son. Long story short, the cost should be divided evenly. If she can't give anything, why should she get the credit of being a bridesmaid? I say, it shouldn't be your problem, let them hash it out. You have enough to be stressing over, I'm sure.

  • BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    No, long story short is that you should only throw the party you are comfortable paying for by yourself.  No one should be expected to take on expenses they can't afford.  You even say in the next breath, "I'm not really sure why I was expected to pay for it.." exactly.

    Some 'honor': be a BM so people can extort money from you.  Sheesh.

    [BTW,  what Duckis said re OP]
     
  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, Ina. The only obligations that come with being a bridesmaid are getting to the wedding and purchasing the dress. Anything else is your choice to take on. It's no one else's fault if you took on more than you were able.

    You earn the "credit" of being a bridesmaid by being a life-long friend of the bride, not by how much you spend on her.
  • edited December 2011
    Your "not my problem" attitude is pretty crappy.

    If she can't afford it then she can't afford it. What do you (or the other bridesmaids) want her to do, not pay her bills so she can contribute to these parties for you? It might not seem like a lot of money but maybe to her it really is too much. I think you should be a bit more sensitive.
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I agree the "not my problem" attitude is crappy.  This is your friend and she has an issue.  She's asking you to help intervene.  Yes, it's nice (maybe expected) for a BM to help throw a party at some point and shell out some money for a dress.  HOWEVER, $175 for parties is outragoues. 

    I assume this BM isn't as friendly with the other BMs as you are.  That's probably why she's asking you for help.  Get off your butt and help your FRIEND. 

    Listen to Duckis.
  • felicia220felicia220 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    It is an interesting thought, though, that maybe her BMs paid for her Shower/Bach party and now she is not willing to do the same.  OP "crappy" attitude may have something to do with her frustration with the situation, as it does suck for her to have to be involved.   OP: Maybe talk to your BM and tell her that you understand that things are tough for her right now, and ask her what she can afford to do.  Try to work something out with her.  If it was me and it was a good friend, I might even consider paying for it.  Now I know your the bride and all but it is better to just help her pay then to start a war between your BM.  A side note: I don't think that $175 for both the shower and Bach party is really all that bad.  Then again I am from Jersey, and here most of time it about $300+ just for a Bach/Bachelorette party.  
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Whoever is planning the parties should have asked how much each was (if at all) comfortable contributing. It was very rude for them not to & just expect everyone would pay X.
    It is your problem as this will/ can hurt your friendship. Call the planner of the parties and explain that they may need to scale back the parties or not expect everyone to help pay. Or cover her part of it if you can.  You need to mediation the situation, not ignore & destroy a friendship.

    Planning Bio
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  • edited December 2011
    I dont see why she wasn't more prepared though. Unless you asked her to be your bridesmaid just a few months before the wedding, she's had some notice. It just irritates me that people don't want to help out and want to put the responsibility on everyone else. She should help out in a less financial way, like making decorations or something, but I feel that all BMs should be contributing something.
    The other bridesmaids should have discussed costs prior to planning with everyone involved to see where everyone was at, but it's too late for that now. All that can really be done is to work out something with her, but I still don't think that you should have to be the one worrying about it. Planning a wedding is stressful enough.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-money-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:46e6685a-ba27-49ad-9784-910f75f312d5Post:56c63ac2-a51d-40ea-9950-0eda56779240">Re: Help Maid with Money Issue.</a>:
    [QUOTE]It is your problem if some of your bridesmaids are demanding money that other bridesmaids don't have. Ask your friends to scale back their plans so that it's not a financial burden to anyone. All she's required to do is show up at the ceremony in the dress of your choosing. If some of your maids want to go above and beyond that's perfectly fine, but they have no right to demand that others do the same. Tell your bridesmaid that it's okay if she can't help host the shower or won't be able to attend the b party, but assure her that you still love her and want her in the wedding.
    Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

    This exactly.
  • AUTeachAUTeach member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I feel like she shouldn't be stressing you out with this issue.  You can't help what the other BM's asked for.  She really had no right to tell you how much everything was and make you feel generally crappy about being the bride who is the reason for all this spending.  She needs to go to the other BM's and discuss the issues with them.  She needs to work out a plan with the MOH or whoever is hosting the party.  If your friends want to throw a party for you, well that's a really nice gesture...but if they then go an complain to you about how much it is costing then it's not so nice of them, is it?  If you do someone a favor, don't complain about it.  Otherwise, don't take part in the favor at all.  Maybe she can work something out where she can give what she can afford.  That way she won't feel crappy and you won't have to deal with feeling like you are responsible.  Talk to your MOH and see what the other side of the story might be.  Either way, you are the bride and no one should complain to you about the party they want to throw you. If she doesn't want to pay, then don't be a part of throwing the shower.
    IAmPregnant Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-money-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:46e6685a-ba27-49ad-9784-910f75f312d5Post:668806e5-333f-451b-b0b1-4e2cf53f83c2">Re: Help Maid with Money Issue.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel like she shouldn't be stressing you out with this issue.  You can't help what the other BM's asked for.  She really had no right to tell you how much everything was and make you feel generally crappy about being the bride who is the reason for all this spending.  She needs to go to the other BM's and discuss the issues with them.  She needs to work out a plan with the MOH or whoever is hosting the party.  If your friends want to throw a party for you, well that's a really nice gesture...but if they then go an complain to you about how much it is costing then it's not so nice of them, is it?  If you do someone a favor, don't complain about it.  Otherwise, don't take part in the favor at all.  Maybe she can work something out where she can give what she can afford.  That way she won't feel crappy and you won't have to deal with feeling like you are responsible.  Talk to your MOH and see what the other side of the story might be.  Either way, you are the bride and no one should complain to you about the party they want to throw you. If she doesn't want to pay, then don't be a part of throwing the shower.
    Posted by AUTeach[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Agreed.</div><div>
    </div><div>Also, I agree with the PP from Jersey - I'm from the DC area and $175 for two parties is a steal around here. I do understand that money is relative based on where you're from and how much you actually do have at your disposal to spend freely, but I think that <em>generally </em>speaking, that is not an exorbitant amount to spend for a good friend's wedding.
    </div>
  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You're right that it's "not your problem" in that your bridal party shouldn't even be coming to you with their drama.  It's NOT your business.  It's not your business to plan your parties, either.  It's up to them to decide whether to host parties for you (they're not obligated to do so) and if they are, how much they're willing to spend on it.

    So... your other bridesmaids need to back off of this one.  It's her business how she spends her money or whether she has money to spend, and if she doesn't want to help host your shower and/or bachelorette party, that's her prerogative and does NOT make her a bad bridesmaid or a bad friend.  If she wants to spend $5 toward your parties, that's fine too.

    The idea that you'd be willing to have a friend cause herself financial distress over your parties - which are EXTRAS - and that you'd rather have your parties and tell her that her financial issues are "not your problem" - makes YOU a pretty bad friend, actually.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Did it dawn on anyone that that this BM may not know the other BMs and that's why she went to the bride?  I'd be po'd that someone just expected me to throw in that kind of cash for parties. 
  • edited December 2011
    I personally don't think spending $175 on a good friend is too much but not everyone can afford that. When you add in other bridesmaid expenses like the cost of a dress ect it could really be a burden to some people. And I think you should pick your bridesmaids based on how much you care about them as a friend, not if they can contribute to parties for you -not to say that is what you did but their ONLY "responsibility" is to show up for the wedding on time and in the proper attire. I think a lot of people forget that when they get caught up in wedding fantasies. 
     And while I do agree that she should have worked this out with other other bridesmaids without bringing it up to you, the whole "not my problem" attitude really needs to go.
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